4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

ROMAN

“ H ey mom.”

This isn’t something I want to put on my mom, but I don’t know who else to turn to.

“Hey honey, how are you? Harrison said you left the office with a headache and never came back. Is everything okay?”

Thanks a lot Harry, I thought as I looked up at the ceiling and let out a breath. We might be a little old for tattle-tailing.

“I think we need to talk,” I managed to get out as I put a hand in my pocket and tried to decide if this was really the best idea. Mom had helped Alex at my request, but I didn’t know if this might be too hard for her to navigate trying to help me get through this. What Alex didn’t know is that mom doesn’t see patients anymore because it got too stressful, and she was sent off to a rehab program of sorts out of the country. I was younger then and found myself very protective of my mother and ended up with a lot of anger issues as a result. The thought of losing someone I love intensifies those feelings and Alex seems to have brought it all to the surface again.

“Do you want me to come over?” She asked but I needed some fresh air; the drive would do me some good.

“No, I’ll come to you. I think it will be calmer at your place than mine right now.” Too many memories here with Alex. I looked around catching a glimpse of the sofa, visualizing our last night together when we finally said “I love you” to one another. The thought is making my headache start to intensify again. I shake off the memory and head to the bedroom.

“Ok, I’ll see you soon honey.” I hung up and tossed the phone on the bed as I went to the bathroom to splash some water on my face.

I got in the car to the sound of my stomach growling. I probably needed to eat because I was feeling a little irritable when I pulled up to my parents’ house, realizing I haven’t eaten since breakfast. As soon as I got in the kitchen, she was plating up food for the three of us.

“Did I sound hungry on the phone?” Mind reading seems to be a thing in this family, or I just came at the right time.

“You used to get headaches when you were out all day playing and forgot to eat. I figured I could guess why you might have one now. You’ve been through a lot these past few weeks and I’m sure you’ve been a little preoccupied.” Mom leaned in to kiss my cheek so I leaned down a little so she could reach as she was handing me the plate. That’s what moms are for, aren’t they. They know us better than we know ourselves sometimes.

“You hit the nail on the head.” I agreed and kissed her cheek hello as well.

“What happened at noon that set you off?” She asked as I sat at the table and started eating before I said another word and realized how much I loved dinner time when I was growing up. It was always just the four of us. Tonight, we were having homemade spaghetti and meatballs– one of my favorites. Mom makes the best sauce. It’s tangy and the fresh grated parmesan melts perfectly over each bite.

I smiled as I remembered my childhood fondly.

I was torn from my memory by my father clearing his throat. “Hi, sorry.” What a great son I am. I didn’t even notice my dad sitting there.

He patted me on the back and said, “No problem, Roman, just make sure you’re taking care of yourself. What happened today that brought about all this.?” He waved at me as I slurped up pasta in his dining room. It’s not a normal everyday occurrence unless it’s one of our weekend planned dinners.

“My lunch visitor today was detective Lewis. She’s working with Alex on her assault case. She wanted to let me know that if it goes to court and Tanner doesn't plead out, I’ll probably get called to testify so they can nail down motives.” I didn’t tell my parents what Alex told the officer, though, about thinking they might be going after her to get to me. Didn’t need to freak my parents out too. They already knew she told the officers it was me that attacked her because of the drugs, and that was bad enough.

Dad inquired right before he took a bite of his pasta, “Do they think they have a good case?” Mom cut the conversation short by giving dad a sharp glare .

“Regardless of that,” she snapped. “Roman, let’s go to my office and talk. No sense in speculating about the hearing that hasn’t happened yet.” Wow, mom doesn’t typically go off like that. I wonder what that was all about.

I got up and followed mom out of the kitchen with food in hand and shrugged at dad. He didn’t seem too phased by it, but I could feel the tension radiating all around the room. I walked into mom’s office taking one last peek behind me to see if dad had turned to ash from mom’s rebuke. I planted myself cautiously on the other couch across from where mom sat and lay down after setting my dinner on the coffee table. I was exhausted in every way possible.

“What was that about back there?”

She scoffed, “Did you come here for more stress or less? You need to eat some more before we get started too.” She’s in mom mode, so I hopped up from my prone position. I’m not going to get an answer to that. I’m hungry, so finishing dinner first is probably the right idea.

“Good point,” I agreed, hoping to quell the hostility she seemed to be exuding. Her demeanor went back to normal after that and I ate before she asked anymore questions.

“Tell me what’s really bothering you.” I put the plate down and wiped my mouth on the napkin then got comfortable again.

“Am I really this pathetic, now?” I think she was trying not to laugh. Yeah, me too. What a pussy. I’m sitting here crying to my mommy over a headache. I fell back on the soft sofa and my head landed on one of the decorative feather pillows and sunk in. I wonder if mom would be worried if I pulled the blanket off the back of the sofa and curled up in the fetal position and went to sleep.

“Pathetic? That’s a strong word to describe this. I don’t really think it’s appropriate, either.” I rolled to face her and took a deep breath. The pain that had radiated through my head earlier was now nothing more than a memory.

“Well, how would you describe my behavior then? I mean, I forget to eat, I stare at her pictures on my phone all day, I try to figure out how to contact her or run into her without being creepy and I zone out at work.” I inhaled deeply before the next realization hit. “Harrison looks like the competent one right now.” That’s a sad revelation. I reach up and pinch the end of the blanket contemplating my earlier idea of curling up.

She laughed and tried to comfort me with words. “Oh honey, this is what it feels like to experience real genuine feelings for someone. Do you understand what I was trying to teach you before? Did you feel like this when things didn’t work out before with other women?” I closed my eyes and went through my mental contact list scanning all the other women that had once made a brief appearance in my life. The short and meaningless ‘relationships’ didn’t come close to what Alex and I had. Not even Caitlin, to whom I was engaged.

“You know I didn’t, but this sucks. Would it be the worst thing if I tried to get in touch with her?” I asked thoughtfully.

“The worst thing for who?” Fuck, I don’t know. Her, me? I can’t just sit around and pretend it never happened.

“Good question…” How about if I ask it this way. “...Do you think I should contact her? I mean do you think it would be alright if I did?” Let’s just shoot straight on this.

“Roman, I think that would be fine as long as you’re ready for her response. It could be any number of things. She could be polite, angry, dismissive or ignore you altogether. Are you prepared for that?” I laughed because I’ve literally been reduced to a pathetic excuse for a man .

“I’ve had a good three weeks of prep already.” I sat up with my elbows propped on my knees and my head resting in my hands.

“Well, how are you planning to do it?” Mom brought me out of my thoughts. What about throwing a rock through her window with a note attached? That would get her fucking attention. Now I’m thinking about things that might get me a visit from the cops I really don't want.

“I don’t know, I was thinking about just an email. Thought I would ease into stalking.” I laughed to myself. I didn’t want mom to think I really had lost it.

“That’s probably a good idea.” Thankfully she laughed. So, is she saying I should consider stalking if the email doesn’t work? It’s not a bad idea. I’m such an idiot.

I left feeling better without a headache. I didn’t go straight home, though. I needed to clear my head, so I drove to Alex’s favorite place, “Lookout Park.” It didn’t give me the creeps like it did the first time I came here with her before her mom’s funeral. It was the only place I felt like I could connect with her, now. I parked the car in the same place as last time, right in front of the city view. I opened the sunroof, turned Pink Floyd on the radio, lay back and watched the stars. I think she’s on to something here. This is so peaceful and relaxing. The sky is clear and black as ink. The stars are bright and twinkling almost in time with the music. There’s a gentle breeze blowing in weaving through my hair massaging the tension from my body. Why did it freak me out the night I was here with her? Maybe because I was focused so much on her and not just on being. Well, I’m focused on her again, but for a different reason.

I finished typing the email and hit send.

** *

ALEX

I stopped at the door to Grant’s office clenching my pants in my hands to get my bearings before speaking with the Santoros. This felt important for some reason. A little more serious than just saying hello. They both hugged me and gave me the European kiss to both cheeks. They felt like old friends; something about them drew me in.

Mrs. Santoro, Lucia, said in her thick, musical Italian accent, “Alexandra, it’s so wonderful to see you again. You look stunning. Time off has treated you well.”

Time off? You mean like mourning the death of my mother? I’m sure she didn’t mean it the way I took it, but the nausea working its way up into my throat didn’t seem to care about that.

I shook it off and said, “Thank you Mrs. Santoro…”

She politely encouraged me to use her first name as she took my hands in hers. “Lucia, please.”

“Lucia,” I repeated and smiled warmly in return. “I’ve been trying to stay busy.”

That’s the only way I could really describe it, and it was hard to hang on to the smile since pretending isn’t really something I’m good at. I think she understood and nodded her sympathy, then released my hands and moved closer to her husband.

Alessandro Santoro’s voice was deep, and had an almost threatening tone to his accent, but it never came across that way when he was speaking to me or Grant. “We wanted to let you know that Grant and your friend Mr. King got all the zoning issues fixed and we decided to put a bid on the property that looks closest to home.”

Mr. King, huh? I remember them telling me they met him at the hospital, but I didn’t realize they had gotten to know each other. The property he was referring to resembled an Italian villa on ten acres of land. It was impressive and perfect for a winery. I had a feeling that was the one they were going to choose but when the zoning got pulled. I thought it was a lost endeavor at that point.

“That’s wonderful. I can imagine it with rows and rows of grapes and endless wine tastings.” This was exhausting– pretending to be excited, although it was probably going to end up being my new favorite hangout.

They both smiled and said, “Bellissimo! Grazi.” I couldn’t handle polite conversation anymore, so I forced a smile, winked at Grant then said goodbye to everyone. I almost forgot Roman knew about the zoning on those houses. I wondered how he got it fixed but it no longer matters. Now I need to get the hell out of here.

I had nothing else going on today, so I decided to decompress and go for a walk downtown. I loved watching the boats float along the river. It looked like they were moving in slow motion. It’s not quiet like Lookout Park, so I’ll have to put my earbuds in and play music to drown out the unwanted noise, but it will do.

I made my way down the river walk and saw the swings Roman and I were going to use on the day we got caught in the rain. Those memories warmed me as much as this day with its clear skies. I sat down, closed my eyes and let the breeze from swinging take me away. The breeze was gentle and comforting. I could hear the whooshing of the wind past my ears and the squeaking of the chains holding the swing as I swung back and forth.

Oh, wow, okay, maybe that wasn’t the best idea. I felt like I was having an out of body experience– dizzying and floaty . My mind went to the plane ride to Florida, when Roman went on my family vacation with me. Being tied up and blindfolded while he just gently touched my feet, hands and neck was an experience I’ve never had before and probably never will again. That’s when I was introduced to the true meaning of love– tied to a chair a mile high on a plane. I caught myself laughing out loud and I jerked my head from side to side making sure no one was listening. Kind of ironic to think Roman taught me love and I broke his heart because I’m hallucinating about him assaulting me. There’s no way the Roman King I know could’ve ever done something so horrible. Why won’t my mind let it go?

It’s partly his fault for introducing me to all this empathic mumbo jumbo. Maybe that has something to do with it. He said he could feel what I was feeling during that little game of trust, and I guess he didn’t like it. I know he told me he loved me but, again, were those his feelings or mine? I wished he had never told me about this empathic stuff. Now I have no idea what feelings are real or even what’s real in my head.

Thank God I have all these “exercise” classes to take. Feeling physical energy is something I can relate to. It’s black and white. Maybe a little painful but I know it’s real and I know it’s mine. The head chatter is what I can’t handle, but the wine can handle it and that’s all I need right now. I stopped the swing with my feet and hung my head to clear it then got up and dragged myself home.

I made dinner, texted with the girls a bit then made plans to hang out with Shay and the boys this weekend. Maybe doing things I used to do will help set me straight.

I grabbed a glass of wine and turned on some music. This was kind of nice– getting back to talking and hanging out with my friends. I was definitely going to check on Ella and Darius tomorrow too. I felt bad walking away from them after I built up so much trust to get them to let me help them. When I found out their neighborhood was being torn down so greedy bastards could build condos and shopping centers, I made it my mission to make sure Ella and her grandchildren would be taken care of. I know Grant is doing that, but he already had his own stuff going on when I dumped all my crap on him. I tossed my phone to the table and leaned my head back on the sofa, letting my eyes flutter closed. I listened to the music and tried letting it overpower the onslaught of my to do list coming from every angle and maybe think of only the good things Roman and I shared.

After a few songs I finished my first glass of wine then refilled it and made myself comfortable on the sofa again. I pulled the velvet blanket off the back and laid it over my legs. Since I was feeling so relaxed, I thought it couldn’t hurt to see if there were any emails I might want to respond to. They’ve mostly been work related or the MMA studio letting me know about new classes coming up. Lots of junk in there that I needed to delete. I reached over and picked up my phone, swiping it open. I wasn’t, however, prepared for any emails from King Construction. The subject just said, “HI.” Then I quickly remembered I was meeting Amelia for lunch tomorrow and thought, it must just be a reminder.

Shoot, I should’ve looked closely at the sender. I would've noticed it was from Roman and not Amelia. I wished I hadn’t opened it–I don’t know if I’m ready for this yet. I bit my lip trying to decide what to do about this. My nerves were pinging all over my body. I tapped my fingers next to the delete button, but I couldn’t seem to bring myself to push it. I should’ve just deleted it and gone back to relaxing but, damn that man and these memories. It wasn’t a very long message.

From: Roman

To: Alex

Subject: HI

______________________________________________________________________________________

I just wanted to let you know that Detective Lewis stopped in to see me. I really hope you’re doing well Alex.

Roman

______________________________________________________________________________________ _

Some days I hoped he would plead out so this whole thing will just go away. Other days I wanted to make sure he got the maximum sentence and then some. For now, I’m wondering if I should respond to this email. I took a big gulp of wine before making that decision.

A little hello couldn’t hurt, it might even help, I finally decided. So, I emailed back… “HELLO.”. Almost immediately there was a response.

From: ROMAN

To: ALEX

Subject: HELLO

________________________________________________________________________________________

Guess where I am?

RK

________________________________________________________________________________________

Oh lord, my heart was racing as I got up and hurried over to the window and pressed my hands against the cool glass gazing down trying to see anything. Being twelve floors up and dark outside, it was impossible to see, but I hoped he wasn’t down there thinking he was coming up here. I decided he must not have meant he was here, and I filled my glass of wine again then shot a quick glance at the door to make sure all the locks were secured before I emailed back.

From: ALEX

Reply to: ROMAN

Subject: RE: HELLO

_________________________________________________________________________________________

Hmmm, give me a hint

AK

__________________________________________________________________________________________

From: ROMAN

Reply to: ALEX

Subject: Peaceful

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Stargazing

RK

__________________________________________________________________________________________

I took a deep breath and melted into the couch. I haven’t been up there in weeks. How could I have forgotten that place? Why was he there alone? He said that place scared him. In fact, chastised me for going there alone.

From: ALEX

Reply to: ROMAN

Subject: Scary

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Interesting. Have you run into any serial killers yet?

AK

__________________________________________________________________________________________

From: ROMAN

Reply to: ALEX

Subject: LOL!

__________________________________________________________________________________________

I should apologize for that. I get it now.

RK

__________________________________________________________________________________________

From: ALEX

Reply to: ROMAN

Subject: Riverfront

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Guess what I did today ?

AK

__________________________________________________________________________________________

That was easier than I imagined. Just easy back and forth communication without feelings. I leaned back and relaxed then took another sip of wine.

From: ROMAN

Reply to: ALEX

Subject: Hmmmm

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Hint?

RK

__________________________________________________________________________________________

From: ALEX

Reply to: ROMAN

Subject: Peaceful

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Swing

AK

__________________________________________________________________________________________

From: ROMAN

Reply to: ALEX

Subject: Thinking of me huh?

__________________________________________________________________________________________

I miss you too.

RK

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Ok that’s enough. I didn't want to email anymore while I'd been drinking anyway. I’d say something I can’t take back and anxiety from emerging feelings is the last thing that needed to happen right now. My hands were starting to shake. I watched the wine ripple in the glass, and it was hypnotizing me. I can’t do this anymore.

From: ALEX

Reply to: ROMAN

Subject: :)

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Goodnight.

AK

___________________________________________________________________________________________