Chapter 20

Twenty

W alter

Walter, you're too damned old to be making such proclamations.

Yes, I was old, and with my age came the wisdom to know that when something special comes your way, you fucking hold on to it because life isn't guaranteed to wait for you to figure it out.

I was older than my father was when he'd lost his battle, the one between his will to remain with his family and his distress over perceived failures in his career, in addition to PTSD and the mental illnesses he was dealing with. Dane's case was the catalyst, but according to my mother, my father was never the same after he returned from Vietnam.

I knew what it meant to love and be loved. I knew what it meant to perceive failure in love, and then to come back from it, only to fall again. I knew I tended to love hard and fast, but I also knew better than to try to fight it.

Was it fair to say those words to Dane? I didn't know, but I wasn't sure he'd heard them anyway. I'd turned the man inside out, and I knew from how he'd reacted that he'd never had an orgasm quite like that. The benefit of my first and only relationship with a man had been that Brady was a licensed sex therapist, and he loved to bring his work home. I couldn't have asked for a better man to have my first male-to-male encounters with, and I had no regrets. Our split had been mostly amicable, leaving me with all sorts of knowledge and experiences I never dreamed I'd have, so I was thankful for that.

I bet Dane wakes up thankful as well.

It was enough to make me smile despite this off-the-rails roller coaster ride we were on.

I cleaned up in the bathroom and threw on my jeans and sweater to go check in with Gene and Denny.

I found them huddled around the computer.

"Either of you get any rest?" I asked them.

Gene snorted at me. "About as much as you." He glanced over his shoulder toward Dane's open door down the hall. "You destroyed that poor man, didn't you."

I pressed my lips together for a moment, determined not to gloat. "Anything new?"

Denny laughed. "I'll take that as a yes. And yeah, we have a name. Fucking guy's name is Hunter Holland. Ex-Army, served time for aggravated assault, and guess which halfway house he stayed at?"

"Same as Virgil Evans. They knew each other."

"Indeed," Gene said. "Holland's been out about two years and his current address is still the halfway house. Ramos got a warrant to search the place tomorrow morning, and I'm going with him and his guys. Dax is coming down, too." Gene paused, and I could tell he didn't like saying the next part any more than I wanted to hear it. "You're staying here. With Denny?—"

"To babysit me?" I knew as soon as I said it that it wasn't fair. "I know. I'm sorry."

"Hey, I get it," Denny said. "Remember when I had ACL surgery a few months ago and got sidelined on that trafficking case? I hated it, and you guys had to hear it from me every day."

"We really did," Gene said with an exasperated sigh. "Walter complains the least of us, though, so I guess he's entitled to some grousing."

"Thanks," I answered sarcastically. "I'm still hoping to hear from Barbara. I want to take Dane to see his mom, but she hasn't gotten back to me. I'm thinking we go late morning."

"That's good. Sam's reporter friend will be here around noon to record the interview with Da—Dee Dee Miller. Damn, I need to get that right." Gene exhaled and shook his head.

These two really were the smartest men I knew. "Any other background on the suspect?"

"Well, he was dishonorably discharged from the Army for some ‘psychiatric concerns' that showed up when he was serving in Afghanistan," Denny said. "Probably they were overlooked when he enlisted. Last thing we needed over there was unstable soldiers."

"The military needs a better way to weed them out," Gene said. We'd had this conversation before. At least now that we were older, it didn't end up in a big fight.

"Yeah. Lotta things we should do different." Denny gave Gene a pointed look that meant conversation closed.

"I'm going to get some shut-eye," Gene said. "I suggest you go crawl back in there with your man and actually sleep this time."

I felt my cheeks get hot. "I'd be happy to give you some pointers."

Gene shoved me, then he pulled me back in for an embrace. "Let's get through this fucked-up situation before you get me all tantric with my wife."

Denny chuckled as I gave him a hug too. "Thanks for being here."

"Of course. See you in the morning."

I did as ordered. I crawled back into bed with Dane, leaving my pants on and my weapon within reach this time.

In the gray early morning light, I reached for Dane and came up empty-handed.

I shot up off the bed, grabbed my piece, and crept out into the hall. The lights were out and no one was in the living room, but I caught sight of a cherry glow on the back patio. I breathed a little easier, realizing Denny was out back with Dane. The two were chatting… and both were smoking.

"Naughty, naughty," I said as I pulled open the slider.

"Fuck off, it was just one," Denny said as he put out his cigarette. "At least I eat clean, unlike your steak-loving self."

I shook my head and took Dane's hand in mine, pulling him close for a kiss on his cheek. "You okay?"

His smile was more relaxed than it had been when we'd gotten back from the restaurant.

"Sorry, I couldn't sleep, and I didn't want to wake you." He seemed a little shy, and I thought, Oh hell, did I take things too far?

Then he winked at me.

"Plus, I'm a better conversationalist," Denny said, puffing up his chest.

"Oh, for sure. And you're closer in age," I said, and Dane barked out a laugh. He covered his mouth as the sound echoed off the hillside.

Denny shook his head and looked utterly disgusted with me, but Dane continued to laugh. He wrapped his arms around one of mine and shivered a little.

"You cold? We should get you back inside?—"

A loud crack and a rustling in the bushes startled all of us. Denny pushed us behind him and pulled his service weapon. There was a flash of movement just beyond the floodlights above the pool, and a shout rang out.

"Get down!" I pushed Dane into the living room and to the floor behind the couch. Denny took a flying leap and scaled the retaining wall, and then the iron fence at the top, where he joined a man dressed in all dark clothes. I couldn't hear them but a few moments later, Denny made his way to the natural stone steps that led down the hill from the pool house… and he was smiling.

"What the fuck?" I asked when he opened the door.

"A fucking mountain lion scared one of Ramos's men half to death. The two came nose to nose in the bushes and the guy jumped up, broke a tree branch with his head, and the cat went running. All these houses up here, you wouldn't think they'd be lurking around."

"Oh yeah, they're up here," Dane said, standing up from behind the couch. "There was one summer when I was a kid that I wasn't allowed to go outside alone because a mama and her cubs were in our backyard. Wildlife officers eventually came and captured them and moved them out of the neighborhood."

"So Ramos's boy got scared by a little kitty cat. Guess these LAPD dudes aren't as tough as we thought," Denny said with a laugh.

"You telling me you wouldn't have messed your drawers if you came face-to-face with an apex predator?" I asked him. "If so, you're a damn liar."

Denny tried to give me an incredulous look but then he sighed. "Okay, yeah. But only because I've seen the aftereffects of an attack. Remember that guy in Kernville? Brutal."

"Yeah, I remember you telling me. It was before my time," I said, unable to resist getting another dig in.

"Again with the old man jokes."

"I should quit, really. Watching you scale the side of that mountain just now… I couldn't do it."

"That's right. Because I'm a Marine, dammit. We can do that shit 'til we die."

Then we burst out laughing, because we both knew he'd be in pain later from that stunt.

Kal got up minutes later and made coffee for everyone. He was extra quiet, but he did say Ryan hadn't slept well, and that he'd be up a little later. I took the opportunity to thank him again for all he'd done for Dane. "You two have been great sports, letting us all crash here. Especially since this is supposed to be your honeymoon."

He shrugged and leaned back against the counter. "We're glad to help Dee Dee. I've been where he is, although he's handling things well, considering."

"Do you have any advice? Anything I can do to make things easier for him?"

He thought for a moment. "Don't stand in his way of trying to make things right. I know it's dangerous, and I'd hate for him to not be safe. But I know how important it was for me to find out about my past. I know it's not exactly the same thing, but Ryan didn't like me going off by myself to find out about my past. He knew I had to do it, but he worried about me. " He lifted the corner of his lip. "I gotta say, you took Dane's youthful appearance better than Ryan did when he met my ninety-something-year-old baby sister on FaceTime."

"That would be a shock," I said with a smile. "I couldn't deny it after seeing him at the carnival when I was a kid. That memory stood out to me so vividly. Hey, Kal? What can you tell me about this carnival?"

"It's old. It goes where it's needed, wherever the owner decides to go. Nothing bad happens there, the sun always shines, and the people there look out for each other. It's simple. We work at our job, we're fed, we sleep, we move on. It's hard work, but it's a good place. We bring people happiness and take them away from their worries for a time."

"You were rescued by them like Dane was?"

He nodded. "There's magic there. It heals what ails you. I don't know how else to explain it, but there were a few of us who were found at stops, including Rafe, the ringmaster. Once Nik and Ame picked us up, we were given accommodations and eventually we got better. Do you believe in magic, Walter?"

"I suppose I have to."

He smiled. "That's a good answer."

"Hey, baby." A sleepy Ryan entered the kitchen and went right into Kal's arms.

"Ryan, I want to thank you," I started, but he held up a hand.

"No need. Shit happens and it happens for a reason. This was all part of a plan."

"Well, I'm grateful that you found him. Grateful you brought him here. We're going to get to the bottom of this."

He nodded and took a sip of Kal's coffee, then let his eyes roll back in pure bliss.

"Yeah, well, it worked out for me too. I got myself a guitar player and a teacher. Maybe I'll even hook him in to tour with me, if and when I get that all lined up."

I felt his words like a pit in my stomach. Would Dane want to go back out on the road and live the life of a touring musician? How would that work?

The more important question, though… how could I go back to being a detective after all this? It almost felt as if my whole career had been careening toward this moment, and now that my life had shifted, I needed to take a hard look at whatever came next.

Would Dane want me around? Would I stay?

"I'm sure he'd appreciate being included." That was as much as I felt I could actually say. I did know that Dane was happy playing with Ryan and Kal, that he seemed to appreciate their friendship and acceptance. "And hopefully we'll be out of your hair soon, so you two can spend some alone time together."

Ryan grinned as he sipped his coffee, and his gaze went to Kal's. "Oh, we're enjoying ourselves, don't you worry."

Kal blushed bright red, and he lifted his arms to grab the back of his neck, exposing a great big hickey on the inside of his bicep.

"Thanks for the coffee," I said, and left to give them some privacy. I brought cups of coffee to Denny and tea to Dane, who were still chatting in the living room.

"Thanks, man," Denny said. "What time do you want to go up to Diane's?"

Dane's smile fell. "Right. We need to do that."

Denny looked between us. "I'm going to get cleaned up. Mind if I use the bathroom?"

"Go ahead," I said.

I sat next to Dane and took his hand in mine. I loved being affectionate with him. I was starved for touch whenever I was around him, almost as if not touching the man would allow him to disappear once more.

"She's going to be elated to see you," I said. "I promise. When I saw her last, what… three days ago? She told me not to come back on the anniversary of your disappearance, but to come when I'd found someone." I gazed into his eyes, hoping he would get my meaning.

He blinked. "She knows about you? About… men?"

"Yeah. She was sad when I told her that Lisa and I got divorced, and then she was a little confused when I got together with Brady, but she was happy for me."

Dane's eyes got big. "Did she know about me? Did she ever say anything?"

"Not to me. She called you ‘sensitive,' but she never said to me that she thought you might be gay. I think moms know, though. Mine wasn't surprised, but she had a tough time with the whole bisexual concept, like I should only be gay or not. Maybe your mom didn't want to speak for you."

He blew out a big breath. "Okay. Then let's do it." He stood and walked toward his bedroom, but then he turned.

"Wait. When you said found someone…" He trailed off.

Make or break time . "I think I have." My voice cracked. I rubbed my sweaty palms on my thighs, waiting for his reaction.

He didn't run, but he speed-walked back to me and straddled my lap, taking my mouth in a desperate and relieved kiss. Maybe he'd been worried too. I held him tight in my arms as our tongues tangled, the tentativeness he'd had before gone.

"Walter," he whispered, pressing our foreheads together. "Are you being serious?"

"I am. Same rules apply, though. If you get to the point you want to go out on your own, I'll understand."

"You know what I want?" He was frowning now. "I want what I've always wanted. Someone who wants me , who's like me and wants to be with me. Someone waiting for me at home, someone who's happy to see me. Someone who makes the world make sense and wants to keep me safe."

I brushed his hair back from his face and held it there. "I want all of that. I want you ."

He smiled so brightly, his eyes wet with tears. "Then I think you can tell my mom you found someone."

"Okay, then. Let's go tell her."

Only, when we got to her house, there was no cop out front and no one answered the door. I called and the phone rang unanswered.

"She didn't mention she was going anywhere," I said. "She has, in the past. Called, or had Barbara email me if she was going out of town." I turned to Dane. "She never wanted to miss any news about you."

He smiled but the tremors were back in his hands, though he tried to hide them.

"Maybe try Barbara again?" Denny offered. "I'll call Ramos."

I hit Barbara's contact and waited.

"Oh, Detective Muse. I'm sorry I haven't returned your call."

"It's all right. Is everything okay?"

There was a pause, and I reached for Dane's hand.

"I'm afraid not. I'm at Cedars-Sinai with Diane. She had a stroke. The day after your visit."

I tightened my grip on Dane's hand. "I'm so sorry. How is she?"

Barbara laughed. "Stubborn, actually. The doctors have kept her to continue running tests, but other than her sight being somewhat compromised, she's got mental clarity and full mobility. She should be able to go home in a day or two."

I sighed with relief. "That's great news. Is she allowed to have visitors?"

"She is as long as the visits are short. Shall I tell her you're coming?"

I grinned at Dane. "Yes, I'll be there in a few minutes. And I'm bringing a surprise."

"Oh! Very well. I'll meet you in the waiting room."

I hung up, and both Denny and Dane hurled questions at me.

I held up my hands. "She's okay, but she's at Cedars-Sinai."

"Ramos said his guy stayed all night and no one showed up. He was going to call you this morning."

"All right then. Let's go. I'll explain on the way."

Dane fidgeted with his clothes as we approached the hospital. He was wearing another pair of jeans, these ones flared at the bottom and fit him a little better, and on top he wore a white tunic with long, loose sleeves and an open neck.The flash of skin when he moved had my mouth watering, thinking of all the places I'd kissed him last night. This morning. Whenever that was.

"I wish I had something nicer to wear to see her," Dane said.

"Well, it sounds like she can't see well right now. Barbara said the doctor's hoping that might be temporary, but that Diane is taking it well." I gave him a once-over, loving the picture he made. He was timeless. He could have stepped out of a modeling shoot from the 1970s or today. "We'll take you shopping soon."

He tucked his hair behind his ear and smiled at me, and this time he left it there.

We checked in with the front desk and then got into the elevator, Dane's gaze darting everywhere, though he walked with his back straight. So brave .

"You know we had a fight the last time I saw her. I was leaving for the last tour with Tess. She was after me to get my own manager. She didn't think Tess's manager was looking out for my best interests. He tended to put my job as Tess's guitar player above my solo career. She told me I shouldn't spend my whole life in Tess's shadow." He shook his head. "I could never tell if she was jealous of my relationship with Tess or if she saw something I didn't see. The last thing I said to her was, ‘I know what I'm doing.' I think we can all agree that I did not."

The elevator doors slid open, and I gripped Dane's hand.

"I sure as hell didn't know what I was doing at twenty-seven," Denny said. "Did you, Junior?"

"Do I know what I'm doing now ?"

We both laughed, and it did the trick to loosen Dane up.

I heard a voice call out behind me. "Detective Muse?"

I turned, and Barbara smiled warmly at me?—

Until she saw Dane.

"Oh my God. He looks?—"

I rushed to Barbara's side as she listed to the right. "Whoa! Careful. I know, it's a shock, but we need to keep this quiet."

She nodded at me but stared at Dane with wide eyes.

A doctor came toward us. "Ms. Dunne? Are you all right?"

I looked to his badge. "Dr. Santos? I'm Detective Walter Muse, my partner, Detective Dennis Hamilton, and this is Dee Dee Miller. We came to see Mrs. Donovan."

The doctor shook our hands, and I put my hand on Dane's lower back to give him a little support.

"How is… Mrs. Donovan?"

The doctor brightened. "She's doing wonderful, considering. Her vision may remain affected, however. I don't know to what extent. It will take time to know. I'm happy to accompany you to her room."

"Thank you," Dane said.

I'd been so wrapped up in this moment with Dane that… thank God for Denny. He was doing his role as protector, surveying the area for any threats. As we made our way to Diane's room, he was checking everyone out and watching our backs. I would be eternally grateful to him for this.

Barbara went in first. "Diane? I brought a special visitor. Are you up for a visit?"

"Oh," she said, tucking her sheet around her. She looked lovely, her white hair fanned out around her, a much healthier glow to her cheeks than I would have expected from an 80-something-year-old woman who'd just had a stroke. But then I noticed that her eyes were directed toward the ceiling and unfocused. "Who did you bring?"

"Hello, Mrs. Donovan, it's Detective Muse." I moved to her side and took her outstretched hand. She turned her face toward my voice.

"Walter! Oh, you dear man. Thank you for coming to see me again so soon."

Barbara said, "I'll be just outside if you need me," and Denny led her out into the hallway.

I turned to Dane, who had tears streaming down his face.

"Well, you told me to come back when I found someone." I pulled Dane forward gently and put his hand in his mother's.

"Mom?"