Chapter 18

Chapter Eighteen

A smile grew on Gwen’s lips as she came awake. He was still there, surrounding her with his warmth. His arm draped heavily over her body. She could tell by the light coming in around the curtains, that it was no longer morning. Midafternoon, if she had to guess. Ash’s breathing was deep and even, so he must still be asleep.

She shifted carefully so that she could turn and see him. He was perfect, even in sleep. His usually immaculate hair stood up in all directions because he’d gone to sleep with it still wet. His face was relaxed and peaceful, none of the typical worry or tension. His brow was smooth, his dark lashes resting serenely against his cheeks. Even the sharp planes of his nose and jaw somehow seemed softer.

She wanted to stay there in bed with him forever, but if she did, they would more than likely make love again as soon as he woke up. She needed to understand what their future held. She trusted that he truly did love her, but what did that really mean? Being in love didn’t suddenly make everything they were doing acceptable. It wouldn’t resolve the problems that were undoubtedly starting to germinate among the other ladies as they speculated what was happening between her and Ash. They needed to talk, and that simply wouldn’t happen in his bed.

As gently as she could, she moved from under his arm and slid herself out of the bed. Quietly, she donned her nightgown and robe and settled into the chair near the fireplace. There weren’t even embers left in the grate and his bedroom was cold now that she wasn’t in his embrace, but she didn’t want to disturb him, so she just pulled her feet up inside her robe and curled herself up tight.

A noise came from out in the main area. It was probably Fogg. He’d been so obviously uncomfortable when he’d led her up here as she’d cried. She needed to apologize. Quietly, she pulled the door open and peeked out. Fogg turned and his half smile vanished as soon as he laid eyes on her. They instantly grew wide and Gwen almost laughed. How could she possibly be so frightening? She placed a finger over her lips to keep him quiet as she stepped out and closed the door softly behind her.

She watched him swallow and did chuckle then. “I promise I won’t start crying, Fogg,” she said quietly. He still looked horribly uncertain. “And I promise I’m nice.”

“I’m sure you are, Miss.”

He was a large, fit man who Ash clearly trusted. It was humorous that he was made so uneasy by her. “I want to thank you, Fogg.”

He shook his head. “It was nothing, Miss.”

“Not for me. For Ash. Thank you for keeping him safe and for always taking such good care of him.”

“Of course, Miss. That’s my job.”

“I don’t just mean the obvious things, Fogg. You’re probably one of the few people who has seen his scars. Not just the ones on his skin, but the ones on his soul, as well. From what I’ve witnessed, you've been loyal and protective, and as someone who cares for him, I’m grateful he has you.”

His demeanor changed, then. His eyes relaxed and the corners of his lips moved up just a bit, as if he’d nearly smiled. “Thank you for saying so, Miss.”

Ash’s door opened, and he stepped out. He was wearing his robe, once more. His eyes flicked between Gwen and Fogg. “Is something amiss?”

Fogg shook his head. “I’m sorry, Ash. I didn’t mean to disturb you.”

“You didn’t disturb me. What disturbed me was that my bed got cold.” A devilish gleam danced in his eyes. Stepping close behind her, he wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pressed a kiss to the top of her head.

“Since you’re awake, I’ll see to your fire,” Fogg said, and hurried into Ash’s bedroom.

Ash chuckled. “This is going to take some getting used to for him.”

“Does that mean this is going to be a common thing now?”

“Well, that’s what we need to discuss.” He let out a long sigh over the top of her head.

“That’s why I got out of bed. If I had stayed there, we’d probably be doing something else right now, rather than talking.”

“You might be right.” His lips nibbled on her ear as his hand reached inside her robe to find her breast. Even with the fabric of her nightgown as a barrier, it was beyond enticing.

“You are making this impossible.” She pulled his hand out of her robe and turned to face him.

“I’m sorry.” He reached for her hand. “I’ll behave myself.” He pulled her close. “If I ever get too pushy or do anything you don’t like or you don’t want, you will tell me, right?”

His look was so tender and concerned. It was obviously important to him. She cupped her hand around his cheek. “Of course, my love.”

He turned his head, his soft lips pressing against her palm. “Good.”

“So are we going to talk, Ash?”

“Perhaps we should put on proper clothes so we can have a proper conversation.”

Gwen removed her hands from his and took a step back. A flicker of doubt passed through her. “Why does it seem like you’re avoiding this conversation, Ash?”

He lowered his gaze with a sigh. “I suppose I am, a bit.” He looked into her eyes. “The truth is, I’m afraid. I don’t know what the right answers are here, and that’s never been the case for me before. I’ve always just known what I wanted and did whatever I had to do to make that happen.”

“So what’s different now?” Uncertainty made her voice more demanding than she’d meant it to be.

One side of his mouth quirked up in a soft smile. “Well, for starters, this isn't just about what I want. These decisions are just as much yours as they are mine.” He paused for a moment before continuing. “Here’s what I know to be undeniably true. I want you, Gwen. Not just in my bed, and not just for a moment. I want you forever by my side.”

Gwen braced her hands against her stomach, overwhelmed by his declaration. How could that possibly be? Those were the kind of words she’d dreamt of hearing from him for such a long time.

“And I also want this.” He held his hands out, gesturing to their surroundings. “I want this club. I want this life. I want to stand on that balcony and watch over people as they celebrate and play and gamble. I want my friends and my partners. I want to take in women and make sure they have a chance at a life that doesn’t involve selling their bodies or picking someone’s pocket.” He winked at her and her heart nearly burst with the love she felt for him.

He shrugged, suddenly looking crestfallen as sadness settled over him. “I don’t see how I can possibly have both. Not to mention, I have no idea what you want, and so,”—he breathed a deep sigh—“I’m afraid.”

“Oh, Ash. How can you be so brilliant and amazing and wonderful and also completely oblivious? I want those very same things you ridiculous man.”

“You do?”

She threw her head back in exasperation. “I told you I love this place, and I also told you I love you.”

“But what about a family? Children? I don’t believe I’m capable of providing you with that even if I did want it. With my history, and the fact that I’ve never produced any offspring, I’m guessing that won’t happen. I don’t want to deprive you of that, Gwen.”

She stepped forward and took both of his hands in hers. “If I haven’t become pregnant in the past year, I think it’s likely I’m barren, anyway. So the real question is what about your heir and your responsibilities to the title?”

He shrugged. “I never planned to have children, or even a wife for that matter. I will be taking a more active role in my estate, but I don’t think the next earl will come from my loins, and I don’t ever want to live there permanently.” He sighed. “As for you being barren, that is yet to be proven. Perhaps you were not the reason you didn’t conceive. He wasn’t able to successfully get his wife with child either. In which case, although I think it extremely unlikely, you could actually be pregnant even now, because I haven’t been very careful.” He ruffled his hands nervously through his hair.

“Would you be upset if I am carrying your child?” She hadn’t even considered the possibility before.

He swallowed as he looked at her. “I’ve never wanted children for fear that I may be to them what my father was to me. Although, I’m starting to believe that may not be true.”

“Of course it isn’t true. You would be an incredible father, Ash. I saw you with Maggie. You would dote on your own children, and they would love you.”

“This is not a place for raising children, Gwen.”

“Perhaps not, but it is a place to be proud of. It’s a place you could teach your sons to respect women of any status and a place you can teach your daughters that they deserve to be treated with dignity and respect no matter what. To teach your children that you are more than your title and that there is fulfillment in helping those less fortunate.”

He looked into her eyes so intently. It was clear he wasn’t sure he could believe what she said, but he was trying to. Slowly, he wrapped his arms around her and pressed a long kiss against her forehead.

“Well, I still think it’s unlikely children will ever happen. But I imagine we will have plenty of non-traditional nieces and nephews to spoil. Would that be enough for you to feel fulfilled?”

“As long as I have you by my side, I will be happy.”

“There’s just one last problem then.”

“What’s that?”

“You said you didn’t want to marry again.”

She shook her head. Sometimes he could be incredibly obtuse. “That didn’t apply to you, Ash.”

“Well then.” He dropped down on one knee and her heart began to hammer inside her chest. Was this really happening? “Gwen, my wonderful, beautiful, amazing angel, I don’t know what the future will hold for us. We may have difficult decisions and problems to solve, we may have a family that doesn’t look like what tradition dictates it should and a life that doesn’t fit societal expectations. I may be dark and broody and grumpy and even oblivious. I may want you in my bed far too much. I may not be any good at facing my fears. But I will love you and I will move heaven and earth to make sure you are happy and safe. Will you marry me and walk by my side through whatever life brings us?”

“Of course I will, my love.”

In one movement, he stood and lifted her into his arms, pressing his lips against hers. He set her back on her feet and looked deep into her eyes. “I love you, my angel.”

“Wait. I have one condition. I want a bathtub like the one at Woodburn.”

Amusement flickered in his eyes and he kissed her again. “Done.” He wrapped his arms around her and breathed in deeply. “You should have asked for more,” he whispered. “I would have given you the stars.”

“It would seem congratulations are in order.” Fogg’s voice startled her as he spoke from the doorway. She’d forgotten he was even there, and an embarrassed giggle bubbled out of her.

“Don’t worry, Fogg. I’m sure you’ll survive having a woman in the house.”

Fogg’s expression said he wasn’t so sure, but then he turned to look at her and there was a kindness in his eyes. “Perhaps this one.”

* * *

Ash stood on his balcony, as always, and waited for the other three to arrive for their meeting. Excitement and trepidation tussled inside his stomach over the prospect of telling his partners of his sudden betrothal. They would be supportive, of course, but shocked, nonetheless.

When they were all settled around their usual table, his tensions eased a bit. He loved these men like brothers. More than he ever had his actual brother, if he was honest. “Before we talk business, I have an announcement to make.” He paused briefly. He hadn’t planned any kind of speech for this, so he just surged ahead. “Gwen and I are engaged to be married.”

Patrick clapped a hand over his mouth to keep from spraying brandy across the table and began to sputter and cough. When he finally got himself under control he turned his gaze on Ash. “Would you stop making these announcements when my mouth is full?”

Michael’s mouth was agape, and even Giles looked utterly stunned. Ash chuckled with amusement. It was exactly the response he’d imagined.

“I know it’s a surprise that any woman would agree to take on everything that comes with me.” He shrugged. “But she has.”

“Congratulations, Ash.” Michael raised his glass of barley water in a toast. The others followed suit and they all took turns clinking their glasses with his.

“So what does that mean for—” Giles gestured around at the club.

“I know you’ll all think it sounds a bit naive, but for now, not much will change. Gwen will move into my private quarters and stop dancing, of course, but otherwise, I expect things will continue relatively normally.”

“And what about when you start a family?” Michael’s wife was expecting even now, so of course he’d be the one to ask about that.

“Well, based on—” Ash hesitated, unsure how to phrase it delicately. “I think a family of our own is unlikely. But if that does happen, we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. We’re hopeful that you will allow us our role as aunt and uncle to any children any of you may have.”

“We would be honored for our children to have Uncle Ash and Aunt Gwen.” Patrick gave a salute with his glass.

“And the same goes for us,” Michael promised.

Giles held up his hands. “I’m not having any.” He shook his head resolutely.

“We’ll see, Giles.” Ash raised a brow in his direction. “If I can fall, I’m not sure any man is safe from the clutches of love and marriage.”

The other two chuckled. Never could Ash have guessed that the three of them would all one day be madly in love with their wives, but somehow, fate had made it happen. Incredibly, fate had also given him a family, the thing he’d never known he needed or even wanted. A family, not of his blood, but that truly loved him. Gwen, these three men, Trent, and Maggie. Not to mention, Fogg, Sarah, all the ladies at Raven House, and Benson. He might just be the luckiest man alive.