Chapter 6

Veronica

Anna looked like she was about ready to murder me, but she wasn’t the only one at that party who had.

“I’m telling security to throw you out on sight,” she said, shutting off her kitchen sink and drying her hands, hanging the towel back up and turning back to where I was crashed on her couch nursing an ice pack on my shoulder. “All future events, I swear to god, it’s on sight.”

“You didn’t say I couldn’t show up.”

“I exactly, expressly did.”

“Can I have a cappuccino?”

She put her hands on her hips. “You come crashing a party I explicitly tell you not to, try hitting on my coworker I explicitly told you not to, knock over the Christmas tree in the middle of the event and wreck the entire thing, and I still have the goodness in my heart to make sure you haven’t broken anything, and your first response is to try to take my coffee too?”

I turned back towards the bathroom. “Luce! Can I have a cappuccino?”

Lucy’s voice drifted from beyond the door. “Sure thing, Vern, help yourself.”

Anna pinched the bridge of her nose. “Lucy! Ugh…”

I hopped up to my feet, only a bit sore on my one arm, and I pushed past Anna to start up her coffee machine. “Your machine’s way nicer than mine,” I said. “Or maybe it’s the beans, I don’t know.”

“Veronica, I hope you know this is serious. That wasn’t just a fun networking event for talking to cute people or however things work in your mind, we were trying to show some very important investors how put together and reliable we are. Do you know what you just fucked up?”

I knew all too well what I fucked up, and Lakeshore’s investors weren’t too high on the list of my concerns. I kept my head down while I made coffee, and I mumbled, “Yeah.”

“No—I don’t just mean with Kelcey.”

“I wasn’t trying to run into her. I didn’t know she’d be there.”

“Do you really expect me to believe you?”

I put the portafilter down, turning to her with my hands up. “I mean it! Seriously! I was trying to find someone there to bang to help me forget about Kelcey.”

She raised her eyebrows. “Oh, so now you’re ready to admit that you’re hung up on her and struggling with your very real feelings as far as she’s concerned?”

“No! It’s just…”

She kept her eyebrows up, folding her arms. I huffed, turning back to the machine.

“Okay, a little.”

“A little.”

“More than a little.” I groaned, starting the grinder, like I could hide behind the noise it made. “Leave me alone, okay?”

“ Leave you alone? Like how you leave my office events alone? In what world do you have any room to talk about leaving you alone?”

The bathroom door opened, and Lucy stepped out, dressed down now in a matching pajama set. As if she wasn’t going to sit around continuing to work until midnight. I knew these two dorks. I shot her a helpless look. “Luce, back me up.”

She smiled warmly. “Not a chance in hell, Vern. And against Anna? What are you smoking?”

“Ugh.” I turned back to the machine, starting the espresso pull, steaming the milk, and I felt Anna’s eyes on me still while Lucy went about her business, absolutely not backing me up.

Like a jerk.

“Okay, fine,” I sighed, hard, shutting off the steam wand and mumbling while I shook out the foam on top of the drink. “I caught feelings for Kelce. Are you happy now?”

“Not until I know you’re not going to be marching in fucking up my events, no, not particularly.”

“I’m having a big moment here, okay?”

“I wish you’d have fewer big moments.”

Lucy stepped up behind Anna, putting a hand on her back. “Hey, sweetheart,” she said, her voice soft. “Your sister did nothing but back you up when it came to me with you. This is her best attempt at coming out, so you might as well give her some space for it.”

“I’m not coming out, ” I shot, hunching my shoulders. Anna gave me a dry look.

“Just telling me how you’re romantically and sexually attracted to a woman.”

“Ew, don’t put it like that. I’m not supposed to be in the same sentence as romance. Gross.”

Anna sighed. Lucy smiled patronizingly at me, the jerk. Just because she had a cute happy relationship with her girlfriend, she thought that gave her the right? “Are you hiding from romance, or from your feelings in general, Vern?”

I scowled, lifting my mug, and I winced at the pain flaring up in my shoulder, almost sloshing the coffee down my front. “Confronting the source of my feelings just got me thrown into a Christmas tree and earned me a big bruise from a tree topper bellyflopping onto me.”

“Addressing and acknowledging your feelings doesn’t mean trying to sweet-talk your ex at a party you aren’t invited to,” Lucy said, with that patronizing tone like she was explaining to a kid why they couldn’t have cookies for dinner.

“Ugh, shut up.” I cleaned up the machine and took the cappuccino to sit back on the couch again, hunching into the mug and sipping it broodily. Anna came over with me, sitting down next to me, her hands folded in her lap, and the pressure of the silence got to me. I cradled my mug with both hands, looking down. “It feels weird and gross and, like… not me. I’m not homophobic or anything, but I’m not gay.”

It was the most serious, earnest thing I’d said in a while—outside of the dumb bullshit I’d said to Kelcey at the other party—but thank god, Anna actually responded the same way instead of making it weird. “We get a lot of messaging about what gay or lesbian or bisexual are or what they look like, and sometimes when we’re trying to figure out if we are this thing, we’re looking at if we want to look like that image. It’s not about whether you see yourself being like whatever gay looks like in your head, it’s about how you feel when you look at Kelcey.”

I sighed, going for a dismissive tone and coming up short. From the kitchen next to us, Lucy made a show of checking the fridge, and she said, “Ah… hold on, I need to grab something from the car. Give me one sec, sweetheart.”

Anna nodded to her, and I scowled at her, shooting Anna a look once Lucy was out the door. “I can have a conversation with Lucy here. I’m not embarrassed.”

“Yeah, you are,” she deadpanned, and I gave her an indignant look. I mean, she was right, which was even more annoying, but I didn’t want her to be right.

“Okay, jerk. Fine, whatever. Ugh.” I pulled my knees up into my chest, resting the mug on them. “So, what, just because I think Kelcey’s cute, now I’m gay?”

“You don’t have to use any labels if you don’t like them. You can just be Veronica, and Veronica thinks Kelcey’s cute.”

I snorted, and I mimed filling out a sheet. “Sexuality, Veronica.”

“You have a lot of places asking you to fill your sexuality on a form?”

“Orgy signups…”

“Signups? Like a… Google form?”

I shrugged. “They’re group events. I’ve worked in event planning and it’s not that different from any other event. You get spreadsheets and stuff. Make sure dietary needs are accommodated, because you need food at an orgy. Make sure you have condoms, rigorously make sure everyone’s tested, make sure you’ve got Plan B because someone’s going to need it before the day is done, make sure you know what kinks to be prepared for and how to orient who where based on sexuality… make sure you have toys. Space for people of all different types, like the ones who want to get gangbanged or the ones who just want to wallflower it up, watch the scene, and get off later thinking about it, and everything in between. There’s a lot of organization.”

“Honestly, I… admit I kind of just imagine a bunch of people showing up and getting naked.”

I wrinkled my nose. “Those exist too, but… you do not want to go to those.”

“ I don’t want to go to any. But thanks for the warning.”

“I mean, I guess I already say I’m bisexual in those things because I’m cool with getting freaky with whatever gender, whatever configuration… but that doesn’t really feel serious.”

“Everything could be like that. You can just go around existing in the world having feelings for Kelcey and it doesn’t have to be serious.”

“But—what if it were? Like… ugh.” I set my mug down, focusing on tending to my ice pack, my bruise, just to look at something other than her. “I mean, in all honesty, Kelce and I were kind of… dating, for a while, like, no matter how you spin it, it was kind of a relationship. What if it had stayed like that? If I went around telling people about my girlfriend, they’d think lesbian. Even if they thought bisexual, it’s just… like it’s all serious and squishy and icky and weird.”

She looked down. “Yeah… I mean, you can’t help how other people will perceive you. And getting caught up in what other people think is a neat shortcut to a miserable life.”

“Yeah. I guess that’s true.” I shifted from side to side. “What’s being gay like?”

“Pretty… normal. It’s what I’ve always been, so I don’t really notice it. Not like I have anything to compare it to. Labels are weird for me too, because it feels like I’m not quite lesbian but bisexual or pansexual aren’t quite right, but… being attracted to women is just normal. Having a girlfriend is perfectly normal.”

“A girlfriend who’s probably freezing her tits off in the car. You can let her back in.”

“If you keep talking about my girlfriend’s tits, I’ll put you out without a car and see who’s freezing what.”

“Why does it feel so gross?”

Her eyebrows shot up. “Because it’s a little invasive when you start talking about my monogamous partner’s private parts?”

“I mean… having a girlfriend. People thinking I’m gay.”

“Oh.”

“If you can stop thinking about her tits for one second.”

“Okay, shut the fuck up.” She laughed, though, massaging her temples. “Does it feel gross when you think about having a boyfriend?”

I chewed my lip. “Not a ton…”

“But a little? What about, like… in high school, when you were first dating?”

I shifted on the couch, picking my cappuccino back up and losing myself in it for a while before I said, “Is that related?”

“Sometimes you kinda have to… get used to these things separately. Being perceived in who we honestly are is scary and, if you’re not used to it, can feel… gross. I’m just wondering if maybe you had to get acclimated to the idea of being perceived having a boyfriend, loving a man, and if maybe you have to get acclimated to it with a woman too.”

I chewed my lip, searching in vain for any part of me that wasn’t feeling antsy and itchy. Maybe my hair. “Isn’t that kind of just because… teenagers always feel awkward and icky and weird?”

“Guess that can complicate things, but the fact that you look like you want to rip your own skin off right now means, I think, that I’ve hit the mark.” She smiled dryly. “What do you think about the idea of having a husband?”

“Ew.” Answer ripped itself up out of me automatically.

“And a wife?”

“Ew…” Mostly that one trailed off uncertainly because I was thrown by how viscerally I pictured Kelcey. I did not want to marry Kelcey. Even if we were together, marriage? Ew. But I couldn’t shake the fact that Kelcey came to mind.

Anna smiled. “Both about equally ew?”

“Um… maybe, yeah.” Didn’t make any sense that wife would be less bad. Having a husband just sounded awful, though. Felt like being tied down barefoot and pregnant in a kitchen I didn’t own. Having a wife just felt like weird matrimony stuff, but husband ? That was matrimony stuff and more.

“Might be something to think about. And spend time thinking instead of showing up at my events and destroying them. I’m still pissed off at you, even if you change the subject with halfhearted coming-outs.”

“Like I said, I’m not coming out. My sexuality is Veronica. I’m not coming out as Veronica.”

Anna shot me a look so serious it made me throw up a little in my mouth. “Veronica, if you had a chance with Kelcey, would you want to try?”

My stomach lurched, and I looked away, focusing on the Christmas tree in the corner of the living room. I bet it’d be really funny if I pushed it over. Maybe that would be a good way to get out of this. “A chance to get her in bed, yeah. She’s really good with her mouth.”

She stared at me. I shifted.

Ugh, she had me totally deconstructed here. I didn’t even feel right objectifying Kelcey like that. And when was the last time I didn’t feel right objectifying someone? Jesus Christ.

“Uh… yeah, I guess,” I mumbled.

“ You guess. I don’t think you’re that ambivalent about it, based on how desperately you’re trying to get someone to fill the hole she left.”

Ugh, that was such an easy setup for a sex joke, but I couldn’t even bring myself to make it. I groaned into my coffee. “Okay, firstly, shut up. Secondly… shut up some more. Thirdly…” I picked at the hem of my dress. “Yeah. I would. But I know I went and burned that bridge.”

“Really depends on how much you want to commit to it. Kelcey’s so far from ever having gotten over you. And you could probably be really happy together, if you think you could be what she wants. So I’m not asking you if you guess that maybe you’d get around to trying if it meant you got to fuck her.”

“What do you want me to say, that I’m desperately in love with her and spend my days dreaming of her? That I’d do anything for a chance?”

“Yeah, actually.”

“Ew.” I downed the rest of my coffee, setting it down, pointedly looking at anything other than Anna. Ew didn’t come naturally this time. What came naturally was… thinking about Kelcey. How embarrassing. “Look, I’m… sorry about the event. I won’t show up at your events anymore.”

“Yeah? You actually mean that?”

“Yeah… and even if I’m ever planning on going back on my word, you can always just tell me Kelce is going to be at a given event and I’ll run away. Doesn’t even have to be true.”

“Ha.” She rolled her eyes through a little smile, punching me lightly on the unbruised shoulder. “Giving me the secret weapon, huh?”

“I’m just saying. Turns out that girl’s got some strength in her. Guess taekwondo sticks with you.”

She arched an eyebrow. “ Kelcey Huntington did taekwondo?”

“Yeah, when she was little, her parents had her go for a few years. Apparently she actually really liked it, but she says she was never any good at it. Bet she’d be good if she picked it up again now. Or judo.”

“That girl never stops surprising me… first she’s apparently a pro at tracking down contractors and now she did taekwondo.”

I stopped. “Uh… contractors, huh?”

“Yeah, put her on a job with some independent work and some margin of error, so she could get through some stuff and improve on her own, but apparently she didn’t need the margin of error. Had a contractor in mind and a sample script before the day was out and they’ve already gone and signed contracts less than a week later.”

Weird. Wonder who the contractor was. Probably some absolute piece of shit woman and her boss who’s a little annoying. “She’s a lot smarter than she seems at first,” I said. “Girl’s pretty clever.”

“Uh-huh. You should say that to her. She still carries the scars of you telling her how she’s dumb and only good for her body.”

“I didn’t mean it like—” I shifted, my whole body prickling. “It wasn’t like that.”

“I know. You were just trying to make her hate you,” she said coolly. “Instead you made her hate herself.”

Well, that hurt. I’d probably have preferred she split my skull with a sledgehammer than say that, but I guess here we were. “I didn’t… mean for it to be like that.”

“Then fix it,” she said, looking idly out the window.

“I don’t know how. ”

“You’re a smart woman, Veronica. You can figure it out yourself.”

“ Smart? You’re calling me smart? Jesus, woman, I thought maybe you were smart until now.”

“You can’t hide forever behind those kinds of comments.”

Ugh. What if I really wanted to? What then? Did she think about that? No, of course she didn’t. She never thought about that.

“First I get beaten up with a Christmas tree and now you come in to beat me up emotionally too.”

“Trust me, I’m of half a mind to beat you up physically, too.” She sighed, relaxing, and she gave me a thin smile. “I’m going to say the thing you hate the most now.”

I winced. “Oh, god. What is it?”

“You’re my sister and I love you—”

“Ew—”

“—and I want you to be happy. And I’m happy for you if you’re with a man or a woman or… or anyone else. But I think you and Kelcey would be happy. If you could get over yourself a little.”

“Ugh.” I put my head in my hands. “Gross. Gross, gross. Don’t look at me. Don’t talk to me. Uh… thanks,” I mumbled, and I stood up. “Let me clean up my mess.”

“I can handle a mug or two. You should get back and rest your shoulder.”

“I’m cleaning up. I don’t like to apologize, so I’ll do random things for you instead. Do you want me to clean your bathroom or something?”

She sighed. “Sure. I hate scrubbing. Take a raincheck for when your shoulder is better, though.”

I hadn’t expected her to say yes. I should have offered to clean a different room. I didn’t mind a little elbow grease scrubbing, but it didn’t take a genius to piece together how much Anna and Lucy were into shower sex.

Well, whatever. The more suffering, the more I’d feel absolved. Maybe I needed to offer to clean Kelcey’s bathroom too.