Chapter Nine

Chapter Nine

D espite being stuck in one small inn together, Konomi managed to avoid me for the rest of the day. During dinner, she was almost her usual self but not quite. I didn't know how exactly I could tell but there was just a slight difference in her smile, the pitch of her voice, the eye contact she seemed to avoid. She was pretending everything was fine which meant it wasn't.

Later, when I went up to our room to sleep, Konomi didn't come with me. Instead, she claimed she was going to help Rudy with something in the kitchen. One of her eyes twitched when she lied, a sure-fire tell.

I went up to the room by myself, cursing myself for causing this fracture. I was almost changed into my night robe when a knock sounded on the bedroom door.

"Can I come in?" Konomi asked from the other side.

She'd never knocked before, or asked permission to enter. It just underlined that something was seriously wrong between us.

"Just a moment," I shouted back, like she hadn't seen me undressed hundreds of times. But for some reason, I really didn't want her to see me like that right now. I already felt vulnerable and bare enough.

Once I was fully changed and hidden under the covers, I called to say that she could come in. I didn't like that things were changing between us but that was my price to pay for not keeping a good handle on my wretched feelings.

The door creaked and Konomi entered with careful steps. She looked surprised to see me in bed already and seemed a bit lost all of a sudden. She remained in the middle of the room, sort of turned towards me. "About earlier. What you said…"

I tensed as memories from earlier came flooding back, my mistake with which I almost revealed everything. "Forget what I said."

"What? But?—"

"Please. I don't want to talk about earlier. Ever ." I bit the inside of my cheek, afraid that if she would ask me about my feelings now, I wouldn't manage to hide them.

Konomi took a step closer to my bed. "But I thought?—"

"Please!" I insisted, too scared to even look at her in case she could see these secret feelings in my eyes.

A beat of tense silence passed followed by a sigh. "I'll just get ready for bed."

As usual, I turned away from her to give her some privacy. That didn't stop my mind from conjuring images that accompanied the rustling sounds of her clothes being taken off. I squeezed my eyes shut as if that somehow would help but it never did.

My cheeks were on fire by the time I heard the creak of her bed and I could finally breathe again.

Outside, it was hailing. I could hear the monotonous staccato clattering as it hit the ground and turned the fresh snow even more dangerous to thread. There would be no travelling tomorrow either which was infuriating. The last place I wanted to be right now was trapped in an inn with Konomi.

She broke the awkward silence in the room. "I've been thinking…"

My throat closed. "About?"

"About your parents. They were always so kind to me, especially your mother since I didn't have one of my own. That was my favourite thing about being married to your brother, being a part of your family."

Her words gripped my heart and constricted around it like a snake killing its prey. She had no idea how much it killed me to hear this, how close I was to being reduced to sobs. Or maybe she did and this was her way of putting me in my place, of reminding me what we were to each other.

Her sheets rustled. "Mayu?"

I briefly considered pretending to be asleep but maybe it would be good to hear this. Maybe being cut down was what my heart needed so I could move on.

"Yes?" I whispered, ever so grateful for the dark.

"When we return with the Winter Stone, what do you think our lives will be like?"

I bit my lip. "I don't know. The Guardian is meant to be a position of honour. I believe I would be in charge of protecting the village. I suppose I would live in that nice house on the hill near the temple while I protect the village."

Konomi let out a weird breath. "Do you think… do you think you would live there alone?"

My hands tightened into fists. "I don't know. Unmarried women don't usually leave their parents' house but I don't know if that rule would apply to me as a Guardian. I'm not even sure if it's a rule or just tradition."

"There's Old Lady Mu who lives by herself near the river. She never married."

I swallowed hard. "That's true. I'm not really in a rush to get married so I suppose I would live there by myself."

"What about me?" Konomi asked, her voice strangely close even though she was far away. Maybe it was just the hushed tone, barely louder than a breath.

My throat constricted and I forced the words out, desperately trying to sound casual but I didn't know if I managed. The blood was rushing through my ears so loudly, I couldn't hear my own voice. "You're a widow, things are different for you. You can do whatever you want. You could even remarry if you wished."

"What if I wanted to live with you instead?"

This time, my heart actually stopped. "What?"

"Nobody would find that strange. We're friends, really good friends. We're family. And we know we enjoy each other's company." She faltered. "Unless you don't want to live with me."

"No, it's not that. I would. It's just…" I so wanted to say yes but my conscience wouldn't let me. "I'm not sure it would be fair."

"Fair? To whom? Your parents? I'm sure they won't mind."

I swallowed hard. "To you."

"To me? Why?" Konomi's voice was ever so slightly croaky.

This would've been a good time to tell her, to confess those feelings I'd secretly harboured even before she married my brother. The words were on my tongue, my heart pounding in my chest. It was dark, dark enough that she wouldn't be able to see my face or my tears.

But I couldn't.

"We should go to sleep," I said instead.

"Mayu. Why wouldn't it be fair?" It was rare for Konomi to be so persistent.

It made me hate myself that I couldn't give her an answer. She didn't deserve to be deceived which was exactly why we couldn't live together. It would all be a grand deception, one that only got bigger as more time went on.

I turned on my side, away from her. "Can you please let it go?"

Konomi didn't answer and eventually her breathing grew steady which meant she'd fallen asleep.

That was how close we were. I could tell when she was sleeping simply from listening to her. It felt like something very intimate.

I wondered if my older brother had been able to tell too and that thought pierced through my heart like an arrow. Of course he'd known, they were married. He would know all this about Konomi and more, like how it felt to be caressed by her fingers, the taste of her lips. All sorts of things I didn't know and would never find out.