Chapter 1

one

I t was an unremarkable Tuesday.

Just another boring day in a very long line of extremely boring days.

Ozzie Silverman had been working in his home office since eight o’clock this morning, taking calls and answering emails from frantic clients who couldn’t get their devices to work properly. It was a lot of instructing them to turn said devices off and back on again, reminding them that the gear icon was for settings, and getting their printers connected, the first step of which was usually reminding them that the printer needed to be on in order to function.

Over and over and over again.

Turn on printer, restart computer, turn printer on, adjust brightness in settings, and oh, look, another case of turning the printer on before trying to print a document.

The monotony of IT support was torturous, and he was greatly looking forward to his lunch break.

His stomach growled so loudly that he was afraid the clients on the other side of the line would hear it. He finished up with a woman who insisted she’d deleted her internet when all she had done was remove the desktop shortcut for her browser, and was delighted to see it was almost time to escape.

His brother, Derrick, would be here any minute with lunch and hopefully some snacks.

Since Ozzie had started working from home, his brother would swing by at least once a week to eat and catch up. They’d been best friends for all their lives, and they could chat about anything and everything. It was a time just for the two of them, and honestly, these visits were the extent of Ozzie’s social life.

Even when he’d worked in a physical office building, Ozzie hadn’t been very friendly with his coworkers. His disposition was naturally a bit sour, his social anxiety was awful, and he’d be much happier at home, getting smoked out on his couch while watching cartoons.

Dating had never been his strong suit, not even a little, and he could count the dates he’d been on with just two hands. His nerves had always been a hindrance, and his self-esteem wasn’t exactly great either. That had been an issue since middle school thanks to an often one-sided battle with his weight.

It was never-ending.

He’d eat because he was stressed or anxious, but then he’d get more anxious and upset because of his weight and keep eating, and the cycle continued on and on.

Even now as an adult, he was short, broad, too thick, and when thinking of his body hair, his immediate thought for comparison was a Chia pet. He kept himself clean-shaven because that was at least one area of fuzz he could control, and his dark wavy hair was cropped in a short cut with a few pieces just long enough to curl around his ears.

He wasn’t unhandsome.

Just…

Ordinary.

An average guy with an average job having an absolutely unremarkable life.

Who was currently stuck on the phone with a sweet old man who wanted to share every single inconvenience he’d experienced since birth.

Ozzie was desperately trying to wrap up the call which he assumed would end up as a bitch session about teenagers and texting, and he found himself zoning out. He wished he could be anywhere else. He wanted an adventure, some sort of glorious quest—not to listen to this man drone on about the time he bought yogurt and it was already expired.

Yes.

So exciting.

Wow, what a thrill.

When the doorbell rang, Ozzie hopped up from his chair and hurried down the hall to answer it. “Of course, Mr. Louis, times were definitely much simpler then, and it’s such a shame they wouldn’t take back that yogurt even after you’d eaten it,” he agreed with a grimace as he pulled the front door open to let his brother in. He pointed at his headset and rolled his eyes, gesturing for Derrick to come in.

Derrick was a big guy too, but he had the height to help carry it. He resembled a lumberjack with a big beard and a penchant for plaid. His arms were full of Tupperware, a coat Ozzie had forgotten over at Derrick’s place, and a fast-food bag. He rolled his eyes back when he saw Ozzie was still on the phone, hurrying inside so he could set everything down on the kitchen table.

“Yes, sir,” Ozzie said obediently, listening to the old man continue to ramble away. “I understand, sir.”

Derrick tapped his watch.

“Yes, sir. Now could—” Ozzie cringed as the gentleman interrupted him again. He shrugged helplessly at Derrick and pointed at his headset.

As loudly as he could, Derrick barked and whined like a dog.

Ozzie had to use every ounce of strength to keep from howling with laughter.

The old man on the phone fell silent for a moment and Ozzie took that small window to quickly say, “Mr. Louis, I’m so sorry to run, but it’s my lunch time, and my dog really needs to go out! I’m so glad we got your cell phone back on?—”

Derrick whined louder.

“Please call back if you have any other issues! Have a great day and thanks for calling Graham Tech Support!” Ozzie waited just long enough for a goodbye from the client so as not to seem rude, and then pushed the button to hang up the call. “Jesus, thanks.”

“No problem!” Derrick grinned. “You had that look on your face that said please rescue me .”

“Yes.” Ozzie sighed heavily and slipped the headset off. “So very much. I fixed his issue almost half an hour ago. His phone was in airplane mode.”

“I could not do your job. I’d get fired so quick.”

“You get used to it.” Ozzie chuckled. “I can usually tune them out.” His stomach gurgled. “What did you bring? I’m starving.”

“I grabbed Subway. Boring. But here’s the real treat. We got the full grandma goodies haul.” Derrick handed him the stack of Tupperware. “Snickerdoodle cookies, fudge, and brownies. And yes, those would be pentagrams made out of walnuts on the brownies.”

“No way! Aw, that’s fucking cool.” Ozzie’s heart immediately warmed.

While his family didn’t understand him turning from their traditions to pursue witchcraft, they supported him in his decision entirely. Sweet shows of support like this were common, and it always warmed his heart.

He opened the brownies to admire the pentagram. “That is pretty much the best thing I’ve ever seen.”

“She’s pretty proud of them. You need to text her and tell her. And yes, I said text.” Derrick chuckled. “Granny has learned the joy of smart phones, and now never wants to speak to anyone on the phone ever again”

“Text?” Ozzie laughed.

The mental image of his dear sweet grandmother squinting through her inch-thick glasses to text was pretty hilarious.

“That’s pretty awesome,” Ozzie said. “Maybe I’ll send her some emojis and really blow her mind.”

“Just be careful,” Derrick cautioned. “She’s still learning what all the different emojis mean. Like, she sent Mom a bunch of eggplants and a splash to tell her the eggplant parmesan was too soggy, so. Just don’t read too much into stuff.”

“Oh, no!” Ozzie cackled, closing his eyes tightly as his face scrunched up with horror. “No, that’s… Maybe we should get her a chart?”

“If you think it would help.”

“Worth a shot. Might save her from giving one of her old lady friends a heart attack.” Ozzie closed the container of brownies, choosing instead to go for the snickerdoodles. He grabbed two and offered one to Derrick. “These are what I’ve been waiting for.”

Derrick tapped his cookie against Ozzie’s. “Fuck yeah.”

Ozzie took a big bite and immediately groaned. “ This is what the holidays taste like.”

“Yeah.” Derrick shoved the entire cookie in his mouth. “Fuck, Granny is the best.”

“Agreed.” Ozzie headed to the fridge to get something to wash the cookie down with. He grabbed a can of cola, asking, “What do you want?”

“Soda’s fine.” Derrick plopped down at the breakfast table, opening up the fast-food bag to divvy out the subs and chips. “Make sure you text Granny and thank her. And I do mean text. If you call, she probably won’t answer.”

“I will.” Ozzie chuckled as he walked over to the table, passing Derrick a can of soda as he took his seat.

The idea of Granny ignoring his calls in favor of a text was amusing to say the least.

“So.” Ozzie opened his chips to munch on. “You all ready for Christmas?”

“Ready as I can be, I guess.” Derrick snorted. “You know me. Not a big fan of the holidays. Any of them.”

Ozzie nodded, mumbling through his chip, “I understand completely.”

“Mom will go overboard and end up crying because she says no one appreciates her. Dad will just sort of stand there and drink. Uncle Robert will also drink. Granny will laugh and make Mom cry harder…”

Ozzie grimaced.

Derrick wasn’t wrong.

While Ozzie loved his family, celebrating holidays with them was overwhelming. What Derrick was joking about wasn’t actually that far off from reality, and Ozzie always experienced a particular sense of dread thinking about heading over to his parents’ house for what was sure to be another guaranteed shit show.

“So.” Derrick paused to slurp his soda. “You’re still comin’, right?”

“And miss Mom telling us all we don’t love her? Wouldn’t miss it for the world.” Ozzie unwrapped his sandwich. “I’m gonna make those baked beans again. The ones Dad ate a whole pot of last year.”

“Nice. My girlfriend is gonna make her deviled eggs. And yes, before you ask, she’s gonna go ahead and make at least double what she did last year.”

“I hope half of those are just for me to bring home.” Ozzie grinned, taking a bite of his sandwich.

“Don’t worry. I’ll make sure you get hooked up.” Derrick chuckled. “So, uh, you got any plans for your solstice thing?”

“Yeah!” Ozzie smiled warmly. “I’m gonna do a little ritual here at the house. Light some candles, eat some food, and I even made a Yule log. It’s gonna be great.”

“What do you do with a Yule log?” Derrick blinked. “Is that like… a euphemism for something?”

“No!” Ozzie snorted out a laugh. “I mean, for light returning. But nothing sexual. It’s the shortest day of the year and the longest night, so it’s a celebration of light. It’s a time of reflection, waiting for the light to come back. Ancient pagans would burn giant logs to keep the party going for days and days. Some modern witches burn a small one, just light a candle, or there’s even a Yule log cake?—”

“So, there’s fire?”

“Oh yeah, there’s fire.” Ozzie grinned, pausing to finish off his sandwich. “Lots of fire. You’re welcome to come by and check it out. I’m gonna have a little bonfire out back, actually.”

“All right. Cool.” Derrick smirked. “Can you burn Granny’s fruitcake? That thing’ll probably burn up real nice.”

“The solstice is before Christmas and uh, pretty sure that would be nothing but a giant flaming lump of melted fruit mush. Fuckin’ gross.” Ozzie laughed. “Maybe she’ll get senile and forget to make it this year.”

“No such luck. Other than her lack of emoji knowledge, that woman is sharp as ever.” Derrick grimaced. “She’s already talking about bringing it to the damn party. And not just one, but two kinds. Two! How are we supposed to make two of those things disappear, huh? Not even the damn dog will eat it.”

“ Two ? Why? What other flavors could there possibly be?”

“Suck and extra suck.”

“Maybe, we can uh…” Ozzie hummed. “Donate them to the homeless? Could feed a village with one.”

“Pretty sure that’s like, inhumane or something. There’s laws against that.”

“Can we call someone? Lawyer?” Ozzie laughed. “Isn’t there something about it in the Geneva Convention?” He couldn’t stop cackling, bringing a hand up to his mouth to keep from spitting out chip crumbs.

“If there’s not, there should be!” Derrick grinned.

“I’ll start a petition.”

“Damn.” Derrick snickered a bit and then sighed. “So! How’s work?”

Ozzie groaned, his laughter fading. “There’s a fucking mandatory Christmas party. Everybody has to go.” He picked at the remnants of his sandwich. “In person. With other people.”

“Oh, fucking lame. Why?”

“My boss is a sadist?” Ozzie guessed. “I have no idea.”

Derrick gasped. “Oh hey, you want one of my ties? I got a Rudolph one and his nose is a little LED! It lights up!”

“Fucking hell.” Ozzie slapped a palm to his face and let out a groan. “I really hate to say yes, but it’s probably the best bet. I want to blend in.”

“I got you, man. I will hook you up.” Derrick beamed. “I even got some shirts with Christmas lights and stuff on ’em.”

“Okay, that might be a little much.” Ozzie crumpled up the trash from his lunch. “I don’t want to be a fucking elf.”

“Oh... All right.” Derrick looked a little hurt, but he kept smiling anyway. “I can bring it by later this week. When’s the party?”

“It’s on the twentieth. I have ten days to mentally prepare.” Ozzie sighed heavily, already dreading all the people he would be expected to socialize with. He could tell Derrick was trying not to pout, so he asked, “Why don’t you bring the Christmas-light shirt too? Just in case.”

“You got it.” Derrick grinned. “Enjoy your snacks and stuff.” He stood, gathering up Ozzie’s trash and his own to stuff back inside the bag. “I gotta run. Still got some last minute shopping to do. Wifey wants me to grab some stocking stuffer things.”

“Fuck, all my shopping is going to be last minute. As usual.” Ozzie smiled warmly at his brother and gave his shoulder a squeeze. “Thanks a lot for the snacks. Now I can eat my feelings properly.”

“You okay, Ozz?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just nervous.” Ozzie shrugged his big shoulders and crossed his arms over his chest. “Would just rather skip the whole thing.”

“Hey, you’ll be fine.” Derrick beamed. “Everyone will be too blown away by your super awesome tie to realize what a dick you are!” He wrapped Ozzie up in a big hug.

“Aw, thanks.” Ozzie hesitated barely a moment before hugging his brother back. He held him tightly, soaking in his warmth. “Maybe I’ll treat myself to a holiday Uber and get drunk.”

“That’s the spirit, man!” Derrick clapped his hand on Ozzie’s back. “And hey, I’ll be sneakin’ in booze when we hang out for Christmas, so don’t you worry.”

“You’re an actual hero. Saving the family one drink at a time. I am hoping for that tasty cinnamon-apple sparkling thing again. Grandma didn’t have any idea those were boozy.” Ozzie chuckled and gave Derrick one last squeeze before letting go. “You get outta here and I’ll see you later, okay? I love you, bro.”

“Love you too, dude!” Derrick grinned. “You take care. I’ll swing by tomorrow to bring you that tie.”

“I am both excited and terrified to see it.” Ozzie snorted, following Derrick to the door. “Get on out of here. Stay outta trouble.”

“Me? Never!” Derrick cackled. “Don’t eat all those cookies1 I’m gonna want some tomorrow.”

“I make no promises.” Ozzie patted his stomach. “Gotta keep up this voluptuous figure.”

“Yeah, yeah. Save me some!” Derrick waved farewell as he headed back out the door.

“I’m gonna eat every single one before I even get off work today!” Ozzie waved after him, only half-joking. He smiled and stayed there in the doorway until Derrick pulled out of his driveway.

He couldn’t stop smiling now, grateful for Derrick’s visit to help break up the day. He shut the door once Derrick drove off and checked the time to see how long he had remaining for lunch.

Only about fifteen minutes.

Well…

He did some serious damage to the snickerdoodle cookies before putting everything away. The rest of his day was pretty uneventful, and calls remained steady until it was time to clock out. He appreciated it, however boring it was, because it did make the hours tick by faster with something to do.

Ozzie clocked out at precisely seven o’clock, plugged his headset in to charge, and then ordered a large pizza. He watched some television, ate, and then he went straight to the bathroom to draw a hot bubble bath. One of his favorite features of this house was that despite lacking in square footage, it had some amazing amenities, like a giant garden tub that even he could comfortably fit in.

A long soak was the perfect way to cap his long day. He sank into the water with a groan and leaned his head back, closing his eyes. He breathed in the sweet, soothing scent of lavender courtesy of an oversized bath bomb, and tried to clear his mind.

He didn’t want to worry about Christmas or stupid Christmas parties or the especially dreaded shopping. Getting ready for the winter solstice had its own unique set of worries, like how he was certain he was going to feel like an animal in the zoo with Derrick there. No matter how respectful Derrick’s intentions were, he didn’t share Ozzie’s beliefs.

Just as no one else liked the same movies Ozzie did.

Or the same music.

Not even the same jokes…

Ozzie sighed and draped a washcloth over his face.

The approaching solstice wasn’t merely a time for feasting and seasonal festivities. It was supposed to be a time of reflection as well. It was a turning point, when the days began to grow longer as the world headed into spring. A period to look back at the past year and also ahead to the future. Just thinking about it made Ozzie’s heart hurt.

He didn’t want to think about how this would be another damn holiday season he would be celebrating alone?—

Bzzzzt .

The odd sound drew Ozzie out of his depressive bubble, and he dropped the wash cloth to look around. It reminded him of the buzz of a fluorescent light flickering, but he didn’t have any of that kind of light in here.

And then there was the smell.

Like ozone, crisp and strange as if lightning had struck somewhere.

The air crackled, flashed, and a giant something landed in Ozzie’s lap, splashing water across the floor.

Slime.

Hot-pink slime that shimmered as if it was packed full of iridescent glitter. It was a giant ball of slime, bigger than even Ozzie himself, and strange tentacle-like protrusions wiggled all around as the blob tried to brace itself against the edge of the tub and the shower wall.

“Whoa.” The blob spoke . “Groovy.”

“What the actual ever-loving fuck?” Oswald was stunned, staring at the blob in shock and horror. He couldn’t move, his brain frozen as he tried to make sense of this impossible thing on top of him or the suddenly overpowering scent of something sweet like cotton candy.

It was gross.

Weird .

Ozzie tried to push the blob off, but his fingers just slipped right through the slime.

“Hey, hey! Watch where you’re putting those fingers!” The blob yelped. Its voice was sultry and masculine with an odd accent Ozzie couldn’t immediately place “Do all Earth guys jump straight to second base? Sheesh!”

“Second base…? What the…?” Ozzie gritted his teeth, the sweet aroma making them ache. “ Nope . Nope, nope, nope. Why is the bath bomb talking to me? The bath bomb cannot be talking to me.”

“Bath bomb?” The blob scoffed. “What kinda bath bombs are you using that look like me?”

“What the fuck?” Ozzie flailed. “What is happening? What are you? Who’s talking? Get out!”

“Oh my God! Calm your tits, gorgeous.” The slime slid off Ozzie and onto the bathroom floor with a wet plop . “Sorry, I got a little lost trying to navigate the whole inter-dimensional what’s-it-called. Didn’t mean to crash your you time .”

“Oh, fucking hell, I must have slipped and hit my head.” Ozzie nodded. “Or someone drugged the pizza. Someone did something. There was no way a giant pink blob just showed up and started talking to me.” He grabbed the edge of the tub and scrambled to pull himself to his feet. “What the fuck, what the fuck?—”

“Hey, hey! Careful! You’re gonna slip!” The blob rose up, suddenly tall and slim as his mass stretched out to create a towering figure. He reached out for Ozzie with his long glittery tentacles and tried to help steady him. “Take some deep breaths, big fella. You’re all right, I promise!”

“Fuck!” Ozzie tried to back away and promptly slipped. He grabbed the towel rack for stability, but it popped right off the wall.

The blob caught Ozzie in his tentacles, grumbling, “Oh, Christ on a damn pogo stick, what is your problem? Do you need a Xanax? You Earth people got that here, right?”

“Uh.” Ozzie was surprised how effortlessly the blob was able to hold him in spite of his large size, and he gulped. “I am clearly higher than I thought. Wait. No. I haven’t smoked. Maybe I’m not high enough.”

“Oh. Hmm.” The top of the blob tilted downward, as if surveying its blobiness.

“Also. Wait.” Ozzie squirmed. “I’m sorry, did you say intergalactical something or other?”

“Look, I am too fucking sober for this. One sec.” The blob wiggled. “Lemme change into somethin’ more comfortable .” Once the blob seemed certain Ozzie wasn’t going to fall over, he took a step back to give himself some space.

The slime turned opaque and took on a male human form. He was tall but lithe, his hair a mop of hot-pink curls, and his smile absolutely dazzling. His skin was fair with a pinkish tint, his eyes bright pink with a red iris, and wow...

He was beautiful.

Really fucking beautiful, actually.

He was also very much naked, and it was impossible to ignore—wait, why did he have four arms?

“There, that better?” the former blob asked sweetly.

“I, uh…” Ozzie was quite certain his eyes were popping out of his head.

The blob flashed that incredible smile and purred, “You take some deep breaths… nice and slow… and how about we go get high and chat, hmm?”

Ozzie’s heart fluttered wildly in his chest, his head swimming as he raced to catch up with whatever the fuck craziness was happening. He tried to take a few big breaths as he’d been instructed and felt his nerves standing down.

The blob had a soothing voice that calmed the raging anxiety clawing up Ozzie’s throat, and he nodded slowly, much calmer now.

Well, as calm as he could be with a giant pink slime who had turned into a really hot guy.

“Getting high is a good idea.” Ozzie reached for a towel to cover himself up.

“Right? I sure thought so.” The blob looked around curiously. “Huh. You got walls everywhere, right? That’s good.”

“Walls?” Ozzie stared. “You just showed up in my bathtub as a giant blob of Nickelodeon slime and you’re amazed at my walls?”

“Look, so, this is sort of a big ask, but I need a place to crash for a little while.” The blob grinned. “Just a few days! Maybe like, two, tops. Kinda trying to get away from someone and I need to lay low for a bit.”

“Wait. You crash into my bath like a fucking wrecking ball, which has got to be some form of breaking and entering, and you want to have a sleepover?” Ozzie couldn’t stop the nearly manic laughter that bubbled up from his lips.

“Hey! That's a Miley song!” the blob gushed. “I love that one!”

“They have Miley Cyrus on your planet?”

“Wait, how did you know I’m an alien?”

“I was just joking. I don’t know what you are!” Ozzie snorted. “You’re not really an alien. Right?”

The blob batted his lashes. “Has anyone told you how very, very handsome you are? And you seem to have all of your skin. That’s so nice!”

“Oh God, you’re a fucking alien.”