Chapter Six

GIDEON WATCHED the rise and fall of Noah’s chest under his hand as he slept. His own heart was heavy; he was already grieving the loss he knew was coming. Nothing was ever permanent in his life, and Noah wouldn’t be any different. At the same time as he braced himself for when his time with Noah would end, he pulled him closer. He brushed his fingers over the soft skin on his shoulder. Now that he had discovered the freckles there, he wanted to kiss each one. Gideon kissed the top of Noah’s head where it rested against him. He wanted Noah again. They’d had sex twice, and Gideon still wanted more. He’d let Noah rest, but he planned on keeping him in bed all the next day, and the day after that . Noah was his Hanukkah present, and Gideon planned on unwrapping him every night.

IT WAS the last day of Hanukkah, and Noah declared Gideon’s knee okay for a walk in the snow.

“I’m afraid I have nothing else I can give you for the last night of Hanukkah,” Noah said when he’d suggested the walk.

Gideon took Noah’s gloved hand in his as they stood on the front porch, a dazzling white winter wonderland in front of them. “It’s a perfect present.”

The snow crunched under their feet as they made their way through the woods toward a spot where they could view the valley below.

“Oh hey, there’s your neighbor,” Noah said, waving at the man on horseback.

“I don’t have any neighbors.”

Noah peered down at the man in the valley. “I assumed when I met him he was your neighbor.”

Gideon frowned, a sense of unease settling in his gut. “Noah, I own sixty-five acres. This is all a protected forest. No one else can build on it unless I give them permission.”

Noah looked at him, bewildered. “He said he was coming to check on you.”

“When did this happen?”

“The first day when I went skiing. I was collecting pinecones for your menorah, and he just… appeared. He was kind of odd. I didn’t think about it at the time, but his clothes and the way he talked were strange. He reminded me of a cowboy or an old miner from the gold rush days. Like a character you’d see in a movie.”

“I overheard people in the café talking about it when I first came up here. I guess there’s an old legend. There are ghosts in the woods.” The man on horseback turned, watching them. Noah waved again. The man didn’t wave back. He continued to stare at them, slowly shaking his head before he turned his horse toward the tree line. When they reached the edge of the forest, the horse and rider both disappeared.

“That was weird,” Noah said in a hushed voice. “That’s the same thing that happened last time.”

“I think you met a Blink ghost,” Gideon whispered.

Noah wrinkled his nose. “A Blink ghost?”

“Something I overheard when I stopped at the Wishful Café in town. A couple of the old-timers were talking about the Blink ghosts. They even talked about an old cowboy. They described him exactly like him.” Gideon pointed to where the man and horse had disappeared.

Noah looked at him wide-eyed. “I’m starting to believe ghosts are real.”

Gideon shook his head slowly. “I don’t know.”

“I have many questions, but what I do know is that we’re real, and that’s why I can do this,” he whispered, gently kissing Gideon’s face. Gideon bent toward him, reaching under his unzipped coat to wrap his arms around Noah’s waist and pull their bodies flush. Noah tasted sweet. Gideon angled his head to make the kiss deeper, craving more of the flavor that was uniquely Noah’s. It wasn’t the cold that made Gideon shiver; it was the way Noah let him take over, trusting him to lead the way. Every time his mouth was on Noah, the snow around his heart melted a little more. He’d come back down to earth eventually, and he would face the choice of either walking on solid ground or walking away. He’d never felt so off-kilter. This was a mistake. Noah would leave, but he couldn’t stop himself from taking what he needed now.

Noah’s eyes reflected the sky, or maybe the sky had taken its inspiration from Noah’s eyes. Both were bright blue and shining bright when their kiss ended.

“Let’s go home,” Gideon said.

When they returned, there was a forestry service truck parked outside. Gideon’s stomach sank. He hadn’t realized until that moment that he’d been dreading the moment when they’d get notice the roads were cleared.

“Howdy, folks.” The ranger lifted his fingers to the brim of his hat in salute. “Happy to let you know the roads are open again. I’m sure you’re sick and tired of being cooped up and ready to get out of here.”

Gideon froze. He stared at the end of his fantasy wordlessly.

Noah looked at him nervously when he didn’t respond. “Um, yeah, sure. Thanks for all your hard work.”

The ranger nodded, and with another tap of his hat, he got in his truck, his tires making a path away from the cabin.

Coldness swept through him. This was it. Noah could leave, and, of course, he would. Everyone did.

“Gideon?” Noah tugged on his hand. “Let’s go inside.”

He’d let Noah tame the Beast, but that part of Gideon was still there, and it was time to let him out.

“Pack your things. It’s time for you to go,” he said in a cold and emotionless voice.

Noah drew in a sharp breath. “Gideon? I-I can stay.”

“No, you can’t. The ranger is right. I’m tired of being cooped up.” He tilted his head toward the door. “Get your stuff. I don’t need you trying to reorganize my life so that you can fit in it. This—” He waved his hand between the two of them. “—was never going to be anything more than me being bored and needing something to keep me entertained. I figured it would be as easy to fuck with your head as it was to fuck your body. It was getting boring.”

Noah’s cheeks darkened. He opened his mouth and closed it again before he spoke. “Gideon, you don’t have to do this,” he said quietly.

Yes, he did. This was how Gideon survived. This was what he did to keep from being hurt. This was how he made sure he wouldn’t get hurt again.

“Get your things and go,” he repeated between clenched teeth.

Noah hesitated for a moment before his head dropped, but not before Gideon saw the slight wobble of his chin. He brushed past Gideon, entered the cabin, and swiftly returned with his backpack and knitting basket. He walked toward his car with a stern expression and stormy blue eyes.

Gideon turned away, going to the woodshed. They—no, he didn’t need any more firewood, but he couldn’t stand there while Noah left. He picked up the ax and started chopping kindling, watching Noah out of the corner of his eye. It didn’t take long for Noah to put his things in the car, clear the snow, and strap his skis onto the roof rack. When Noah finished, he stared at Gideon, his hands on his hips. Gideon kept his head down, focusing on splintering the firewood instead of the way his heart splintered. He could stop Noah. Ask him to stay. But if Noah didn’t leave now, he’d leave eventually.

With a shake of his head, Noah got in his car and started the engine. Left alone, silence settled around Gideon, leaving him empty and cold. It was a feeling he was familiar with. This time instead of feeling like he was protecting his heart, Gideon knew he’d broken it.

The right thing to do would be to leave the cabin and head back to Seattle. He should find Noah and tell him he didn’t mean the things he’d said, that he hadn’t wanted to send him away, but he was too scared to let him stay. Instead he listened to the voice in his head that belonged to the Beast, the one that convinced him he was better off alone.

The menorah Noah made Gideon sat on the kitchen counter, unlit. Darkness suited his mood better, and without candles to light the darkness, he couldn’t see the sadness in his eyes when he saw his reflection in the window.

NOAH MANAGED to hold it together and make it down from Gideon’s cabin into the town of Blink before he pulled over and let his tears fall. With a sob he dropped his forehead to the steering wheel and cried. He knew what Gideon was doing. He was afraid to love. Part of Noah wanted to argue and beg, but then he realized this was always going to happen. Sooner or later, Gideon would find a reason to send him away. If he didn’t, Noah would become too much for him anyway. Who wanted to be around a guy with anxiety who reorganized spice drawers and carried knitting with him everywhere? No one. He should have learned that lesson by now.

It’s too hard to be with you, Noah.

He closed his eyes and bit the inside of his cheek, remembering his ex-boyfriend’s last words. Noah shivered. He cleared his throat and then cleared it again. He let out another choked sob, realizing his tic had resurfaced. It was too cold to sit in his car and knit to calm himself. He needed to do something to help clear his mind and redirect his thoughts. He wiped his hands over his face and took a few deep breaths. Looking around, he counted three things he could see and three he could hear, trying to ground himself. Counting the things he could see, Noah realized he’d parked in front of the Wishful Café. He took a deep breath, got out of the car, and went into the café.

The smells of coffee, tea, and baked goods washed over him when Noah walked in the door. A woman with shoulder-length gray hair stood behind the counter, handing a plate to an older woman with silver hair that had a slight lavender hue to it. They both paused mid handoff to give Noah a curious but welcoming smile.

He searched his brain, trying to remember the name of the woman behind the counter he’d met on his last visit to Blink.

“Hey there, what can I get you?” she said after she’d handed the sandwich to the other woman. “Do you want to take a seat?” She tipped her head toward one of the small square tables covered in a red gingham tablecloth. “Or are you getting to-go?”

“Um, I’m not sure.”

The woman narrowed her eyes, watching him for a moment before she called out. “Ed, got a customer here who needs a chamomile-lavender tea.”

The other woman patted the empty stool next to her at the counter. “Come sit here by me. I could use some company.”

When Noah sat down, a large Black man with close-cropped salt-and-pepper hair on his head and face came out from the back, wiping his hands on a towel. The gray-haired woman went over and whispered something to him. He eyed Noah and nodded, and she walked over and patted Noah on the hand.

“Don’t you worry, honey, Ed will get you fixed right up.”

“And you’re… Eddie, is that right?” Noah said.

Eddie’s blue eyes lit up. “Good memory. I thought I’d seen you come through before.”

“What brings you to our neck of the woods? You going to do some skiing?” the woman sitting next to him asked.

“I planned to, but I stopped to see a client. I’m a physical therapist. I was supposed to check in on him and got stuck.”

“Ah, you must have been up with the Beast. Tell me, does he live up to his reputation?”

“Millie, that’s not nice, and it’s none of your business,” Eddie chastised the older woman. She turned back to Noah. “That’s Millie, I’m Eddie, and this is my other half, Ed,” she said, pointing to the man working at the barista counter.

Ed turned and waved and then pointed at Eddie. “She’s the better half.”

Eddie made a pfft sound and rolled her eyes in response.

“I’m Noah, Noah Stern,” he replied with a little wave.

“So tell us, Noah Stern, how ghastly is the Beast? Don’t tell me you weren’t curious.” Millie shot Eddie a stern look before turning back to Noah, “Based on those red eyes you’ve got, I’m guessing he’s a giant pain in the ass.”

Noah bit the inside of his cheek, fighting off the urge to cry again.

“Oh no.” Millie gathered Noah in her arms. “I didn’t mean anything. You can ask anyone around here. I don’t have a filter.” She patted him on the back, rocking him from side to side.

Noah sniffed once, twice, and lost the battle to another round of tears. Suddenly Eddie came from behind the counter and joined in the hug, engulfing Noah in two sets of arms.

“Give this a try,” Ed said, setting a steaming mug in front of Noah. “Lavender-chamomile tea with honey and lemon. It’s my own special blend.”

“It’s very soothing,” Eddie added, patting Noah on the back.

Millie and Eddie let go and gently pushed the mug of tea into his hands. Eddie was right. After a few sips of the sweet herbal-and-floral mixture, he felt a little better. Noah realized he hadn’t eaten that morning, planning on making pancakes after his walk with Gideon. He closed his eyes tightly, trying to push away the image of Gideon kissing him passionately against the kitchen counter the previous morning. There wouldn’t be any more breakfasts with Gideon.

Noah’s voice was hoarse from crying. “Can I have a cookie or a scone, please? I missed breakfast.”

“We’ll get you fixed up,” Ed said, throwing a dish towel over his shoulder as he headed toward the small prep kitchen behind the counter.

Noah took a few more sips of tea, aware that Millie and Eddie were keeping a close eye on him. It didn’t rankle him the way it normally would have. They weren’t hovering, expecting him to have a meltdown. They were concerned because he was… sad.

“What do you want to do, honey, go back to him?” Millie asked.

Yes. He desperately wanted to drive back up the mountain, scream and yell and force Gideon to realize what he was doing. But Noah knew from his own experience that you can’t be the GPS for someone else’s mental health journey. Each person needs to find their own way through the twists and turns on their road to discovering themselves.

“I don’t know.”

“Of course you don’t know. You can’t make an important decision like that on an empty stomach,” Ed said, setting a bowl of soup in front of him. “My minestrone will help get your thoughts right.”

“And this.” Eddie set a sandwich next to the soup and smiled at Noah. “I wondered if underneath that gruff exterior there was a teddy bear inside. It seems you got to meet the real man instead of the Beast.”

“I’m so pathetic.” Noah said quietly, staring at the empty soup bowl. Eddie had insisted he eat it, along with a turkey sandwich on cranberry walnut bread, and he’d finished both in record time.

“Why is that, honey?” Millie asked, her chin propped on her hand.

“I’m pathetic because, even though Gideon is an ass, I’m”—his voice warbled—“sad that I didn’t get a goodbye kiss. One last kiss.”

Ed looped his arm around Eddie’s neck and pressed a kiss to her temple. “There’s nothing pathetic about that. Sounds like your visit didn’t go the way you thought it would and ended the same way. It’s unsettling, like those arty movies where people are talking and nothing really happens and then the movie just… ends. You’re left wondering what was supposed to happen.”

Noah nodded. That’s exactly how he felt. What had happened between Gideon and him? What would have happened if Noah stayed? There wouldn’t be a sequel to their movie.

He should get back on the road. He needed to get home. With Christmas Eve around the corner, Noah was determined not to let Holly down. Their time working together at Christmas was special to him. But Noah sat rooted in his seat. Why was it so hard to leave? Noah looked around the cozy café with its worn barnwood walls. He got up and wandered over to a display of homemade honey, jams, and jellies in a vintage pie safe. A rustic bookshelf sat on one side of the pie safe, and a cool antique Hoosier cabinet with a marble top separating the upper and lower cabinets sat on the other side. The three storage pieces held enough sundries so locals didn’t have to make the longer drive if they needed flour or sugar.

“That makes much more sense, putting the baking powder, baking soda, and vanilla together with the flower and sugar. Everything you need to bake a cake is all right there,” Eddie observed.

Noah startled, looking down at the box of cornmeal in his hand. His gaze flew to the shelf he’d reorganized without even realizing it.

“Oh no.” He bit down on his lip, feeling his cheeks heat. “Eddie, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to ruin your display.”

“I think you made a big improvement.” Millie appeared at his side with her hands on her hips, studying the rearranged shelves.

“I agree,” Eddie said.

“I-I rearrange things when I get stressed out.”

Ed chuckled from behind the counter. “That’s a nice gift to have. Want to tackle the storage room next?”

“Ed.” Eddie put a protective arm around Noah. “Noah’s a customer. He’s our guest.”

The thing was, Noah wouldn’t mind tackling the storage room. It would give him time to process the jumble of thoughts currently running through his head with reckless abandon.

“I don’t mind,” he said.

Ed’s smile grew wider. “Come on back and show me how to get a handle on this chaos.”

Getting a handle on the chaos. That’s what Noah needed to do.

A couple of hours later, Noah left the café with a box full of baked goods, jams and jellies from the pantry, and the recipe for the cranberry walnut bread. Ed, Eddie, and Millie gave him one more round of hugs, and Millie made him promise to come back and visit her lavender farm. Noah didn’t have the heart to tell her he wouldn’t be coming back to Blink or anywhere near Gideon’s cabin. It would hurt too much.

NOAH’S ENTIRE body ached by the time he walked into his apartment in Seattle. He was glad he’d stayed and spent extra time at the café, though. Reorganizing the pantry worked as cognitive therapy, helping settle his mind to where his thoughts weren’t so jumbled. Unfortunately it didn’t do anything to help his heart, which was an even more jumbled mess. Noah put away the food Ed and Eddie sent home with him and then crawled into bed, too tired to do anything else.

Tears slid from his eyes onto the pillow. It only took a few nights of sleeping with Gideon wrapped around him, trapping Noah’s legs between his, and now his own bed was too cold and empty. Curling into the fetal position, Noah pulled the covers over his head. Was there any chance that Gideon was alone in his bed missing him too? Was there some small part of him willing to admit that each night they sang the Hanukkah blessings together, Gideon sang a little louder? Noah turned and buried his face in his pillow, letting his sobs wrack his body, realizing he’d given Gideon a present for each day of Hanukkah. Now on the last night, he was alone, not having received anything in return.

“He never said thank you,” Noah whispered.