Chapter Two

Chapter Two

Dexter

T hose were my favourite days: the days when Effie fell asleep in my arms and I could pretend that she was mine. The feel of her next to me was such a comfort, I wanted to wrap her around me and never let her go.

I had been in love with Effie my whole life, since before I even knew what being in love was. I'd always known she was different; she couldn't read other people the way I could, and her tolerance for change was practically non-existent, which was why I'd kept my feelings under my hat for so long. I wanted to be Effie's safe place, and if I tried to change the parameters of our relationship, she might never be comfortable with me again. It was better to leave things as they were than to risk losing her entirely, but my feelings had begun to consume me and I was getting dangerously close to letting them sweep me away.

So, times like these were important to me. It was the closest I could get to being with her the way I truly wanted. While she slept, I could be near her, hold her, stroke her hair. I would even tell her I loved her while she slept; just saying the words without a reaction was a thrill to me. I was addicted to her. I knew it was awful of me, but there was part of me that felt special because I was one of the only people she spoke to. It felt like the universe saying that we belonged together. We were only eighteen and of course it was ridiculous to think you knew so firmly at that age who you wanted to be with, but I could feel it. She was meant to be mine and I had been hers for as long as I could remember. She just didn't know it yet.

I was getting brave, though. I touched her more often, and more intimately. I took any opportunity to have my arms around her and to hold her hand. When we watched films together I would pull her closer so she was pressed against me. I would sit on the floor in front of her and lean back against her legs. I wanted to be near her all the time and it was only getting worse.

By the time Mum got home I'd just woken up from a pretty good nap. Effie was still asleep and the television had asked me if I was still watching, which I was. It was being judgy.

"Hi, sweetie, how was school?" Mum spoke in a hushed tone, having clocked Effie's peaceful form on arrival.

"It was okay. I'm just ready for it to be over to be honest. I'm so tired,"

"Don't wish your life away, kiddo. One minute you're young and carefree then before you know it, bam! Bills, shifts, responsibilities. No more time for this." She inclined her head towards Effie.

"I'll always have time for Effie." It came out more defensively than I'd intended and I could feel the atmosphere in the room change. I was about to be lectured.

"I know you'll always want time with her, but that doesn't always mean you will have that time."

"Then I'll make time. We're going to move in together when I go to university anyway, so how could I not have time for her unless I never go home?"

"I know you've planned this life out with her, sweetheart." Mum's face turned soft. "But you need to make sure you're making decisions for you, not for anyone else."

"I am doing." My body wanted to straighten up, indignant, but I held it in; only a little shuffle showed how uncomfortable I was. I didn't understand why so people couldn't imagine why I would want to be with Effie so much. What was so wrong with us being close?

"I just want you to live up to your full potential, not hold back because you feel like you have to stay with her." She chewed her bottom lip. "You know I adore Effie, but she wouldn't want you to hold yourself back for her. There are other people out there, and other experiences for you. There's a whole world to explore."

I wanted to argue with her, to tell that she had no idea what she was talking about. I wasn't giving up anything by being close with Effie. If anything, if I went away to some big university I would be giving up the life that I actually wanted. I was still going to university; it was just a half hour train journey there and back instead of going to the other end of the country.

"Effie's a great girl, but you might want something different in the future and I'd hate for you to miss out because you chose to stay close to home."

I was about to tell her to stop talking when Efie sat up with tears in her eyes.

"Effie?"

She looked at me, and then at my mum, then back to me. In her eyes it looked like her heart was breaking. Mum at least had the decency to look flustered and ashamed of herself.

"Effie, don't cry."

It was too late for me to say that; she already had tears dripping from her chin, but I still said it. I needed to make it better. She started to push off of me and I tried to adjust for her without actually letting her off the couch.

"Sweetheart, don't be upset. I didn't mean-"

"Effie, don't listen to her. I-" She stood up and I grabbed her hand. "Don't go."

It was useless; I could see already that there was no recovering this with my mum around. She pulled her hand from my grip and I scrambled off the sofa to follow her into the hall.

"Effie, please don't leave like this." She was sniffling as she put on her shoes, and without stopping to second guess myself, I caught her in my arms when she straightened up with her bag and reached for the door. "Let me walk you home. I don't want you going by yourself when you're upset."

She shook her head and kept her chin dipped so she wasn't looking at me."I'm fine, I just need to go home,"

"Well let me get my shoes and I-"

"It's fine. I'm fine. I'm just gonna go on my own." I had this horrible feeling that if I let her go by herself now I wouldn't get a chance to fix this between us, but what was I supposed to do? Follow her home? Hold her captive here? Of course I had to let her go. I had no other option.

"Promise me you'll text me later."

She nodded, still not meeting my gaze.

"Say it, Effie—say you promise."

My fingers were still clamped around her wrist, not willing to let her go until I had her word I would hear from her again tonight. It sounded ridiculous but I knew that if I made her promise, she wouldn't be able to break it, because it would annoy her too much. Maybe I was taking advantage of her nature but I had to do something.

"I promise." Her voice was a whisper and she barely allowed her eyes to rest on me before she darted out of the front door.

I slammed the door shut behind her and stormed back into the living room to my mum.

"Happy now? She's upset, and she's gone, and she won't let me go with her."

"I'm sure she'll be fine, Dexter. She's not as fragile as you think she is."

"It's not about her being fragile. It's about you hurting her feelings. Do you not think she has enough of that at school?"

"Don't speak to me like that. I didn't mean to upset her and you know that."

"Oh, so now you care about how people speak, do you? Could have done with that lesson about five minutes ago."

"Dexter, enough. You can't speak to me like that."

"And you can't order me to abandon her, but you aren't letting it stop you from trying. You know how I feel about her. Why do you keep doing this to me?"

"Look, I know you think you're in love, but-"

"No, Mum, I don't think I am; I know I am in love with her. I have always been in love with her. I want to tell her and now you've just… You've just fucked this for me."

"Watch your language." Her ears were turning pink, which in my mum was a sign that she was getting a bit too heated. Normally at that point in the conversation I'd have backed down but not today. I was sick of my mum constantly pushing me to go off to some fancy university full of poshos that I wouldn't fit in with in a place I didn't want to be. I was so sure that Effie was the one for me, and I was so close to telling her. Things were starting to feel different with us. She leant into my touches; she was actively seeking out physical contact with me. There had been something brewing between us and we both knew it but now I had no idea where we would be.

"Stop trying to live through me. It's not my fault you had a kid instead of going to university. I know that I am walking evidence of your mistake, but that doesn't mean I'm going to make the same ones."

I stormed upstairs and into my bedroom where Wren had come to hide from the shouting. I dropped onto the bed next to her and absent mindedly scratched her head. "You want me to stay here, right, girl?" She rested her head on my thigh. "When me and Effie get our own place, you'll come with us." My phone buzzed in my pocket so I checked it, hoping it was Effie telling me she got home okay. I was relieved when I saw her name but that feeling was short-lived. When I opened the message, my chest tightened.

Effie: Your mum's right. I'm holding you back. I'm so sorry. I've been so selfish all this time.

Dexter: That's ridiculous. You aren't holding me back.

Effie: I am. You should have other friends that are easier to be with. I know hanging out with me has made your life hard.

Dexter: Don't be stupid. I hang out with you because I enjoy being around you. My mum's just being a dick.

Effie: She's just looking out for you, and she's right. I think we should stop being friends, then you can go to uni and make proper normal friends.

Dexter: What are you even saying to me right now?

Effie: I've always known I wasn't good enough to be with you, even just as friends. I just love you so much, I didn't want to let go. I'm sorry you've wasted so much time with me. XXX

Dexter: What the fuck????

Dexter: Effie, this is nuts.

Dexter: You can't just decide we're not friends.

I called, but I knew she wouldn't answer. I'd never seen her speak on the phone in our entire lives. I had to try, though. We'd never so much as argued before, and I was getting pissed off at her ignoring me.

Dexter: Effie, stop ignoring me.

I sent her a picture of Wren making her sad puppy face, hoping I could use the cuteness to wrangle a response out of her.

Dexter: Wren is very upset at this turn of events. She needs you to tell her you love her.

I tried not to spam her with texts. I left sensible five minute intervals in between each one so I didn't look desperate. I knew she didn't mean what she was saying. She'd always had low self esteem, and hearing my mum talk about her like that would have only made it worse. I waited for her to calm down and message me back, but she didn't. I hadn't managed to calm down either. The fact that she'd left upset and alone was gnawing a hole in my stomach.