Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven

“Y ou really do make it impossible for me to say no.”

Gwen hesitated for a moment, uncertainty settling over her. “Am I pressuring you to do things you don’t want to do, Ash? That wasn’t my intention.”

He huffed a laugh and rolled his eyes. “Quite the opposite, Gwen. I want these things with you more than you can possibly imagine, but I also know I shouldn’t. As your employer it isn’t right for me to take liberties.”

“Well, we’re in luck, then, because tonight, here in this house, you’re not my employer. You’re just a man.” She rubbed a hand over his shoulder and down his arm. “A handsome, strong, kind, intelligent, wonderful man, who I adore.” She cupped his cheek in her palm. His gaze was locked with hers and she watched as his throat worked with a swallow.

“I must be the luckiest man alive to have the privilege of having you in my life again.”

“Or the unluckiest.” She giggled. “All I’ve ever been for you is a headache, picking your pockets and breaking all your rules.”

“Mmmm.” He lifted her chin and pressed his soft lips against hers. “But you’ve also been my angel. The truth is, I was terrified of finally returning here. I knew the nightmares would haunt me again once I was within these walls. But then you arrived, brave and kind and unyielding, chasing them away. You’ve held them at bay these past nights, keeping me safe from my terrors, and I will be eternally grateful for that.” He pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead.

“So, I suppose the least I can do on our last night here is see that you’re thoroughly sated.” A decadent vow flashed in his eyes and warmth pooled in her stomach as desire streaked through her. He got up from the bench and offered her a hand, but he didn’t escort her from the room as she’d expected him to. Reclaiming her lips, he crushed her to him, his tongue sending rivers of desire racing through her as it plunged inside her mouth. She whimpered, overwhelmed with need as his hands roved over her back.

He wrapped them around her bottom, and surprised a squeak from her when he lifted her onto the piano. The shock of the cold surface through her robe, was quickly tempered by the heat that raged through her body. He took her mouth with a savage intensity, and she returned what he offered with reckless abandon. He stepped between her legs as she spread them wantonly. His strong hands gripped her hips and pulled her to the edge of the piano. Her robe had parted, leaving the fabric of his trousers as the only barrier separating the bulge within, and the sensitive flesh between her thighs. Was he going to take her? To press himself inside of her? Why did a part of her long for that with Ash? Long to be connected to him, to have his body inside hers?

He reached between them and untied the sash before pulling the fabric of her robe open. Holding her in place with his steadying hands on her thighs, he took a step back and allowed his gaze to sweep over her body. She’d never been so vulnerably naked before, her legs spread wide for his eyes to devour every inch of her. And they did. She wasn’t embarrassed or ashamed because what she saw in his eyes as they scoured her, was sheer awe.

“My God, Gwen. You are staggeringly beautiful.” His tongue flicked out to wet his lips and his breath was shaky.

She’d never thought of herself as beautiful. She had a rounded belly and thighs that were short and stout like the rest of her. But she didn’t doubt his sincerity. His reaction left no doubt that he, at least, found her to be to his liking.

He groaned softly as his tongue seared along her collarbone, as if he’d been dying to taste her. His clear desire had wetness already pooling between her thighs, and he had hardly touched her yet. Goosebumps rose on her skin as his tongue glided up her neck and he nibbled gently on her earlobe.

His hand skimmed over her ribs before her breast was settled in his warm palm. She groaned, her needy nipple swelling against him, demanding his attention. It had felt good through her nightgown, but having her skin against his with no barrier was incredible. He nipped kisses down her throat as he gently massaged her breast.

“How do you make me feel so good?” she murmured as his mouth feathered kisses across her chest. His lips turned up with an evocative hum.

“I’m just getting started.”

He swooped down and drew her other nipple into his fiery mouth. Sensations shot through her body and she nearly bucked herself right off of the piano. He wrapped an arm around her waist and pressed himself more firmly between her legs.

“Don’t worry, I won’t let you fall, Angel.” The term of endearment sent a whole other kind of joy rushing through her. It made her feel special and cherished.

Pleasure careened through her with each flick of his tongue, until she was squirming and rocking herself shamelessly against his swollen manhood. He gripped her thighs firmly and took a step back, his eyes suddenly boring into hers.

“Don’t you dare to find your own pleasure. That’s my job tonight.” He plundered her mouth until she was breathless with need. Suddenly, his lips abandoned hers but they quickly wrapped themselves around her nipple. She gripped his hair, her body wriggling, desperately seeking out his touch. A powerful ache grew between her thighs.

Slowly, he laid her back onto the piano, his tongue searing a path between her breasts and down her stomach.

“Please, Ash.” If he didn’t touch her soon, surely she would burst with longing.

“As you wish, Angel.” He pressed her thighs open wide and ducked his head. The tip of his tongue slid along her most sensitive flesh, from her entrance, all the way to the top of her sex.

Pleasure exploded and she slammed her hands against the hard surface of the piano, a loud crack echoing through the room. She braced herself, as if the paroxysm would somehow make her fall off. His resulting chuckle feathered over her delicate flesh. Never in her wildest dreams could she have imagined something so glorious. He lapped at her, sending bolts of pleasure through her body. She writhed and jerked as his expert touch pushed her to higher levels of ecstasy. Pleasure continued to build, throbbing through her body, making her legs shake and her hips buck wildly against his mouth.

His hands slid beneath her bottom, holding firmly to keep her still as he feasted.

“My God, you taste incredible.” He lifted his head just long enough to utter the words before returning to his magical ministrations.

Hearing him speak of her that way made her heart race and sent her pleasure spiraling out of control.

She moaned his name.

His tongue continued in a rhythm that matched her pulse, driving the pleasurable sensations higher and higher. Desperate for release, she sank one hand into his hair, pulling him more tightly against her. The other hand tried to grip the smooth surface of the piano to steady herself. Just when she couldn’t take any more, a cataclysm of pleasure erupted through her, transporting her to some kind of euphoric paradise.

She called out, incapable of words, only desperate sounds escaped her. Wave after wave of pleasure hurtled through her body. Ash didn’t stop his sweet torture until her body finally began to calm.

“Mmmmm.” His voice purred against her skin as he pressed soft kisses to her inner thigh. Slowly he stood and smiled down at her. He took one more long look at her body before he closed the sides of her robe and tied the sash at her waist. Stepping around to the side, he slid one arm under her knees and the other under her back, scooping her off of the piano.

Without a word, she wrapped her arms around his neck and rested her head against his shoulder as he carried her from the room and up the stairs. Her body was limp and languid, soft pulses of pleasure still flickering through her.

* * *

Climbing the stairs without his cane was painful, but Ash would happily endure it any time if it meant having Gwen’s sated body in his arms. Nothing would ever compare to the wondrous experience of her coming undone on his piano while he devoured her luscious sex.

He carried her through the door to his bedroom and closed it with his hip. Lowering himself into one of the chairs, he settled her in his lap.

“Are you alright, Angel?”

She groaned softly. That must mean yes. After a few more minutes of silence, she sat up and let out a long sigh. She furrowed her brow and wiggled her bottom slightly. He was still achingly hard.

“I’m sorry, Gwen. Perhaps I shouldn’t have put you on my lap in my current state.”

She shook her head. “You don’t have to spare my sensibilities, Ash. But what about you? What about your wants and your desires?”

“No,” he said firmly. “We’re not starting down that path.”

She rolled her eyes. “Let me guess. It’s against your rules.”

“It most certainly is.” His jaw clenched as she wiggled against him again.

“But what if I want you to take me?”

He simply shook his head. She didn’t know what she was asking for.

“Why do you have to be such a good man, with all your many rules, Ash?”

“You don’t understand, Gwen. If I was a good man, I wouldn’t need all these rules.”

She cupped her cool fingers around his cheek. “That’s where you’re wrong, Ash. You have the rules because you’re a good man. If you weren’t, they would be meaningless.”

“I wish you were right, Gwen.” His heart ached. More than anything, he wished he was the man she believed him to be.

“Then tell me why, Ash. You didn’t have any trouble letting me believe that you’ve killed men.” She turned in his lap to better face him.

“That’s different, Gwen. Punishing men who have hurt people I care about does not make me a bully or an abuser.”

“Then what does?”

He shook his head. Fear settled in his stomach at the thought of telling her. “Are you sure you really want to know? You will never see me the same way again.”

She held his face in her hands, her gaze flicking back and forth between his eyes. “Yes. I’m sure.”

He let out a long sigh. “Very well.” Perhaps if she knew the truth, it would make it easier to end all of this. Perhaps she’d want nothing to do with him once she knew. He looked down, unable to meet her eyes as he confessed his horrific sins. “It started when I was thirteen years old. On my thirteenth birthday, actually.” He fidgeted with the fabric of her robe, not sure if he could actually speak the words to her. He didn’t want to see the shame that would inevitably appear on her face, but he suddenly had a burning need to tell her. For some reason, he wanted her to know all of him.

“What happened on your thirteenth birthday, Ash?”

A muscle ticked in his jaw as he remembered the scene. “My father, in this very room, as it happens.” He swallowed over a lump in his throat. “Ordered a young housemaid to—” He cleared his throat. “Apologies, but I don’t know how to make it any less lewd. He ordered her to pleasure me with her mouth.”

He flicked a look up to her eyes, but they weren’t filled with judgment. Instead, they held such kindness. “You were a child, Ash. Your father is the only one who did anything wrong. You were as much a victim that day, as the maid.”

“Even if you were right, Gwen, that day was only the beginning.” He looked up into her eyes then, willing her to see the monster that he truly was. “As I grew, I took advantage of more and more of them. I’d have them on their knees or over the back of a sofa or however else I pleased. I was a villain, no better than what I walked in on with Warwick. I abused those women relentlessly. Day after day after day.” To his dismay, an agonized sob broke from his lips. Tears flooded down his cheeks, choking sobs crashing over him so powerfully, they rendered him nearly unable to draw breath. What was happening to him? He’d never cried a day in his wretched life.

Gwen wrapped her arms around his head, pulling him against her bosom. Her hand rubbed soothing caresses over his hair as he cried.

“No,” he finally shouted. “No, I don’t deserve your kindness.” Irritably, he brushed the tears from his cheeks. “I caused those women untold damage. I was a savage that they must have loathed.”

“Did you force yourself on them?”

“I didn’t have to,” he said angrily. “Just like I wouldn’t have to with you.”

“No,” she said firmly, forcing him to look her in the eye. “This”—she gestured between them—“is not like that. What’s happening between us is because I want it, not because you are in a position of power over me. Not because you’re taking advantage of me. But we will come back to that later. First, we’re going to talk about these other women. At the time that those encounters happened, did you know what you were doing was wrong or that you might be hurting them?”

The tears began to flow again as he shook his head. “But that doesn’t excuse my behavior.”

She held him to her again. “Of course it does, Ash. You were merely emulating what you’d seen. Doing what you thought was appropriate.”

He leaned back. “Are you implying that because I didn’t know any better, it somehow didn’t hurt them?”

Her mouth turned up in a sad sort of smile. “You sweet, kind, wonderful, man. Those women were not victims of you, they were victims of your father. As were you.”

“No. I don’t get a pass just because my father was a beast.”

Gwen raised her beautiful, pale brows. “From the moment you realized your behaviors might be hurtful, how many women have you done that with?”

“That’s when I laid down rules for myself.”

“So, how many?”

“It doesn’t erase what I did, Gwen.”

“How many?” she said sternly.

He let out a shaky breath. “Just you.”

“And before me, when was the last time you were with a woman?”

“Why are we having this conversation, Gwen?” His voice was firm, but what he really felt was fear.

“How long, Ash?”

“Fourteen years. I don’t see why that matters.”

She closed her eyes. “You’ve been celibate for fourteen years because you’re terrified of hurting someone. You’ve convinced yourself that you’re a monster. This is your father’s legacy, Ash. You can’t allow it to devour your whole life.”

“What would you suggest I do, then, Gwen?” Anger was bubbling up inside of him. Anger at his father. Anger at Gwen for making him face his ghosts.

“I suggest you put your rules aside, at least for tonight, and allow me to help you heal.” She wiped the residual tears from his cheeks.

He was ashamed of his emotional outburst. “I’m sorry, Gwen. I’ve never cried like that before. I don’t know what came over me.”

“Well then, I’m so glad your first time was with me.” She pressed a tender kiss to his forehead. “What came over you was a lifetime of being strong in the face of tragedy, pain, and abuse. Those scars that I felt on your back, were those put there by your father?”

He nodded. Benson had left a few, but he wasn’t to blame. It was all his father’s doing. Ash sucked in a shuddering breath as he suddenly understood, that’s what Gwen had been saying about him and his actions.

“Those injuries on your back have healed, but the damage he did to your soul, that has been hidden away, still raw and bleeding. Perhaps tonight can be the first step in allowing those wounds to heal, as well.”

“Why do you show me so much kindness, Gwen?”

“I learned that from you.”

He jerked back.

“Is that really so hard to believe, Ash? You’ve only ever shown me kindness, even in my darkest hours. Even when I’ve poked, prodded, and teased you. Even this very night, you sacrificed your own wants and needs to ensure my greedy desires.”

“If you’re talking about what happened on the piano, that was certainly not a hardship.”

“Wasn’t it?” She reached between them, her hand gently settling against his trousers. His arousal immediately stirred at her soft caress. He grabbed her wrist and shook his head.

“Do you trust me, Ash?”

For a moment, he didn’t answer. “Yes, but I don’t trust me.”

“Well, I do trust you, and I want to feel this inside me.” She rubbed her hand against his growing erection. “I want to feel that connection. I want you to vanquish my dark memories of that act, and I want you to allow me to vanquish yours.”

His breathing accelerated as a combination of panic and excitement warred within him. Could he really make love to her? Could he allow himself to forget about his past transgressions, just for a night? He’d certainly like to make her forget about her past.

“Are you really certain, Gwen?”

Joy radiated, like rays of sunshine, from the smile that grew on her face. “I’ve never been more certain of anything in my life.”

“I don’t know, Gwen.”

“Well, why don’t we try? And if you want to stop at any time, you can just say the word hairpin.”

Laughter bubbled up from somewhere deep inside him.

She climbed off of his lap and held out her hand. They were really going to do this. He was really going to do this.