CHAPTER 48

Sylvia said love makes us vulnerable. I guess that's true for all relationships.

In my quest to be whole and take risks, I find myself in my home office two days after New Year, about to connect to a video call with Nicholas's mother.

Andrew, her husband, and the man who would've been my father-in-law, comes online first.

"She's putting on some makeup," he says. I nod. Andrew leans forward until his face fills the screen. "Thank you for this, Hayden. She hasn't put on makeup in months. This is special for her, this call."

I shouldn't be praised for such a thing. I have avoided them for more than two years. Left them to grieve Nicholas without so much as a phone call in all that time.

"How are you, Hayden?" Andrew says. Compassion blooms across his face. I forget sometimes that I'm not the only one who broke that day.

"I'm okay, Andrew. How are you?"

His smile is sad. "I get along. I miss Nicky but, you know, what can you do?"

There's a shuffle in the background on Andrew's side. He looks back. "Here you are. You look so beautiful, honey. Come and show Hayden. He hasn't seen you in a long time."

Andrew turns back to the screen. "I'll leave you two alone, Hayden. Keep in touch, will you, son?"

I nod. Maybe I will this time. Maybe I'll take the risk.

Elizabeth slips into the chair and settles in front of the computer on the other side. Nicholas looked so much like her.

"Hayden, my darling," she says.

"How are you, Elizabeth?" I ask, and I am immediately overcome by my love for these people. How I loved Nicholas's parents. Still love them.

"Getting along, sweetheart. Some days are worse than others, but—" she lifts her shoulders, "—what can you do? I've missed you."

And I realize how much I've missed them too. "I missed you too, Elizabeth. So much." And then, everything comes pouring out. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I failed you. I failed Nicholas. I let your only son die. I wasn't there for him. I'm so sorry." Tears fall like a flood breaking through a riverbank. My shoulders quake and it's that day all over again. Nicholas is gone. Nicky is gone. Nicky is gone.

Elizabeth reaches out to touch the screen. "It wasn't your fault, dear."

No. It was my fault. I shake my head. "I should've gone to him immediately."

"No one blames you, my love. We love you very much – nothing will change that – and we know how much you loved Nicky."

"I could have saved him. I should have saved him."

"Is this why you've kept your distance, Hayden, love? Do you think we blame you?"

"How could you not? I was at the top of his crisis plan." I swipe my hand across my eyes, wiping my tears, and bringing Elizabeth back into my vision. Tears fall down her cheeks.

"Oh, my darling, Hayden. You went to him as soon as you could."

"It was too late. I was too late."

"You're hurting so much, love. I understand. I miss Nicky too. I can hardly get through from one day to the next, knowing my child is gone and I'll never see him again. But to see you hurting, Hayden, it makes my heart ache even more."

"I'm sorry I didn't make it to dinner last year. And I'm sorry it's taken me so long to call."

Elizabeth reaches out to touch the screen again. "We all grieve in our own ways, Hayden. You don't have to apologize for it. I wish I could give you a hug, love. Please, tell me. What can I do to help you?"

I inhale deeply. "I think I'd like to take over Nicky's charities."

She smiles. "Yes. I talked to your mother about it a few months ago. She said you'd think about it."

"Yes. And I'm sorry I didn't get back to you about it sooner. But—"

"You feel it's time?"

"Yes. I think so."

"Well, I"ve been doing a terrible job, so, of course you can take over. We can sort everything out over the next few months. Whatever you need, just let me know."

"Thank you, Elizabeth."

"No, Hayden, sweetheart. Thank you. For everything. For the way you loved Nicky. For understanding him. For making him so happy. It's all we ever wanted for him. To be happy." She tears up again but manages to keep talking. "But tell me, Hayden. How are you, really? How have you been, love?"

I have to tell her the truth. If I want to move forward, I have to integrate the past with the present. "I – I've met someone." And with that, for reasons I can't understand or explain, my tears renew, and I am once again inconsolable.

"If you are looking for my blessing, you have it, Hayden. You deserve happiness. Nicholas would've wanted nothing more than for you to be happy."

"Thank you," I whisper. And then, "He's bipolar too."

And much like my own mother, Elizabeth's face falls.

"He's so resilient. Like Nicky." My words – a defense, really – feel feeble coming out of my mouth.

"How can I ask you not to love him when I know how valiantly you loved Nicholas? But I have to ask, Hayden, love, how will you cope a second time?"

"I'll take care of me first and I'll be brave," I say weakly.

She nods. "You are already brave, Hayden."

I don't think that's true, but I accept her words. "Thank you for taking my call."

"Oh, honey, of course. I've been waiting for your call for so long."

"I guess I should go now," I say, afraid I'll turn myself into a sobbing mess again if I keep talking.

"Will you call me again?"

"Yes. I will. I promise."

"Alright, dear. Then you have a good evening. And I'll look forward to talking to you again."

***

I sit in my office for a long time after my call with Elizabeth, tossing the idea of going to see Levi back and forth in my head. I've given him his space this past week but not seeing him is beginning to burden me.

I could tell him I want to apologize in person for my behavior on Christmas night. I'll explain that I fell for a moment. I let everything get to me after seeing Nicholas's happy face, and I forgot to keep all my rage locked in.

The decision is made for me when my doorbell rings, and when I open the front door, I find a Gallery 180 vehicle parked outside. Security must really like Levi to let him through like this without informing me first.

He's sitting on the porch with his back facing me.

I step outside. His head hangs down with his forearms resting on his thighs.

His legs are spread, and I have an instant need to drop to my knees and bury my head between his thighs. My sexual attraction to Levi has not been dulled by everything that's happened between us.

He lifts his head and shoots to his feet.

"I—" I begin.

He starts at the same time. "Hayden, I'm sorry."

I shake my head. "No. I'm sorry."

He rushes to me, grabbing my shoulders and searching my face. "I'm medicated," he blurts out.

My heart leaps, and relief floods my body. "It's cold out here. Let's go inside."

"Daniel said I should come and see you. He gives good advice. But I wanted to come too. Not just because he told me to." He babbles as he follows me inside.

I remove my jacket and take his. Hang them up. "I'm glad you listened to him," I say. Then, bravely, I turn to him, grab his face, and kiss him.

He kisses me back, and I taste his desperation. Or maybe the desperation is mine. It's hard to tell when Levi's mouth opens beneath mine with as much need as my own.

I know we need to talk, and if we don't stop, we'll end up fucking before we say another logical word to each other. I pull away, but Levi follows my mouth, capturing us in another kiss. "I'm okay," he says with desperation between kisses. "I'm a little agitated and sad, but still, I feel mostly okay. You don't have to worry about taking advantage of me. I'm sorry I didn't come sooner."

I press my lips to his. He feels so good. The restlessness I feel when he's not around immediately dissipates.

"My head isn't spinning. My brain is quiet for now. Do you believe me? Do you trust me?" Levi says.

"I do," I whisper into another kiss.

"Do you know how relieved I am, Hayden? That my head isn't spinning out of control right now? I don't know how long it'll be like this but, for now, I'm okay."

"I know, Levi." And I do know. I feel his chaos too. I understand his inexplicable sadness and numbness when he's low. His fear when he's happy. The devastation when he's sunk into that void where nothing matters. I would never be able to walk in his shoes, but if he'll allow it, my commitment to his disorder would be as real as anything I can offer him.

"I'm sorry for Christmas night. For what I did with the peace lily and the canvas," I tell him.

"There's nothing to be sorry for," Levi whispers.

"No. I wasn't being responsible. I'm sorry for letting things get out of hand between us. I knew you were manic, and I let you down. Twice now, I've let you down." My apology is laced with shame.

"Hayden, I don't blame you for anything. And you have to know that you gave me something so precious the last time we were together. I wasn't able to express it then but letting me have you like that was the most beautiful thing you could have ever done for me. I wanted you to be mine like that. Thank you for being everything I ever wanted."

I kiss him again. Deep, and filled with everything I want to give him. "I'm so scared sometimes," I admit softly into our kiss.

"I know. Me too. I don't want you to go through this a second time."

"But I still want you, Levi."

"Tell me about Nicholas. I need to know how much you tolerated. I need to know how much you suffered before so I can find ways to not make you suffer again."

I inhale sharply, knowing that this is an important part of moving forward. Levi needs to be equipped for my suffering as much as I need to be equipped for his. This is the being vulnerable part Sylvia talked about. This is letting the past empower us, instead of dictating the future.

Taking him by the hand, I lead him to the living room. Pull him down to sit beside me, then, taking him into my arms, I give him this piece of me.

"Nicholas was misdiagnosed with ADHD when he was a child. Again, misdiagnosed with major depression when he was a teenager. He was correctly diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder when he was twenty-one. He refused to accept it."

"I get that," Levi says softly against my chest.

"Unmedicated, he was extremely violent. Especially as a teenager. He drank a lot when he was younger and that just made everything worse. His parents were afraid of him. He used to carry around a knife with him everywhere, and that caused them to be afraid to go to sleep at night. When his mother was alone at home she'd sometimes have to hide away. She once hid in a cupboard for four hours. They said his psychosis was terrifying. Of course, at the time, no one knew to call it that."

"Untreated Bipolar Disorder is really fucked up and terrifying, Hayden."

"I know. The medication for depression made him numb and not himself, so he went off them regularly. His family suffered a great deal. He was uncontrollable. And very cruel at times."

"Hayden, I watched the videos online. You can't see any of it."

I brush my lips against his soft curls. "Nicholas's life before he was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder was kept from the public eye. He was too unstable. His schools and college had to sign non-disclosure agreements to keep his erratic and sometimes dangerous behavior confidential. Families like ours can easily keep things away from the public. If something found its way into the news that he wouldn't have wanted made public, his parents would have it scrubbed."

"That online article about him being bipolar recently—"

"You won't find it if you try looking again."

"Go on," Levi says.

"The videos you see online are from the time he agreed to undergo therapy and take his meds. He dedicated his life to staying well after that. I was very proud of him for his efforts. I was luckier than his parents. I didn't see his violent side. He was on treatment by then, so he was quite subdued. But it was a lot of trial and error with his meds. The first four years were very hard, but I loved him, you know."

Levi's head moves against my chest.

And then, because Levi deserves the truth, and I'll have to trust him to keep the truth of how Nicholas died to himself. "Nicholas's death wasn't just an automobile accident," I say.

Levi shifts, looking up at me curiously.

"Nicholas had not had a single episode for the last three years of his life. We were happy. He was stable and thriving in his career. He loved the limelight. The public loved him, and he used his position to do many good things. So many lives were improved because of Nicholas's work."

Levi's eyes search mine. He knows what's coming.

"A few weeks before he died, Nicholas became manic. I don't know when exactly it happened."

"You didn't notice?" Levi whispers. He knows better than me what Nicholas must have felt.

"Yes," I whisper. "Nicholas and I had become used to him just being . . ."

"Normal?"

I let out a bitter laugh. "Yes. Normal. We forgot how bad it could get. I think he knew. That the meds were becoming ineffective, but he kept it away from me and our families. Maybe he didn't want to admit it to himself. Maybe he felt like he'd failed."

Levi's anxiety is in his eyes. "What happened, Hayden?" The desperation in his voice concerns me.

"Maybe we should wait. I don't want to trigger you."

He clutches my shirt, reaching up to kiss me. "I can handle it, Hayden. I promise."

I contemplate his response. I'm not sure, but maybe I should trust him to know how much he can handle.

"I didn't notice anything. Life was just the way it had been for three years. It was good. Everything was good. I had a lot going on at work, so I was spending a lot of time out of the country. When I was in the country, I spent a lot of time in meetings, coming home late, working from four o'clock in the morning, that kind of thing. But we still made time for each other. We were getting married in a few months, and with the wedding preparations, I guess we lost sight of other important things."

Levi drops his head to my chest, pressing his cheek to my heart.

"The day he died, he called me more than a dozen times. Texted me so many times. He wasn't feeling well, he said in the text. He felt like his skin was moving. Like millions of ants, he'd said."

Levi stiffens. I pull him closer. "I'll finish telling you the rest later," I whisper. But the truth is I want to tell him now. I've never, not even with Sylvia, recounted the events surrounding Nicholas's death like this, with no filter. And I know it's selfish, but if he tells me to go on, I will. Suddenly, I'm desperate to shed this load, to share with someone the incomprehensible shame and devastation I carry over Nicholas's death.

"Tell me, Hayden."

"He wanted the noise to stop so he took pills to sleep. He wanted the ants to stop crawling, and he – he—"

Levi presses his cheek further into my chest.

"—he dug through his skin to make it stop moving." My voice is thick, my heart heavy with the memories. "Everything was too much. He thought if he took some of his sleeping pills he'd calm down. Sleep it off. I'll never know when exactly everything changed. I missed the signs, and I failed him."

"I'm so sorry, Hayden," Levi whispers.

"He just wanted to sleep. He just wanted the noise to stop, Levi. He just wanted his skin to stop moving. He didn't want to die."

"I know, Hayden."

"At some point, he must've realized what was happening. After me, he called his psychiatrist and Evaline. He didn't call emergency services, but Evaline did. Nicholas wasn't there when they arrived. His phone records show that he called an Uber but then canceled it. I don't know why he canceled the ride. Maybe he was afraid the driver would recognize him. Maybe he didn't want anyone to see him in that state. He called his parents but hung up and didn't answer when they called back. He got into his car, heavily sedated. He made it to the highway. He'd shared his location with Evaline as he left home. That's how she knew where to find him."

"He tried to make it right."

"Yes. He tried so hard. He tried so hard, Levi." I swallow back my tears.

"It wasn't your fault."

"It was," I choke. "I was the only one close enough to get to him. Evaline was further away. I could've gotten to him in time. All I had to do was check my phone. I would've driven him to the hospital. He would have survived."

"Oh, Hayden," Levi whispers, taking my face between his palms. I cover his hands with mine, searching for an anchor. I'm falling and Levi is right here, catching me. I lay my head on his shoulder. It feels like I'm finally laying down my armor.

"He was trying to get to the hospital. He was trying to get help after he couldn't get through to me. He didn't want to die, right, Levi?" I beg Levi to understand that Nicholas didn't mean to die.

"He didn't want to die," Levi whispers, cradling my head against the side of his neck.

"He just wanted the noise inside his head to stop. He wanted the millions of ants to stop crawling inside his skin. He made a mistake. In just one moment, he made a terrible mistake."

"I never want you to go through something like that again."

I pull away, taking Levi's face between my palms, holding him the same way he's holding me. "I understand the complexity of this disorder, Levi."

"You also understand more pain than anyone should ever have to."

"Don't do this," I whisper desperately. "Please don't push me away. I know it may seem like my attraction to you is because of Nicholas or I'm trying to replace him or because I'm obsessed with your disorder. But I want you for you, Levi. I promise. Just you."

"I'm sorry for accusing you of being obsessed with this disorder, Hayden." Regret shines in his eyes. "That's not how I feel. Don't add that to your list of things to beat yourself up about," he whispers. And then, "But I can't guarantee that we won't end in tragedy too."

"It doesn't matter."

"It does, Hayden. What if we end in tragedy?"

"Then it will be our tragedy. And I'll choose tragedy with you over a life without you."