Chapter 17

HARRISON

"Rich has been causing me a world of headaches these last few weeks," I tell Benny. "Keeps getting sick, the poor thing, but I think we've gotten it under control."

"I'm sure that's a huge relief." His voice is dry.

"You being punny?"

"What?"

"You know, re-leaf. Relief."

He blinks up at me like I've lost my mind. "No."

"Well, that's lucky. We don't need me accidentally falling in love with you."

That breaks through some of his guardedness. It's bonkers to me that we could have sex, and now he's turned all … weird. But maybe he's still processing the straight but not-quite-straight aspect of our friendship, so I'm okay to give him time with it.

"That one's Stacy. She's the fire lily I told you about. We love her, and she's been such a good girl with growing big and strong this year."

To his credit, he leans in like he's interested. "This is the one that can kill me, right?"

"She is poisonous, yes."

"Cool. It looks like fire."

"She does. It's where she got her name from."

He gives me a sly smile. "Cute how much you love them."

"No reason not to. We owe a lot to the environment."

"It's just … no offense, and this is so not directed at you, but learning about grass and rocks and things is just …"

"Boring?" I say it so he doesn't have to. It doesn't stop him looking guilty though. "I know. I mean, it isn't to me—I really don't understand how people don't find it fascinating and awe-inspiring. But I know that most people think trees are boring, and there's the whole tree-hugger stereotype of the dirty, smelly hippy. I'm not any of those things. I just come at it from the viewpoint of if we look after the environment, it'll keep on looking after us."

"But you're not an animal person?"

I shrug. "It's not that I don't like them. They just get enough attention, and it makes me a bit shitty. No point saving all the animals if they run out of things to eat."

"That's true." He squints his eyes and tilts his head to the side. "I just don't see that opinion ever changing."

"Well, that's what I'm working on." I plant my hands on my hips, that familiar fire of indignation burning in my gut. "I'm going to do it. I just need to work out how. And I will work out how."

"You don't let anything stop you, do you?"

It's not really a compliment, but it gives me a boost anyway. "Things don't have to be complicated. A problem to be solved, sure, but it can be solved. Everything can."

Not looking at me, Benny steps closer. He hesitantly wraps his arm around me and headbutts my shoulder. "You're so positive."

"Determined."

"That too. I really should hate it."

Shouldis a fantastic word. "But you don't because you can't because I'm amazing. I know. I get it. I'm obsessed with me too."

His puff of his laugh hits my arm, and I ease back a little so he has to look up.

"What's going on?" I ask. "You're quiet."

"Yeah, no. We're not talking feelings. I won't fall into your trap."

"Feelings, huh?"

"What? No. No feelings. No one said anything about anything."

He looks so stressed that it's impossible to smother my amusement. "Fucking relax. We're not going to talk about anything you don't want to. All I want is for us to have dinner together, maybe kiss some more … oh. And I want you to tell my plants you love them."

"You what now?"

"Kiss some more. I really like kissing you. Duh."

He holds up a hand to make me stop talking. "That part's a given. Go back to the plant thing."

"What plant thing? I want you to tell them you love them. No biggie."

"I'm not doing that."

I gasp the biggest gasp. "Benny Roger Phillip Frankie Dalton?—"

"None of those are my middle names?—"

"Do you really want my babies to think you don't like them? Rich has been sick. It's been a hard time for us all."

"Anyone ever told you you're a drama llama?"

I smirk. "Anyone ever told you you're a grumpy lumpy?"

His cute nose wrinkles up, and it hits me again how fucking gorgeous he is. "I won't say it."

"Come on. Just once. For me."

Benny throws a quick look over at them.

"Just one time," I push.

"You're such a pain in the ass."

"Eh. Didn't hear you complaining before."

"You weren't in my ass before. So, I was definitely complaining."

I love hearing how he talks about sex. No embarrassment, just exactly what he wants. And he wants it from me, which I'm still struggling to process. I have zero self-confidence issues, but Benny is … I don't even have words. I just know that the more of him I get, the more of him I want. He takes away my ability to breathe, to think, to function like a normal human. It's on the tip of my tongue, heart beating out of my chest, to ask him to come home with me after this. To spend the night. Maybe get more naked time in.

Fuck, I'm craving it.

I don't ask though. I'm still feeling this thing out, and the last thing I want is for us to go full pelt into sex and some kind of relationship, only for it to fizzle out. I don't want that with him.

I pull Benny in front of me so we're both facing my plants and wrap my arms around his waist.

"Say it."

I can feel the reluctance radiating from him.

"Like you mean it."

He huffs and drops his head back against my shoulder. "I love your plants. They're the prettiest flora I've ever seen."

"Aww …" I headbutt him this time. "I think you just got Stacy pollinated."

He belts me in the shoulder, and I laugh, pulling him out of the enclosure and closing it up behind us. We still have a lot of night left to spend together, eating in the Zen Garden under the stars, but I'm already dreading the night being over.

I'm just going to take each moment together one at a time and hope he's right there with me.

I grabmy usual green tea and hot chocolate and hightail it to class. I'm running later than usual due to Austin being slammed at Bean Necessities, but I still have plenty of time to make it before Professor Brooks locks the doors.

The second I see Benny, hood up and pretty eyes darting around the class, the smile that breaks out across my face is out of control. The other night was … wow. And every text message since has made me confident I'm falling for the guy, which is something I'm still trying to catch up with. It's one thing to be attracted to him sexually, but to start having feelings, to be thinking about more than just hanging out and getting off? It's been a process.

I jog up the few stairs between us, careful not to spill our drinks, and plonk his hot chocolate down in front of him.

"Good morning, cutie."

Benny scoops up his drink. "You're in a good mood today."

I dump my bag and drop into the seat next to him. "No more than usual."

"Just more … obvious, I guess."

"Well …" I give him a sly look. "Fun nights out will do that to a guy."

He laughs easily, obviously catching my drift. I still can't shake the feeling that he's different in class though. Definitely not as grumpy and cynical … maybe he's trying to make us look more platonic than we are while other people are around.

I don't care if they guess though, but I've never actually told Benny that.

"I'm assuming you're busy after this?" He always is, but it's worth checking.

There's regret in his eyes as he says, "Study."

"Of course."

"Sorry."

"It's okay. I know."

I think he's going to drop it at that when he turns to me suddenly. "I just want you to know that I would if I could. I don't have a whole lot of friends, and being able to talk to you, it's just … less lonely. That's all. I have to study. But I really like that we're friends."

I nod, but I don't have an answer for that. He likes that we're friends? Is he trying to drive home where I stand? And what does he mean that he doesn't have friends? He has an entire house of frat brothers he talks to; he has his family, we message nonstop. And lonely? Did Benny just talk feelings to me? Without me having to push?

Everything about that was … weird.

Discomfort creeps along my spine. I can't pinpoint what causes it, but it has me agitated for most of class. Benny is back concentrating, I'm back watching him, and something is … off.

The feeling's been coming on for a while, but while we're in class, statistics is usually our main source of conversation. That out-of-left-field apology type of thing is new and … not Benny.

He doesn't feel like Benny.

The thought is fucking ridiculous.

I shake off the discomfort. I'm reading into things. Being hot and cold is sort of Benny's thing, and if I thought hooking up again would change that, I'm an idiot.

"Want some gum?" he asks.

"Yeah, thanks."

He holds out the stick, and I take it, gaze catching something on his hand. "What's that?"

"Huh?" He opens his hand. "Ah, just a scar. I've had it since I was little."

It's a good one too. Raised and shiny white, stretching across his palm.

There's only one problem.

I kissed that hand.

That palm … didn't I?

I stretch my memory back, trying to remember exactly which hand it was. The more I think, the more sure I am.

"That … that wasn't there before."

He snatches his hand back. "What?"

"The other night. Maybe …" I laugh and run my hand over my face. "I think I'm going crazy, but I swear that wasn't there when we … you know. Don't worry, my mind is just playing tricks on me."

Benny looks confused as hell for a moment, and then his face morphs. "H-Harrison?"

"Yeah?"

"Oh, fuck."

His voice is so loud it draws attention from the people around us, made even worse when he scrambles for his bag.

"What's going on up there?" Professor Brooks calls, making yet more people look.

I drop my voice. "You okay, Benny?"

"Fine. I'm fine. I just … I have to go. Not feeling well." He holds up a hand—the non-scarred one that's currently lodged in his pocket—to Professor Brooks. "Sorry, sir. Feeling horrible. Gotta run. Class was great. Everything was great." He keeps rambling all the way down the stairs to the front of the class, and then when his feet hit solid ground, he bolts.

I'm left staring at the door swinging back closed behind him, feeling like something is very, very wrong.