Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Lothar stood in front of Gemma, surprised she had given him another chance after what she had just seen. He felt guilty even though all he felt for Henny now was contempt. He had merely shown concern for her and could not allow her to hurt herself. It may have been a way of manipulation, but Henny had known Lothar would catch her. He always had and she thought that he always would.

He had been a complete fool giving Henny yet another chance when he could have something good with Gemma, something real.

Mother had warned me not to let Henny ruin a future I might have with Gemma. It was not easy to remove her from my life and my heart. At the same time I find Gemma taking up residence in my heart faster than Henny ever had. The thought of losing her feels greater a loss than to finally let go of Henny. Lothar thought as he searched her face and his mind for the words that could make this right between them.

Her expression when she had seen him with Henny had made his chest constrict his breathing. He had not meant to hurt her and had let her down so soon.

“Your Grace, I do not believe there needs any explanation,” Gemma said quietly. Lothar had almost forgotten how sweet her voice sounded.

How could I have let myself be such a fool!

“My Lady, I apologize if what you witnessed seemed distasteful. Henny, Baroness Whitcomb, had a fainting spell and I simply assisted. I may have overcompensated as I lost a family member with the condition,” Lothar started to explain. He spoke without thinking first hoping she would see that he was sincere.

He had not once in his life been with more than one woman in his life. To be seen as a man who would take a relationship lightly was bad enough. He had made it plain that he wanted to marry her. Now perhaps she viewed him as a man who took something as sacred as marriage as though it was a trifle matter

“Your Grace, though it is admirable that you showed concern, I do not think that is all you feel for her,” Gemma replied.

“While it is true, My Lady, that I did have feelings for the baroness, her feelings for me never did. Marriage is not a possibility,” Lothar replied.

“May I be frank, Your Grace?” Gemma asked and took a step towards him.

“Always My Lady,” Lothar replied immediately. He took a deep breath of relief that she was speaking to him at least. Even if it meant the next words would banish him from her life.

“Your Grace, since marriage to the baroness is not an option, then am I to assume I am second choice?” Gemma asked. Lothar tried to find any sign of humor in her stony gaze and regretfully did not find any.

“Not at all, My Lady,” Lothar said, and Gemma narrowed her eyes.

I do not think that was enough to impress her, Lothar thought.

“Your Grace, why do you want to marry me?” Gemma asked. Her tone was level and held little emotion behind it. Lothar felt panic grip him as he realized that he may have lost Gemma already.

She had gone from a woman he had met and formed an immediate bond with. Then she had seemed a completely different person. He had thought then that there was nothing worse. Looking at her now. Her face and words without emotion. He now felt further away from her, and he did not know how to remedy it.

“Because I believe we are a good match, My Lady. I think we would be good for each other,” Lothar answered.

“Good for each other in what way, Your Grace?” I know that the funds you will receive from marrying me will be good for you. What is it I would get that would benefit me?” Gemma asked.

“My Lady, I know I may not have all that much to offer you but, all I have will be yours. Together I know you and I could build something amazing,” Lothar replied, quite earnestly.

Lothar waited for Gemma to respond. The moment seemed to last for hours. Every second that ticked by made Lothar’s heart beat harder against his ribs.

“And what will happen if the baroness decides she wants to be your wife after all?” Gemma asked.

“It is too late for that now. I have come to realize that what little there is between she and I will never become more than what it is and will also not be enough,” Lothar said, and though he had not thought about it or said so, he found that it was true.

“If all you desire from our union is to secure funds to aid your estate, why do you not seek a loan? My father would loan you the money. The bank may even be able to help. Your Grace, I must say this. You knew I was not seeking marriage, yet you went against my wishes.”

“My Lady, I assure you that was never my intention. I did not mean to upset you. The truth is I had hoped that I could change your mind. You see it is not just funding I require. I want a wife, a companion. My Lady, where most of the men my age have several children and have settled down long ago, I am still alone.”

He felt terrible for upsetting her and had not meant to come across as selfish. He had found himself so enamored by her that any money he would receive would simply be an added extra.

“Loneliness is not reason enough to go against what I clearly said I did not want, Your Grace,” Gemma said. All the hurt he had caused was plain to see in her eyes.

“I am so sorry, My Lady. I truly do value your wishes,” he replied.

“I find that hard to believe, Your Grace. As I have said, I do not want to be married, and I shall not give up my writing to keep you company,” Gemma stated.

“I shall not ask you to stop something you enjoy. My sister has a duty with our family name. As my wife you will not be expected to do the same,” Lothar replied.

He had held onto something that had been a farce, a fantasy he had created to help him when he had been rejected by her time after time. He had even managed to convince himself that they had stood a chance when she had married someone else.

I should have let go of Henny long ago. I have spent years waiting for her and now I might have paid the one price I am not willing to pay. I will not lose Gemma to an idea of how Henny and I could be. Lothar thought.

“I apologize, Your Grace. I do not think that I agree with you. I do not believe we are a good match at all. You will not allow your sister to publish her poetry. You will no doubt insist that I abandon my career as a writer to be your wife,” Gemma said, looking more upset than she had moments before.

I am not getting through to her, Lothar thought with dismay.

“Good morning, Your Grace. Please, do excuse me,” Gemma said, and was about to get into her carriage when Lothar moved forward. His feet seemed to move on their own. His hand moved to reach out for hers. He had thought he had missed her hand, but she stopped and turned towards him.

Lothar did not know what to say. He moved closer to Gemma and gazed into her eyes. He bent head down to hers and placed the lightest kiss on her cheek.

“Please, My Lady. Let me show you I can be a good husband to you,” Lothar whispered. He saw something flash in her eyes though it happened too quickly to discern.

“How do you intend on doing that?” Gemma whispered back.

“Let us start afresh and I will spend every moment we are together earning your trust,” Lothar vowed.

Gemma moved back and Lothar’s heart dropped.

“I shall have to give it some thought,” Gemma replied.

“I shall come by tomorrow to hear your answer,” Lothar said. Gemma nodded and turned to get into her waiting carriage. Lothar stood there and watched as the carriage rode away.

I have to do better, or she will leave, and, on that occasion, I shall not see her again. Lothar chastised himself.

He went back to say goodbye to Henny. He did not tell her that after what she had done, it would be the very last time he would come when she called. He did not think it would matter to her. He bid her farewell and felt light as a feather as he made his way to his carriage. He knew his mother would be outraged that he had gone to town to see Henny. He also knew she would be happier to hear that he still stood a chance with Gemma.

Lothar arrived home to find that Henny had sent word that she wanted him to come to tea the following day. The footman had looked astounded when he had said that he sent his regrets that he would not be able to join her.

He could only imagine what her reaction would be. He had thought he had known her only to learn that she was not at all how he thought of her. He did not know if she had always disregarded him or had she only done so today. He was now glad that she had. He would now be free to enjoy a full relationship with a woman and not one built on hope.

That is if she decides to allow the opportunity. Lothar reminded himself. I have to make sure that she gives me a chance, I will not give up until she does. I would not have to make it up to Gemma if I had not been such a fool with Henny. Enough! No more about Henny. She was a difficult lesson from the past, whereas Gemma was his bright future.

Flowers and sweets will not be enough, Lothar thought as he went in search of his mother. He found her looking through their pantry.

“Good morning, mother,” Lothar said when he had found her.

“Good morning, Lothar. How are you?” His mother asked.

“Well, thank you, Mother, and yourself?” Lothar replied.

“I have no qualms. I was just about to come see if you had returned from town. The pantry is not looking so well,” his mother reported in a grave tone.

“I am doing my best, mother,” Lothar said with a smile. A smile that faded at her next words.

“It does not seem as though you are, my boy. What is this I hear about you being seen with Henny?” His mother asked in the same tone she had used since he was a young boy. He was truly in trouble with her.

“I simply met her in town and just as well that I did. I ran into Miss Castwell,” Lothar said, and was relieved to see his mother’s face light up with joy.

“What happened?” His mother asked.

“Well as I did mention before she had seemed different. I asked that we make a new start, and she asked for time to think about it,” Lothar answered.

“You would almost surely be planning your wedding by now if you had only listened about Henny.” His mother’s tone warned that he had upset her.

“That is not for certain, mother,” Lothar added gently as he tried to calm her.

“Perhaps. I wish you would see that all Henny has done and is still doing, is keeping you from being happy. That is all I have wanted for you, Lothar,” his mother said, sounding more emotional than she usually was.

“As I wish for you to be happy mother, I apologize if I have upset you. Henny was a big part of my life, my first love. It is not as simple as forgetting about her,” Lothar replied.

“I think that it is that simple, and that you should do so. That woman is no longer part of your life.” Lothar may be the head of the household but, when his mother had her final word on a matter, it was the end of the debate.

Lothar smiled as he did not feel his usual response of coming to Henny’s defense. He smiled at his mother. “Mother, would you please contact Mrs. Gardner. I would like to know how I can really make Gemma mine. Flowers are fine but I want to do something special for her,” Lothar said.

“I shall contact her at once,” his mother replied with an approving nod. Lothar had not seen this much enthusiasm from his mother in a while. He felt more and more as though he had made the correct decision.

Henny will have to understand that it is time for me to find happiness. If she had truly wanted me then she would have not married another man or have strung me along all these years. If only you had not made me a laughing stock. No that is not true. There is no chance for us anymore and I pray it is not the same with Gemma, Lothar thought.

Waiting to hear what Gemma’s would decide was as filled with torment as knowing he had caused her pain. He had been unsure how to be around her when she had seemed unlike herself. Now he knew that he might have been the cause for her change in behavior in the first place. He had not considered how this must feel to her. She had told him she did not seek marriage and just after that he had gone to see her father.

There is no end to the ways I have treated Gemma unfairly.