Chapter 19

HARRISON

I'm confused and worried, and I only get more confused and more worried as the day wears on with no contact from Benny. My gut is telling me something isn't right, but I don't want to jump to theories or conclusions without getting a chance to talk to him.

Classes are a write-off, so I head home rather than over to the DIK house. If Benny isn't texting or calling back, he doesn't want to talk, so forcing him into a corner won't do either of us any good. He needs to come to me, and he needs to explain what's up with that goddamn scar.

"You okay?" Felix asks when I walk into the kitchen and pull out the bottle of vodka.

"Fine. Just too much thinking going on."

He watches, amused, as I throw back a shot. "So, the cure to overthinking is killing brain cells. Love it."

"What else would you suggest?"

"Talking it out is a good alternative."

I grunt and take another shot. What do I say? I think the guy I've been hanging out with and having sex with might be hiding something from me, and that something is a whole-ass person?

Urg… my head aches.

Because if the theory I'm trying not to think about is actually true … I don't know who I've been seeing anymore. I don't know if it was all some joke they do for a laugh.

They.

Fuck.

I take another shot before Felix rescues the bottle from my hand and puts the lid back on it.

"Now that we have the drinking out of the way, we're going to try the talkies next."

"I have no idea what to say, Fe. I'm confused."

"Well, first of all, you could tell me you had sex with your gorgeous new friend."

I frown at him. "Marshall told you?"

"No, I overheard you two talking, so I kept my distance so you'd have your privacy. And you still haven't told me. But I figured it was relevant to this conversation, so you don't need to worry about some big coming-out moment. I love you, I'm happy you're figuring yourself out, blah, blah, blah …"

"The funny thing is that I haven't figured anything out at all."

"Oh. I assumed you were having some big bi moment?"

"Maybe …" I scratch my chin, not really having room in my brain for this too. "I know that I'm drawn to Benny. Super hot for him. Everything is … easy with him."

Well, it was. Until now.

"Think you could be demi like Marshall?"

"Nah, but it did occur to me. I've never not wanted to have sex with someone just because I didn't know them though. Sex is great. People are attractive. But …"

"What?"

"Well, it's that whole wanting more thing that doesn't always hit me. But with him, I think it might be. Sex is just an addition to that."

"Hmm … maybe pan?"

That would probably make sense. I wasn't immediately sexually attracted to Benny, but I did like him. More than friends. That feeling has only intensified the more time we've spent together, and it's gotten to a point that I don't care if he has a pussy, a dick, or a fucking tentacle between his legs, he just makes my cock all the way hard. Getting him off is one of my favorite things to do.

Figuring out that little lightbulb moment doesn't make me as relieved as I'm expecting though.

I'm just … sad.

I want to talk to Benny.

But do I even know him at all? He's helped me figure out this huge thing about myself, and what if everything I thought I knew about him is a lie?

A knock on the front door immediately catches my attention, and Felix and I exchange a look. Marshall has his own key, and we don't have a lot of visitors.

"I'll get it," I tell him, hoping like hell it's Benny and he has the scar and he really was just sick this morning.

Only when I open the door and meet his guarded hazel eyes, the truth sinks into my gut.

Whoever that was in class wasn't him.

I knew it, long before the scar; his eyes are a dead giveaway. Looking at them now, the way they always seem so wary and like they're looking too hard, reminds me that whoever I sit next to in class is never like that.

I step aside and hold open the door.

Benny doesn't say anything, just walks inside and heads straight to my room.

Normally all the plants in here send off happy feelings through me, but I'm on my guard too. On edge, waiting for what the hell he's going to say, and the way he's so stiff, the way he's inspecting the pots by my window instead of me, tells me I probably don't want to hear whatever is coming next.

He finally talks. "I hear you met my brother."

And there it is. Confirmation. Just thrown out like a casual statement and not the kind of thing making my head spin. Sure, the alcohol isn't helping, but I didn't drink that much. I still heard every word.

"H-how? Are you a?—"

"Twin?" He shrugs, hands in his pockets. "Yeah. Obviously."

"Obviously." I snort because this isn't funny. "Why the hell is he pretending he's you?"

Another shrug. "Just something we do."

"Yeah? And how often do you fucking do it?"

"Don't yell at me."

"Then start goddamn talking because I'm spinning out here. The guy I'm into suddenly isn't who I thought he was, and now I have no fucking clue which parts were real and which weren't. Was it only you I had sex with?"

He finally looks at me. "I don't know, did you have sex with Emmett as well?"

"How the fuck am I supposed to know that?"

Hurt crosses his face. "It wasn't on purpose. It's not like we tried to trick you or anything."

"Well, that's a relief." And even though my voice is heavy with sarcasm, there's a part, deep down, that acknowledges it really is. "Why did he tell me he was you?"

"He had to." Benny scuffs the toe of his sneaker against my carpet before lifting his head, determined. "He's taking the class for me. He had to pretend he was me, just like I've always done for him. It had nothing to do with you, and I'm really sorry you had to find out that way."

"Would you ever have told me?"

"Of course," he snarls. "Goddamn it, he was never supposed to talk to anyone. This should never have been an issue, but apparently, you had a big effect on the both of us."

"This is my fault?"

"Did I say that?" His gorgeous face is splotching red. "I'm shit at this. I'm shit at talking. You know that."

Know that? At this point, I have no clue what I know. "Do I though? How the fuck do I know what's you and what's … Emmett?"

"He said he's never talked to you outside of class."

"And you believe that?"

"He's my brother. He'd never lie to me."

"Except you just said he was never supposed to talk to anyone. Did he tell you he was talking to me? Is this the same brother you said had a secret? Who you were worried about?"

"That doesn't matter."

I scoff. "How do you know that secret wasn't me?"

Benny glares, and even though he does that a lot, it's not with this kind of intensity. "Em would never, ever lie. If he says he only talked to you in class, he only talked to you in class. That's not up for discussion."

"How is it that I'm the one who was played by you, and yet you're getting angry with me?"

"I never played you."

"Oh, yeah?" I step forward until we're toe-to-toe, actually letting myself feel the hurt now. Actually, looking at him and overlaying the face in front of me with the face in class. The subtle differences. The subtle changes in how they made me feel. The guy in class never made my heart race the way the one in front of me does. "I was falling for you, Benny. Goddamn turned stupid over you. And now … I don't know who you are. You say you're a twin, and you say all those moments outside of class were ours, but … how do I trust that? How do I trust you? Fuck, you're cheating in class. You're talking about it like it's some kind of normal thing, but it isn't. Who are you?"

His eyes are watery through his glare. "Clearly not the person you thought I was."

"Clearly."

He clears his throat, suddenly looking confused about why he's here. "I'm sorry. I just wanted to say that. I'm sorry. Everything I've said today was the truth. Em and I never played you. We didn't even know the other knew you."

"So, you didn't tell him anything about me?"

"Of course I did! I talked about you constantly. I'm one step away from being obsessed with you, but you told him your name was Bowser, and I only knew you as Harrison."

That makes sense. He randomly started to call me by my name that day we hung out after class. Was that the first time it was him?

"I …"

"Look, I shouldn't have come over. I'm sorry. We'll just … get the hell out of your life, I guess."

I grab his arm as he tries to step by me, but even I'm not sure why. All I know is that I don't want him to leave, but I'm not ready for this conversation.

"Look, I'm confused, and I'm hurt, and …"

He nods quickly.

"I don't know, Benny. I don't know what to say."

"I get that."

"You've just made it so hard to trust you."

He sets his hand on my chest.

Before he can say anything, I lift it off and turn his hand over, revealing his completely clear palm. The solid proof that this is really happening. My face twists, and he snaps his hand closed again. This whole thing is just too much.

I step back, trying to arrange my thoughts in a way that makes sense.

When Benny walks out of my room, I let him go.