CHAPTER 47

I admitted to Dr. Emily that I went completely off the rails, and we went through the extent of the damage. Although this time I didn't spend too much money unnecessarily, I had to own up to propositioning a stranger for sex. Also, to add to my great shame, I admitted that I have remained unmedicated. The mixed episode has got her stumped, but she does her best.

I tell Laura that I think I might be in love with Hayden, but I can't be sure since I haven't been stable long enough since I met him to make an accurate assessment.

I'm so scared that I made up all my feelings during my periods of mania and none of it is real. What if it wasn't real? And then, I'm so afraid that if it is real, then I'm going to fuck it up if this mixed episode persists.

I beg Dr. Emily for a new cocktail of meds, and I pray to God all the way home from the pharmacy that they work.

I promise to be good this time. I make a dozen promises to treat people better, take my meds, and never lie to my psychiatrist because she cares about my wellbeing and can only help me if I'm honest with her and myself.

Back home and properly medicated, I re-pot the peace lily, feeling inexplicably satisfied that it won't die.

My sadness over the way Hayden treated this plant is elevated as a result of my depressive state, but I know somewhere in this fog, my feelings are also true. I am sad. Not just because I'm low but because it hurts to think that Hayden was so angry or, maybe, sad, that he tried to destroy something so precious to him.

I'll keep the plant for a few days. Then, I'll return it to him. I won't try to return the painting of Nicholas. It was too much for him. I was too overbearing.

The gallery is quiet in the days following Christmas. Daniel leaves me to myself each day after confirming that I'm low.

Today is especially hard. I'm so low it's hard to keep myself breathing. My sadness can't be explained with words. I make up all kinds of scenarios in my head about how much people must hate me. Everyone must hate me. Hayden texts everyday asking if I'm okay. He asks other questions like how work is going and what new paintings the gallery has sold recently. I answer his small talk, but I avoid his questions about how I'm doing. I don't ask him why he destroyed his peace lily. We're both dancing around how Christmas night ended.

Terri hasn't texted in a few days. Eventually, I can't stand my own thoughts about how much she must hate me too, so I text her.

Me: Hey. Haven't talked to you in a while. Are we okay?

She answers immediately: Hey babe. Of course we're okay. Sorry I haven't texted - family drama. My cousin is pregnant. She's fifteen and won't leave my side. You good?

Me: Oh. Sorry. Hope she's going to be okay. You're not mad at me?

Terri: Absolutely not. I'm here if you need to talk or anything, okay?

Me: Okay, thanks.

Next, I call the support group's phone. Derek answers. "You doin' okay, buddy?" he asks.

"Uh, yeah. I'm okay. You, Derek? You okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. I'm doing great. You lookin' for Sasha?"

"Yeah. How is she? Is she there?"

"Yeah. Matter of fact, she is. Lemme get her for you."

"Wait. Derek? How is she?" Because it'll be hard to gauge much of anything over the phone if she's in a bad place.

"She hasn't eaten for three days. Refuses to eat, more like. Crying non-stop. We need to get that girl home if not to a hospital."

"Okay. Let me talk to her."

It takes about five minutes for Sasha to get on the phone. "Levi, how are you? I haven't seen you in forever. I've been worried about you." Her voice is pitched high and she's speaking too fast.

"Yeah. It's been rough, Sash," I say, appreciating the worry in her voice.

"You're low again?"

"Right now, yeah. But it's a mixed episode. It's been a pretty rotten fuckin' year all round. You?"

"Manic as fuck right now."

"Shit, that fuckin' sucks, Sash."

"Yeah. I'm so done with this shit, Levi. I swear to God. I'm so sick of this life. I just want it all to fucking end, you know what I mean?"

"Yeah, I know, babe. But . . . you're making it through."

"What?" Sasha's voice feels too loud in my ear.

"You're making it through," I repeat, feeling Hayden's words right inside the core of my being. I know how badly I'm screwing things up, but nothing will ever hurt as much knowing that I'll surely destroy the best thing that ever happened to me before it even had a chance to live.

"Yeah?" Sasha's voice breaks. "You think so, Levi?"

I don't know if I would ever be able to articulate what those words from Hayden mean to me. "Yeah, I think so, babe. You're making it through. This is temporary. It'll pass, even if it doesn't feel like it now."

"Thanks, Levi. You too, right? You're making it through?"

"Yeah," I say with more conviction than before I made this call. "Yeah, Sash. I'm making it through.

"Okay. You come down here when you can, okay?"

"I will. I promise."

I hang up and gather my stuff to leave for the day. Daniel stops me at the door. "You good?"

"Yeah. I just talked to Terri and Sasha."

"Some creep got Terri's cousin pregnant. Did she tell you?"

"Yeah. Not the creep part, though."

"Yeah. And Sasha? How is she doing?"

"Okay, I guess."

"What about Hayden?"

"It's . . . complicated."

Daniel steps past me and into the room, motioning for me to join him, then he closes the door. "You like him, Levi? You really like him?"

I nod. "I think I more than just like him, Daniel. But I'm not good for him, right? He was nothing but kind and understanding and I'm just fucking it up."

"Because of the bipolar?"

"Yeah."

"He feels the same? The bipolar is a problem for him too?"

"Well, he hasn't exactly—"

"He never said it like that? About how you're no good for him because of the bipolar?"

"He didn't use those exact words."

Daniel gives me a stern look.

I lean against the door frame. "Okay. It's not him, okay? It's me. What should I do, Daniel? Help me out here. After Lukas . . . should I be in a relationship? It got so bad the last time, remember?"

"I remember."

"So, is it fair to Hayden or to me to get involved like that?"

"If you more than like him, you're already involved."

"So, you think I should—"

"I think you need to take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. Then, go see him."

"And tell him what? That I'm in love with him and I'm sorry I'm loony just like his dead fiancé?"

"Yes. But not the dead fiancé part. That's mean and rude, Levi."

"What if he doesn't feel the same way?"

"Then you've lost nothing."

"But I would have bared my whole soul to him."

"You already have. With your paintings."

I laugh sadly. "Stop having all the right answers. It's annoying."

Daniel grins. "Listen, Levi. All in all, this life is shitty. For everyone. If it's not this, then it's that. No matter what you decide, chances are you're gonna get screwed. If you can choose who screws you, it just makes things a bit easier."

"Oh my god. Is that some kind of sexual innuendo?"

"Yeah, was it good?"

"No. It was terrible."

"Oh, okay. Sorry. But what I'm saying, Levi, is maybe it'll all go to shit. But think about it? What if it all works out? You didn't choose to have Bipolar Disorder. You didn't do anything to deserve an illness that requires so much care. But that's what it is. All you can do is respect your body for trying to keep you together and help it out by staying on your meds."

"You make it sound so easy," I scoff.

Daniel regards me closely. "You know, Levi, it's not just you who needs to be responsible with your disorder. We all do. All of us who know and care about you are responsible for understanding you, supporting you, accepting you during the good and bad times. Now, you're not always gonna get that, but, where you can get it, focus on that. You always think you're a burden but you're not."

"I should go and see him, right? I'm still in a mixed episode but I'm okay enough to go and see him."

I have to go and see him. He deserves an apology. At the very least, I should apologize for pushing him away at Christmas. He might kick me out. He'll definitely kick me out. No, he won't. He's worried about me. He said so over text. I can't sit around and act like the only person who's ever understood me doesn't exist. Besides, it's not like we broke up. This is just a setback. I can fix this.

"Yes, you should go and see him."

I throw my arms around him. "Thank you, Daniel. For everything. I don't know what I'd do without you."

He pats my back. "You just take care of yourself."

I hug him tighter. "I'll be responsible. I promise."

"Okay, let me go, and you get on with sorting this whole Hayden thing out."