CHAPTER 46

Two days after Christmas I arrive at my therapist's office for a face-to-face intervention.

I can't help thinking how pathetic I am to be sitting in her office right now, unable to breathe through the events of the last two days.

Sylvia gives me a bright smile. Somehow, she manages to squeeze a generous amount of concern and curiosity into her smile.

"Sit, Hayden," she says.

I sit.

"You've been avoiding me these last few months. It's good to see you."

I give her a tight smile. "Work," I say as if it's the truth. I have been avoiding her since our last conversation about Levi.

"So, where do you want to start?" she asks.

I'm tempted to say let"s start the day before I met Nicholas. Before my life changed so much, I don't even know what life was like before.

"On Christmas night I let my anger get the better of me," I say. "It came out of nowhere. I hated it."

"What made you angry?"

"A few things. I felt like I failed Levi. I was ashamed that I enjoyed his mania the way I did. He's told me that it doesn't matter to him. That it's different with him but I can't stop feeling anxious about it. I was angry that he wouldn't let me comfort him. And then I saw the painting he'd done of Nicholas, and everything came rushing back."

"The anger is covering something. Is it fear?"

"Yes." Of course, it's fear. It"s always fear.

"What are you afraid of?"

"Repeating history. I don't want to repeat the past, but I don't know how to prevent it from happening."

"Why does repeating history feel so scary?"

"It hurt too much the first time. It still hurts."

"And it might hurt too much this time too?"

"Maybe more."

Sylvia nods. "Why?"

"This time I know what to be afraid of. With Nicholas, I didn't know how bad it could get. Now, I know what the worst-case scenario looks like."

"So, the fear is saying to stop before you get to the worst-case scenario a second time?"

"Yes. But I don't want to stop."

"If you don't stop – with Levi – what will happen?"

"I'd get to have him in my life. But it just feels like one setback after another. Too many stops and starts."

"Right. And having him in your life would make you happy to some extent?"

"To a great extent, yes."

"But that comes with a great deal of unsafety."

"Yes."

"You won't let yourself risk happiness a second time. Because happiness always ends in tragedy."

"I don't know how to stop it from happening a second time," I say.

"Could you go on with your life without Levi?" Sylvia says.

I sigh, swallowing thickly around the lump in my throat. "Yes. I would have to."

"Because you're important too."

Another sigh. "Yes. As you've told me repeatedly."

"Hayden, somewhere in this battle between the past and the present – Nicholas and Levi – we have to consider the idea that maybe it's not about choosing to remain with the memories of Nicholas or moving forward with Levi. Maybe the answer is to choose you. Can you consider the idea that your anchor is not tied to your past, nor tied to whether or not you have Levi in your life, but rather, to your sense of self? Knowing who you are apart from, and despite, those aspects of your life."

I think I'm not interested in this philosophical, self-love bullshit. I came here for clinical solutions.

Should I pursue a relationship with Levi or not? Will I fuck it up and let him die when he tries to end his life one day? Will he fuck it up when he's too manic one day and does something he can't take back?

Do I even have the right to judge him and preempt his actions like this? Not every single bipolar person will attempt suicide.

"What I'm trying to say, Hayden, is that your sense of wholeness must come from within. When you know that you are complete and whole and nothing from the outside world can take that away from you, you realize that you can take risks, even if all the odds are stacked up against you."

"But I have to love myself first?" This is ridiculous.

"The fear will never really go away. It will always be there to some degree. But you can make the devastation bearable if you know that your wholeness is rooted in your own sense of worth."

"I still can't figure out how to translate that into something actionable."

Sylvia smiles and I feel bad for shutting down her self-love speech. "Would you consider the possibility that the past may be useful in informing the future, as opposed to directing it? That everything you have experienced – all the good and the bad – may empower you now in the present, rather than hold you back?"

"I hadn't thought about it that way before."

"Alright. How do you feel about sharing parts of your life with Nicholas with Levi?"

"It seems inappropriate."

"Don't gatekeep love like that. Our capacity, as humans, to love and empathize is fascinating, Hayden. Nicholas was – still is – a very big part of your life. It's very natural for him to feel present when you're with Levi. Your time with Nicholas and since his death has changed you in some fundamental ways. We shouldn't assume that Levi won't be able to handle that."

I contemplate the recommendation. I haven't talked to anyone about Nicholas since his death other than Sylvia.

"Letting Levi into that part of your life may help you integrate the past and present. Just like how your past may help you deal with the future better, it may help Levi too. You understand him because of your experience with Nicholas. If you let Levi in, it may help him understand your grief and your fears. But you must come to a place where you know, no matter what you decide, that you are always whole, and it is that wholeness which will anchor you even in your worst moments."

Wholeness.

The thought is unfathomable. I don't think I'm whole. Not after Nicholas. And if I am not whole after Nicholas, what would be left of me if Levi and I end in tragedy too?

"Hayden?"

I lift my eyes to Sylvia.

"Hayden, self-love is the toughest love to give and receive, but it can be done. Everything starts from within. Love makes us vulnerable, but we are more inclined to take those risks when we know that, somehow, we would survive if it ended in tragedy. And the same is true for Levi – living with Bipolar can be less frightening when the person consistently practices self-love. Knowing you are worthy and that you deserve love and that you can have happiness and success in life can make life a little more bearable when things get too much."

I hate so much of this conversation. This is not what I came here for. What I need is a solution. Not a philosophical reflection and rhetorical questions that do nothing more than take me around in circles.

"No one can tell you to stay with Levi or leave him. Only you can decide that."

I stare out of the window behind Sylvia for several long moments. Unwillingly, her words sink into my bones.

I know that I'm not whole. I'm not complete. I'm going through my life in pieces.

Do I have enough of an anchor within myself to help me survive if Levi and I end in tragedy? I don't know. I just don't know.