Chapter 7

Kelcey

I pushed open the door to my apartment, resolutely committing to not cry, and I saw the cutting board I’d used for charcuterie boards the past couple evenings while texting Nic, and I broke down completely, throwing the door shut and sitting on the floor, nice dress be damned.

It wasn’t my fault. I didn’t know Veronica was going to be there. Why was she there? There was no way she got mom privileges. That was probably just something Maria said.

And… I guess maybe I’d overreacted a little bit throwing Veronica into the tree. Apparently she got hurt in the process. Anna and Lucy took her to Anna’s apartment after the event was cleaned up and emergency damage control was done, making sure she was okay. And I did feel a little bad, but I just… needed her away from me. Was that so much to ask?

I’d gotten some very serious conversations with Anna, with Janet from HR, and even with Miranda, who acted like I’d knocked the tree down to spite her specifically because she liked Christmas trees. As if I was supposed to know? I didn’t know Miranda liked anything.

The worst part of the whole thing, though, was when Miranda told me I wasn’t going to be fired. She’d rolled her eyes with a short, pert sigh, and she’d said,

“They could never fire you. Can’t afford to get rid of a nepotism hire.”

And I’d found that really, really deeply hurtful, once I got back to my phone to look up what a nepotism hire meant.

But sitting here on the floor in my pretty and expensive dress that had been a gift from my mother, after having just screwed up an important event for everybody and being sure I wasn’t going to get fired for it, it wasn’t like I could deny that I was. Would I actually have ever gotten a second look, let alone the job itself, if I weren’t related to my grandfather?

I was a little shaky as I sent a text to the first person who came to mind right now—all my friends from the office felt like they were suddenly menacing figures far away where I dared not approach, and my family members were the wrong people to go to about this, and I wanted to feel safer in the way Nic made me, so I sent her a message.

I think you might be working with someone else soon

It took her a while to reply. Woman was busy… Liam had talked about how she wore a lot of different hats, did a lot of different things. I probably should have left her to it, done something better with my life, but I couldn’t make myself stand up from the floor, and I ended up just scrolling through the conversation, microdosing Nic and feeling a little better for it. My heart jumped when I saw her come online and start typing.

did something happen? are you okay?

I chewed my lip. I’m good, I replied, even though it was a lie. I just… wanted her to think I was cooler than I actually was. I screwed up a company event and made a big scene and I think I’m going to get taken off this project… I sent, and I went on typing a message about how I hoped we could stay friends anyway, before I deleted it in a fit of frustration—stupid and presumptuous and showing how na?ve I was. She waited a minute to see if I would start typing again before she sent a message.

okay, I just got in the car to go home, but I can talk here right now if you need that now?

I shifted awkwardly. I really shouldn’t have been bothering her like this… I was sure she had bigger things going on. She was probably busy… wearing a lot of different hats. you can get home!! you don’t need to worry about me, I just wanted to let you know it’s been really nice working together with you and I hope whoever takes over the case in my stead is good to work with! Ugh, I sounded like I was looking for pity. I threw in a bad joke. even if it’s someone who doesn’t get muffins and coffee and cozy lodges like we do!! haha

okay I’m staying right here and talking to you, firstly you know I see you as a friend and wouldn’t ditch you just because I’m working with someone else, right?

I choked on an embarrassing blubbering little sob that came up out of nowhere. I was better than this. This was so… humiliating. I wasn’t better than that, though, and that was the real problem. you don’t need to worry about me!! you’re so nice haha anyway you can go drive your car!! She could probably tell I was actually crying. I needed something more lighthearted. vroom vroom, I sent, with a car emoji, and then I realized that made things worse, and I groaned.

kelce, I’m here for you

you don’t need to stick around out of pity…

I’m not, I’m sticking around because you’re my friend and I like you and I like talking to you. She kept typing, following it up with, You’re a clever woman with a quick wit and an undeniable charm, and you have a lot of good insights on things and I feel more inspired for my work when I talk to you.

Oh… oh, god, I was in deep with a girl whose face I’d never even seen. I hunched my shoulders, shrinking more and more into myself, welling up just a little looking at the messages, and coolness be damned, I sent, yeah?

promise. everyone makes mistakes, kelce! if they actually try to take you away from your projects or things because of it, then I want to help you find your way back onto steady footing, okay?

I took a shaky breath in and let it out slowly. why?

She replied right away. because I care about what happens to you.

I’d really, really, really needed that. I breathed out long and slow, nodding shakily, and I managed to type a reply. thank you… that really means a lot. I’ll let you drive, though, I need to take a shower and then I’m setting up another charcuterie board

ooh, send pics?

We’d done this the last couple of days, three nights now where I’d been too shy and awkward to broach the subject of the fact that I’d mistaken her for a man, and I’d just sit and talk to her for ages, always over a charcuterie board, partly about the work but mostly just about me… she didn’t talk a lot about herself, but she did talk about her work and the kinds of things she ran into working in an animation studio, and I could have listened to her stories forever.

I’d been letting myself daydream about inviting her to talk in person over a charcuterie board. I’d always send her pictures, and she’d tease me once it was getting really late that the charcuterie board was probably finished, and I’d go grab a single cracker to put it on the board and send her a picture saying nooo look I’m still working on it! They were kind of our thing at this point.

And it was really nice to have that right now, as I took a shower and changed into something comfy and went about setting up a board and took a picture for her—I’d been practicing my technique with them over the last few days, between making them in the evenings and looking at Pinterest boards for inspirations in the daytime, and maybe I was desperate to prove I did know how to do things, because I really went all in on this one, and I felt proud of myself as I sent a picture.

I had a lot of the rosemary brie to get rid of, so ignore how much there is hahaha , I sent, trying to make light like I wasn’t totally angling for compliments, and she gave me exactly what I needed.

omg kelce, and then, you’ve really stepped up your game the last few days huh??

I’d been doing everything in my power to, but I was pretending I was modest. aahh idk do you think so??

I do, you’re making me want one

I wanted to say something like well, come over now and you could have one, but… I wasn’t going to. did you have a nice drive?

absolutely awful. the roads are miserable and traffic is packed. but I got back and now I get to talk to you, so all is well.

Ugh… she was so good. So good that I couldn’t help myself wanting to know everything there was about her, and I sat in the couch, huddled up in the corner next to the balcony door and under the bundles of Christmas lights draped in the curtains, and I texted, nic, can I ask you something?

sure, anything you like

it’s gonna sound silly

hit me. I love silly

why didn’t you correct me all the times I referred to you as a man?

It took a while, my heart beating faster, and a few false starts and stops, before she replied. I guess I should have realized Danielson would mention it…

if you’re like a trans guy or something you can just let me know!! that’s okay too!!

nah… I’m a woman. sorry for being slippery.

I chewed my lip, nervous, hugging the blanket closer to me, and it took me a minute to type my reply. did you not want me to know?

It took her a long time to reply, enough I felt a little queasy and regretting broaching the subject, but I softened when I saw her response. I’m kind of insecure sharing things about myself… I have a lot of insecurities around being perceived having feelings and emotions and I think being mistaken for someone else makes me feel more secure talking about how I feel. I know that’s weird and kind of deceptive, so, I’m sorry.

Did… did that mean that these conversations were a safe refuge for her too? That she got to relax and say the things on her mind here like she couldn’t in the rest of her life? Because if that meant I was a valuable part of her life who helped make things nicer, than I wanted to spend the rest of my life hearing that on repeat. you don’t need to be sorry for anything! I sent. sorry if I burst your little anonymity bubble by digging up your true gender.

It took a while for her to send a reply that made my heart skip a beat. I like when you know things about me… I’m just still shy about myself.

I’m not judging you for anything. You can say and be and feel anything and it’s totally okay!

I don’t think you have it in you to judge anyone for anything… you’re probably the sweetest, loveliest person ever born.

I giggled, biting my lip in a flush of nervous excitement, the events of the day totally gone now, swept up in Nic. idk about that, I sent. I just threw my ex face-first into a Christmas tree and knocked it over and interrupted a big, serious event with some major investors

if it’s that Veronica girl, she deserves it, she sent. You’re probably making her think twice before she goes hurting someone else, so that was a very sweet and generous thing for you to do.

I nestled further into the couch, softening into this perfect, warm feeling, and I sent, you’re just saying that bc you’re an enabler

hmmmmm… maybe but I stand by it

how is it that things just feel right and good and nice with you? even when things are messy and difficult they just feel better like this…

I swallowed after I sent it, shifting anxiously, wondering if I should have deleted the message and hoped she hadn’t read the whole thing yet, but she replied, I don’t know, but I know I feel the same way, and my heart jumped, missing a beat and catching up at double time. She felt the same way… probably not in all the ways I did. Talking to her felt like all the best things about talking to Veronica, felt like those soft little moments we’d have where she let her guards down and let me in and we were beautiful, we were perfect… it wasn’t quite the same without Veronica’s soft, warm eyes looking into mine, but I had to move on. I had to.

thanks for sticking around… it means a lot. I kept typing, my hands going on ahead without me. My grandfather has a lot of money and connections, and I’m kind of realizing they only hired me because of him, and they all think I’m stupid and can’t do anything right, and I spend all my time feeling useless. I felt like maybe I had a chance with this job, but my ex showed up and her mother was there too trying to get us together and I just lost my temper a little bit and now everyone is going to treat me like a pariah… which I guess is kind of deserved, but I don’t want to be a useless idiot just kept around for her grandfather.

It was definitely too much. But Nic was the sweetest person alive, and she replied with, I don’t think you’re useless, and even if they did hire you because of your connections, it doesn’t mean you’re stupid. She kept typing, and I watched anxiously as she sent, and I’m on your side. If they try to take you off the project, I’m going to complain, say that you’ve been especially good to work with and a strong, clear communicator, and that I want to keep working with you.

I pursed my lips. thank you, but I can’t keep staying here just because of other people representing me well!

She replied right away. then let’s do something else, she sent. I’m going to work overtime and make sure we have a starter for that video over the weekend. I want them to see that you can get stuff done, including by mobilizing other people to do their parts.

I lurched, a little, a nervous sensation spiking up inside me, as I held the phone tighter. nic, you hate working regular time, let alone overtime!!

She replied with laughing emojis, and, that’s how you know you’ve got me thoroughly suckered in

Oh, god, I had her thoroughly suckered in. Well… that went both ways. I bit my lip, kicking nervously, excitedly, at the floor. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing in return for you!!

just talking to you is already pretty great

okay, denied. I have to do SOMETHING. you said you like having someone to share honestly how you feel about things. tell me something you normally don’t share?? I want my chance to be supportive

She started typing and stopped a few times before, an eternity later, she responded, I’m kind of insecure about dating girls, actually.

Oh, god, she didn’t want to date me. I mean—obviously she didn’t, we didn’t really know each other, beyond this. And that was also not what she meant. you mean, like, being bisexual?

labeling it as bisexual or anything feels weird… I always feel anxious about it. the last girl I was with was the first time I was really with a woman… I’d never thought I would be. I still feel awkward about admitting that I was with a woman.

that sounds exhausting… I really like being bisexual and the bisexual label and everything. but if you don’t feel comfortable with the label, then that’s okay!! do you think you could feel that way about a girl again?

I don’t know… but I definitely still feel that way about her, so I guess I have to admit that there’s something there. It took a second before she sent, I’m a little bit queer, I guess, and then, I think that’s the first time I’ve really put that down in writing somewhere

well, thank you for telling me, I sent, along with a line of heart emojis. it means a lot to be the person you trust with that!

see, normally I’m not good with that, either, she sent. talking about like “oh, thank you for telling me, I accept you whatever you are and whatever you feel, it means a lot to me,” but coming from you, like this, it actually feels really nice

I was something nice in her life. How about that?

Maybe I wasn’t that dumb after all. Maybe I was Kelcey Huntington, and maybe that meant something other than just being the granddaughter of Stanley Huntington. A while ago, Anna had said my strengths lay in people… reading people, knowing what people needed, making them feel safe and comfortable. And I thought that sounded really nice—like something I could see myself doing.

I liked that.

let’s microdose sappy emotional stuff, I sent. we each send each other a really loaded emotional message and then we move on and get to talking about that video for the weekend, and that way we can build up an immunity to feeling icky around feelings.

ooohh, building an immunity to the poison!! you’re clever

I couldn’t get enough of Nic telling me I was smart. I know, right?? I sent, and then, do you want to go first, or should I?

She went first. this means a lot to me, and I’m really happy we met and that I get to talk like this… I feel like I’m kind of figuring out how to be myself around a person this way.

I was going to scream, throw the phone, curl up in the corner and roll around on the floor. But that would be weird. And Nic needed me to be normal and chill right now. it means a lot to me too, I sent, and I always feel really insecure around my intelligence and my worth, and you make me feel like I’m intelligent and capable, and that means more to me than I can say.

It took her a second to reply. I really want to reply to that with something nice but I’m too insecure about feelings right now, so let’s dive into that video and we’ll get back to that once I’m not having an allergic reaction to emotions!

That sounded good to me. She could take all the time she needed.