Chapter Sixteen

The library looked better than the last time she'd seen it. It had been in passing, when Austin had been showing her around the house and informing her of the renovations that would be done in each room. When she'd come here last, the bookshelves had been stripped of all their books, looking bare and lifeless.

Now the shelving was restored, broken joints and chipped surfaces made anew. And every nook and cranny of the bookshelves was cramped with books, making Lavender gasp in awe the moment she entered. It might be the largest room in the house, she realized, with enough armchairs and chaise lounges for there to be a comfortable literary session with a few of her closest friends. There was even a writing desk tucked in the corner. At the sight of it, she immediately thought of herself writing letters or journal entries on a beautiful sunny morning.

"Do you like it?"

If she hadn't known better, she would have thought that Austin sounded hesitant just now. Almost as if he truly cared about what she thought about the room.

Lavender looked back at him. He was leaning against the door jamb, hands tucked into his pockets. "It was the late countess' favourite room in the house. She loved reading but in her last few years alive, she did not get the chance to return to London. The room fell into disrepair, like so many other rooms in the house."

"I think it's utterly beautiful, Austin," Lavender said honestly. She made her way to the closest bookshelf and gasped when she realized that nearly every edition of Shakespeare's work was tucked within. "She must have been quite the collector."

"She was. Father spared no expense when it came to her hobbies. I suppose that was one of his ways of apologising."

He didn't have to clarify. Lavender turned to face him. "This is quite lovely, Austin. It truly is. But I think there is something else I would rather do than read this evening. And I would love it if you could join me. "

"What is that?" he asked with a frown.

Lavender grinned. "Do you have any more wine?"

Austin raised his brow in question but she could see his own playful smile tugging at his lips. "I have something far better than wine. If you think you can handle it."

Lavender sank onto the closest chaise lounge, watching as he crossed over the room to the sideboard. "If it is whiskey or brandy you speak of, then it does not frighten me. I was quite the rebellious child, you see. And I would sneak into my father's sideboard many times to try a few."

"A few?" he echoed, incredulous. "I'm surprised you were not turned away from it after the first sip."

"Oh, I was tempted to," Lavender laughed. "But there was something about that heartrending burn that drew me back time and time again."

Austin poured two glasses of what Lavender assumed was scotch as he chuckled. The sound greatly startled her, causing her heart to palpitate. It was the first time she'd ever heard it in actual mirth, the sound deep enough to resonate throughout her entire being.

If Austin noticed her slight change in demeanor, he did not show it. He brought the drink over to her, and handed her the scotch with a raised brow. "I shall believe it when I see it," he said in a challenging tone. And perhaps there was even a hint of teasing in there as well.

Lavender's smile faltered momentarily as she experienced a pleasant warmth spreading throughout her chest. "Challenge accepted, my lord."

She didn't know what possessed her to do what she did next. It certainly had something to do with Austin's proximity to her and the fading echoes of his laughter ringing in her ears. It might even have something to do with the way she felt, as if he had set her on fire and held the snuffer in his hands. Lavender didn't question her next actions though questioning herself and everything around her was all she usually did.

She tipped the glass at her lips and downed it all in one go.

"Are you mad, woman?" Austin shouted, snatching the glass from her hand .

But it was too late. The burning liquid was already tearing through her throat, steadily making its way down her gullet and to her stomach. Lavender felt tears spring to her eyes even as she grinned victoriously. "Do you believe me now?"

"I believe that you might have lost your mind."

She couldn't hold it in any longer. Coughs ricocheted up her throat with such force that she doubled over. She was only vaguely aware of Austin holding her by her arms and patting her back. It took everything in her to keep from sinking to her knees.

"Blast it, woman, there wasn't any reason to do that." Lavender couldn't tell if she heard annoyance or amusement in his voice. Perhaps a mixture of both.

"I know," Lavender wheezed. Somehow, she found a chair. Austin kept hovering over her—rubbing and patting her back, brushing her hair from her face. "Honestly, I don't know what possessed me to do such a thing either. Your bad influence, maybe?"

"My bad influence?" Now it was definitely amusement. "I cannot believe you. How are you feeling now?"

"Better," she confessed. She wiped the tears from her cheeks, blinking them away from her vision. "I thought I saw the light for a moment, but it has passed."

Austin chuckled again. The sound was comforting. "Perhaps you should not drink anything else for the rest of the evening then."

"Yes, I think that would be a good idea." She managed a smile. "I hope you will not find me too unladylike if I opt to sit on the floor?"

Lavender didn't bother to wait for his response before sliding out of the armchair and sinking to the cool, wooden floor. It helped to ground her since her head was already beginning to spin. Downing such strong alcohol after sipping on wine at dinner was not a wise choice.

To her surprise, Austin hunkered down next to her. All of a sudden, Lavender remembered her state. She touched her hair and was horrified to find that it was quickly drying into knots. Not to mention the tear she had just shed would quickly turn her cheeks into splotchy messes. And the sleeve of her dress would not stay up, for goodness sake.

She tugged it up, avoiding Austin's eyes and the silence that settled over them.

"Perhaps I should have them find a dress that fits you better," he mused after a moment.

"There's no need," she said quickly, her words slurring together. "This is quite fine. Quite a beautiful dress, I must say, which surprises me considering who it had belonged to."

She froze, heart stilling. Why did she just say that? Had the scotch gone straight to her head rather than her stomach?

Lavender didn't dare to look at Austin, afraid to see just how badly she had ruined the comfortable atmosphere that had settled between them.

"You're right," he said after a moment. "A mere maid possessing a gown as nice as that one is not often seen among our people. My father was simply a giving man. And he loved my mother in a way that he could never give the countess."

Lavender didn't know what to say at first. That was the most he had ever spoken about his father's infidelity. She was on cracking ice, she realized. If she was careful, she might be able to make it to the other end where the full truth lay.

"What was she like?" she asked after a moment. "Your mother."

He sat cross-legged, his back resting on the armchair. His eyes strayed to the unlit hearth instead of her, which was just fine. It gave her all the time she needed to look at him. Watching the shadows play over his face, the depth of his eyes as he fell into the past, the tick of his sharp jaw. Goodness, she'd always known that he was handsome but watching him now stole her breath away.

"She was…no one. And everything." Austin's voice was softer than she'd ever heard it, forcing her to lean in to listen. "She was only a maid and to men like my father, that should have meant nothing. But my father was not like other lords. Or perhaps my mother was not like most maids. For the most part, she stayed in her place, kept her head down, and remained out of sight. But when she was with my father, she was truly happy—despite what became of her after I was born. "

"What happened?" Lavender breathed.

"I do not know the details, I'm afraid. In my youth, I did not want to know anything about their affair because I was ashamed of it. I was ashamed of who I was because of it and I hated the way I was treated. Never a part of any world, a complete outcast."

He laughed humorlessly. "Doesn't it sound odd hearing such a thing from me? Perhaps that is why I am the way that I am now."

"You are perfect the way that you are," Lavender said without thought. His eyes darted to her and she quickly looked away, cheeks flaring with heat. "But it sounds as if your parents were truly in love."

"As much as a lord and maid could be, but they were doomed to fail, of course."

"Because of the late countess?'

"Among other societal pressures." He sipped his drink. Lavender noticed it seemed a little more difficult for him to swallow this time.

"Did she ever…"

"Resent me?" Something passed over his face, warm and comforting. "No, she accepted me as one of her own, even though she could not forgive my father for what he had done. I have nothing but love and respect for her. For my parents as well, in their own way."

Lavender shifted closer. "I must admit that it is quite a relief to know that you were treated kindly. So many others would not be able to say the same."

Austin frowned at her, confused. "Why should you feel any relief at all?"

"Because you were accepted, despite it all. And while your peers might have treated you like an outcast, at least you did not have to suffer through the same thing in the comfort of your own home."

He simply stared at her for a moment before he said, "I did not think about it that way."

Lavender smiled and hoped it would distract him from the fact that she was inching closer still. "There is one more thing I wish to tell you, Austin. "

His nostrils flared. Despite that, he kept himself completely still. "What is that?"

"I am not afraid of you."

Lavender did not know what came over her. Perhaps it was the darkness that washed the room or the raging storm outdoors. It could have been the cool flooring beneath them, the roar of alcohol in her veins, or perhaps the raw truth that had spilled from Austin's lips. It could even be the way he looked at her right now, like she was a mythical beauty that he could hardly believe was real.

Whatever it was, Lavender latched onto it. She let it drive her actions until she was so close that she could feel his breath against her cheek. She raised a hand to his cheek, brushing a thumb across the rough stubble that was already starting to sprout.

"I see you," she murmured. "The way you wish to be seen."

Austin searched her face. For a moment, Lavender felt a bite of fear, realizing how wildly inappropriate she was being at the moment. She was an unchaperoned, unmarried woman in a man's home. If others were to find out about this, they would not care that said man was her intended. The scandal that could come out of this…she didn't want to think about it. She wouldn't. The only person she cared about right now was sitting before her.

"Lav…"

She felt so many things in this moment. Fear, uncertainty, longing, want. Above all, she felt something fearsome crashing into her at the whisper of her name, capable of tearing her into small bits at the slightest touch. Lavender knew what it meant at that moment, even though she didn't dare to think the words. She only needed to exist in this moment. This beautiful, all-consuming moment.

She opened her mouth, hoping the right words would pour out. "Austin, I—"

His lips came crashing down on hers. Lavender's heart hitched in her throat then ceased to beat altogether. His arm snaked around her waist, tugging her into his chest. Just like everything else in his life, he took what he wanted and Lavender was more than happy to comply .

But the kiss was gentler than she expected, tender. Though he held her as if he didn't want to ever let her go, he kissed her as if she were precious and fragile, soft touches and a loving swipe of the tongue. Lavender thought she might have moaned against his lips. Maybe that was him? Either way, she didn't want this moment to ever end.

Her prayers fell on deaf ears. All too soon, he pulled away, but stayed close enough. "We shouldn't do this," he murmured.

Lavender couldn't help her smile of amusement. "I did not think you to be the type who cares about society's etiquette."

"I don't." His voice was rougher than she'd ever heard it, his attention moving from her lips to her eyes then back to her lips. "But I know that you do."

That touched her in ways that she could hardly manage. That feeling came rushing back again, overwhelming her to such a degree that she was forced to pull away before she said or did something foolish.

"You're right," she murmured, getting to her feet. Austin rose as well, not taking his eyes off her for a second. Being under such close scrutiny made her feel too aware of herself. Her disheveled, half-dried hair. Her slightly too big nightgown. Yet the look in his eyes…

"Come." Austin took her hand without warning. Lavender smiled as he began leading her out of the library. They said nothing, their fingers entwined. There was nothing left to be said. They'd stepped into a new territory where he was no longer the uncouth, unwilling lord and she was no longer the excitable, plotting sister of a merchant. They were just man and woman, soon to be husband and wife. They were so much more than what she had needed initially.

A sense of peace settled over her as he led her back to the bedchamber she had changed in. He brought her as far as the bed and, for a moment, Lavender was almost certain—and excited—that he would crawl into the bed right next to her. But instead, he released her hand and took a small step back.

Lavender hid her slight disappointment as she got under the covers. The moment she did, he surprised her by leaning down to press a kiss on her forehead. Goodness, it was as if he wanted her to melt right into this bed.

"Goodnight, Lav," he murmured softly.

"Goodnight, Austin," she whispered.

The absence of his touch nearly had her calling him back. But Lavender said nothing as she watched him retreat to the door. Austin looked back only once, neither smiling nor scowling. But there was something on his face that sparked hope and happiness in the depths of her heart.

Then he was gone and Lavender was left alone, knowing all too well that there would be no hope of sleep tonight.