Chapter 34

Hannah spent days mourning her relationship with William. It was her decision, but only because she was backed into a corner. Still, she had hoped William would fight for their love, showing her that he was willing to go against all odds to win her back. Evidently, that had been a foolish wish. She sighed, feeling ridiculous that she had expected a man to run after her. Hannah had likely damaged his pride, especially after she refused to see him on Christmas Eve.

“That is the fifth time you’ve sighed since we left home,” Miss Barnes remarked. “Something must be wrong.”

“It’s merely fatigue,” Hannah lied. “But a bit of shopping will help me regain my strength. I have always loved shopping.”

She had overheard the nursemaid inform her niece that she wanted to do a bit of shopping for the end of the festive season, so Hannah had asked to come along. She needed to get out of the house, or she might make herself crazy. She had gone through several stages of grief, and now she had simply accepted that this was her life. She would remain a spinster, so she might as well make the most of it.

“I also enjoy shopping,” Miss Barnes revealed. Everyone thinks I’m so selfless and make many sacrifices, but one need only look at my clothing, jewellery, and well-rounded body to see that isn’t true.”

Hannah laughed. “Shopping doesn’t make you selfish, but it does show me that you’re human,” she said. “I was worried you were simply too good to be true.”

She was merely joking, but there was also some truth to her words. Hannah loved how Miss Barnes had brought so much joy to the household. Seeing how happy everyone was had helped her overcome her grief. While she hadn’t fully healed yet, she knew without a doubt that she would have been far worse if the nursemaid had not been in their lives.

“I assure you I am very real,” Miss Barnes replied, chuckling. “I’ll prove it by eating my weight in roasted chestnuts. We should get some on our way home.”

Hannah nodded, staring out the window. They had just entered Dorchester, having left for the town after breakfast. She immensely enjoyed the younger woman’s company and was glad she had asked to come along.

“May I be frank with you, My Lady?” Miss Barnes asked after a moment or two.

“Why, of course,” she replied. “You can always speak your mind with me, Miss Barnes.”

“This has been on my mind for some time, and I can no longer hold it in,” the young woman revealed. “Mr Cruikshanks no longer comes by to see you, and you do not see him. He seemed to adore you, so this change has been confusing.”

Hannah stilled. This was the last thing she expected Miss Barnes to talk about. Hannah had yet to inform her family about the ended courtship, but she didn’t have the heart to tell them she had failed yet again. She had been unable to find someone to spend the rest of her life with.

“I do not wish to talk about it,” she said, looking away.

“I understand that it must be a hard subject for you,” the young woman began. “However, I am worried about you. Also, I overheard the conversation between you and Lady Ruth on Christmas Day. I know you ended your courtship because she threatened you.”

Hannah gasped, shocked that Miss Barnes had discovered her shame. “I ... I do not know what to say,” she said, balling her dress in her hands.

“Do not let others manipulate your happiness, My Lady,” Miss Barnes begged, taking Hannah’s hands. “If you wish to be with him, you should. What did Lady Ruth say to make you take this path? I didn’t hear everything, but I know she said something to make you believe this was your only choice.”

Hannah shook her head, pulling away from the young woman. “I do not wish to talk about it,” she said. “All I’m willing to say is that I will not entertain having my heart broken by another man again. I will not be humiliated merely because I gave my heart to someone again.”

A pained expression crossed Miss Barnes’ pretty face as she again took Hannah’s hands.

“I am so sorry, My Lady,” she said, her eyes filled with compassion. “I am so sorry that someone hurt you. I understand your fears. The sensation of having our hearts torn by another is excruciating, but I wish you to be happy. If you believe in your heart that this is the right path, then stand on it and be happy. Do not let the path dictate your future. We are meant to learn from our past, not dwell in it.”

Hannah nodded, her eyes burning with unshed tears. She wasn’t confident that she had made the right decision, but she knew she had to live with her choice.

“I’m fine, Miss Barnes,” she lied. “At least, I will be,” she added. “I’d much rather discuss what you intend to buy today than anything to do with matters of the heart. You mentioned you wanted to purchase items for a celebration. Are we to have another dinner party?”

Miss Barnes nodded, concern still darkening her light brown eyes. “The festive season is ending soon, and the New Year is upon us. My grandmother and mother have a little ritual where we write down all our regrets, pain, hopes, and dreams.

We burn the paper with our regrets and pains and use a coin to signify our hopes for the future. The person who finds the coin first is guaranteed to get their wish, while the rest might need to put in a little more work. I already slipped a coin into our Christmas pudding when no one was watching.”

Hannah raised her eyebrows. “That is an interesting tradition,” she said. “I rather like the idea of burning away our regrets and pain. When do we do this?”

“On New Year’s Eve,” the young woman replied.

Hannah smiled. “I look forward to it.”

They soon arrived at their desired street and started at the butchery. Their footman followed them, holding the slightly heavier purchases. They were nearly done with their shopping when Hannah caught a familiar face. She looked again, startled, when she realized it was William. He wasn’t alone. A pretty young woman stood close beside him, her hand resting on his forearm.

Hannah clutched her chest as she fought to breathe, unprepared for the sharp pain coursing through her. She could hardly breathe! William had evidently moved on already. A month had yet to pass, but he already had someone hanging on his arm. It was more than her heart could bear. She turned away, hoping he wouldn’t see her.

“Are you done yet?” she asked Miss Barnes.

“Almost,” the young woman replied. She peered closely at Hannah’s face. “Is something wrong? What happened?”

“Nothing,” said Hannah. “I was merely asking. I do not wish us to arrive home too late. It is winter, and it tends to get dark quickly.”

“You make a good point,” said Miss Barnes. “I’ll—”

“Lady Hannah!”

Hannah’s heart ceased to beat for a long second. William had somehow seen her. “We should go, Miss Barnes,” she managed to say.

“But, Mr Cruikshanks—”

“Please,” Hannah begged, grabbing her hand and walking as fast as her two feet could take her.

Miss Barnes said nothing more, but Hannah noticed how she looked behind their shoulder. She had undoubtedly realized that William was there.

“Lady Hannah!” William cried, this time much closer.

He must be running. Hannah spied their carriage just ahead, but William appeared before her and forced her to stop before they could get anywhere near it.

“Just a moment,” he said, slightly out of breath.

“Good day, Mr Cruikshanks,” she greeted stiffly. “We were just on our way.”

“How are you?” he asked. “And you, Miss Barnes? I hope all is going well.”

“Yes, thank you, Mr Cruikshanks,” Miss Barnes replied.

Hannah didn’t want to stand around and listen to William’s excuses or about how he had moved on.

“Please excuse us, Mr Cruikshanks,” she said. “We have errands to complete.”

“Just a moment, Lady Hannah,” he said, his eyes searching hers. “It’s imperative I speak to you.”

“That will no—” she began, only to be interrupted by the same woman she had seen hanging on his arm.

“William!” the woman cried. “Why did you dash away so suddenly?”

Hannah looked between William and the woman, hating how hurt and jealous she felt. “Please, excuse us,” she said, taking Miss Barnes’ hand. “We should go.”

The young woman gave her a knowing look, but Hannah ignored her. If she spoke about the matter now, she might break down and cry.