7. Zane

SEVEN

ZANE

You’d think after spending my day helping promote and raise awareness of how meaningful, not only this start of a tradition for our community is but also the importance behind the fundraising for a charity so consequential to everyone, I’d be exhausted. That I would want to go back to my place and crash for the evening, watch a series on the television that never seemed to end, but I was obsessed with watching anyway as I ate takeout food and had a beer. You’d be wrong. I was anything but tired, or wanting to calm my speed down for the night. I’d somehow had a new unleash of life and needed to keep myself busy.

If I was honest, I’d normally sketch—draw—do something that helped enhance my skills when my mind was so encaptured and busy with thoughts that wouldn’t stop. Today though I needed to go back to that Christmas Wishing Tree and hold that bauble in my hands—attempting to make some sort of connection with the person who had written those words.

I couldn’t deny that something pulled me toward the person behind the message and I didn’t know what that was. The way my heart clenched at the words and the rainbow thread tying it rather than the snowflake white ribbon others had—something deep down was calling me to pursue the mission of connecting with whoever it was. The thing was that the chance of that was minimal at best—it was why anonymity had been included for participation to allow anyone to join in without the knowledge of others knowing their business. I knew that, now daylight had gone, and darkness was creeping up upon us, that the chance of someone being around the tree would be minimal after the long day that had happened.

I held my breath for the whole time I walked in the direction towards the twinkling lights that shone across the Christmas Wishing Tree that illuminated its presence for the whole community. Even though it was a dull, cold evening I wrapped up and thought about the objective at hand and how I could try to capture something about the person who had written their message hoping to unveil their identity.

The closer I approached the Christmas Wishing Tree, the sooner I realized that I wasn’t alone.

My initial thought was to back away and return at another time, giving the person there the privacy they needed at that moment, but something had caught my attention and had tethered my feet to continue moving forward.

I was glad I did as my breath hitched, realizing the form before me was one I knew every inch of—one I didn’t expect to meet here of all places.

The man that made every part of me burn with a passion that the flickering flames could never be tamed and instead encaptured everything in its wake.

I gulped down the lump in my throat knowing that my plans would have to be rearranged for the evening but couldn’t stop myself from approaching him. The opportunity of having even a few moments in his presence would be the topping to my whole evening—as his raspy voice flowed through my ears and ignited every nerve ending within my body.

“Hi,” I cautiously interrupted him as my voice wobbled with the uncertainty of the reaction, I could potentially receive for the interruption to his time alone. “I…”

I heard the thud of a bauble dropping to the ground and my gaze instantly traveled to the floor as Jed’s gaze caught mine. The shell-shocked expression on his face was cutting me deep in the chest as his darkened eyes instantly avoided me. An instantaneous inhale of breath sounded loudly in the silence of the night, as he reached for the bauble on the floor. It was an attempt to hide it, but it was too late, I’d seen it all. The flickering lights had made me question if I’d really seen it with my own eyes, or if I was imagining the bauble I’d seen. It could have been a bomb that had exploded at that moment knowing the magnitude of the moment.

“Jed… I can leave if you want me to,” I began, hoping that in my heart he wouldn’t push me away like the multiple times before. I wanted to hold onto that sliver of hope that maybe this time he’d finally have the strength to accept that I would not give up any time soon. That I would continue trying to get him to give me a chance, to show him how we were both meant to be together, despite the obstacles that stood in our way. “I don’t want to?—”

“I…” he began as he turned on his heel to face me, holding the bauble within his hands. The tension was strained and taught within our body language as the two of us faced off in preparation, of wondering who’d break the silence between us. “Zane…”

“Tell me,” I challenged him. “Don’t hide from this anymore. Say whatever you need to say to me,” I continued. “Jed, it’s about the here and now…” I paused for a second contemplating how to say the next part without him running for the hills. “The future can be dealt with when it needs to be, but it would be better and easier together.” I uttered hoping that it gave him a view of what I was thinking.

“But—” Jed began dropping his gaze lower. “I…”

“Just speak from the heart,” I whispered, taking a step toward him in an attempt to close the huge gap that currently existed between us—both physically and mentally. “It’s time to open those emotions wide into the world, and stop burying them away otherwise they’ll just eat you up from the inside out destroying all the goodness you have in its wake.”

“Read it.” Jed sighs loudly, holding out the bauble for me to grasp in a shaking palm. “This will tell you all you need to know that's spinning around in my mind,” he uttered as his voice wobbled with the words he had shared, as he untangled the threaded rainbow bracelet and slipped it back onto his wrist. “It will reveal the inner me that I have been hiding away.”

My heart jumped a beat at the realization of Jed’s action as he slipped the bracelet back onto his wrist. The secrecy of the words written within that bauble and the connection I had sensed from the moment I read them, now made complete sense to me as I gazed at the sexy man who had managed to keep me locked in a spin for so long. No wonder I had been drawn to the bauble—wanting to know who the person behind it was. It was because I already knew him and desired him with all my heart.

“No!” I exclaimed a little more harshly than I originally attended to, my cheeks heating up from the sudden outburst as I composed myself, hoping that the pink tinge wasn’t bright and visible, which I knew normally accompanied my embarrassed states. “I want to hear the words from you, Jed. Not some handwritten piece of paper you wanted to dispose of.”

“How did you know that?” Jed cut in before noticing the whole scene around him and nodding his head. “Ah…” He glanced at me. “It’s all so obvious now,” he continued and I stepped forward again and completely closed the gap between us allowing me to inhale the breath as he spoke to me. “I want you, but I’m scared…” he whispered as my breathing began to increase thinking about all the ways I’d imagined this moment and this didn’t even come close. “My soul is tethered to yours. My heartbeat increases to the state I’m unsure if it’ll explode out of my chest, but I encase it down within the hidden depths of darkness.”

“Jed…” I began as he placed his hand on my shoulder making my breath hitch. “It’s…”

“Let me continue,” Jed licked his lips and my knees trembled at how close and near his lips were to mine. I just needed to close the gap between our mouths and consume him. Those lips were teasing me… That mouth is so hot and sexy… “I have to deal with a constant battle daily, knowing that if I allow myself to have what I desired then I tear that relationship down with my family,” he mumbled as I heard the slight sob release, making me just want to gather him up in my arms and hold him close, letting him know everything would be fine. That I would solve all his problems and concerns through my love and affection. “I don’t know how I could live with myself if I…”

“Hey guys…,” Cole shouted out, jogging across the green with his friend Ashton as the two of us averted our eyes instantly and pulled apart. The walls around Jed instantly appeared as he acted like nothing had happened between us, and the admittance he’d just shared never occurred as he quickly placed his bauble back on the tree. “Are you just adding your support for the charity?” he asked as the two of us nodded to him. “Maxwell insisted that I popped down, but you know he didn’t say how long to be gone…” he chuckled as Ashton fist bumped him. “Thought that the two of us could have a beer or two before making our way back.”

“Well, it’s a workday tomorrow,” Ashton cut in. “Don’t think the boss would appreciate two fucked up employees.”

“You know I think I could talk him around.” Cole let out a laugh as Ashton nudged him. “A promise goes a long way.”

“I bet it does.” Ashton shook his head at the thought. “Last thing I want to imagine is you and Maxwell…” he babbled, placing his hands into his jeans pockets and crossing his ankles. “I know I should be used to the two of you by now,” he continued before turning to us. “You want to come and join us? I mean there’s plenty of room.”

“I don’t know man,” Jed stated to the two of them. The instant change in his behavior hit me like a sledgehammer to the face as he retreated into himself. “I have a busy day tomorrow and I have some family visiting,” he admitted as his cheeks colored slightly and he lifted his hood up to try and cover himself from scrutiny. “We’ll catch up soon,” he uttered before forcing his way past us and walking at double pace to get away from us all.

“Is everything alright between the two of you?” Cole asked inquisitively as he narrowed his gaze low and flitted his gaze between me and the guy who’d just excused himself from our company. Normally Jed would be the first person to be lining the shots up for the night; not making excuses to avoid a night out. “Its just things seemed?—”

“All’s fine,” I interrupted him, before patting him on the shoulder, attempting to ease the growing tension that was building between us. The desire within me to admit the truth to Cole and Ashton was high, but I just couldn’t break the faith and confidence he had just revealed to me. “I think he’d just got a lot going on at the minute,” I replied as the two guys nodded. “I better be off too though,—I’m opening up tomorrow and I haven’t prepared anything I need for the day ahead.” I lied, hoping my features were impassive enough that they didn’t feel the need to question me any further.

“Okay… but you know you can reach out to one of us,” Cole replied as Ashton nodded his head in response. “It’s hard when you have to deal with a lot of things and feel alone.”

“That’s true,” Ashton mumbled. “I know, though, sometimes you have to deal with what’s happening yourself, before reaching out.” His gaze met mine with a level of understanding that made me think about what he was dealing with himself. It wasn’t the time or place for me to delve deeper into that minefield, though, for him—hopefully Cole would be the guy who started that conversation. I needed to deal with what I had learned tonight and think about what the next steps for the two of us were. The last thing I wanted was for him to retreat backwards and push me away.

I waved goodbye to the guys, and started my trek back to the apartment. I took a second to stop and glance at the flickering tree over my shoulder and made a promise to myself.

Jed may have made a Christmas wish, but so did I—it was time to believe that maybe this year they will both come true.