Chapter Five

IT DIDN’T take long to do the dishes and put the leftover soup away. When he finished, Gideon took up his spot in his favorite chair and picked up his book. He frowned at the words. Once again, he found himself reading the same paragraph over and over again. Instead of focusing on his book, he’d been watching Noah sleep. It had been a long time since anyone pushed his buttons the way the physical therapist with ginger hair and a dimple when he smiled did.

Noah didn’t cower at the Beast, and it both irritated him and had awoken a different beast within him. His self-imposed celibacy hadn’t been a problem until Noah walked through the door. This morning he’d woken up rock hard after dreaming about Noah’s soft skin under his lips and his tongue exploring every inch of skin. He’d quietly jerked off in bed before he came downstairs and again in the shower after his PT session. Noah might have believed his groans were due to the strain of his knee being treated, but it was also the way he held on to Gideon’s ankle and the strength with which his fingers pressed into his thigh.

Gideon shifted in his chair and froze when Noah stirred and then sat up, rubbing his eyes. He gave Gideon a sheepish smile. “Sorry, I kind of passed out.”

“I don’t care. I don’t need you to keep me entertained.” Gideon winced as soon as the words came out of his mouth. Why couldn’t he say anything nice? “I meant I’ve been reading, so it’s fine.”

“Sure,” Noah said with a slight smile that made Gideon feel even more like an ass.

Noah got up and went to the bathroom. When he came back, he pulled out his phone. “I’m going to call my folks. Have you called yours yet?”

Gideon scrunched up his nose. “Why would I call them?”

“To wish them a Happy Hanukkah,” he said in a questioning tone.

“Oh. We’re not really that kind of family. My parents are probably busy doing… something.”

If he called, they’d be busy. Busy reminding him that being a professional athlete wasn’t a long-term stable career and asking him what his plans for the future were.

Noah gave him a sympathetic smile that, from anyone else, would have irritated the hell out of him. “I can step outside if it’s going to bother you,” he said, waggling his phone in the air.

“It’s fine.”

Noah nodded and made his call. Gideon observed how Noah’s body language changed during the call. His shoulders hunched, and he paced the length of the kitchen with one arm wrapped around his waist. He was putting on a great act, but Gideon could hear the tension and see it radiating from him. He also lied. Noah told his parents he was still at the hospital, using it as an excuse to keep his call with them short.

“They worry about me enough already,” he explained when the call ended.

Noah kept his back turned, busying himself in the kitchen. He straightened the already tidy countertops before rummaging through the refrigerator. “We’ve got potatoes. We could bake them and have them with the leftover chili.”

Gideon came over and leaned against the counter. “I told you, you don’t have to cook.”

Noah popped his head out of the refrigerator. “I know I don’t have to, but I kind of need to right now,” he said with a slight tremor in his voice.

He would only be in the way in the small kitchen, so Gideon backed away. “I’ll leave you to it, then.”

He went back to his book. There wasn’t anything else to do. He didn’t have a television at the cabin. If he wanted to watch something, he used his tablet. It seemed rude to put his headphone in and watch something, and there wasn’t anything he was really interested in watching. Feeling guilty, Gideon sent his parents a text wishing them a Happy Hanukkah. If Noah could call his parents, the least he could do was send his a text. While he typed, Noah brought over two foil-wrapped potatoes and set them on the top of the wood stove.

“Do you want a beer?” he asked.

“Sure.”

Noah went to the kitchen and returned with a bottle of winter ale he’d brought up the mountain with him. He hovered for a minute, looking around with a frown. “Do you have a coaster?”

“Nope. Sorry, never been a coaster guy.”

Noah’s disapproving scowl when he handed Gideon his beer was pretty cute. Noah set his beer on the floor next to the sofa and pulled out his knitting with a frustrated huff. The now-familiar clacking sound began. Gideon watched him while he pretended to read. After a while, his curiosity couldn’t be contained.

“What are you making?”

“A mitten,” Noah said, holding up a swatch of red.

“Sorry it’s so boring here.”

Noah set his knitting down. “I’m not bored. It’s peaceful. I like it.”

Do you like me?

“That’s a different yarn than you were using yesterday,” Gideon observed.

“I finished what I was knitting yesterday. This is a new project.”

“Who’s it for?”

“It’s for some of the kids at the hospital. Nick’s wife, Holly, was a foster kid, and she makes sure the foster kids at the hospital have gifts at Christmas. When we started working together and I learned her story, I started knitting things for the kids too. Nothing big. Hats and mittens mainly.”

“I never thought about foster kids being in hospitals.”

“Leukemia, heart disease, illness doesn’t care if you’re a foster kid,” Noah said quietly.

“I guess not.”

Gideon thought about all the times he’d turned down Nick and Hugh’s offers to join them on their hospital visits. A wave of self-loathing washed over him as Noah’s knitting needles started clacking again.

“Who taught you how to knit?” he asked.

“A counselor at camp. Jackie saw me trying to teach myself how to finger knit and offered to teach me. It turned out she also had OCD and used knitting to help redirect her thoughts.”

“Finger knit?”

Noah held up his hand and waggled his fingers. “You don’t need knitting needles. You can use your fingers to knit. It’s kind of like weaving the yarn through your fingers.”

Gideon nodded. Why did the thought of yarn on Noah’s fingers make him have inappropriate thoughts about doing other things with Noah and some yarn?

Noah put his knitting aside and got up to turn the potatoes. “I think they’ll be ready in about an hour.”

“Sounds good.”

Noah took up his knitting again while Gideon pretended to read. Half an hour later, Noah put his knitting away and warmed up the chili, chopping onion and grating some cheddar cheese for toppings while it heated.

With all the food prepped, Noah rummaged in a cupboard and then turned around and set something covered in a dish towel on the counter.

“Gideon,” he said with a shy smile. “I… well, I thought I’d be alone for Hanukkah, and I saw you didn’t have a menorah. I found a couple of packages of votive candles and some glue in your junk drawer. Anyway, Happy Hanukkah.” He gestured toward the dish towel.

Gideon put his book aside and got up, eyeing the lumpy object under the towel. A present. Noah was actually giving him a present. Noah moved back to make room for Gideon to stand in front of his gift.

“I didn’t have anything to wrap it in. It’s kind of hard to wrap, anyway. I—”

Gideon held his hand up. “Noah, it’s fine.” He lifted the dish towel, his eyes widening when he took in his gift.

“I didn’t see one anywhere, so even if you throw it away when Hanukkah’s over, I thought it would make do for now.”

Along a flat piece of firewood, Noah had arranged nine pinecones in a line. He had cut the tops off, creating a flat base where a votive could rest. Four pine cones on each side of two pine cones Noah stacked to make a taller base for the shamash , the helper candle used to light the other candles. He’d tucked in a few small evergreen branches around the pinecones for decoration.

Gideon’s hand trembled slightly as he reached out to brush his fingers over the rough surface of one of the pinecones.

“If you don’t like it….”

Gideon turned to Noah, resisting the urge to pull him into his arms and thank him with a kiss. This man, smiling at him with a hopeful look in his sky-blue eyes, was tempting Gideon to let him in, to… do what? Be friends? No, that wasn’t going to happen. People didn’t stay; Gideon didn’t stay. He could get traded tomorrow, and Noah would learn that Gideon was too clingy, too needy.

Gideon shoved his hands in his pockets. “You’re very creative.”

“Do you want to light it before dinner or after?”

“We can light it now.”

Noah’s smile widened. He reached for a box of matches Gideon hadn’t noticed on the counter. He held the box out to him, but Gideon shook his head. “You can light it.”

“Okay, but you have to sing the blessings with me.”

Before Gideon could object, Noah struck the match. But he didn’t light the shamash. He glanced around the room and flicked his wrist, extinguishing the match. “Hold on a minute.” Noah dashed around, turning off the lights until only the glow from the woodstove remained. “That’s better.” He lit another match and put it against the wick of the votive. Noah blew out the match, and for a second there was only a dim glow of an ember before, with a brief hiss, the candle flame burst to life. “Ready?” he asked, picking up the votive.

No, he wasn’t ready, but Gideon nodded yes anyway.

“ Baruch atah —” they both started singing in two different tunes, Noah’s voice strong and sure, Gideon’s voice not so much.

“Oops, sorry.” Noah laughed. “I can do the Sephardic tune. Ready?”

“ Baruch atah, Adonai Eloheinu, Melech haolam, asher kid’shanu b’mitzvotav v’tsivanu l’hadlik ner shel Hanukkah .” As they sang the blessing, Noah tipped the shamash toward the single votive on the right. Gideon could already picture how beautiful Noah’s rustic creation would be when all eight candles were lit. Even now, with only a single votive and the shamash, the warm glow filled the space around them and invaded Gideon’s heart.

“Happy Hanukkah, Gideon.”

“Happy Hanukkah, Noah.”

“THAT’S NOT fair. You cheated.”

Noah grinned as he took the three cookies from Gideon’s plate. “I warned you.”

Gideon glared at him and spun the dreidel Noah made him the night before for his Hanukkah present. It was nothing more than cardboard from a pasta box, tape, and a small piece of twig for the handle, but Gideon acted like it was made of gold when Noah put it in his hands. Instead of using foil-covered chocolate coins, they played with the oatmeal cranberry cookies Noah made for dessert. Four candles were burning brightly in the menorah Noah gave him on the first night. On the second night, Noah presented him with a set of coasters. He made them by slicing a round branch into half-inch pieces, totaling four, and then tying them together with a piece of red yarn from the mittens he had completed. On the third night he made sugar cookies cut out in dreidel and Star of David shapes.

A small kernel of guilt had taken root somewhere near Gideon’s heart. He’d received three gifts and had done nothing in return. What could he possibly offer? Besides, it didn’t matter. This wasn’t going to last. Noah would leave once the roads were cleared, which could happen any day now. No one ever stayed.

“You have to say it or I’m not going to share my winnings or give you your present,” Noah said a little while later with a triumphant grin.

Gideon huffed, eyeing his empty plate of cookies and secretly eager to find out what his Hanukkah present would be. He climbed to his feet from where they’d been sitting on the floor. “Noah Stern is the greatest dreidel player of all time. Someday dreidel will become an officially sanctioned sport at the Olympics, and Noah Stern will win a gold medal.” Gideon raised an eyebrow. “Happy now?”

Noah stood up and eyed him with his head cocked for a second. “I suppose so. It was a little lacking in enthusiasm, though.”

Gideon growled.

Noah folded his arms. “The Beast doesn’t scare me.”

“It should.”

Noah shook his head with a smirk and walked away. He went to his bag and pulled out a small package wrapped in brown paper and tied with blue yarn. He held it out to Gideon. “Happy Hanukkah.”

Gideon took the package from Noah’s hand.

“I remembered I had a paper bag in my car I could use for wrapping paper,” Noah said while Gideon tugged at the blue yarn and the brown paper fell open.

The first thing he noticed were the colors. A mix of greens and blues swirled together. Gideon picked it up. The soft yarn felt silky against his fingers.

The invisible band around his chest tightened. He looked from the gift to Noah and back again with a mixture of wonderment and a feeling he couldn’t bring himself to identify.

“You made me a hat?”

“If I’d had more yarn, I could have made a scarf, but I only had enough for a hat.”

“You made me a hat,” Gideon whispered, running his thumb over the stitches.

He tried to school his expression, hiding that his heart was beating so hard he could barely breathe. He unfolded the hat and realized that Noah had worked the stitches in a way that incorporated his initials into the finished product. He’d personalized it for Gideon. No one had ever given him a gift that was made just for him before.

“If you don’t like it, it’s okay—”

Gideon cut Noah off, wrapping him in a tight hug. He buried his face in Noah’s neck with a shudder. He lifted his head; his lips trembled as he brushed them against Noah’s. “Thank you,” he whispered.

And then Noah kissed him back, soft and firm. One second Noah was kissing him, and then Gideon was kissing him back. Noah opened his mouth to let Gideon claim him with palpable hunger in his kiss that matched the building need within Gideon.

Gideon ended the kiss by dragging Noah’s lower lip between his teeth. “I’m supposed to say it was a mistake, but I won’t, because I’ve wanted this since you arrived,” he whispered huskily, pulling Noah closer and pressing against him.

Noah’s gaze searched his. He licked lips that were already pink and slightly swollen from their first contact. “We don’t have to stop, but… you should know I’m not… good at this.”

Gideon grasped his chin, which had fallen as he spoke, and lifted Noah’s face, forcing Noah to meet his gaze. “Tell me what you mean by that?”

Noah shuddered again when Gideon brushed his thumb over his lip with a slight tug.

“It’s my OCD. I-I think too hard. Wondering if I’m doing everything right. Is my hand in the right place? Too much pressure? Not enough? My last boyfriend told me I was too much work. That it wasn’t any fun being with someone who was so uptight.” His confession came in a rush, with a slight tremor in his voice.

“That guy was an asshole, him and any other man who ever said you were too much work. They weren’t enough to give you what you needed.” Gideon took a deep breath and leaned in, nuzzling Noah’s neck before he whispered in his ear, “Will you let me give you what you need?”

“What if I can’t get out of my own way?”

Gideon pulled back, his lips curling into a cocky smile as he gently tapped the side of Noah’s head. “By the time I’m done with you, there won’t be any thoughts up here. All you’ll be able to do is feel.”

Noah nodded as he choked out, “I’d like that.”

He said the words with longing and need in his eyes, leaving Gideon no doubt that he’d finally met someone who wouldn’t mind letting him take control. Gideon kissed him again, but as the kiss deepened, he could feel the moment Noah’s intrusive thoughts kicked in. He reached for the waistband of Gideon’s sweats and then stopped, reached for it again and stopped again. The third time, Gideon grabbed his wrist and pulled his arm behind his back. He nipped at Noah’s lip and then pulled away, guiding him with his arm behind his back toward the stairs.

“Go upstairs and strip,” he ordered, giving Noah a gentle push.

Noah hesitated for a moment before he began to climb the stairs. Gideon watched him until he reached the top and was out of sight. Quickly, he dug through Noah’s knitting bag and found what he wanted.

When he came upstairs, he found Noah perched on the edge of the bed, sitting on his hands.

“I’ve been tested and haven’t been with anyone in”—Gideon grimaced—“a while. I have condoms. It’s up to you,” he said without preamble. He didn’t believe in being shy about his sexual health.

“I’m on PrEP, and I got tested six months ago. I haven’t been with anyone since then.”

Gideon nodded and quickly stashed what he was holding behind his back out of Noah’s sight. “That’s the last thing you get to worry about tonight. From now on I’m making the decisions. Red, yellow, green, like a stoplight—you let me know if I’m doing something you don’t like. Lie down,” he ordered in a gruff voice, taking in Noah’s lean body. “On your back.”

When Noah continued to sit on the edge of the bed, hesitating, Gideon came forward and flattened his hand on Noah’s chest, pushed him back on the bed. He let his hand trail down Noah’s abdomen, his fingers caress the thatch of auburn hair surrounding the base of his cock. A beautiful cock that was already jutting out, full, with a drop of precum leaking from the tip. Gideon stroked the inside of Noah’s thigh, watching as he closed his eyes and sucked his breath in at the touch.

While Noah’s eyes were closed, Gideon retrieved what he’d hidden from Noah. When he let the strands dangle, brushing against the skin of Noah’s stomach, Noah’s eyes flew open.

“What are you doing?” he gasped when Gideon wrapped a piece of thick cream-colored yarn around Noah’s wrist.

Taking his other wrist, Gideon lifted both over Noah’s head and bound his wrists together. “I’m making it so you don’t have to think about what you’re doing.” Gideon slipped his finger under the yarn around Noah’s wrist. “Not too tight?”

Noah shook his head, his breath quaking in time with his heartbeat.

Gideon watched him with a knowing glint in his eyes. “It feels good, doesn’t it? Think about how soft the yarn is against your skin. Just like how soft my mouth is going to be around your cock.” Gideon straddled Noah’s legs and sat back on his haunches, ran his hands down Noah’s sides and over his thighs.

NOAH ARCHED his back and moaned. Instead of feeling helpless, Noah felt relieved not having to worry about what to do with his hands. He wiggled against the dark blue sheets he’d put on Gideon’s bed. The yarn was soft, the sheets were silky, and his cock was hard, the tip leaking, straining, wanting more.

“Look at you.” Gideon ran his hand down Noah’s chest to grasp his cock. He moved to nuzzle the nest of hair at the base before he grinned at Noah. “I think you like being tied up in my bed,” he said and then took him in his mouth.

“Yes,” Noah hissed as Gideon took him to the root. With his hands bound, there was nothing he could do but writhe under the weight of Gideon’s body. Gideon released his cock with a soft pop. Noah whimpered as Gideon climbed back up to his mouth and crushed their lips together, sweeping his tongue inside.

Noah moaned into his mouth when Gideon wrapped his hand around his cock and tugged. But then he abruptly let go, and Noah made a noise of protest.

“Don’t worry, baby, I’m nowhere near done with you yet.”

Noah’s eyes followed Gideon hungrily as he climbed off Noah and stripped. He sucked in his breath when he caught sight of Gideon’s full erection, the tip of his cut cock red and slick with precum. Gideon’s cock was thicker than Noah’s, and he pressed his ass against the sheets, anticipating the fullness he would feel with Gideon inside him. He drew his legs up and let his knees fall open, inviting Gideon to fill him.

Gideon returned to the bed, watching Noah with a heated gaze. Digging his fingers into Noah’s thigh, he settled between his legs again. Gideon’s beard scraped against Noah’s inner thigh. The roughness combined with the softness binding his hands overwhelmed him.

“More,” Noah panted. “I want more of you.”

Gideon took him in his mouth again while he cupped Noah’s balls, rubbing his thumb over the thin sensitive skin. Gideon released him and moved up to flick his tongue over Noah’s nipples, one, then the other. Time stopped while Gideon nipped and sucked every inch of his body. Noah was panting, his body slicked with sweat, his mind unable to make a coherent thought. All he could do was feel—Gideon’s soft mouth around his cock, his calloused fingers digging into Noah’s asscheeks, his beard scratching the sensitive skin on his inner thigh.

Noah was close to coming. The pressure of Gideon’s mouth on his cock brought his hips off the bed. His body was on fire. The pressure in his balls grew until he thought he couldn’t take any more. Suddenly Gideon’s mouth was gone. A low, sexy laugh was his response to Noah’s protest.

“Do you want more?”

Noah nodded, his hands twisting, straining against their bonds. “Yes, please.”

Gideon pressed a soft kiss on his lips before he reached under the bed and pulled out a strip of condoms and a bottle of lube. He opened the cap, and a second later his slickened finger grazed Noah’s hole. Slow circles became a slight pressure as he slid the tip of his finger in. The small circles became wider; one finger became two.

“You’re beautiful covered in sweat, your wrists bound, so desperate for me,” Gideon breathed.

And for the first time, Noah felt beautiful having sex with a man. He arched his back, bearing down on Gideon’s fingers, inviting him deeper, wanting more. He was relaxed, his mind wholly focused on this moment, on wanting Gideon to fill him with his cock.

“Yes or no?” Gideon asked.

Noah blinked at him in confusion, his brain struggling to process what the question was.

Gideon kissed the tip of Noah’s cock. “Do you want me to use a condom, Noah? Yes or no?”

He’d never gone bare with anyone before. Gideon’s eyes locked with his, and he knew this was the man he wanted totally and completely, with no barriers between them. “No.”

The word barely left his lips before Gideon pushed into him with a low groan.

The slight burn with the pressure was perfection.

“Open your eyes, baby, I want to see you when we come,” Gideon ordered.

Noah’s eyes snapped open. Gideon hovered over him, the muscles in his chest and arms tensed. Desire darkened his eyes, and his tight jaw made him appear every inch the Beast. But each touch was tender and each kiss a caress.

“Let go, Noah. Let go of yourself with me,” Gideon ordered as his cock pulsed with his release.

With a hoarse shout, Noah chased Gideon’s release with his own. Gideon collapsed on him, panting.

“Need to put my arms around you,” Noah gasped.

Gideon reached up and untied Noah’s wrists. The moment they were free, Noah wrapped his arms tightly around Gideon’s broad back.

Gideon lifted his head. “You okay?”

Noah traced the path of a bead of sweat down Gideon’s temple. “I’m good.”

The whimper of protest that escaped when Gideon pulled out of him earned him a heated kiss.

“I’ll be right back.”

Gideon returned a few moments later with a warm washcloth and gently began cleaning him up. In some ways, it was a more intimate act than what they’d shared. When he finished, Gideon tucked Noah under the sheets and climbed in next to him, then pulled him close to his side.

Noah sighed and snuggled closer. His body felt sated from sex, but his mind churned. He’d never had a sexual experience where he felt so… connected. It was exhilarating and frightening. How could he feel so safe with this grumpy man? Because underneath his prickly exterior was a warm, sensitive person, and even though Noah’s hands had been tied, he felt like he’d given as much as he’d received from Gideon.

Gideon picked up the hand lying on his chest, rubbed his thumb over the spot where he’d tied Noah’s wrists. “Was this okay? Did it help?”

Did it help? “Yeah, it was…. I-I liked it.”

“Good. Because I liked having you tied up in my bed.”

“Have, have you done that before?”

“No.” Gideon stopped rubbing Noah’s wrist and tilted his head to look at him. “It was kind of an impulse. I thought it would distract you.”

“You distracted me,” Noah said, pressing a kiss in the center of Gideon’s chest.

“Maybe being trapped in a cabin with a bossy physical therapist a little longer won’t be so bad.”

Noah playfully slapped Gideon’s chest. “Maybe it won’t be so terrible to keep being stuck in a cabin with a grumpy soccer player.”

Gideon rolled over, trapping Noah underneath him, and kissed him, his hands skimming down Noah’s sides. Being stuck with Gideon wasn’t bad at all. As Gideon’s hard length rubbed against his, Noah decided he wouldn’t mind if the snow continued to fall and the road stayed closed until spring.

THE WINTER sun streamed through the window, casting a warm beam of sunlight from the small window across the bathtub. Tendrils of steam rose from the water. Noah sighed, sinking deeper, his back sliding against Gideon’s chest. It seemed like for the last two days since they first made love, Noah spent most of his time naked in Gideon’s arms, waking up tangled in Gideon’s sheets, arms, and legs. It turned out Gideon was a cuddler, clinging to Noah even in his sleep, wrapping himself around Noah like a giant sloth.

When they weren’t sleeping, Gideon took every opportunity to touch Noah. That morning, he’d snuck up on Noah while he made breakfast, trapped him against the counter, pressed kisses against the back of his neck. Their PT sessions turned into wrestling matches that usually ended with Gideon trapping Noah under his body while his hands roved over him.

Gideon picked up the soap, rubbing lazy circles over Noah’s chest. “What did you mean the first day you came when you said you were the youngest and caused the most trouble? What kind of trouble?”

Noah’s stomach sank. Would the bubble burst if he shared about his childhood? If he was going to keep seeing Gideon when he came back to Seattle, he’d have to tell him eventually. They couldn’t stay in the cabin forever. The roads would be cleared, and Noah needed to return to work. That didn’t mean he and Gideon couldn’t continue… whatever this was. Dating? Boyfriends? It wasn’t like Noah to fall so hard or so fast for someone. He’d always been cautious with relationships, trying his best to guard his heart. Not that it made any difference. So far most of his relationships ended with Noah consoling himself with a trip to the yarn store and a king-size bag of peanut M&M’s. This felt different, but it also wasn’t happening in the real world.

Noah sat up and turned to face Gideon. “It’s a long story, and I’m pruning.” He held up his wrinkled fingers.

They got out, dried off, and put on sweatpants. Gideon added wood to the stove while Noah made tea for himself and hot cider for Gideon.

Gideon joined him on the couch. Noah hugged a pillow to his stomach as if it were a shield.

“I told you I had OCD, but that’s only part of… me. I had really bad anxiety when I was a teenager. It’s pretty common with people who have other disorders like OCD. Disorders like to travel in groups. Usually if you have one, you have two or three. For me it’s OCD, anxiety, and Tourette’s.”

“I thought if you had Tourette’s you—”

“Shouted obscenities? It’s a pretty common stereotype. Tourette’s is a spectrum. It took a long time to get my diagnosis because my tic looked like a shiver.” Noah chuckled. “My parents kept asking me if I was cold. It’s more noticeable when I’m having an anxiety attack. Some kids grow out of their tics. That was what happened to me. I’ll still get them, but it has to be a really extreme situation.” Gideon nodded, and Noah took a deep breath, clenching the pillow tighter. “The thing is, everything got worse when I was in middle school and the beginning of high school. You know, the years when everything is so calm and normal anyway,” he said with a note of sarcasm. “Trying to find the right combinations of medicines was difficult, and I-I had a few manic episodes that were really scary. We spent a lot of time at the Children’s Hospital in Portland and with different therapists. My issues weren’t only tough on me. My parents and my siblings suffered too. Vacations were cancelled, parties missed, my siblings’ friends couldn’t come over and hang out, all because of me.”

Gideon looked at him with a sad smile. “That’s why you don’t go home for Hanukkah, isn’t it?”

“I want my family to relax and be together without constantly hovering, worried that I’ll have an episode. I haven’t needed to be on any medication for years now, and I have developed solid coping skills, but they still watch me like I’m thirteen.”

“What’s that like? An episode?” Gideon asked with concern tinged with worry in his voice.

Noah grimaced. “When it was at its worst… it’s hard to describe. I couldn’t control my emotions. I’d be fine one minute and on the floor in the fetal position, crying, the next. Some medicines made me so groggy I couldn’t function, and I’d lose days sleeping. Everything felt overwhelming—light, noise, even having a conversation.” He pressed his hand against his chest and took a deep breath. “For so long I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath.”

“What happened? How did you get better?”

“Thanks for not asking about a cure.”

“People do that?”

“They do. Everyone wants there to be a magic pill you can take that will fix everything.” Noah shook his head sadly. “For me there wasn’t one. Some antianxiety meds helped for a while, others I had adverse reactions to. About four years ago, I stopped taking antianxiety meds. I worked with a therapist and leaned into the coping skills I’ve learned. Knitting and breathing exercises help me. I’m not opposed to taking medication if I need it, but right now I feel like I have a good handle on things.”

Gideon bent forward and wrapped his hand gently around Noah’s neck, pulling him into a deep kiss. “I think you have a really good handle on things.”

Noah looped his arms around Gideon’s neck, pressing his forehead to his when their kiss ended. “What about you? You didn’t seem interested in being with your parents for the holiday.”

Gideon’s light golden eyes that were filled with compassion one moment became shuttered the next.

“Later,” he said, nipping at Noah’s lower lip. He growled, the sound vibrating from Gideon’s chest into Noah’s as he pushed him down into the sofa cushions. Noah knew Gideon was trying to distract him, avoid the conversation. So far Noah was doing all the sharing, and Gideon was still keeping his secrets to himself. Noah steeled himself, determined to get Gideon to open up to him. But when Gideon’s hand slipped under the waistband of Noah’s sweatpants, a more urgent need swept away any thoughts of arguing. They would have time for Noah to learn what caused the pain he could see hidden in the depths of Gideon’s eyes when he let his guard down.