PROLOGUE

THREE MONTHS AGO

Z OEY

I tapped on the doorframe and waited until the man sitting behind the desk looked up before I asked, “You wanted to see me?”

“Come in and have a seat,” he ordered before he looked down at the papers in front of him again.

I’d known the captain my entire life, so it wasn’t hard to read his face. I had been dreading this day for three months now, but somehow thought I’d have more time. If I’d worked harder, trained more, did more reps at the gym, I could’ve avoided this conversation. From the look on Chief Cardenas’ face, I knew that none of it mattered. My hard work had been for nothing. All the time I’d spent in the gym and being tortured by my physical therapist was for nothing.

Everything I’d dreamed about for my entire life was about to be taken away from me, all because some asshole who couldn’t obey the fucking law decided to add one more crime to his rap sheet and attack me for pulling him over.

I tried my hardest to disguise my limp as I walked into the room but winced when I turned to shut the door. I took a second to catch my breath and then turned around to face my future with my head held high. I could figure out how to fix this. I could make this work. I just needed more time.

“Zoey, I want to tell you how proud I am to be your chief,” Nick said as he picked up the pen laying on the papers in front of him and held onto it like a lifeline. “I have never been more proud of any officer under my command than I have of you.”

“Thank you! I’ve been working harder than ever these last three months, and I think I’m almost there.”

“Zoey, you know that’s not the case,” Nick said sadly before he looked down at his desk.

“I need more time. I can make it work, Uncle Nick,” I said pleadingly, falling back on what I had called the man before I joined the Rojo Police Department as a new recruit dead set on passing every test he threw at me during training. “You’ve always said that I’m too stubborn for my own good, so you know I can do anything I set my mind to.”

“You can, Zozo,” he said, falling back into the familiar family dynamic that we had always avoided while at work. “You can do anything you set your mind to, but there are some things that are too far out of your control for you to fix.”

“I can fix me,” I insisted. “I can work harder and get back to my old self, I just need more time.”

“You can’t pass the physical exam, Zoey. As much as it fucking kills me to say this, you’re never going to be able to, no matter how hard you try.”

“I can do it! I’ve never backed down from a challenge, and I’m not about to start now.”

“It’s not your will that’s the problem, Zoey. Even if you manage to get your strength back in your leg and pass the physical exam, I can’t send you back out into the field with your diagnosis.”

“I am fine, Nick,” I said angrily.

“Your neurological exam says otherwise,” he said sadly as he picked up the paper in front of him. “You’re still suffering from headaches . . .”

“Everyone gets fucking headaches!”

“Your vision comes and goes depending on your stress level and other symptoms . . .”

“I’ll wear my glasses all the time! I’ll get contacts! Lots of the guys wear contacts on duty!”

“Your balance is off-kilter, and it has nothing to do with your leg, Zoey.”

“The doctor said it could be my inner ear, and there are therapies that can help that,” I argued.

“They can help it, but they can’t cure it.”

“Don’t take this away from me yet, Uncle Nick,” I begged. “Give me some more time to work, and I promise I’ll . . .”

“Zoey, I can’t.” Nick’s voice cracked, and he took a deep breath before he said, “The department will take care of you with long-term disability and . . .”

I slammed my hand down on the desk and yelled, “I don’t give a fuck about the money!”

Nick’s face changed as he tilted his head, studying my face as I tried to calm down. Finally, he said, “I was trying to avoid mentioning it, but you leave me no choice, Zozo.”

“What?” I snapped.

“The changes to your personality . . .”

“I’ve been stressed!”

“Hear me out,” Nick ordered. “You’re not able to regulate your emotions as well as you used to, and you’ve become impulsive when you’re upset. The changes in your personality might fade, but while they’re this evident, I can’t let you go back on duty in any capacity in good conscience.”

“I’m working on that too,” I whispered as tears filled my eyes. “If you tell me I can never come back, then what’s the point of even trying to get better?”

“Because your life is yours to live, Zoey. Being a cop has never even been the most interesting thing about you. You’re a great friend, a wonderful daughter, a leader in your club, and a woman who will put her neck out and give her entire heart to someone who needs it. All of those things made you a great cop.”

“Made. Past tense. What good are all those things going to do for me now?” I asked bitterly.

“They’re still part of you whether they’re accompanied by a badge or not.”

“I just need more time.”

“I’m not going to shut the door on your return completely, Zoey. If I do that, then your income will fizzle out after a while. However, I can’t guarantee that I’ll ever be able to bring you back at full capacity. After a little more therapy, maybe we can bring you in as a department liaison or . . .”

“A pity job.”

Nick’s head fell forward, and he sighed deeply before he said, “The last thing I want to give you is pity, Zozo. What I want to do is give you a life. You can’t figure out how to start living if you’re too busy working toward something that may never happen.”

“Being a cop has been my dream since I was in high school,” I choked out through my tears. “What will I do now?”

When the phone on his desk rang, the shrill sound made both of us jump. He snatched up the headset and barked out a greeting, taking his own frustration out on whoever was on the other end of the line.

I wished with all my heart that I could do that without people looking at me like I was about to break. However, since the attack, that seemed to be the way almost everyone treated me. I knew in my heart that they just wanted to help me get better because they felt so helpless when I was attacked, but their sympathy just made me feel worse somehow.

Chief, or I guess now I could go back to just calling him Nick every time I saw him, kept glancing over at me while he listened to whoever was on the other end of the line, but I knew that there was nothing left to say between us.

My career was over, and now I had to figure out what to do with my life even though I wasn’t sure it was even worth living right now.

I didn’t even try to disguise my limp as I walked around the chair toward the office door. Without so much as a glance over my shoulder or a word of goodbye, I walked out of the office. I kept my head down, not wanting to look up at the people milling around in the bullpen. I was sure that everyone knew what was going on but would still try to be cheerful when there really wasn’t anything to be cheerful about.

I quickly made my way to the front door since I was no longer an employee who could use the side entrance but had to stop when someone stood in front of me and then stepped in front of me again when I tried to go around them.

I looked up and found Brawley Dumont, one of my oldest friends and the man who had been beside me through all of the trials and tribulations that I went through to become an officer. He was in uniform, but I could tell by his ruffled hair and the fresh bruise on his jaw that he had already worked his shift. When he didn’t smile or crack a joke, I knew without a doubt that he was aware of the conversation I’d just had with the chief.

“We’ve both had a shit day, Zozo. How about a drink?”

“I can’t think of anything I want more right now.”

◆◆◆

I came awake with a jolt, worried that I might throw up before I could get to the bathroom. That seemed to be a trend lately, but I blamed it on my leg - something that I had started to do with just about everything.

When I tried to roll over, there was something - no, someone - in my way. I pressed my lips together and tried to piece last night together to figure out who was in my bed but came up blank. I remembered taking one last shot with the bartender at my new favorite dive bar, a guy named Rick who I’d become pretty good buddies with over the last few months, before I walked out into the cold night air. It had sobered me up enough to think that I should probably call an Uber, but, of course, my stubbornness won out. I walked home, pretending that it was for my physical therapy and not because I was too drunk to drive.

I remembered getting woozy about six blocks from the bar and then getting tripped up by a crack in the sidewalk before I fell to my knees, which sucked because getting up from that position had gotten harder since I quit going to my physical therapy appointments.

Somewhere on the edge of my memory was a woman. She had a voice I recognized but couldn’t place. I had a flash and saw her hand held out toward me, probably to help me up, and then another image of her staring at me angrily before everything went blank again.

I let out a breath and reached up to rub my hand over my face as I tried to talk myself into opening my eyes. I’d been sensitive to light since my attack, but that sensitivity was a hundred times worse the morning after I tied one on, which had been every single morning lately. I brushed my hair away from my face and grimaced when I realized there was something in it - most likely vomit because it seemed like puking in my sleep had become a new hobby, as dangerous as it may be.

When my hand dropped back down onto the bed, I felt the blanket beneath me and registered that not only was I not alone, but I wasn’t in my own bed either.

I bit back a groan and tried my hardest to remember something . . . anything . . . that might give me a clue about what I’d done last night after I left the bar, but again, I came up empty.

The person at my back moved, probably awakened by me, and I wondered if they had the same problem I did. I hoped so because whatever had happened last night needed to stay in the dark recesses of everyone’s mind because I didn’t want to pretend it meant anything to me. Hell, it obviously didn’t because I couldn’t remember any details, which was terrifying in and of itself.

Waking up in a strange bed with a stranger next to me was a new low, even for me. I’d done some stupid shit in the last few months, but nothing quite as stupid as this. My mind reeled with what might have happened last night, but before I could fall into the abyss of worry and regret, I took stock of the aches and pains in my body that might give me a better idea of exactly what had occurred.

I ran my hand down the front of my shirt until I finally touched the waistband of my jeans, which I was happy to find were not missing. Luckily, they weren't even unbuttoned, which didn’t mean much in the grand scheme of things, but it did give me some hope that I’d kept my clothes on.

“I wasn’t about to get you undressed, even to clean off the puke, because the last thing in this world that I want to see is you in your underwear.”

My eyes flew open at the sound of my cousin’s voice, but I slammed them closed again when the light hit, wincing at the pain it caused, before I asked, “What’s going on?”

I was even more surprised when Marla didn’t answer. Instead, it was Gracy that said, “That’s a good fucking question, isn’t it?”

“I’d say that’s the biggest one,” our friend Janis chimed in.

“Where am I?” I asked. Before anyone could answer, I muttered, “I’m in Hell. The only thing that could make it worse would be . . .”

“If you say my name, I’m going to kick your ass,” Lark, the co-president of my MC, grumbled from behind me. “You better leave Rain out of this, too, because she’s just as pissed as I am.”

“Yep,” I heard Rain, the other woman in charge of our MC, agree from somewhere in the room.

“Well, it seems like the gang’s all here,” I said with fake cheer. Even though the thought of it made me want to vomit even more than I already did, I asked, “Who wants to go have some breakfast?”

“Close the blinds so she can open her eyes,” Lark ordered. Someone heeded her command, and I knew what was coming next before she even said, “I want you to be able to see what’s coming when I start beating the shit out of you.”

“Breakfast sounds better,” I muttered before I cracked my eyes open and looked around. “Where in the hell am I?”

“You were at your new bestie’s house,” Janis fumed. “The one you made swear that she wouldn’t call any of us after she found you.”

“Well, so much for that budding friendship. Obviously, I can’t trust her,” I retorted sarcastically even though I had no idea who Janis was talking about.

“What I want to know is how often has this happened that we didn’t find out about?” Gracy asked. “I know of two other times recently when you got stumbling drunk, and this is a third, but . . .”

“Oh, look! Tad learned to count,” I interrupted. “You said I was . . . wherever, so that means I’m not there anymore.” I opened my eyes a little wider and asked, “Are we at Em’s?”

“Yep,” Rain said again, probably because when she was this angry it was best that she not speak in full sentences because she’d probably start yelling.

“Why are we at Emerald’s office? How did I get here?” I propped myself up on my elbow before I asked, “What the fuck is going on?”

“I believe in the world of mental health, this is what you’d call an intervention,” Gracy said helpfully, her voice dripping sarcasm. “As far as the answer to how you got here, we had your brother carry you inside.”

“Fuck,” I hissed before I let myself fall onto my back, bumping into Lark when I did. “Who called my brother?”

“Brawley,” Rain answered angrily.

I blew out a long breath and said, “Just go ahead and start yelling Rain. I know the restraint is probably killing you.”

“If she starts yelling, then I’ll start yelling, the rest of the girls will chime in, and it will be utter chaos.”

“I just want to get it over with so I can go home and shower,” I admitted. “Come on. Hit me with both barrels, and let’s move on.”

Lark’s face appeared above mine, and she glared at me before she said, “You’ll shower here and then talk to Emerald. She’s going to help you get your shit straight and figure out what we need to do to help get you back on track.”

“Not necessary. I drank too much, but I’m fine now. I won’t do it again.”

“Oh, it’s necessary,” Marla pressed. “And if you put up a fucking fuss about it, I’ll call Aunt Carlie and rat your ass out in a heartbeat.”

“The last thing my parents need is to worry about me even more than they already do.”

“What’s the last thing we need?” Rain yelled. “Do you think we can’t see what’s going on with you? Do you think we’re not worried about you? Do you think we don’t care?”

“It’s not like I’m an alcoholic, Rain.”

“If you’re not already, then you’re well on your way,” Marla spat.

“Binge drinking and getting blackout drunk are not things that a person without issues does on a regular basis, Zozo,” Tad said sadly. “You need help.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t see it sooner,” Lark said, her voice resigned and just as somber as Tad’s. “We’re here now, though, okay?”

“Don’t start being nice to me now,” I scoffed. “Keep yelling.”

“If we yell, then you’ll just yell back, and none of us will hear anything,” Rain said as she dropped to her knees beside the bed.

With Lark on one side and Rain on the other, I had nowhere to go . . . even if I had the energy to try.

“We’re here now, Zozo, and we’re gonna help you whether you want us to or not,” Marla said as she sat on the edge of the bed by my knee.

“I don’t know how you can help me if I don’t even know what I’m doing,” I admitted. “My whole life changed in an instant, and I don’t know how to fix it.”

“We’ll fix it together,” Lark said firmly. “Now, get your ass up, take a shower, put on some clean clothes, and get back out here and let us help you, okay?”

“Maybe I don’t deserve help anymore.”

“You’re a Queen and always will be,” Rain said with tears in her eyes.

Lark was just as emotional when she said, “We all fall down, Zozo, it’s what we do when we get up that matters.”

I heard someone sniff and looked over to find Emerald Hamilton, one of our extended family that we referred to as “the elders.” She gave me a watery smile before she said, “Looks like you’ve rediscovered your foundation, Zozo. Now it’s my job to help you build on it.”

And somehow, even though I still had no idea what the future held for me, I knew that with the help and support of not just the women here, but all of my friends and family in Rojo, I’d find my way.

Even a Queen had doubts and fears, but surrounded by a group like this, I had no doubt that I’d find my crown again and be able to wear it proudly.