Chapter 20

CHAPTER 20

Xavier

Two days after Kate’s phone call, Dexter and I found ourselves at LSU’s botanical gardens.

The place was absolutely beautiful and only an eight-minute drive from the campus. Arriving at the facility right after lunch, there were already plenty of people milling about in the front area leading into the main entrance.

While waiting in line to get in, we people-watched at the kids with their families running around on the front lawn while parents wrestled bracelet tickets onto their wrists. Simple things like this were the unexpectedly fun parts about coming to a new city.

We’d decided to start off working our way to the back of the property and ending at the front, leaving the flower gardens for last, since that’s where most of the tourists that were around for the season were convening.

A good bout of rain had cut the mugginess in the air down by about half, leaving us to walk through the trail in a pleasant sixty-five degrees and sunny. The boardwalk leading back to the wetlands was surrounded by tall trees on either side of it, shading us under a nice canopy from the hot sun above.

Dexter had a map of the entire site in his hands that he stared down at while we walked side-by-side. He’d already marked off a few spots that I took as him wanting to stop by our way down, judging by the stars next to them.

This entire trip, I’d been impressed with his meticulous nature. Not being around for most of his formidable school years had put me at a disadvantage for knowing a key part of my son’s life that led him into getting into LSU to begin with.

Seeing him like this was a nice peek into a part of what I’d missed for all of those years he’d moved through school.

“You know, if you end up going to LSU, you’ll be able to walk here whenever you want.” With this place being as large as it was, I doubted we were going to get the full experience of everything on just today alone.

There was a bit of regret in me for not having researched LSU as soon as Dexter had told me about his offer.

I’d been wary to send him off to a major city in the south to begin with, the reputation of the state clouding my own judgment and keeping me from actually being as supportive as I could’ve been. Don’t get me wrong, I was damn happy he’d gotten accepted to a college early, regardless of where it was located even if being gay in the south had always sounded like a death sentence to me. One that would end in ostracisation or worse.

The more I saw of Baton Rouge, the more I was beginning to understand why Gage wasn’t willing to leave it behind and why Dexter was considering coming here in the first place. The culture was rich, the people were hospitable, and there was a ton of stuff to do outside of campus life.

Outside of the same prejudices we’d find in parts of California, Baton Rouge wasn’t abnormally terrible on that scale. Not enough for me to spend the rest of this week trying to convince Dexter to look elsewhere for school options.

“Yeah, I was thinking that.” He folded up the map into a neat square to stick into his pocket. “I’m not really that informed on agriculture. But if I ever wanted to go into a program like that, LSU obviously has a good one.”

“I’ll say.” If these gardens were anything to go by, my kid would be opening up his own damn farm by the end of his Bachelor’s. “How are you liking having the twins around? They’re not giving you too much trouble, are they?”

Dexter shook his head. “They’re nice. I like them. It’s kind of funny watching them and Gage bicker. I get an up close personal look into what it would’ve been like if I had a sibling.”

I held back a snort.

There were times before Kate and I broke up where we’d talked about having another one. Obviously, that never came into fruition with my cheating and breaking up our marriage, though the idea still entertained itself years after that.

At one point, I’d gotten so desperate after having lost Dexter that I’d walked into a damn donor bank and asked to be matched with someone who was willing to have an open IVF journey that I could step in and help co-parent. I’d been chased off the property soon after, my prayers for another child going unanswered.

During that time, I’d even contemplated calling up Kate and telling her that regardless of how she felt about me, Dexter deserved a sibling. Thankfully, I’d never gotten the courage to do that and had let myself wallow until the pain numbed me.

Those were some of my darker days that I’d take to the grave and tell no one about. Something in the universe had been looking out for me back then, not wanting me to help bring another child into this world when I was already severely fucked up and not dealing with it well.

“Do you like them?” he asked.

“Yeah, they’re good kids.” I used my hand on his back to guide Dexter away from the middle of the boardwalk as a large family moved past us, heading in the opposite direction. “I’m surprised you clicked with them so easily.”

“I am capable of making friends,” he drawled.

Wincing, I said, “That’s not what I meant.”

Even though that’s definitely what I’d been implying.

If Dexter wanted to keep his circle of friends small, then it wasn’t really my place to say anything. Despite my initial worries about him when I’d talked to Gage about it, he was clearly capable of befriending whoever he wanted with no signs of the stunted social skills that I’d previously worried about.

“Uh huh,” was all he said back, guiding us onto another pathway.

“I’m sorry. I know I’m being overprotective.”

Admitting that out loud to anyone other than Gage had me clamming up with self-consciousness. We were supposed to be in the ‘mentor/guide’ phase of our relationship, according to the parenting books I’d been given by my therapist late last year. Except missing out on all of the milestones with him before this stage had left me trying to overcompensate big time.

Now, I was at that fun stage of uncertainty where every misstep felt astronomical.

“It’s fine. You’re not half as bad as mom and Dan.” He rolled his eyes. “I swear they’d lock me up in a bubble if it was legal.”

“That bad, huh?” Not that I couldn’t imagine Kate going overboard with her overprotectiveness, either. We were both grabbing at Dexter and yanking him in opposite directions, even with us being newly cordial.

Hearing that his stepfather was similar, though, had me curious. “Do you like him? Dan, I mean.”

Dexter shrugged. “He’s fine. He can get a bit over the top when he’s trying to get his point across. He was pissed when I told mom that I didn’t want to go to church anymore two summers ago. He tried taking me to this lecture at another church a few towns over to try and convince me to go again.”

“That sounds... a bit much.”

“That’s how Dan is. He’s been that way since I can remember. I think he still sees me as just mom’s kid and not his stepson, which is fine, I guess. I’m not really bothered by it. It only gets annoying when he tries to ground me or force me into doing things that I don’t want to do like the church thing. The entire time, I felt so weird because he barely pays attention to me otherwise.” Dexter shook his head. “I don’t do anything bad. So, I don’t know what his deal is.”

How complicated.

No wonder Dexter was standoffish with me. Aside from the obvious that he hardly knew me, having some man trying to come in and take over the father role he’d been without for so long must’ve felt like a slap in the face no matter how I framed it at the time.

Why were any of us surprised when he dug his heels in to resist the change?

The only consistency he’s ever had was his mother.

I wanted to believe that Kate’s choice in a husband after me was carefully considered and not an impulsive move in order to fulfill a role that I was no longer available for. No matter how I felt about her replacing me so easily when I’d begged her to let me in.

In the end, Dexter had turned out to be a very thoughtful, smart, and idealistic person that had a bright future ahead of him. None of which I could chalk up to having been born out of my influence. Maybe now for the future, I could take some credit, but for now, this was still all Kate.

Throwing my arm around his shoulders, I brought him against my side to squeeze him. “Listen, you’re an incredible person, Dex. Don’t let anyone tell you or let you think otherwise. I’m so damn proud of you. Anyone would be lucky to call you their son.”

He blinked up at me, his lips parting in surprise. “You... really mean that?”

“Of course I do. I wouldn’t be saying it if I didn’t.”

A small smile tugged at his lips. His gaze darted away from me bashfully while his voice was quiet, barely able to be heard over the breeze picking up through the trees. “Thanks, dad.”

“Anytime.”

I let my arms slip from him and back down to my sides. His shoulder brushed with mine as a couple of joggers came up from behind us and passed us on either side, their faces red and chests heaving heavily from their workout.

Both of us fell into a peaceful lull of silence. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to express to him how grateful I was that he’d asked me to take him on this trip. In just the span of a few short days, I felt closer to him than I had this entire past year.

Dexter letting me into his world inch by inch felt just as rewarding as getting my damn one year sober chip.

“You know,” when he finally spoke again, I looked at him. “If I end up going to LSU, you could move here, too. Gage seems pretty happy to have you around.”

Wryly, I said, “Trying to set me up?”

He shrugged, though there was that same small smile playing on his lips from earlier. “Aren’t you tired of long distance?”

“God. Yes.” I sighed. I was tired of a lot of things that were getting in the way of Gage and I. For one, his weird hot and cold attitude. But I wasn’t sure how much of that was from us being forced into close proximity with a full house or something else going on with him. “I don’t know if living together is the right move right now, though.”

Dexter frowned. “Why not?”

“It’s complicated.”

He stared at me.

Jesus, who knew my kid would be this invested in my love life. “I think I upset him, but I’m not sure how. So, he’s been a little off with me the past few days.”

“Huh.” Dexter turned back to face the boardwalk. “So, what do you think happened?”

“Kid, if I knew, I would’ve solved it by now.”

He snorted. “All right. True. You guys aren’t... breaking up, right?”

Aw, was he worried?

That warmed my heart if that was the case. Going from being terrified of him knowing I was dating someone, to him finding out and trying to give me relationship advice was a one-eighty flip that I never would’ve predicted but welcomed wholeheartedly.

“No, no. Nothing like that. Sometimes couples go through weird phases. I’m sure we’ll be fine once I get him to actually talk to me.”

He fell into another contemplative silence, his teeth gnawing on his bottom lip. Sometimes I wished I could reach in there and take a peek at those thoughts that always seemed to be rattling around inside of his head.

“I can ask Asher and Greyson to take me out tonight somewhere. Maybe a local restaurant or something so that you and Gage can have some privacy to talk,” he finally suggested.

I threw my arm back around him again, bringing him in so I could press a quick peck to the side of his head. “Hey, no meddling. You just worry about yourself and enjoying your vacation. I don’t want you stressing about this. I appreciate you caring, but I swear we’re okay. Couples sometimes go through rough patches, it happens. I’m sure you’ve seen your mom and Dan go through something similar a couple of times.”

He grunted at me. “That doesn’t count. They preach at each other until one of them gives up and goes to bed for the night.”

I held back making a face. “They still make up in the end, though, right?”

“I guess?”

Oh, boy.

Well, it wasn’t exactly my place to speculate on my ex-wife’s relationship with her husband. As far as I knew, they weren’t splitting up anytime soon. “I appreciate you worrying about me.”

“Fine. All right. Message received.”

“I love you, Dex.”

He smiled again, shrugging my arm off of him. “Love you, too, dad.”

We pit-stopped at a small pavilion that had a couple of restrooms attached to the back of it. I leaned against the side of the building while Dexter headed around to the bathrooms, giving me the chance to pull out my phone and check my messages.

There was only one from Gage that was him replying to my message from earlier telling him that we’d arrived at the botanical gardens safe and sound. While at face value, there was nothing wrong with what he’d said back, I could tell we were still at the same place we were two days ago.

Since then, he’d seemed to be masking whatever it was that he was feeling off about, causing us both to fall into a weird and stilted rhythm that I absolutely hated.

Maybe Dexter was right—maybe we did need to take tonight to work things out and talk. I hadn’t wanted to push him on the subject since, believing that giving him space would end with him coming around to talking to me about it.

But maybe that was simply my way of being a coward. I’d left it all on Gage’s shoulders to bring to me without providing the proper space for him to do so. Telling him I’d be around for whenever he felt like opening up wasn’t the same thing as bringing the problem to the table and asking him to talk to me about it.

I could plead with him all I wanted about talking to me, and unless he was suddenly feeling no longer clammed up about it, we were going nowhere.

Typing up a text to send to him, I read it over a few times before hitting ‘send’.

What time do you get off tonight? I want to take you out. Just you and me.

His reply was almost instant.

Really?? Where? I get off at six :)

There was my eager boyfriend. The man loved to be wined and dined regardless of what was going on between us.

I’ll look up some local spots. We’ll head out around 6:30.

A sudden scream shook me hard enough to push away from the wall and swing around to the back side of the building where I’d heard it coming from. My phone vibrated with Gage’s incoming text right as I shoved it into my pocket.

“Get away from me!” someone shouted again, sounding a hell of a lot like my son.

My heart thumped hard in my chest as I ran to the bathrooms.