Chapter 21

CHAPTER 21

S imon could not sleep that night. Of course not. Not after what had just happened.

Luckily, he knew one other person in the world who would be awake at this hour. So, he took off on his horse, solo and found himself outside Anthony’s estate.

“Ah, Simon!” Anthony greeted him in the drawing room with a drink in his hands. “A bit late for you, but no worries, no worries. You are always welcome.”

That was the exact reaction that Simon had anticipated from his friend.

“Have you been at home all day? I did not see you at the ball.”

Anthony shrugged, and handed over his friend a drink as well. “I did not feel like showing up. Besides, I might have made plans with a certain lady friend…”

Simon made a disgusted face. “For tonight?”

Anthony flashed him a grin, “It is nothing to worry about. She is already upstairs, asleep in my chambers.”

Simon took a sip from his drink, ignoring what Anthony had just told him. He was not here to listen to his best friend brag about his conquests — but rather, he was here because he desperately needed someone to listen.

“You’re looking rather serious, old friend,” Anthony finally took note.

Simon leaned forward in his chair, elbows on his knees and his hands clasped tightly together.

“I need to talk to you, Anthony.”

Anthony raised an eyebrow, his playful expression shifting slightly as he noticed the worry etched on Simon’s face. “Talk away, then. I’m all ears. But I must say, it’s not often I see you looking like this.”

Simon took a deep breath, struggling to find the right words. “I…… kissed Harriet.”

He ended up blurting it out.

Anthony blinked, then broke into a grin. “Well, well! This is news indeed. I would have thought you’d be the last man to confess such a thing. And here I was thinking your marriage was one of those cold, loveless arrangements. I suppose I was wrong?”

“It’s getting more… complicated.”

“Ah, complicated,” Anthony repeated, leaning back in his chair with a knowing look. “The word every man dreads when it comes to women. That is why I have never bothered with marriage, you know…”

Simon shot him a look. This was not the time.

“But do tell me more, Simon. How did this kiss come about, and why does it have you looking like you’ve seen a ghost?”

“I didn’t plan it, it just happened. We were arguing, and then she said something that made me realize how much I’ve been pushing her away, and before I knew it…”

“Very romantic,” Anthony teased. “I thought you did not have it in you.”

“Be serious,” Simon warned.

“Fine, fine. How did the… uh… Mrs react to that? Surely, she must have been happy.”

Simon heaved a sigh. “She seemed to kiss me back. But I did not get the time to gauge her reaction properly. Actually — we broke apart because the baby had started to cry and then she just ran off to take care of her.”

“See, my friend, this is why you should have a honeymoon period before you have a baby…”

“It is not my baby,” Simon corrected, annoyed that his friend kept missing the point.

“It might as well be,” Anthony shrugged, “by how you both are raising it. Anyway I do not understand the problem here.”

Simon’s eyes widened. Here he was, completely distraught, fighting against everything that he knew to be right, and his friend was asking what the problem was?

It felt like a joke.

“It’s not like you to be so conflicted over something as simple as a kiss,” Anthony added.

Simon sighed, his shoulders slumping slightly as he stared into the fire. “It’s not the kiss itself, Anthony. It’s how it made me feel.”

“Now, we’re finally going somewhere,” Anthony leaned over with increased interest. “And this is… bad?”

“It definitely scares me,” Simon gripped the glass tighter in his hands, and took another sip.

Anthony studied his friend for a moment, his playful demeanor fading. “You’re afraid of commitment,” he said, his tone more serious now.

Simon shook his head. “I’m afraid of becoming too attached, of making promises I can’t keep….”

Once again, his father’s face flashed in front of him. Anthony was the one person — apart from Harriet now — who knew of his issues with his father.

And as expected, he picked up on the source of the problem immediately.

“Simon, you’re not your father. You’ve spent your life doing everything you can to be the opposite of him. But that doesn’t mean you have to keep everyone at arm’s length. Harriet isn’t your mother, and you’re not doomed to repeat your father’s mistakes.”

“Harriet said that, too,” he admitted quietly. “I am afraid that both of you do not know what you are talking about.”

“What is the worst that can happen?” Anthony inquired. “What are you that afraid of?”

“You know what my father did — how he let my mother down every chance that he got. I have already done that to Harriet — by leaving her alone, I was letting her down even though I thought it was for the best. But now…”

Anthony urged him to continue.

“Now, I feel as though I might do something worse by staying.”

“Quite the pickle you are in, mate,” Anthony sighed.

“Thank you for noticing,” Simon wanted to roll his eyes. Trust his friend to try and inject humor in places that did not require it.

“From what you’ve told me, it sounds like Harriet isn’t the type of woman to let you get away with anything, even if you tried. She seems to have a good head on her shoulders — and a sharp tongue to boot…”

“She does. She’s… remarkable, really. Strong, independent, far more capable than I gave her credit for,” Simon admitted.

“Then why not trust her?” Anthony suggested, “You’ve married a woman who clearly knows her own mind. Let her make her own decisions about how she feels, and maybe — just maybe — you’ll find that she wants to be with you, not in spite of who you are, but because of it.”

Simon wanted to listen to that advice. But something inside him was holding him back.

“It is not as easy as that.”

“It can be,” Anthony shrugged. “I find that the less you spend time thinking about how awful something can be, the better it is.”

Simon took another sip from his glass.

“Besides… you’ve dealt with far worse than falling in love with your wife,” Anthony chuckled.

“I suppose there are worse things in the world,” Simon closed his eyes.

Once again, he thought back to the kiss. It was… everything that he needed.

And now that he had kissed her, he was not sure how he would ever let himself not do it again.