Chapter 5

Five

SHAY

T here will be no moping over a man who literally appears and disappears without warning and uses a lot of pretty words to say very little. A man who isn’t even a man, as he was quick to remind me.

Not that his species—if that’s even the correct term for reapers—matters. Every sentient being is off-limits for more than friendship. Even if their future can’t possibly be laced with horrific images, I don’t want to see what’s ahead for someone I’m intimately invested in.

Dela’s suggestion the other day that I could have a hands-off yet romantic relationship with Kohl got me thinking about the possibility. Too much thinking, because it led to hoping.

After his admission last night… bye-bye, hope.

For reasons he can’t or won’t explain, he went against the intended order of things when he returned my soul to my physical body fifteen years ago. Since then, he’s been waiting for the Oracle to realize my soul isn’t where it’s supposed to be. He hasn’t been hanging around because there’s some rare, fated connection between us. Kohl has been watching over me because he fucked up. He’s waiting to fix his mistake.

Disappointment is a flavor I can do without. Even worse than dill pickle, and that’s a stomach turner. Kohl has the right idea about one thing, though—fixing mistakes.

Kohl saved my life, brought me to create a new one. My singular focus back then was surviving. But once I was here, protected, I should’ve done something to prevent the killings I’d foreseen from happening. Something other than falling to my death. Talk about a plan gone wrong.

There is something I can do now that I couldn’t before. Or maybe I could have, but not easily or comfortably. Though, I don’t expect reliving the shit in my head to be comfortable. Not even in the company of good people I trust. But I have to try. To ask, at least.

I’ve been to my boss’s house before. Always for work-related reasons, until his fated mate came to town. Since Natalie’s arrival in Fate’s Falls, I’ve been to Constantine’s house—now their house—for Natalie’s cousin Ro’s baby shower, Natalie and Constantine’s engagement party, and a paint night. Three events in a short period of time. More nonmandatory socializing than I’d done in the previous decade-plus.

The paint night was partly for fun, partly so Natalie could use her friends for a test run. Once word got out around town that Constantine’s new-to-town human mate was a professional artist, residents started inquiring about her work. Buying original pieces, commissioning customs, and taking lessons. Offering those lessons in the form of fun paint-night parties was Ro’s idea. Even while pregnant and abstaining from alcohol, Rosetta is always down for a good time.

Even on paint night, being in awe of how Natalie draws as naturally as breathing, it didn’t cross my mind to ask for her help with this . That click happened last night, while I lay awake, fuming and frustrated and trying to make sense of everything. Now it seems obvious. If she’s willing to do it.

One way to find out. Taking a deep breath and shoving my second thoughts about opening this can of worms as far down as possible, I ring the bell.

Constantine’s deep-voiced, “I’ve got it,” is loud enough for me to hear through the large, solid wood door before it opens inward, my big Minotaur boss filling the frame. “Shay.” His heavy brow rises. “Is everything okay?”

“I should have texted Natalie before just showing up on your doorstep. If this is a bad time?—”

“Not at all.” Stepping aside, he gestures for me to come in. “Natalie is out on the patio. Go on through.”

“Thanks, boss.” It’s habit, calling him that, even though he became a friend as much as he’s my employer. I nod and walk past him, carefully avoiding any contact. That’s habit too. Even though I know he’s a good person, through and through, and he’s committed heart and soul to his fated mate, who is a gem of a human, I still can’t bring myself to take the gloves off.

Maybe that’ll change one day. Not with everyone, but at least with the people closest to me. Hugging Dela reminded me how good it feels to have that kind of contact. I knew I missed it, just now how much.

“Hey, Shay,” Constantine calls from behind me, before I reach the doors that lead to the patio. When I turn, he’s standing in the kitchen, hands casually in his pockets, concern evident in his expression, even with his dark, nonhuman features. “Since you avoided answering my question, and I know you pretty well after all these years, I assume everything is not okay. I’m never going to pry into your personal life, but I’m always here to listen or help. Just wanted to make sure you know that.”

“I do, and I appreciate it. Especially after I wasn’t willing to help you when you asked.”

A bullish huff of breath accompanies his head shake. “My request was way out of line. It was wrong for me to ask you, knowing how strongly you feel about not using your magic. I’m glad you refused and set me straight.”

It’s not the first time he’s apologized for asking me to use my seer magic for a look at his future, but I nod an acceptance just the same. “All in the past; don’t give it another thought. And I’m glad I didn’t peek into your future because I would’ve hated to ruin how beautifully everything unfolded for you and Natalie.”

“You’re right. Things couldn’t have turned out more perfect.”

Envy twists its green fingers around my heart. I’m happy for my friends, but seeing them get everything they’ve dreamed of still drives home the fact that I’ll never have that experience.

But I’m not here because of lost dreams. I’m here because of nightmares.

“If you’re not in the middle of something, you can sit in on my conversation with Natalie. Might as well tell you both at once, since you’re going to hear about it, anyway.” I hook a thumb toward the patio door. “Want to hear the big secret of my life I’ve kept hidden for fifteen years?”

“Only if you want me to. I respect you and your privacy. If you’d rather Natalie not share whatever you came to talk about, she won’t say a word.”

“Not aloud or intentionally, but I know you two have that mind-talking thing.”

Constantine’s dark mouth curves upward. “We generally reserve that form of communication for personal matters.”

Raising a hand, I shake my head. “Say no more. Like I’ve told Natalie, I don’t want to know the details of my boss’s sex life.”

“Fair enough,” he says with a deep chuckle. “I’d feel the same way if Natalie were to discuss details of her girl-talk conversations with you or Dela. Which she never has, just for your peace of mind.”

“Yup, Nat’s a good one.”

His massive chest puffs out. If he were a cartoon character, there’d be hearts in his eyes. Then he blinks, and a more serious expression returns to his face. “With that all settled, I can head over to the brewery for a few hours, so you and Natalie have privacy.” Posed as a statement to take the pressure off me, it’s still obviously a question.

Mentally gathering my shit, I cross the room to join him in the kitchen portion of the open-concept house with its oversized furniture made to accommodate his bulky Minotaur physique.

“All the time I’ve lived in Fate’s Falls, I didn’t want anyone to know what happened before I came here. Why I am the way I am. It was easier to let everybody assume I’m just cold. I thought keeping my past a secret was the way to move on, but I haven’t, not really. Things have come to light recently, and I realized it’s time I stop hiding from what happened and do something about it. Try to, anyway. I’m hoping your brilliant artist mate can help with that, if she’s willing. I’m going to pay her, of course. And I’m okay with you sitting in and hearing it all.”

“If Natalie can help you, I’ll make sure her creative fee is taken care of. With all the hours you’ve put in at The Brew off the clock, it’s the least I can do, and don’t bother arguing with me about it. You’re stubborn,” his amber eyes glint as he points to his muzzlelike nose and horns, “but I’m the bullheaded one.”

Snorting a laugh, I shake my head. “Can’t argue that.”

“Good. Just one important question before we head out to see Natalie.” He steps to the fridge and opens it, coming out with several cans of his brewery’s craft beer in one big hand. “How many of these are we going to need?”

I extend both gloved hands, palms open. “As many as we can carry.”

B y the time I say goodbye to Constantine and Natalie several hours later, I have a folder of eerily accurate portrait sketches and one very solid buzz. From the beer. The friendship. Like when I revealed the ugly truth of my past to Dela, relief flooded in when I lowered the walls with Natalie and Constantine. All of it together is dizzying. Light in a way I’ve never felt before. It’s enough to make me hum, literally, on my walk home. A random tune I must know from somewhere but can’t place. Whatever it is, I like it. Then it transitions to something different. Then another song. And another, until a song I recognize enters the queue.

I cackle while walking toward my front door, nearly jumping out of my skin when Kohl appears out of thin air. “This is how I’m going to die,” I say, waving my hand around in front of him. “Scared to death by a reaper.”

“I apologize.” He nods, and like every other time, his hood stays in exactly the same position on his head. “I was drawn to your music.”

“You’re shitting me, right?” I stare at him, waiting for some indication that he’s joking. Nothing. Propping my free hand on my hip, I snort at the ridiculousness of it all. “Being super old and super nosey like you are, you must know what song that was.”

“I do not.”

Another cackle rolls out of me. “It was ‘(Don’t Fear) The Reaper’ by Blue ?yster Cult.”

“They give wise advice. Reapers are neutral beings; there is no reason to fear them.”

I blink at him, waiting for more. More words, a smile, even a hint of humor. Doesn’t happen. “That’s it?” At his nod, I burst into full-on laughter. The kind that makes me double over, clutching my stomach because it cramps up. It’s probably the alcohol making it funny, but I don’t care. It feels good to just laugh my ass off.

My neighbor, an older fairy who has lived in the cottage next door since before I moved into mine, pops her head out her front door, a loud “Oh!” carrying across the yards as she lays eyes on my unexpected visitor.

“Don’t worry, I’m fine,” I say, collecting my wits enough to reduce my amusement to grinning. “Kohl isn’t here to reap my soul—” I whip my head over to face him. “You’re not, right?”

He shakes his cloaked head.

“Nope, he’s not here to take me. Just to annoy me,” I call over to the kindly older fairy. “Sorry to disturb you, Mrs. Allis.”

“If my presence annoys you,” Kohl says when my neighbor retreats inside her house, “I will resist the urge to make myself visible to you again.”

“But you’ll still be hovering in the ether?” I gesture around vaguely, but it gets the point across enough that he nods. “You need a hobby other than stalking me. Whether I live to be a wrinkly old witch or the Oracle yanks my soul out of my body five minutes from now, I’m going to be fine. I don’t need an immortal babysitter.” Snickering, I wave my hands around as if I had the magic to cast a spell. “I release you from your obligation!” My theatrics are obviously a bit too loud, since Mrs. Allis closes her front window with a notable slam.

Kohl gives me space as I continue up the front walk, but he doesn’t poof away; his currently very solid form falls in step beside me. “Do I truly annoy you?” he asks as I attempt to insert my key into the lock, which won’t seem to stay still. Making a humanlike exhalation, he takes possession of the key without so much as grazing fingers.

“I didn’t need help,” I grumble when he makes quick work of unlocking the door. Defaulting to my usual defensiveness. Stubbornness. Pushing people away and adding bricks to the wall between me and everyone else. Old habits die hard.

Calm as ever, he doesn’t call me out for being snarly, or say a word of any kind. He just returns my key in a contact-free manner.

I know he’s being considerate, but it’s like salt in the wound. I’m so damn tired of people being careful around me, even though I drew the boundary line. All I’ve ever wanted is to be normal.

All of that combined with his continued neutral-faced silence makes me feel like a cornered cat who hasn’t had a decent meal in fifteen years. Huffing, I cross my arms over my chest. “Are you going to say anything?”

“I was waiting for your answer.”

“Seriously? You’re waiting for me to answer you? Oh, the irony. Okay, yes, you do annoy me, but if you’re going to be floating around anyway, I’d rather see you than wonder when you’re creeping on me. On that note, have you been ethereally stalking me today? Before being drawn to the reaper song, I mean. Which is kind of hilarious. And convenient. Now I know how to get your attention in a hurry—just play your ‘here, reaper, reaper’ song.” I semi-sing that last bit in the way someone would call their pet.

Either he doesn’t get the humor or doesn’t care that I’m poking fun at him. There’s no hint of irritation—not that I’ve ever seen him display that emotion—but also no sign of amusement. And I like coaxing a smile to his lips. They’re nice lips that look sexy with a smile.

Pining for anyone is a mistake, but for a reaper? I must be a masochist in the emotions department. Though, at least I won’t have to feel resentful seeing him around town looking cozy with someone else. Which begs the question, “Have you ever dated or hooked up or been in love?” I snort as soon as the inquisition leaves my mouth. “There I go again, asking questions you’ll never answer because you just conveniently vanish instead.” Making the poof gesture, I shake my head, push the door open, and step inside. “Goodnight, Kohl.”

“Leaving you is the last thing I wish to do, Shay.”

The way he says my name halts my hand’s forward motion on the door. The next thing I know, my lips are moving, saying words I’m likely to regret. “Do you want to come in and talk?”

“I would like that very much.”

“I was sure you’d say no. If not by disappearing, then in some roundabout way, with fifty unnecessary words intended to spare my feelings.”

“It will never be my choice to reject you,” he says, moving to the threshold. “If ever I say no to you, it is only because I must.”

Taking a step back, I open the door wide and motion for him to enter. The moment he’s inside and the door is closed behind him, both cats hop off the couch and cross the living room. Rune sniffs tentatively at the bottom of Kohl’s dark cloak where it grazes the floor. Cookie sits in front of Kohl, silently staring up at the reaper.

“Do not worry, friend,” Kohl says to the big ginger. “All is well.”

My new addition saunters off to the kitchen, Rune following directly behind.

“Were you actually communicating with the cat?” I ask, after they’ve hopped onto the wide window ledge that overlooks the backyard.

“He is not just a cat; he’s a familiar, a supernatural creature. And yes, I can hear the truth in his soul if I listen, as his position indicated he wished me to do.”

Just when you think things can’t get weirder. “And Cookie was worried you were here to collect my soul,” I say, though it’s more question than statement.

“Yes.”

“Is he going to worry about that every time you’re here? If I invite you in again, that is. Which I’ll only do if you don’t leave me hanging in the answers department. No more ‘poof goes the reaper,’ got it?”

“If it is within my power to stay, or at least to tell you I must go, I will. There is a reason why I disappeared from your yard without warning during our last conversation.”

“Can’t wait to hear it.” It comes out in my default snarky way. He’s here and wants to talk, to explain. All things I want, yet I can’t seem to drop my attitude. Even with him, or maybe especially with him, I need my armor.

I turn and walk to the couch. He’s right behind me when I face him again. Literally a single step away. Close enough to touch without fully extending my arm. And goddess, help me, I’m tempted. I remember him being solid and warm. But maybe that was because I was so cold after he saved my dead ass from the frigid river.

Positioning myself on one end of the couch will keep him safely out of temptation range. Rather than take a seat at the opposite end and leave a cushion’s worth of space between us, he brings the chair from my nearby small desk and sets it directly in front of me. His cloak flows around him as he settles on the wooden chair, not touching me, but not leaving much of a gap between us, either. There’s an inch separating our knees. One careful, deliberate inch would be my bet.

“To answer another of your questions, I wasn’t watching over you today. I haven’t had the opportunity to do so since our last time together, and I regret the abruptness of my exit, but it was beyond my control. When I’m with you, I ignore the pull to reap, knowing one of the others will fulfill the need. That night by your fire, all reapers were needed in the in-between, making it impossible for me to resist the pull. All reapers’ duties have been manyfold in recent days.”

“Of course.” The world beyond Fate’s Falls’ boundary rarely affects me, but I still watch the news. So much death overseas. And here I’ve been pouting because Kohl hasn’t made time to pop into my yard again. “Look, forget I said anything. I had a few drinks today with friends and they make me extra saucy. The drinks, not the friends. Even without the extra sauce, I have no business asking you personal questions.”

“I want to answer your questions. I very much wish to share my…personal matters with you.”

Wishful thinking I can’t control takes over at the intimate way he says personal matters . Hopefully, my face isn’t giving my thoughts away. Though Kohl could just as easily poke around inside to get the truth from my soul. Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad. Then he’d know my impossible feelings and I wouldn’t have to admit them aloud. But he’s not probing my soul. I’d feel it.

“I’ve had no relationships in this realm or any other. Reapers are not meant to have emotions or make connections. We were created to be neutral. Dutiful. To fulfil our specific purpose of guiding souls without sympathy, judgment, or any other bias which emotions could create. But with you…everything is different. The night I met you was the only time I have touched a mortal being while in physical form. I did so because I wanted to comfort and protect you, and once I held you, I did not want to release you. I’d never experienced such a desire—nor any other —before that night. Now that I am close to you, in physical form, the urge to touch you again has grown stronger.”

All I can do is gape. Replay his words in my mind. Attempt to process it all.

“But I will not touch you. You have my word.”

Me, the queen of comebacks, has nothing.

“And it wasn’t the song that drew me,” he says when I nod, because it’s all I’m capable of. “I said it was your music, and I meant your music, Shay. The music of your soul. I felt your happiness rising and I couldn’t stay away. The pull toward you was greater than the call to fulfil my duties.”

“Why?” It comes out as a whisper, and I am not the whispering type, damn it. But I’m afraid to break the dream or spell or whatever this is, because it can’t be real. “Why me?”

“That is an answer I don’t have. Perhaps the Oracle knows, but I fear losing you by asking the question.”

“Because my soul isn’t supposed to be here.” I swallow hard when he nods. The idea of being ripped out of my life here sends a shiver down my spine. But it could happen. Even if Kohl doesn’t draw the Oracle’s attention to my altered course, it could happen some other way. “If the Oracle pulls the plug on my rebooted life, and my soul moves to the other side, you’ll be able to see me and talk to me there, like you do here, won’t you?”

“Not if the Oracle has recalled me from service for my actions.”

“That sounds like a nice way of saying ‘if the Oracle kills you.’”

“I am not a living being in the mortal sense; I cannot die the way you do. This body,” he motions downward, “is temporary.”

“What about your soul? What would happen to that if the Oracle recalled you?”

“Reapers do not have souls. There is no next place for us.”

“If serial killers like the one whose future I saw have a soul, then you most certainly do. You say that reapers aren’t supposed to have emotions, but you just told me you have feelings. So I call bullshit that you don’t have a soul.” Fueled by my emotions, I hop up from the couch, whack my shin against the coffee table, curse the fiery sting shooting up my leg, and lose my balance.

And end up in Kohl’s lap.