Alder

I haven’t spoken to or seen Ivy in two days, but it may as well have been two years. She told me she was leaving Silverthorne, and all I’ve really been able to do is sulk over it. I can feel the distance she’s putting between us. It’s like my heart’s being ripped from my chest with every one of my calls that she sends to voicemail and each one of my texts that goes unanswered. I stopped by her cabin, but she wasn’t there. I panicked, thinking she’d left, but later, I got a text from Florence telling me that she was staying at the hotel for a couple of nights.

Baby Lo

She’s at the hotel.

Is she alright?

Baby Lo

She hasn’t really said much other than she didn’t really feel like talking.

Okay, thanks, Baby Lo. Please keep me in the loop.

Baby Lo

Nope. Sorry, sweet brother of mine. I’m not going to keep tabs on her for you. I only told you she was here, so you knew you still had a shot. The rest is between you two.

That’s fair. Thank you. Love you.

Baby Lo

I love you too. So I hope you can fix this.

I will. I just need to figure out how.

The relief that washed over me at hearing she hadn’t left for good, at least yet, was enough to ease the tension in my shoulders. I need to see her, though. To explain myself better. If she would just let me speak to her. She deserves more than my apologies, but I’ll beg if she’ll let me.

These are the thoughts I’m left with, that and her smell still clinging to my pillow every night as I try, and fail, to fall asleep. Her purple toothbrush sits next to mine in the cup by my sink. She left her ski suit here after our last lesson. I couldn’t bear to look at it any longer, so I have it hanging in my closet next to all my clothes; a constant reminder that she should be here next to me too. I decide to head out to the mountain and get a couple of runs in to get my mind clear before attempting to make this right. I will explain, and she will understand because if I can’t and she doesn’t—I don’t know how to move on from this. From her. I don’t think my soul can take another hit. Another loss.

The drive up the mountain is long as I try to calm my thoughts. Gearing up for a run, I know I need to focus, but I can only think about our last conversation. I just asked her to stay. God, I feel like such an idiot. She’s been clear on what this is from the beginning. “It doesn’t matter anyway, . This was never going to work long-term. I was always going to leave, and this was only ever a fling.” I just thought things had been changing between us. She’s so much more open with me now. They have changed. I may have handled the situation with her father wrong, but if she would just let me explain, let me apologize. It’s only been two months. I need more time with her. I need her. I’m in love with her. So damn in love with her. Did I tell her that? Oh, god. Why didn’t I tell her that? My house smells of her orange candies. I have a journal filled with her. I don’t write about anything else these days. I don’t think about anything else besides her.

I’m a man possessed. For so long, I’ve survived. A silent struggle that I never wanted to share. Sharing my deepest thoughts and dreams with Ivy? It was like if I didn’t share it with her, the world might end. I wanted her to know me. Inside and out. I want to be embedded into her skin. Like she’s in mine.

Ivy is the only thing on my mind as I weave down the side of the peak. I go over the last month in my head from the moment I laid eyes on her. Things changed on New Year’s when she started staying over in my home, in my bed. But if I’m being honest with myself, things were changing before then. Every time she was near, I only wanted to be closer. I only ever want to be with her. I haven’t let myself look toward the future since losing Ray. I’ve focused instead on being the best I can be at my job and the best version of myself for me and for my family .

I’m a good man in a storm. I know my limits and follow protocol. That’s how you stay alive when things go sideways. But Ivy Rutherford has me wanting to be reckless. Jump first and see where we land. We could end up with broken dreams and broken hearts, but being with her, experiencing any length of time with Ivy, may never satisfy my need for her. But the comedown after riding that high would be worth the rush that it would bring.

I reach the bottom of my run with renewed determination. I frantically unstrap myself from my board and run to where I have my truck parked. I need to tell her that I’ll move to California if that’s what she wants. I’ll go wherever she wants me to. I’ll find a job in California; my resume is decent, and I have enough money to get me by. I’ll figure it out as long as I’m where she is. As much as I love calling Silverthorne home, Ivy is where I want to be at the end of a long day. She’s where I want to lie down at night. She is my home.

I throw my board into the back and drive down the mountain road. My mind is racing, knowing this could be my last chance to get everything I’m thinking and feeling off my chest, and I’m desperate to see her again. Her, just her. I’m almost there, and my mind gets more and more tangled. I can’t lose her, at least not because of distance. I need to lay it all out, every card on the table. I want her to know how I feel, how important she is to me, how precious. How I don’t want to change a single stubborn thing about her.

I pull up outside her cabin, barely managing to park before jumping out and running to her front door. I knock five times in quick succession. Then I’m yelling.

“Ivy! I need to talk to you! I know it’s only been a couple of months, but you’ve turned my world upside down in ways I could have only ever dreamed!” I am fully aware that surrounding cabins can probably hear me. Good. “Ivy, if you don’t answer, I’ll come in anyway because as much as it drives me completely insane, I know you never lock your door.” I give it another ten seconds and then open the door slowly. She never locks her fucking door. I’ll lock it for her. I’ll make sure our doors are locked every night if she’ll let me.

“Princess?” I call into the silence. Fully opening the door, I’m shocked at the sight before me. Nothing. There’s nothing left here except the faint smell of oranges. I walk into the cabin and in and out of the rooms. Everything’s gone. She’s left. And she didn’t even tell me goodbye. My first thought is to go after her, but maybe she’s making a clean cut.

She left. She left. She left.

I knew she said she was leaving, but now that she’s really gone? I see how entirely empty it makes me feel. I can almost hear her telling me I’m pathetic. I would give anything to hear her tell me what a love-sick fool I am as long as I could kiss the sass right out of her after.

She doesn’t want me. I showed her who I was, and she doesn’t want it. I don’t blame her, though, I’m not what she signed up for. She wanted fun and charming. I’m good at that. I’m good for that. That coupled with keeping things from her, I’m not somebody’s bring-home-to-Mom. I can feel my chest starting to get tight. My head is filling with pressure, and my eyes are burning. I haven’t felt this way in almost twelve years. I reach my hand up to my face, and it’s wet when I pull it back.

Crying in her empty cabin. She would have a field day with this. “Maybe you should try getting a grip, Lover Boy? Yeah?” I close my eyes. I’m not sure what to do. So I do the only thing I can think of: I go to tell the only person I want to tell.

Ray's grave is out past his family's property down at the Silverthorne Cemetery, but that’s not where I am now. I’m where I lost him. I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive myself. I know he wouldn’t blame me. It wasn’t even my decision, and maybe that’s what gets to me the most. Maybe it should have been my decision. That’s something that I bear alone. It was his idea to be ice climbing where we were. I wasn’t sure about it and wanted to do some more checks on it before starting. He started climbing before I could stop him, and I didn’t insist on our safety check.

We didn’t know that on the other side of the wall of ice would be a cavern. A cavern so deep that it took a week to recover Ray. That’s what my nightmares are about. Him—alone in that cavern that I couldn’t pull him out of. I steal my body as memories of that day beat against me. I lost Ray that day because I wasn’t careful. I wasn’t cautious. That’s why I always insist on all safety checks now. It’s why I fly a helicopter and why I trained to be an EMS. I don’t want to lose anyone again.

“Hey, Ray.” My voice is gritty. The wind is stinging my face now because of the tears there. “I met someone,” I tell him. I’ve talked to Ray many times over the years, but never here. “She’s stunning and funny. She’s so damn smart, and I want to listen to her talk forever. A dream. I’m in love with her.” The last sentence is a whisper. Part of my therapy was working through the guilt of moving on in life when he couldn’t.

It isn’t eating me alive anymore, but it’s still a work in progress. “I think she has feelings for me, but I waited too long. I didn’t tell her, and now she’s gone,” I choke out. “I know. I sound like men we would have made fun of. If you think this is funny, get a load of what she calls me. Lover Boy,” I say on a choked laugh. “What’s worse is that I love it. I think you two would really get along.” I let the words out into the thin mountain air.

“I’m not sure why I came here; I just wanted to tell someone I love that I’m in love.” I scoff. “Even though I can picture what you’d say to me and the face you’d make when saying it.” He would absolutely be making fun of me, but I also know deep down that he would understand. Ray was deep. Deeper than most people had a chance to see. That has me crying in earnest now. “I’m sorry, Ray. I’m so sorry.” I feel a hand on my shoulder and turn to see it’s Mr. Thompson. I feel the blood drain from my face. I wasn’t expecting to see him here. I avoid the cemetery, usually coming to this spot, so I don’t bother his family.

“I didn’t…I don’t…” I try for a coherent sentence, but I won’t be able to make one. I can barely see through the moisture collecting in my eyes.

“It’s okay, . It’s okay. I miss him too,” he tells me, and I collapse into him. Jerry and Sophia Thompson are two people I have avoided at all costs over the years. After being drunk and unable to speak at the funeral, I couldn’t bring myself to face them. “It wasn’t your fault, son.” At thirty-six years old. I didn’t expect to be crying into another man's arms like this, but life has a twisted and dark, humorous way of taking your expectations and bending them to see if you’ll break.

“I wasn’t…I didn’t…I’m so sorry, I should’ve…” I trip over my words, trying to contradict him, but he holds me steady and lets m e release so much guilt and pain that I’ve held onto, whispering words I really needed to hear.

“No one blames you, . You know Ray wouldn’t.” I cry until I have nothing left. Until the sun has moved further across the sky, and I say goodbye to Mr. Thompson. “Don’t be a stranger, please. Sophia would love to see you. She has some photos for you,” he tells me, and then he goes on his way. I wait till I see his truck disappear.

I’m not sure how long I’ve been sitting in the snow now. My pants are soaked through, and I know I need to leave. If I don’t, I’ll end up sick and in danger of getting frostbite. I stand and watch the sun lower up on the ridge. I think this one’s gonna be just for you, Ray,” I tell him. Feeling lighter than I have in years. Now, I just need to figure out how to make Ivy see that we belong together.

When I get back in my truck, I text all my siblings and let them in on my plan.

I’m going to get her back.

Baby Lo

It’s about time.

Rhett

Hell, yes!

Winnie

I approve of this message. I’ll go with you if you need backup. I kind of already inducted her into the girl gang, so…I’m going to need you to get her back ASAP.

Rhett

You have a gang, and I’m not in it, darlin’ ?

I chuckle at that, then see what my older brother has to say.

Knox

Hazel likes Ivy. Make it right and then be happy, . You deserve it.

A man of few words, but damn do they hold so much weight.

Thank you all. I love you. I leave in the morning, but I’ll keep you updated.

I bought a plane ticket. I leave tomorrow morning at seven o’clock. Which means I have twelve hours until my flight departs. I’m going to California to plead my case. I’ve never actually been there. I’ve been to Seattle a few times when Rhett was playing hockey there, but it’s been a while. I don’t leave town much, but I change that. I have learned skills that help me adapt. Maybe I should put them to use in my own life. Maybe I’ll take up surfing. Pull a reverse Johnny Tsunami . If some kid from Hawaii can learn how to snowboard, then I can figure out surfing.I can see it. If it means I’m with Ivy, I can see it.

I drive up to my cabin. It’s started snowing again. I’ve always loved the snow. It always reminds me of being a kid, and that feeling is tied to the possibilities of things to come. Tonight, it feels less magical though. I don’t see it cling to red hair and a purple coat. That thought actually feels like a physical blow. Will I see her in the snow again? I walk up my steps and put my key in the door. It’s already unlocked. Huh, I guess I shouldn’t have been such a prick about Ivy leaving her door unlocked when I have all day .

I push open the door, ready to find enough clothes for at least a couple of weeks. I also need to call Jack and let him know I’ll be gone for a while. I’m not sure how to start that conversation just yet. The weather is turning, and I hear my radio crackle from the kitchen. I turn up the volume and listen to the broadcast.

“There’s been an avalanche breakout in the area. Anyone able, please report. This is an all-hands-on-deck situation. We need all crews on standby.”

“Shit!” I run a hand through my hair and race to my bedroom to change into my gear. I toss my shirt onto the bed and hear something crunch underneath it. I pick it up and see a piece of paper. What I read chills me to my bones and sends fear down my spine.

“Fuck!” I yell and pray that I make it in time.