13. SECOND FIDDLE

13

SECOND FIDDLE

Summer

My phone lights on the desk. A new message. I don't have to look at it to know who it is. Logan. The fifth message he's sent me since I last saw him…two hours ago since we parted after breakfast.

They vary from 'I miss you,' to updates about his whereabouts to him asking me random things. My favorite, when he sneak disses one of the guys.

I find it annoying, why bring them up at all. But other than that, he's been cool. We still don't have the boyfriend/girlfriend label, but everybody knows I'm pretty much spoken for.

I pull out my phone even though I don't want to. Logan always panics a little when he knows I'm going to places where I'll see them. You'd think me reassuring him a million times would make him secure.

Stifling a groan, I look at the message.

Done with my adviser. I'm coming to walk you to your next.

I want to scream cause what the fuck. I literally have fifteen minutes between classes. But I punch down all of that. Maybe he is right to need reassurance. It's my fault.

My exes are still a real threat.

I give him some slack sometimes when I think of his situation. I personally don't know what I would have done if I dated a guy who was still hung up on their ex. I'd probably die.

Cool.

He sends a kissy face and I roll my eyes so hard, the girl next to me snorts. I look at her and she tries to cover it. Nosy ass, but it is funny I agree.

I type 'kill me now,' before I erase it.

I send a smiley face back. We sit for fifteen more minutes, and the lecture is over.

Caleb sits at the other end of the class. Since that day they have all kept their distance. I'd never admit it to anyone, but it hurts a little when they do.

My stupid heart is always hoping they come close, and they never do anymore. They walk past me now, never giving me a second look. It should feel good, it's what I wanted, but it doesn't.

Every time I see Harvey and Jaden surrounded by hordes of girls I want to go and pull them away. I think my black heart just wanted them to suffer without me. I didn't think they'd really move on.

I frown when a realization strikes me.

I haven't seen Archer in over three weeks.

Last time we were in the same line at the Korean food truck outside campus and we didn't say much. He was a few people in front of me and didn't spare me any glance.

The pain in my chest goes to my palms. I think back to his issues, and I hope he's really doing okay. Archer has always had a gentle mental. I hope he's taking care of himself.

Logan is talking to one of his many acquaintances before he sees me walking out of class. I walk to him, and he grins at me.

"Hey, babe," he greets me with a smile, and I force one back.

"Hey. Hi." I greet them both.

He leans in and kisses me. I pull away quickly. I always do in public.

Caleb passes us and heads in the direction of the next building. I hope he didn't see it.

Logan clears his throat, and I realize my attention followed Caleb. I see the frown on his face. He saw that. Fuck. His friend is also still here. Think, Su.

I take his hand and give him a big smile.

"Sorry, Jared, but this one needs to escort me to my next class."

"Bet, bet. See y'all later then." He walks away and I pull Logan to the stairs.

He's brooding a little. I can understand where he is coming from. I am a terrible girl friend, maybe girlfriend.

"Summer, I think we need to talk later," he says when we arrive outside my class.

I sigh inside. That sounds like a breakup.

"Okay. What about?"

"I think you know, but come over to the house after practice. No one will be there tonight." He is serious.

Without thinking, I pull him by his neck and kiss him. He doesn't reciprocate first then he does, fully. Like, with tongue. The things I do for this relationship . I don't know why I panic when he says he wants to talk, or why I'm reassuring him with kisses.

Wouldn't it be easier if I let the relationship die?

We pull apart because of a whistle. I smile at him, and he smiles down at me, lust spilling out of his eyes. Leaning in, I peck him one last time and he straight grins.

"Okay, I'll see you later then," he says, visibly more relaxed.

Men are so easy to sway. I've barely given him anything, but he is happier. Turning, he takes the stairs and I head to class.

After classes, I go to the library to put in some work on my assignments and test prep. After, I walk back with Hazel to the dorms. I'm exhausted, that was a long ass day. I go to Hazel's room and throw my bag on her bed as she undresses and gets ready for a shower.

"You going to Trevor's?"

"Nah, he's coming here after practice," she says.

"So, it's all good between you two. Love still lives?"

She chuckles. "Whoa, love?"

"Yeah, I said it."

"It's not anything remotely close to love with me and Trev, you know it's just fun," she says.

"But why are you with someone you not in love with?"

"I could ask you the same question." She throws it back to me, hot and everything and it lands.

"This isn't about me, Haze."

"Maybe it should be." She stands in the middle of the room.

"Do you have something you want to say?"

She doesn't answer for a few moments. "Look, I know you have your old relationship with your exes but what you're doing to Logan isn't okay. He's really into you."

Whoa, where did all of that come from. I sit up.

"And what have I done?"

"I'm not going to tell you what to do but I think it's unfair that you are just stringing him along like you are waiting for something else to come along. He's not your exes and he's been nothing but good to you."

I narrow my eyes at her. "Haze, where is this coming from?"

She turns from me. "Just…think about what I'm saying, Su. He will slip from your fingers if you don't wake up to what's in front of you." Then she disappears to the bathroom, leaving me confused as a mother.

When I am finished being stuck in one place like a dummy, I get up and go to my room. I need to shower and go to Logan's for 'the talk.'

I don't actually know what I'm hoping for with this talk, but I hope I'm at least unburdened a little. I don't know what that means but I hope for something.

Half an hour later, I am walking into his house. I let myself in when I get there, finding him on the couch, topless. He smiles easily when he sees me, and I walk to him.

"Hey, pretty girl." Logan extends his hand and I go to him.

"Hey, pretty boy," I joke and he laughs.

"That was horrible, babe."

"I know." I hug him then he pulls my face in a kiss.

It takes me by surprise, but I give in, and I let him pull me to his lap, straddling him. I slide my hands around his neck, and he grabs my ass and squeezes. I moan in his mouth because I like that.

The touching gets hotter as his hands move under my clothes. The kiss gets deeper as we slowly introduce tongue. The kiss moves to the neck, and I moan. His hand moves, slipping inside my pants and panic sets in.

My hand grabs his and I pull away panting.

"Is something wrong?" I see a flash of annoyance in his features, and I feel a little bad. But I am not ready to go there with him yet.

"I'm sorry, I'm…I'm not ready for that yet."

"Are you serious, Su?"

I frown. Is he mad I'm not ready for more?

I get off him. "Logan, I told you—"

"That you weren't ready. Yeah, yeah, I remember," he says, getting up and heads to the kitchen.

Wait, is he angry? Like real angry? I get up and follow him.

"Are you mad?"

"No, Summer, why would I be? Why would I be mad that you are still pining for your exes even when I'm right here and I want you and I have stated my intentions for you. And you won't give me anything in return." He turns. "Why would I be mad at all?"

The sarcasm is really annoying.

It feels like a slap in my face. Am I wrong for not being ready? It's not even a full two months seeing this guy, am I crazy?

"Is sex all you want from me, Logan? Is that what this is about?"

"Sex? Su, I've fucked more girls than you can think. Do I want to have sex with my girlfriend? Yes. We aren't in middle school; sex isn't some future prize. But it's whatever, you know? And you know what sucks?" He pauses only for a second. "That you won't even fully give me a chance. It's like pulling teeth and Su I don't want to be second best to you."

I stand there frozen. That. Was. A. Lot.

My mouth hangs open, I don't know how to respond to that outburst.

Can I even respond? Is he wrong? Am I being unfair for not being ready? Do I want to have sex with him?

The answer for that is I'm not ready.

But for some reason I don't want to let go of him either. Maybe he's good for me. Maybe he can really help me move on.

"Um, Logan, listen I get it. I know I'm taking everything slow and the other situation but…" I step closer and grab his face. "I want to be with you. I'm trying to sort out my shit, but I also do want to be here with you for real. I like you a lot and I will get there, just…give me time, please?" I stare into his eyes, hoping whatever magic Caleb used to say I have I still do.

He used to say if I were a mystical creature, I'd be a siren because no one could resist me. Harvey on the other end used to call me his little demon – little D. Said I had superpowers to tempt and bend people to my will.

Logan brushes my hand that's on him and exhales.

"This is hard for me but maybe you are right. You did go through a lot, and you were mistreated before, but I wish you could see I mean only good things for you. I wish you would trust me like I trust you."

We stand there staring at each other until we kiss again, and he picks me up and takes me to the couch. We continue kissing but it doesn't go beyond that, and I am thankful.

I sleep at his place for the first time, and survive the night.

The next few days, I try to give him a little more. Try to put in effort with the communication and updating him like he does me. We spend evenings either at his place or mine after we finish with all the work for the day.

We don't sleep in each other's place again, but it is becoming, I guess, a relationship. Sexless as it may be but it's better than before.

On Thursday, we have a date planned and I come back early to prepare. He is taking me to a comedy show and it'll be nice to do something normal. Walking out of the shower, I towel dry my hair. Wanting to let it air dry a bit as I pick an outfit. Contemplating whether to fuck it all up and wear heels or if that's too much.

I decide there isn't such a thing as too much slaying and I hardly get to wear my heels. I'm mostly in sneakers.

Outfit decided, I do my hair, tying it up top and incorporating a headscarf, my curls spilling out on top. I apply my makeup and get dressed.

I am putting in all the effort. I don't know why I'm trying so hard, but I need to try, I know I do. Maybe it's that I don't want to fail. Don't want this relationship to fail.

With the guys, I just let the motions take me away and I fell deep in love with no abandon. I thought it was it for me. I really thought they were my forever. So maybe this time I need to be more cautious. Try another strategy.

When I'm ready, I sit to text Logan, but a loud knock makes me jump, and I put my phone back in my pocket.

What the fuck?

I answer, finding Caleb looking like a mess.

"What's wrong?"

"It's Arch."

"What happened?"

"He collapsed."

Shooting out the door, I follow him without question.