Chapter 5

5

Tanner's mouth was perfection, especially that curling upper lip.

Maisy had ever only been kissed once, by a young man she'd met in town at a dance shortly after she'd moved to the area. At the time, she'd been curious about kissing and how it would feel, since she'd witnessed Nelly kissing Glenn.

So when the young man—whose name she didn't remember—had walked her out of the Inman's Lodge and dipped his head down for a kiss, she hadn't resisted.

But she certainly hadn't thought it anything special. It had been sloppy and wet. She'd broken it off and walked away, even though the fella had called after her.

In spite of her dismal kissing experience, there was something about Tanner's mouth that told her kissing him would be different. And she wanted to find out how different.

As curious as always, she stood up on her toes, cupped Tanner's face, and in the same motion, brought it down to hers. She touched her lips to his, softly, tentatively, wanting to feel him and test out his appealing lips for herself.

He stood frozen in place, clearly taken by surprise. He didn't back away, but neither did he respond.

And she wanted him to. She wanted him to be interested in kissing her too.

But he'd always treated her with the utmost respect. Even if he was good at flirting, that's all it had ever been—plain and simple flirting and nothing more. He'd never hinted at being attracted to her or wanting anything from her. But last night and today, he'd held her in a way he never had before. That had to mean something, didn't it?

Regardless, she wanted to kiss him. And when she wanted something, she rarely denied herself.

She pressed her lips against his more firmly and with more demand.

His eyes rounded, and he drew in a breath, as though he hadn't expected her to really kiss him. But then he pressed back with a short, sweet peck before pulling away.

Surely a man like Tanner had more to his kisses than soft, sweet pecks.

She aimed to find out. Before he could move too far from her, she slid her hands to the back of his neck and tugged him back down. At the same time, she met his mouth and focused on his upper lip. She teased it with a nibble before taking it more fully and suckling it.

His hand against her spine tightened, and he released a soft growl. In the next instant, his mouth covered hers. Although, cover didn't quite describe his move. It was more like he took possession of her mouth, as if he'd paid for it in gold and now it belonged to him.

The surge of his lips was no longer soft or sweet. Instead it was strong and sharp. And this time she was the one to draw in a surprised breath.

Her intake only seemed to fuel his kiss, and he possessed her more deeply, his lips colliding with hers, giving her no choice but to collide back.

Her lashes fluttered closed with the pure pleasure that coursed through her. Yes, this was what she'd wanted to experience with him. Maybe this was what she'd even secretly dreamed of doing with him.

Course, she'd always denied any desire for him beyond friendship. As handsome and charming and sweet as he'd always been, she'd known she had to keep an attraction from forming. What if it had been growing regardless of her efforts to fight against it?

The rhythm of his lips kept pace with hers, and the kiss seemed to take her high into the universe, where she was lost in the vastness of space. But she was lost with him, with just the two of them, spinning and circling until she was dizzy and could hardly stand without crumpling.

She clung to him and wasn't sure how long the colliding kiss lasted—maybe just a few seconds, maybe a minute. Whatever the case, it left her completely breathless, and she had to pull back to gasp for air. At the same time, his labored exhalations taunted her lips, as though to beckon her to let him possess her again.

Oh, dear heavens. The kiss she'd had outside the lodge couldn't begin to compare with Tanner's kiss. It wasn't even close.

In fact, nothing else that she'd previously experienced in life could compare with his kiss. It wasn't real, was it? What if it was just a fluke? What if the next kiss was boring? What if it didn't affect her as much?

He'd seemed to like it and be affected by it. At the very least, he hadn't pushed her away. Instead, his hand on her spine was taut, his fingers pressing into her with a force that radiated all the way to a place deep inside.

She could kiss him again to test things out.

With a shake of his head, almost as if he was frustrated with himself, he began to step away. Before he could break their connection, she tightened her hold around his neck and drew him back, this time more powerfully, surging upward and letting her lips meet with his again.

She wasn't tentative or uncertain about the kissing any longer. She'd experienced the power of the connection, and she craved more. In fact, every single inch of her body craved another kiss, as though she was starved for it and would die without it.

As her mouth tangled with his, he hesitated but a moment. Then he released another low growl at the back of his throat before joining in the kiss again just as passionately as the last time, perhaps even more so—as if he'd abandoned any need to hold himself back and was giving in to whatever this was that was happening between them.

What exactly was happening?

She didn't understand it. But she wouldn't let that stop her from enjoying this moment with him. Because not only did she love the pressure of their lips fusing, but she loved the pressure of their bodies together. He was so strong and powerful and rugged. And there was something that made her feel secure within the shelter of his arms—so much so that she had a sudden need to stay there with him, be with him, and never leave him. The need flooded her so powerfully she trembled. And she hesitated.

What was she doing kissing Tanner and letting her desires surface like this? She couldn't stay with him, be with him, and never leave him. Not when she'd vowed that she wouldn't become like her ma or Nelly and marry a mountain man.

Their lives had been miserable and lonely and full of heartache. And look how both had ended... abandoned by their husbands, without loyalty, without devotion, and without commitment.

As if sensing her hesitation, Tanner broke the kiss and stepped back.

This time, she didn't hold on to him. She let go of him and hugged her arms to her chest.

"Lord in heaven above." Tanner spun and paced to the stable. He stopped abruptly and stood stiffly.

Was he wishing he hadn't kissed her?

She could honestly say that she didn't regret it, that she was glad they'd kissed, that she'd loved every moment of it. But she could also see that doing so might be dangerous. The pleasure from the connection was swirling low inside her belly. Her lips were still warm from the heated kissing, her body still flushed from the contact. It would be all too easy to throw herself upon him again and keep kissing and holding him without stopping...

Her mind flashed to the times when Glenn had been home and had shared the bed with Nelly.

Embarrassed heat speared her cheeks. From her pallet on the floor, she'd always tried to sleep and ignore the two, doing her best to give them some privacy. But she wasn't na?ve. She knew where all the kissing and hugging eventually led. And that end had to be reserved for the marriage bed.

And since marriage to Tanner was out of the question, the kissing and hugging had to be out of the question too. Especially because she'd already determined that their first kiss hadn't been a fluke—that second kiss had been even better, so that she'd only wanted more of him, not less.

In fact, she could see how kissing him could become addictive. The more they kissed, the more they would want. And the more they wanted, the more they'd kiss. And where would it eventually lead?

She'd always wondered how women with self-respect could end up pregnant before marriage. But she supposed if such women had felt even half of what she'd just felt with Tanner, they could've easily tossed aside all reason.

But not her. She wasn't tossing aside a single ounce of reason. She wouldn't let herself kiss Tanner again. Twice was all.

"I'm an idiot." Tanner's voice was low and filled with self-loathing.

Was he having second thoughts about their kissing now too? Maybe he hadn't liked it. Maybe she hadn't kissed him as well as the other women he'd known—because surely a man like Tanner had kissed plenty of other women. He probably had women throwing themselves upon him everywhere he went.

The very image of him bending in and kissing someone else the way he'd just kissed her sent protest through her—protest she knew she shouldn't feel because Tanner didn't belong to her. He could kiss anyone he wanted. They'd both be better off if he did.

Tanner's fingers pinched the back of his neck. "I'm sorry, Maisy."

"Don't be." She tried to keep her voice light, but it came out breathless, and only then did she realize how winded she was from the kissing.

He turned to face her, dropping his hands and grabbing the stable railing. His brown eyes were darker than midnight. As he took in the heaving of her chest, he swallowed hard before casting his gaze down to the patch of yellowed grass in front of him, gripping the rail behind him even tighter.

A heated shiver raced up her spine. There was definitely something happening between them, something that had been unleashed—something that was powerful.

"I intended to comfort you." His words came out harshly. "And I shouldn't have kissed you."

She had to defuse this new tension. Otherwise he was gonna run away and never come back. And she couldn't let that happen. They'd been friends for too long, and she didn't want to lose him.

Before he could say anything more, she forced a laugh. "Tanner, hush up."

He glanced up and then immediately focused on the grass again.

"You're not at fault." She made her voice nonchalant—even though there was nothing nonchalant about this situation—because she sensed that one wrong word or move would push him away forever. "I'm the one who kissed you."

"You're grieving and vulnerable and not thinking straight."

Maybe he was correct. If she'd been in her right mind and not reeling from Nelly's death, maybe she wouldn't have fallen so easily into his arms. Maybe they wouldn't have been so close. And maybe she wouldn't have initiated a kiss.

Or maybe she would have eventually anyway. Because if she was completely honest, she'd harbored an attraction to Tanner Oakley since she'd met him. What woman wouldn't be attracted to such a charming and good-looking man?

Now that she was old enough to start thinking about men, he rose far above anyone else she'd known. He was everything she'd ever wanted in a man... except for one thing.

She released a tense breath. That one thing—his wandering ways—was an enormous obstacle, one she'd never be able to overlook or accept. And even if at some point Tanner decided to put aside his fur trapping and trail guiding to get married, he was too restless and too unsettled to stay in one place for very long.

Not that he wanted her. Just because he'd kissed her didn't mean he was thinking about marrying her. She was getting too far ahead of herself.

"Listen, Maisy." He straightened his shoulders as if bracing himself for what he needed to say. "I was wrong to kiss you. It was taking advantage of the situation, and I shouldn't have done it."

She waved a hand at him, trying to brush off his concerns. "I was curious about kissing you, that's all. And now that we've kissed, it's done and in the past."

She had to make it done and in the past for the reasons she'd just told herself.

He peered beyond her to the woodland bordering the clearing, as if he was hoping her pa and Glenn would come walking out. Yes, clearly he wanted to run away from all that had happened between them.

She couldn't let him leave like this, though—not without him realizing he didn't have to be afraid of anything. Because she had no intention—not even the smallest iota—of pursuing him.

He glanced inside the stable at his horse munching on hay.

He was just like all the other men in her life. He came and went as he pleased. Nothing ever tied him down.

"We'd better head on out." His voice was still tight.

"We?"

"Now that Nelly's gone, you said for yourself that you don't need to live here."

So he wasn't planning on running away without her? She almost sagged with relief.

"I'll ride with you to Breckenridge," he continued, "and help you make arrangements to go to live with your aunt in Minnesota."

At his words, the relief evaporated, and dismay filled its place. Maybe he wasn't running from her, but he was trying to send her away real fast, which was just about the same thing.

Even if he wasn't pushing her away, she still couldn't leave today and make arrangements to go to Minnesota. She didn't have any money beyond a few pennies. She was gonna have to ask her pa for the cash to pay all the traveling fees. And if he said no, she'd either have to wire a telegram to her aunt and ask for help, or she'd have to find work in Breckenridge and save up.

But she wouldn't admit that to Tanner. She didn't want his charity or his pity.

The truth was, she could manage living in the mountains just fine on her own until Pa returned. Even without Nelly there. During those times when Nelly had been sick after miscarriages or the previous stillbirth, Maisy had shouldered everything. She knew how to do all the work and how to survive against the worst of the elements that came with mountain living—freezing temperatures, low provisions, dangerous wild animals, and more.

"I'm not ready to move." She was a strong woman. And she didn't need a man. "Reckon you'll need to go on without me."

Tanner shook his head curtly. "I can't leave you here alone, and you know it."

"I can't leave yet, and you know it . First, I need to tell Pa and Glenn what happened and where I'm going."

"Write them a note."

"Neither of them read. And even if they did, I can't go off to Minnesota without saying goodbye." She hoped her excuse sounded believable.

Tanner opened his mouth as if he wanted to object. But he knew as well as she did that even though her pa was gone for long stretches, he was a decent man and had always loved his wife and daughters. And in spite of everything, Maisy still loved him in return.

"He'll be crushed to learn of Nelly's death," she added, "and he'll be worried if he finds me gone."

"But if you stay too long, you might miss the chance to get out of the high country and to Minnesota before passes are covered."

"Then I'll only stay another week or two. They'll be home before too long." At least, she hoped so. And she hoped her pa would understand that she couldn't stay with him any longer. Maybe now, after losing Nelly, he'd realize she'd be better off living a normal life. Maybe he'd finally be willing to give that to her. She could only pray it would be so.