8. Jed

EIGHT

JED

I froze and freaked out the moment Zane and I were disturbed, uncertain on how to handle the situation as we were just starting to unravel so much between the two of us. I tried to calm myself, slowing my breathing hoping that Cole and Ashton wouldn’t start to ask any questions. I mean the two of them were out in the dark alone, but everyone knew they were the best of friends together. It wouldn’t seem strange at all for them to be making their way for a drink whereas Zane and I—well that was another question. It wasn’t like the two of us were close or really talked. In reality we were two people who knew of each other, but in other people's eyes that's all it is.

I’d taken a risk telling him exactly how I felt, but at that moment I’d never experienced the freedom of being so free in my life after lifting that weight from shoulders, all for the moment to be destroyed by fear and anxiety. My mind instantly started swirling with many thoughts until I get to the stage where I felt the twinge of a headache started. I couldn’t risk one of them knowing my secret and revealing it out in public before I had the chance to accept what I wanted the next move to be.

It made me question why I had even pulled that move and revealed as much as I had. What if he didn’t believe me or feel the same? Even worse—I cringed at the thought—that he made tonight into a joke, and the next time I walked into work I was the laughing stock of the group. In my heart though I knew Zane wouldn’t do that to me as he showed he respected and cared about me with a fierce loyalty I’d seen in no other. I just had to believe I wasn’t misinterpreting the vision I had as I swallowed down the panic and attempted to accept the evening and what might have been.

One thing was for certain, I needed to accept that standing proud and admitting to the world how I truly felt wasn’t something so far away from the realms of reality. Maybe, tonight was the first step in that journey I had to take.

I know the excuse to the guys may have rolled off the tip of my tongue and potentially been one that raised suspicions seeing as I rarely revealed details of my private life. I know they knew I occasionally saw my parents, but also that whenever I came back from that visit my attitude had changed. I found that being dragged into the depths of the life I used to be part of made me contemplate everything through a hard-night of alcohol—Zane had obviously been on the receiving end of that conversation.

Tomorrow though, was a different kind of expectation and excitement all together as my stepbrother West was in the area finalizing a stock purchase for his business up on the mountain range where he worked. He was someone I only saw on a very rare occasion—normally when one of us needed each other. It was nice for the two of us to finally catch up and unwind together. We will spend the time catching up on what was happening in each other's lives.

The two of us were actually quite alike in opinions and thoughts, but West had the guts to cut away and make his opinion known about his faith and lifestyle choices. He was openly gay. Proud, and a happy guy, stating that if his parents couldn’t accept him for who he was then it was their issue and not his.

I had been having fretful sleep most nights, unable to settle to any sort of long-term sleep. I’d wake often panicking and questioning myself throughout the night in a pile of sweat. Tonight was no different, in the end I gave up after a couple of hours and decided to deep clean the house and keep myself busy. I didn’t recognize the place by the time morning arrived and I slumped down on the sofa, taking in my handiwork I’d undertaken as I glanced at the clock and read the time.

“Better get a fucking move on or I’ll be late,” I uttered to myself, rubbing my hands across my eyes, trying to remove the sleep and wake myself up. “Right shower time, a bite to eat on the way out of the house and then jump on the subway,” I said, listing the order of things I needed to do, knowing I had just over an hour to reach Arlo’s Coffee and Roast. “Yep, I better send him a message and tell him to get the drinks in, as I may be slightly late.”

I can’t believe how easily I had lost track of time listening to my music through my headphones as I cleaned away, trying to keep the noise on low, so I didn’t have any neighbors banging on the door. That was the last thing I needed—to form enemies with the local neighborhood. I somehow managed to get myself into some sort of acceptable state to face people and be seen in public, before I grabbed the, now cold slice of toast, and bit into it. I’d made it whilst in the shower. I like cold toast, I eat it most days, I left my apartment and made my way to the subway.

I gave myself a pat on the back for jogging for the last few minutes as I made the connection just with seconds to spare before the doors closed, but with the consequence of having to stay standing up for the length of the journey. Ten minutes later, I arrived at the station I needed to depart from and made the few minutes walk to Arlo’s Coffee & Roast.

I walked in through the front door to meet the holler of West sitting at the far side of the coffee shop, causing a few heads to turn my way. I waved at Arlo as he took an order to a table and made my way to the table West had decided to occupy. I kept my head low as Ashton walked past with a tray of coffees—most probably for Maxwell, Cole and the other executives, hoping he wouldn’t single me out as I noticed West turning his position slightly and covering his face.

Hmm… what a coincidence. I shook my head and buried that information for later on, wondering if I’d just imagined that moment.

“Bro,” I announced the moment I reached him as he pushed his chair backwards to stand up, outstretching his arms for a hug from me. I stepped into them and patted his shoulder before stepping back and pulling my chair out to sit down. “It’s so good to see you. You’re looking well.”

“Thanks, man,” he chuckled, a sharp burst of laughter into the air. “I’ve already ordered the drinks. So, they won’t be long,” he said.

Just at that moment, one of the new assistants who had started in the coffee shop brought across a tray consisting of two drinks and a pastry each. It was like he managed to read my mind as my stomach instantly growled at that slice of toast being nowhere near enough to fill me up.

“Thanks,” I uttered to the server as he gave us a large smile before he placed the drinks on the table and took the empty tray back to the service hatch. “Seems like the new guys doing okay,” I commented.

“Yeah, I don’t know about that,” West said before indicating with his head the way he was now shifting the weight between his feet and glancing for confirmation from Arlo at every opportunity. “I bet Arlo’s gutted he let you go.”

“Maybe he’s just having a trial run.” I shrugged my shoulders and return to his answer. “I’m the first to admit that I was an absolute fool when I first started working here. I didn’t have a clue what I was doing and relied heavily on the support of the people around me,” I said to him before I blew the top of my extra hot flat white, attempting to cool it slightly and taking a small sip. “He’s doing well in my opinion, and managing all that is expected of the role. Anyhow, how are things going with you? Have you seen much of the parents— well your mother to be exact?”

“You must be joking,” West replied, raising his eyebrow at me. “It’s their choice and I can’t condone them for what they believe, but I won’t allow them to force me into religion and to fit with their conformity,” he blurted out quickly as if he was trying to control his anger from exploding. “My dad on the other hand has been great about the whole situation and our bond has started to increase.” He shrugged his shoulders. “It’s taken many years to even be able to manage being in the same room together.”

I nodded at West’s response, knowing how hard it has been over the years for him having had a limited connection with his real father, and then being thrown into the mix of our lives when his mother married my dad. The sudden change of having to live within a blended family rather than just occasionally seeing them was a huge shock to the system, one in which the two of us didn’t deal with well at first. It was a real turn of events for the four of us to get used to. Especially when his mother and my father started trying to inflict the wheel of God on us at every opportunity so we broke off and realized how alike we actually were. West and I seemed to just click and understand each other as our parents became the faces of our local church. It wasn’t the hand in which two teenage guys expected to be dealt. We wanted to enjoy late nights on the beach and exploring the local town we lived in. Instead, we ended up in bible classes and sermons with punishments if we acted out. The only time normality hit was at school or when we were supporting one another to escape being at home for some reason. It ended up with the two of us conspiring together to escape anything that meant we would be forced to listen to an opinion that we did not believe in. At the end of day, it was our minds and our choice to believe or not to believe. Whether they agreed with us or not. It was only as we got older the disappointment of our actions was thrust more in our faces and we were made to feel belittled and small, something that a loved one should never make you feel.

That was the cut off point for West and made him commit to forming a new life for himself, one in which I also had to do for myself now. I could no longer accept and go along with their opinions just to placate them—scared that they’d no longer want me in their lives like they had inflicted on to West. He rarely saw them now unless it was necessary. Normally, it was when it involved a family friend, or event that he couldn’t turn down. When he did, it was forced and the time together filled with animosity and tension.

I had to live for me… I deserve freedom.

“What’s going on in your mind?” West interrupted my tumbling thoughts as I double blinked and focused on him, not realizing he must have been trying to grab my attention as I drifted aimlessly off into space thinking about how our pasts are valid even to this day. “You seem lost.”

“I am, if I’m being honest,” I admitted to him, concentrating on the patterns that were swirling within my coffee cup over the inquisitive gaze that I knew would be protruding my way. You see, West had a habit of unknowingly being able to look deep into my soul and make me want to tell him everything that was on my mind. At this moment, though, I don’t know what had overcome me. I didn’t need to look at his piercing gaze to actually want to reveal what I was dealing with and talk to him. “It’s a mess, man. My life is just one huge screw up and I just don’t know what to do for the best.”

“I’ve nowhere else I have to be, bro. So why don’t we start from the beginning?” West replied with an air of sincerity in his tone. “Shall I get us another round of drinks in?”

“Sounds perfect to me,” I replied as West stood up and squeezed my shoulder. I stopped him in his tracks, placing my hand over his. “Thanks bro,” I said quickly trying to hold my composure. “I really mean that.”

I have never been so nervous as I spilled out all my concerns and panics that I had been dealing with recently. I whispered at a mouse's level, ensuring that no one overheard the conversation. I was certain one of the guys, or a neighbor of Zane’s would overhear what I had to say, and then it would be game over. I wouldn’t have a choice in what to do but have my hand forced into a decision.

West just sat eating his food and take the odd sip of his drink while he listened to me confessing about my emotions until I finally finished. Then I finally took a breath.

“You know what my thoughts are man,” West said being blunt and to the point as fucking usual. “Fuck them, and think of yourself for once,” he uttered, stealing his gaze on me. “Why should you have to live up to their expectations and suppress your own?” he blurted out in a ramble. “What else can I say? Just go and get your man.”

“But—” I said as West shook his head at me instantly making me pause.

“There’s nothing else to say. No reason to question yourself.” West looked at me. “Tell him what you need him to know. You never know he could be the one.”

“There’s only one problem with that,” I replied to him, swallowing harshly as I cocked my head to the side. “I already know he is.”