Chapter 8

Veronica

I’d never worked so hard in my life. To be fair, I’d never really worked hard for one second since the moment I put in the effort to get out of the birth canal and into the world and found out that wasn’t worth the effort, so it was a low bar, but apparently I could work hard when there was a cute person on the line who I liked to think about naked. Which, obviously, was all she was, and not at all that I was in love with her and couldn’t get her off my mind.

I put in the hours right away, waking up Saturday morning and texting Kelcey first thing, rolling out of bed and squeezing food in my mouth while I booted up the computer to get started on the project, talking through the details with her, sending her early concepts. She shared detailed feedback and suggestions in between small talk and pictures of our meals as the day went on—Kelcey was a foodie, and I’d always thought anyone who self-described as foodie was annoying at best, but when it was Kelcey suddenly I just thought wow, that’s so cool, I never really thought about food in the way she does, because… that was probably also just because I thought she had a nice ass and that was all there was to it.

It took until the evening, when Kelcey had to go to a family event that I knew was giving her complicated feelings after that dickwad Miranda had given her grief about her family, with me left alone aimless without Kelcey to talk to, for me to realize I had about thirty notifications from my reactivated dating profile. I felt an awkward sense of being in the wrong place as I opened it, scrolling through messages. A whole bunch of matches with men who didn’t seem as interesting as they had when I had first swiped right on them… most of them sent messages, pretty much all along the lines of hey and leaving it at that. Like—was pussy such a low priority that they couldn’t even manage a second word in their quest to get it? Better than the two girls who’d matched with me too, neither of whom had messaged at all. Because god forbid a woman makes the first move. She’d die.

I at least had one interesting reply from a guy called Noah, a guy who’d managed to show sporty-looking photos on his profile without coming across like one of those yeah I go to the gym, now suck my dick guys who infested dating apps. He’d actually read my profile, judging by the fact that he mentioned my listed interest in arts and said he liked a girl who was good with a paintbrush, mentioned he’d been taking some classes, and asked to see some of my works. Still straightforward enough about how he thought I was hot so that it didn’t seem like he’d be wasting my time, but an okay enough place to start a conversation and not just hey.

I’d kind of forgotten about my resolution to get laid… I really wanted to just get myself laid down in bed with a muffin and text Kelcey, but if I wanted to get over her, it was probably worth a try.

Even if it felt as appetizing as eating cardboard. If I acted like I was interested, maybe the interest would follow. Or maybe I’d at least be more into it once I had a dick inside me.

So I shot him a message that I hoped came across as enthusiastic and excited, and I set about making dinner. He replied pretty quickly—not quickly enough to scream desperation, which was nice, because that was a turn-off if anything was, but quickly enough that I didn’t forget about his existence. We went back and forth for a while, not really a spark but not really anything bad either, and when he asked if we wanted to schedule something tomorrow to meet up, grab coffee and see where it went, I clearly had Kelcey on the brain, because I told him I was busy tomorrow but that I could do tonight—at the specific times Kelcey had given me that she’d be busy with her family.

If it came across as too forward and pushed him away, I’d honestly be kind of relieved. But it didn’t—he said he could make today work, and after a bit, said he’d cleared the evening, and he suggested a coffee shop, which was nice that he’d actually suggested something. He was shaping up to be the kind of guy I’d fuck a couple of times before moving on, even, if… if it weren’t for the fact that I didn’t want anything to do with him right now.

“Ugh, Veronica, move,” I groaned, getting myself up to put myself together, clean myself up, do my hair and makeup, and it was a slog dragging myself out to get to the coffee shop, a cramped spot that looked like where a hipster artist would get a lavender oat milk latte, plants squeezed in around wood paneling and thick windowpanes. I ordered a cappuccino from a guy with the kind of moustache that said he was a career barista, and it came out with the most flawless latte art ever on it, and I guess I was feeling spiteful, because I bent down and sipped at it right there on the handoff plane just to ruin the nice design.

I sat at a table by the window, and I scrolled through Kelcey’s and my conversation, a distant pang in my chest ringing as I did.

I really needed to tell her already… even I , Veronica Preston, the worst person alive, was starting to feel guilty. But… I didn’t want to screw with her project. I’d help her make the project work so they could see she was good at what she did, and then I’d tell her, and she’d tell me to go fuck myself, and I’d be able to put this behind me knowing I’d at least done something to make Kelcey’s life a little better even if I also fucked things up being the way that I was.

I was in the middle of scrolling idly when a guy’s voice from next to me said, “Veronica?” and I put the phone away in a rush.

“Kelcey?” I turned to him, scowling. “No, uh. What was it?”

He smiled awkwardly, hands in his pockets, looking down at where I was sitting. “That’s it, yeah.”

“Kelcey?” I didn’t remember her looking like this.

“Noah.”

Oh. No, uh. I laughed. “Right—my bad. Sorry, I was in the middle of something. Hey, Noah. Not a bad spot, it’s, uh…” Kelcey would like it. She loved hanging, creeping planters like this, and with the Christmas decorations up—Kelcey loved Christmas decorations so much. Nutcrackers in the windows—she always went wild for cute little nutcrackers, looking at the little details on each one. Who would have thought I’d have a soft spot for nutcrackers? “It’s… nuts,” I said, nutcrackers the only thing on the mind. The guy who wasn’t Kelcey blinked.

“Nuts?”

“Yeah, nutcrackers. Lots of them. They’re cute.”

He laughed. “Big nutcracker person?”

My ex was . That was a good way to screw up the chemistry for a potential hookup. “Love ‘em,” I lied. “Cute little mouths and the goofy hair. Big fan. Anyway, the coffee’s good here, so good call.”

“Right—I’m gonna grab something.” He pointed over his shoulder. “I know the barista on duty, so I’ll pass along the compliments about the nutcrackers.”

I was never setting foot in this place again. I’d be nutcracker lady for the rest of my life. Disgusting.

Kelcey would like it, though. Not that that mattered to me, the number one most over-it person in the world when it came to Kelcey Huntington.

A message pinged from Kelcey, and I dropped to the bottom of the list, reading with excitement I’d never admit to bubbling in my chest as Noah went to get his coffee. She’d sent a picture of a big dinner spread, the whole thing a little… excessive, but Kelcey’s face was in the shot along with a bunch of her family, and I found myself staring helplessly at her face, squished in between two people and laughing with them. I missed the sound of her laughter… she had the cutest little laugh like the chime of a bell.

look at all the great food you’re missing!! don’t you wish you were in this house with a million other people squeezed in around one table asking invasive personal questions??

I laughed, settling into my seat, texting back. with you there?? there’s nowhere I’d rather be, so I’m absolutely jealous

ugh stopp you’ll get me embarrassed!! and then, is your evening going well?

Well, that was a question. Telling her I was out to grab coffee with a potential hookup to vet him and make sure he didn’t seem like a serial killer before I let him put his dick in me was probably weird. Especially if I mentioned the part where I was desperately phoning it in because I was distracted thinking about her. I took a picture of the window with the nutcrackers and sent it.

popped out for coffee and found this cute place! I bet you’d love these guys, they’re all in the Christmas spirit

omgggg I do love them!! steal one for me?? esp that red and blue one is so cutee look at his little hat!!

He did have a cute little hat. I laughed, looking up at the nutcracker, thinking about Kelcey here laughing as she’d look closer, gushing about his hat, and I jolted when Noah slid into the seat across from me with a very awkward smile.

“You really are, uh… a really big fan, huh?”

God, I’d just been sitting here giggling at a nutcracker. He probably thought I was high. “I’d just been—thinking about something and staring off into space,” I said. “Although the little guy in red and blue is pretty cute. I mean, look at his little hat.”

He raised his eyebrows, looking over the nutcracker. “It’s a… fun little hat.”

“You think I could steal it?”

He laughed uncomfortably. “I bet if you asked, they’d let you buy it off them.”

I perked up. “Wait, really?” Kelcey would go wild over it. Not that I’d have a way to get it to her. Maybe I could give it to Anna and ask her to pass it along to Kelcey.

He strained his smile. “Do you want me to get up and go ask?”

God, I was still being weird about the nutcracker. I needed to get back on subject. “Nah, forget the nutcracker,” I said. “So—Kelcey—No. Uh. Yeah. Noah. Have you ever…” I blanked. “Have you ever… had… Christmas before?”

He blinked slowly. “Uh, yeah,” he said, after a second. “Yeah, my, uh, my family celebrates it.”

“Okay, white lights or multicolored? Because I like multicolored lights but Kelcey always says white is prettiest.”

He smiled patronizingly, folding his hands on the table. “Kelcey’s a friend of yours?”

“Ah, Christ, I mentioned Kelcey.”

“Does Kelcey also like nutcrackers?”

“She loves everything Christmas. But yeah, big nutcracker girl. Including the ballet. She did ballet growing up and still likes going with her family sometimes to watch. Told me we should go together someday and I said yes before I realized that was too much, and I, uh…” I stared blankly, only finally now settling in what the fuck I was talking about, and I hunched my shoulders, cupping my coffee and looking out the window. “Sorry. I kind of miss her.”

He softened. I guess admitting I was just stuck on my ex and not that I was a half-crazed nutcracker thief was better. “Things didn’t pan out with her, huh?”

“I broke things off because I was scared of developing feelings, and then I found out that just means I have feelings and don’t have her. I was just trying to fuck her and stuff because she’s cute and has a lot of money, and it was fun, and she’s good in bed, but then I kind of couldn’t draw the line between going out to get in her pants and going out because I liked being with her, and then the next thing I know, apparently I’m gay all of a sudden.”

He paused. “Having sex with her didn’t already make you gay?”

“Ugh—again with this. Just because I lick pussy doesn’t make me gay.”

“I, uh, I think it does.”

I put my hands up. “Well, whatever the details, I’m gay now. So there, I said it.”

He scratched the back of his head, smiling awkwardly. “Uh… I feel like I should congratulate you? I think I’m party to something important you’re working through.”

“Thanks. Do you want to celebrate back at my place? I’d love to have every thought of Kelcey fucked out of my brain right now.”

He shifted in his seat. “Are you, uh—are you sure you want to? I mean, you’re really hot and it’s not like I’m not tempted, but at this point I’d feel like I’m getting in the middle of something.”

I bristled. “There’s nothing to get in the middle of! Kelcey and I are done. There’s nothing there.”

“Who exactly are you trying to convince?”

“I’m trying to convince you. Specifically convince you to take me back to my place, rip my clothes off, tie me up and put a vibrator inside me and fuck my face until I stop thinking about how it would feel when Kelcey would get suddenly toppy and be the one to tie my hands behind my back and sit on the edge of the couch and push me between her legs…” I hung my head. “I’m not making a very good case.”

He laughed. Seemed good-natured about it, I guess. That sucked. Meant I was being the weird one. “Getting over someone is hard.”

“Yeah… so is that a no for tonight?”

He cleared his throat. “You’re hot enough I’d regret saying no, but only if you’re sure… you’re not going to call me someone else’s name in bed, are you?”

“No!”

“What’s my name?”

Kelcey? Not Kelcey. Not Kelcey probably wasn’t the answer. “Uh.” I stared for about three solid seconds before I managed, “Noah.”

“Mm-hm.”

“That won’t matter if your dick’s down my throat. Won’t be saying anyone’s names.”

“All right, fine,” he said. “It’s just for one night. It’s not like I’m asking for emotional commitment.”

I stared at him with a sinking feeling in my gut for the longest time before I slumped over the table. “Dammit, I don’t want to have sex.”

“Yeah, that’s kinda what I thought…”

I groaned. “Was it that obvious?”

“A… a little bit, yeah.”

“I just want to watch cheesy TV with her and have snacks and go out to buy cute Christmas things we don’t need at Target. I tried to break things off by making her want to leave because I couldn’t bring myself to leave her, and I just made her miserable and hate herself, and now I just miss her so much in every little thing, and I can’t even look at a stupid nutcracker without thinking about which one she’d like the most. Ugh, kill me, Nelson.”

“It’s Noah.”

“How am I supposed to fix it?”

He shrugged. “Tell her you’re sorry and that you’d like a chance to make it better? I dunno. I assume you’ve done that.”

“Uh. Not really, I guess.”

“Then that’s probably what I’d recommend.”

“What am I gonna do about the fact that I’ve been texting her anonymously because our jobs have connected us for her project and she doesn’t realize it’s me on the other side?”

He raised his eyebrows. “Damn. Is this going to keep getting more complicated the more questions I answer?”

“I’m always down to get fucked. There’s probably something deeply, biologically wrong with me that makes me into some insatiable nymphomaniac slut who wants to get passed around at an orgy. What the hell happened to make me want to cuddle Kelcey and spend happy carefree moments with her so badly that I’m going to turn down sex?”

“Feelings?”

“Ew.” Anna had said the same thing. I guess maybe this was a thing at this point. If I thought so, and Anna thought so, and Nate here thought so, then three times was enemy action, and feelings were definitely enemy action. I sighed. “Sorry to lead you on and waste your evening.”

He shrugged. “It’s cool. Feelings are complicated. And now I’ll always have something interesting to think of when I see a nutcracker.”

“I’m bisexual,” I blurted, and he blinked fast.

“I was kind of piecing that together.”

“I think I’d like it if Kelcey were my girlfriend.”

He nodded, sitting up stiffly. “I think I actually managed to piece that together too.”

“ My girlfriend, Kelcey. Veronica and Kelcey. That’s pretty cute, right? A couple of girlfriends.”

“With a happy house full of nutcrackers.”

“I’m not a lesbian.”

He smiled wider. “I’d kind of believe it if you were. Seemed a little bit like you were trying to convince yourself of something.”

“Nah… I’m just hung up right now, but I definitely like sucking guys off in general.”

“And eating girls out doesn’t mean the same thing?”

Huh. I guess maybe it did. That was weird. I finished off my coffee, setting it back down on the saucer, and I said, “Hey, Neil—”

“Noah.”

“Thanks. For this. I appreciate it. I’m gonna ask your buddy if I can buy that nutcracker off of them. Kelcey would love it.”

“I’ll back you up. It’ll make a fun story for both of us.”

In the end, the guy at the register was so confused he eventually just offered to let me take the nutcracker, and I argued that no, it wouldn’t make a good gift then, and we haggled until I handed over ten dollars for the nutcracker, and I got back to my apartment with a weird kind of lightness about me that I wasn’t used to, and I found myself calling Anna out of nowhere. She picked up on the second ring.

“I’m bisexual,” I said, and Grandma’s voice came down the line.

“I know that. All those crude texts you sent me about Kelcey were plenty to figure that out, that poor girl.”

“Ah, shit, sorry, Gram. Meant to call Anna.”

She muttered something before she hung up, and I called Anna, properly this time. It almost went to voicemail with her before she picked up, sounding harried.

“God, what’d you do?” she said.

“I’m bisexual.”

She paused. “Uh…” I heard the gears turning in her head before her tone changed, and I could hear her moving around, settling down somewhere with a heavy sigh, the sound of her changing gears. “Okay. All right… um. Thank you for telling me. I support you.”

I sat further back in the couch, pulling my knees up into my chest, my heart beating faster than it had any right to, and I didn’t think it was from the coffee. “I’m pretty sure I was in love with Kelcey. And I think I still am.”

“You really like getting shoved into a tree, huh?”

I guess actually I couldn’t really explain how Kelcey was so central to all of my thoughts again now. Anna would murder me if she found out what I was doing with Kelcey. “Yeah, I, uh… I just went out with some guy from an app and I just sat there talking about Kelcey. And I insisted he not worry about me being hung up on her and told him to come back to my place and shove his dick down my throat—”

“I don’t want to hear the details, Veronica—”

“—and once he finally agreed to do it, I felt like ew and I wanted to run away and go watch Love Island with Kelcey instead.”

She sighed. “You really have got it bad.”

“I mean, don’t get me wrong, I want her to sit on my face too—”

“ Ew —Veronica—”

“ What? I know full well how much you like Lucy sitting on your face—”

“Veronica, you’re making it worse.”

“—but I also just want to be with her and be… in love with her. I want to be her girlfriend. I want her to be my girlfriend.”

She sighed, harder this time. “Do you… want me to talk to her? Tell her how much you actually seem to mean it this time and convince her to give you a chance? Because trust me, I’m hesitant to offer you that, but you seem to… mean it.”

“Uh…” I cleared my throat awkwardly. “Not… yet. I still have to, uh… figure some stuff out first.”

“ Some stuff like what, Veronica?” she said, a dangerous edge to her voice. Uh-oh. Couldn’t let her cotton on. Had to throw her off.

“I’m hosting a swinger’s party at my place tomorrow night—”

“Ew—god—forget I asked. I don’t want to know. Sure, just… just let me know. Once you’re ready to face your feelings. I swear to god, Veronica…”

“I will. Yeah. Thanks, Anna. You’re… kinda… okay, sometimes.”

“Hm. You too. Okay, well—thanks for telling me. I’m going to get back to work now.”

“ Back to work, it’s nine o’clock on a Saturday night.”

“I know,” she said cheerfully, which must have meant she was putting in the late hours alongside Lucy, Anna’s personal happy place. Gross. Except that I was jealous because I would have done anything for a chance at that with Kelcey.

“Ugh. You’re such a loser. Bye then, I’ll let you gawk at your girlfriend while you both work yourselves to death. Unbearable…”

“Goodnight, Veronica,” she laughed, and I hung up, still bristling a little.

Ugh. But it was all immediately irrelevant anyway, because Kelcey texted with a picture of herself sprawled out on her couch, along with the caption, made it back alive! hope your nutcracker adventure went well!

God, she was pretty. I stared at the photo for a long time, mostly because she was pretty, but also partly because I had fucked her on that couch, so seeing her spread out on it with her dress a little haphazard and messy… I hadn’t gotten the action tonight that I thought I might, and I’d thought something had just broken and I suddenly had no sex drive, but the thought of taking Kelcey on that couch and hearing her divine noises of pleasure had me prickling with heat.

I wondered if it was weird to get myself off while talking to her, pretending everything was normal. It probably was. I’d fantasize about her later. And the fact that I wasn’t doing it now because I thought it was disrespectful to her was some damning evidence about my feelings for her that I was finally useless to ignore.

I texted the wrong thing without thinking about it. you look so beautiful in that dress

She texted back another picture of the dress, this one all fake-candid, pretending she’d just snapped a picture with the phone in front of her when it was obvious she was trying to get her cleavage in the picture. Not that I minded. you like this one?? it’s my favorite one now then, she sent, along with a line of heart emojis.

Ugh, god, she was obviously flirting. And I was obviously susceptible. I knew I needed to be sensible, but I couldn’t help myself… I went and changed into an outfit Kelcey hadn’t seen before, a soft-pink minidress with a flared skirt that was just risqué enough to feel exciting when I snapped a few pictures, choosing the one that looked the least recognizable as me and running it through a warm light filter to make it look like I had a different skin tone—anything to make it look a little bit less like I was the woman who’d broken her heart—before I sent it with a shaky sensation.

I’m too shy to send anything much but here’s mine too, just so we can match, I sent, and it took a satisfyingly long time for her to respond.

oh my godddd , she sent, along with a row of heart-eye emojis. you’re so pretty!!!!!

Wasn’t even trying to pretend it was just the dress that was pretty. I chewed my lip. thanksss , I sent. I’ve got nothing on you

you have everything on me!!!

That sounded awfully nice. I could think of a few things I’d like to have on her… my mouth, my hand, my strap-on I’d bought specifically to use on her. Also my head on her shoulder, my hand in hers… my last name on hers. Or hers on mine, I didn’t know and I wasn’t thinking about it.

pleaseee you’ll get me embarrassed! I replied. but thank you, and a line of heart emojis, before, let’s just talk about your big family event before I die of self-consciousness!! how was all of the food??

We settled into conversation again, and just like it always did with Kelcey, it felt right. Like things were all in their right place.

Dammit, I was going to emotionally rub one out later thinking of her. Sentimental masturbation wasn’t exactly my thing. But here we fucking were.