CHAPTER 49

I don't know how to be with Hayden in his grief.

I've never seen anyone in this world look so sad. Hopelessness fills his eyes.

Now I know why he was so drawn to my painting the first day we met.

He's as lost as I am when I'm not stable. But where does he go when he can't find himself? Hayden's search for what no longer exists is heartbreaking.

"I'll do my best, Hayden. I'll work hard to stay stable. I'll stay on my meds. I'll try not to hurt you. We'll make a list of your boundaries, and we can do a – a crisis plan, and I'll keep a journal. I'll be good. I know these are desperate promises, but I will try, Hayden."

"It's not a matter of being good, Levi," he tells me softly. "We just need to try. I can promise you that I'll try too. Everyday. I'll try not to burden you with my past." And then, as if he can't hold back anymore, he blurts out, "I avoid hard sex because I'm afraid to love the mania. That's how it was with Nicholas. I—" Shame covers his face. "I loved manic sex with Nicholas. I know how wrong that is."

I kiss him hard on the lips. "You love hard sex, Hayden. Do you know what a turn on it is for me?"

He searches my face. "You know it can be different when you're manic."

"Yes, for some people. For Nicholas, maybe."

"We should talk to your therapist about this."

"Okay, we can do that, but I promise you, Hayden. That has not been my experience. Sex, manic or not, isn't a trigger for me like it was for Nicholas."

"Thank you, Levi."

"For what, Hayden?"

"For understanding."

"And thank you for the same." My thumbs trace soft strokes over his cheekbones. "Now, please state your boundaries."

"We don't have to do that now."

"I want us to fuck like animals in a minute. Please let's get at least some of the big ones out of the way."

Hayden smiles and fuck me if he doesn't seem a little shy.

"Go on," I tell him.

His face gets serious again and he nods. "I need you to know that I'm a person too, and even if I understand the reasons for certain behaviors, it will still hurt me."

I nod, willing myself not to cry.

"If you have the urge to disappear, you have to let me know where you are and that you are safe. And you have to come home. Tell me you'll always come back home."

"I'll always come back home. To you."

"If you are cruel with your words, I'll need time to work through the hurt."

Tears form behind my eyelids. "Yes, Hayden."

"If you are too cruel, and I can no longer bear it, I will have to leave."

"Yes, Hayden."

"If you refuse treatment, I will have to leave."

His pain for uttering these words shines in his eyes. I kiss him softly on his lips and then press my lips to his eyelids. "Yes, Hayden."

"If you cheat, I will leave. I will have to leave, Levi."

I rub my cheekbone against his. His scuff is rough and soothing to the touch. "Yes, Hayden."

"I will stay with you. I promise, Levi. I will stay with you forever if you'll let me. But I have to take care of me too." Hayden's voice breaks. "I'm important too."

This time, I can't stop my tears. "Yes, Hayden. You are." I kiss his eyes again. Press my cheek against his. "I'll work hard. I'll do my best. I promise you this."

"And I'll do my best too, " he says.

***

I lead Hayden to his bedroom, kissing him along the way. "Give it to me the way I want it, Hayden," I whisper.

He kisses me softly. I bite his bottom lip, pulling at the buttons on his shirt. "The way I fucking want it, Hayden," I grind out.

"You're still—"

"I consent, Hayden," I tell him as gently as I can.

He nods, but I can see the war in his eyes over whether he should believe me. He dips his head, deepening the kiss. I lose myself in it, sucking on his tongue and then shoving my tongue into his mouth for him to suck on.

Hayden lets go, and it's beautiful.

Grabbing my face between his palms, he pulls my lower lip between his teeth, biting so hard I instinctively pull back to let out a lustful moan, then I go back for more.

He kisses me wildly, stripping me of my clothes, while I undress him with equal desperation. Naked, bodies pressed together, Hayden shoves me onto the bed. He hovers over me, sucking the side of my face from my jawline to my temple. I lift my hips for his cock, my body begging for his. Hayden presses his hips into mine, his cock lining up with mine. Then he moves. Sliding us against each other. I wrap my legs around his waist, grinding my cock into his stomach.

"Yes, Hayden," I whisper. "More," I beg. "Please, Hayden."

Shoving my legs off him and pulling them apart, he drops his head and buries his face into my groin. "Lift," he demands softly. I lift, moving my hips in a circle and rubbing my cock and balls over his face. Then, he takes me into his mouth, sucking hard and deep.

"Ahh, suck it, Hayden," I babble, pumping in and out of his mouth, desperate for release but needing to prolong this as long as possible at the same time.

Hayden shoves my knees to my chest and drops his mouth directly onto my asshole. He licks me with his flattened tongue, and my hole quivers and begs for penetration. I reach down and, with both hands, open myself up more. He spears me with his tongue, and I let out a cry of anguished pleasure. "Yessss, Hayden, fuck my ass with your tongue. Please. Please."

He sucks my ass, and I swear to God, I'm going to blow.

Hayden moves away to grab a bottle of lube and condoms from the nightstand. I keep my knees pressed to my chest. With hooded eyes watching me, Hayden preps me, and within seconds, he's inside me.

He fucks me long and hard until I'm screaming his name, begging him to never ever stop.

While his body invades mine, while I lose myself in him, somewhere inside my soul, I realize that the place not found is the place we both got lost in – together. Our journeys were so different, yet not so different after all. We both searched for ourselves in a place that doesn't exist, and we found each other.

"Come, Levi," Hayden growls in my ear.

I reach down to fist my dick, pumping hard.

He lets go inside me, and I come, the warmth of my orgasm spreading between us.

Hayden has become my place not found, and I think I've become his.