Chapter 8

8

NEIL

Two days later

Ihave no idea what I’m getting into with these two men. They’re so different.

When I look at Oscar, I’m filled with heat and passion. The way he stood close to me in the kitchen reminds me that he is very much interested. It was clear in the way he pressed against me, in the way that he read the words on the page in front of me.

But with Keller it’s different. With Keller there’s a softness. It’s a lingering feeling like I want to get to know him better. To sit down and talk with him. We could discuss books or movies. I’m not sure. I just know I want to hear him speak, because I have a feeling it’s something he doesn’t do often.

Where Oscar is loud and forward, Keller is reserved and quiet.

Watching the two of them together was interesting as well because you could see their dynamic play out. Neither of them seemed to change when they spoke with me, a fact I noticed right off.

Unfortunately, that doesn’t help solve the riddle in my head.

It’s why I’m now headed to Grayson’s house in hopes that he can give me some kind of clue as to what I should be doing. It’s weird to go ask my baby brother something, but trying to track Vaughn down these days is difficult, to say the least. He’s been so busy with work, or so he claims.

I’ve never seen him work as much as he has been in the last six months. Maybe a year. I can’t really recall when he started to disappear more since he was already a fleeting presence in our lives.

I knock on Grayson’s door and wait for him to answer. When he comes to it, he looks surprised to see me. Why wouldn’t he be since I didn’t tell him I was coming?

“Hi, little brother. I need some advice.” I didn’t know it was possible for his eyes to get any bigger, but they do.

He moves to the side and waves me in without saying a word. I watch him go over to his computer and shut the screens down. He must be working on a project right now.

Dang it. I should have called.

“Tell me what’s going on, Number One. This isn’t like you to show up unannounced and you look a little flustered.”

I nod, my hands gripping together over my lap as I fight to wave them around emphatically. The emotion inside of me wrestles with what I know to be true. With what I desperately want.

“Do you remember Thanksgiving?”

Grayson laughs. “Of course, I do. It was like thirty-six hours ago. Forty-eight? I don’t know. I’ve been awake for too long.”

Nodding along with him, I agree with his statement about lack of sleep. I tossed and turned most of the night after dropping Vaughn off. “Something like that. Well, I don’t know if you noticed, but there was this moment.”

“With Oscar in the kitchen, right?” he asks.

Again, I nod. “And with Keller in the living room.”

Grayson’s brows rise, nearly touching his hairline. I laugh at the sight.

“Don’t give me that look.”

He shakes his head to clear whatever daze he was in. “I’m not trying to. This is just so unlike you. You’ve never dated, never even mentioned anyone. And now there’s suddenly two men in your life. How does that happen?”

Shrugging. I let myself fall back on the couch. Wait a minute, couch? When did he get a couch?

“When did you get a couch?” I ask him.

He giggles. “It’s a new development. My neighbor was getting rid of it, so I snatched it up since I seem to have more visitors these days.”

I mumble out an apology for my abrupt arrival. Clearly, he’s got a lot going on. More so if he let some random stranger give him a couch.

“Don’t change the subject. We’re here to talk about you and your men.” I laugh again with the way he says men. Like he’s so confused.

“Grayson, Can I be honest with you?” I don’t wait for him to respond before I’m going into the truth of the matter. “The reason you’ve never heard me date or known about anyone special in my life is because, quite honestly, there never has been someone. I’ve dated, sure. I’ve even thought about possibly seriously committing to someone. But it never got that far. It was never anything more than just a few dinners.”

I sigh deeply as I prepare to tell my brother the full truth of why my love life is the way it is. “Because at the end of the day, one person was never enough. I know that you call Shiloh LoLo, and I know that he is essentially your caretaker. Your caregiver. Whatever you want to call it. I know Princess Aster and Charlie have a Daddy relationship and I’ve seen several of your other friends, so I feel safe in saying this to you. I’ve wanted nothing more in my life, for all these years, than to have two men be my Daddies.”

Grayson gasps, his hand moving to his mouth. His features tell me that I’ve done an excellent job of hiding the truth from everyone. He never would have guessed had I not spoken it.

And I probably never would have, had it not been for these two men, and how different they are to each other and to me.

It’s like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. And I want to be stuck there. But not in this way. Not when I feel like I’m almost an intrusion or a distraction from something else.

It’s not anything that either of them said. It’s really just me and how I feel. It’s the vibes I get off of them. There’s something more there but I don’t know what it is.

The last part I say out loud. Grayson nods his head, his hand finally moving from his mouth as he comes back to me. “I don’t know if I should be telling you this or not. Because it’s really none of my business but something Shiloh mentioned in passing one time.”

I wave for him to continue. “Oscar and Keller were kind of sort of a thing. And I don’t know if "thing" is actually a phrase I would use. It was more like one of them loved the other, but it never progressed past friendship. A kiss might have happened. Like I said, I don’t know all the details. I just know that one of them felt some way and the other one didn’t. For both of them to be pursuing you or showing interest or whatever you’re doing doesn’t make sense. At least not to me.”

His words confuse me even further. “I can’t pick just one, Grayson. Both of them offer something that I want. Something that I need. To take it a step further. I don’t know that I even could because, quite frankly, I need a Daddy. I need someone who will take care of me. Who will love me unconditionally. Do you think either of them would be that way? Have they ever said anything around you?”

My brother looks to the side, his eyes searching. I’m not sure if he’s reliving a memory or avoiding my question. So I wait patiently.

After a few long, silent moments he speaks up. “I can’t say for sure. Neither have said it outright to me. However, I get the feeling that it’s there. Oscar lost his mind when Keller was injured. He was raving mad in the hospital ready to tear the walls down to get to him. And I’ve seen the way that Keller watches Oscar. It’s like a quiet determination. As if he cares about the other man but he won’t allow himself to feel those emotions. Listen to me. I’m all waxing poetic now.”

Laughing I lean forward again, making my position closer to him. I reach a hand out to touch his knee to where he’s sitting in his rolling chair across from me.

“It’s okay to wax poetic. You got yourself a pretty awesome love story going on over there. And I don’t want to be the one to rain on your parade. I just really needed some advice. And Vaughn was not an option.”

Grayson snorts. “Yeah. Tell me about it.”

I can tell he’s gearing up to share some things about my twin, but we’re interrupted by a shrill ringing noise.

“Crap!” he shouts while rolling away from me.

He moves over to the computer. With a click of a button the computer lights up along with all of the screens. Really it looks more like an evil villain lair than it does a computer tech’s office.

But I guess that’s the beauty of working at home. He gets all his tech gear to himself so he can have his evil little computer world.

“I’m here, I’m here. Sorry about that. I have unexpected company.”

Princess Aster leans closer to the screen, his eyes brimming with amusement. “I can see that. Hello there, Neil.”

I wave. “Hi, Princess Aster. Good to see you again.”

He smirks. “You, too. Did you have a good evening at the party? Make any new friends?”

I can see Grayson’s shoulder shaking as he holds back his laughter. Everyone knows Princess Aster is one to try and matchmake couples. With the few single people he had there, it’s no wonder he’s asking me. He probably has some type of idea who he wants to pair up next.

“I did,” I finally reply. “Made a few friends but most of the people I already knew. What about you? Did you enjoy the holiday?”

He gives me a wide smile. “Of course. The holidays are my favorite time of year. Well really any time of year is my favorite as long as my friends and family are around. My friends seem to keep growing, so it’s good. That’s not my reason for calling today though. I’m here to talk about the app. Are you joining our conversation today, Neil? Maybe you can lend a little bit of advice on how to reach different demographics.”

“Is that your way of calling me old?”

He pretends to be offended that I would even ask such a question. His hand presses to his chest as his mouth gapes open. It’s like that meme. I’ve seen students post around from that guy on that modeling show. How they even know that since it was before their time is beyond me. It was something I watched back when I was younger. For them to know it seems odd.

“I do not dare suggest such a thing, Neil. As you know my Charlie is older than me. We like to call it seasoned. Experienced. Anything other than old?”

“That’s good. I’d hate to tell Vaughn that one of his new favorite people called him old. You know, since we’re the same age and all.”

“Could have fooled me,” he says. I give him a look that says what can you do?

Vaughn and I did get the same basic genetic coding. I somehow got the Fountain of Youth while he aged at a reasonable rate. It’s just when you put us side by side and tell people we’re twins, they usually don’t believe it.

I get why Princess Aster would make the comment though. For a lot of people at the party it was the first time seeing us together side by side in real time. It can be really tricky.

When I tell them I’m willing to give my perspective, the two of them dive into basic description of the app. Of course, there’s NDAs and things involved that make them not be able to share everything, but they think Miguel would be willing to let me be an unofficial consultant of sorts. I give them my ideas of how to reach people closer to my age - that late 30s, early 40s era they have no idea about.

We’re talking about themes and color design and what we like most when Grayson blurts out that there really needs to be someone to handle the graphics for everything.

“I thought you all had that figured out before now. Aren’t you just a few weeks out from releasing this thing?”

He shakes his head. “It’s one of those things that you have on your list to do but you never get done. Really? We’ve been building the bones of this thing as we wait to figure it all out. Every little detail is built upon another baseline. We’ve been trying to mold a foundation and now that we have the foundation the pillars need to be erected.”

“Did someone say ‘erected’,” Princess Aster jumps in the conversation again with a teasing tone. “Speaking of a need for designers, Byron, who you met at the party, is excellent for the role. He has an eye unlike anything I’ve ever seen. And he is one of the most amazing people in my life. In fact, he was one of my very first friends whenever we used to go play at this little event downtown.”

My ears perk up at the word little. I know he’s talking specifically about the kink lifestyle.

“There’s an event,” I question. He nods rapidly.

“There is. We went there for some time, but then decided to open up this place.” He motions behind himself to his industrial loft apartment office structure. I don’t know what to call the thing. It’s massive. “Once we made the switch over here, to gather and renovate, we kind of left that behind. The only times that we really get together outside of here is when we go to Club Deny.”

Grayson nods. “I know about that place. Mateo Rojas owns it.”

“That’s correct. He and his partner Lewis own it together. And Lewis is Miguel’s best friend. And well, I won’t go into all the other details. There’s a lot more people for you to meet. But that will come with time.”