Chapter 11

CHAPTER ELEVEN

CARTER

Why the hell did I invite myself to study with Brendon?

I should be creating some distance between us until I can control my feelings. Of course, that's not what my heart wants, though, and that's what took over my mouth earlier.

I'm seriously considering just telling Brendon how I feel so that we can move on. Yes, things will be different after, but things are already changing, and at least with my feelings out in the air, we can figure out how to deal with them.

A teeny tiny part of me is hoping that Brendon will also have feelings for me, but that's like wishing for a unicorn, it's not going to happen. A larger part of me just prays he won't care and will let me down gently. At least then I can mend my heart and we can find a new way to be friends. I won't even let my brain go down the worst-case scenario road because it's too devastating.

I take a moment to wash all the dishes before joining Brendon in his room. I mean it's the least I can do since he made us breakfast.

With my books and computer in tow, I gently knock on my best friend's partially open door, pushing it the rest of the way once he invites me in.

My heart beats faster as I take Brendon in. He's sitting crisscross on his bed with a pile of books, his laptop beside him, and a pencil in his mouth. How someone makes a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie look sexy, I have no idea, but Brendon is pulling it off. I'm slightly torn between being thankful he has a shirt on, and wishing he didn't at the same time.

"Ready to get your homework done?" he asks, the corners of his lips turning upward but there is a hint of apprehension behind his amber eyes.

I share the feeling with him, but it's not like I can turn around now. I simply nod, since I can't find words and sit in front of him, toward the end of his bed.

"I'm really glad this is our last year of college," I say as I'm flipping through my notebook to find what exactly I'm supposed to be working on.

Brendon nods with understanding written all over his face. "Dude, same. I mean I love all our friends here, and GSU is a fucking kick ass university, but I'm over the studying. I'm ready to just play basketball."

I chuckle because those are my exact feelings, too. "Are we the same person?" I tease.

Brendon's deep laugh wraps around me like a warm hug, and I realize that the feelings he evokes from me aren't new, I just didn't fully understand them before. I had put them in a different box and justified them as something they probably never were. Of course, that has all changed now that I realize I like him as more than just a friend.

"We aren't the same person, but we're close enough to think the same," Brendon eventually says with a bright toothy grin.

I smile back at him before we both fall into a peaceful quiet as we start to tackle our work.

We both reposition ourselves from time to time as our bodies get tired of being in one position for too long. At one point, I scoot up the bed, thinking I'm about to lean against the headboard, but I don't realize Brendon has moved behind me, and I fall into his chest.

"Shit," I gasp out, sitting up quickly. "I didn't realize you were there."

Brendon chuckles and shrugs. "You can lean against me if you want," he suggests. "I'm just reading some chapters at the moment."

"That's not weird?" I question, trying to refrain from nibbling on my lower lip.

He shrugs it off casually while shaking his head. "It's not to me."

I take a deep breath through my nose before slowly blowing it out, staring at Brendon the entire time.

"My bed's a little small for us to be shoulder to shoulder anyway," he tells me while stretching out his legs, inviting me to sit between them. "This way we both have something to lean against while we read."

My heart and my brain are at war as I try to decide what to do. A week ago, I probably wouldn't have thought twice about this. Yes, it seems intimate, but we've always been close, and I would have played it off as something bros do. But things are different now, and I wonder if this is crossing a line, especially since he doesn't know about my feelings for him.

"I mean, if it makes you more comfortable, I can just scoot over and we can try to make it work," Brendon offers but I shake my head.

"Nah, it's cool," I finally respond, moving into position.

As I rest my back against my best friend's chest it becomes hard to breathe, and I try not to panic but this feels like too much. Honestly, it feels too perfect. My heart sighs, loving every moment of this even if it isn't an actual embrace, it becomes hard to breathe, and I try not to panic, but this feels like too much. Honestly, it feels too perfect. My heart sighs, loving every moment of this, even if it isn't an actual embrace. But that's why it's dangerous. To Brendon, this is nothing more than two friends studying together, and to me, it's everything. But that's why it's dangerous because to Brendon this is nothing more than two friends studying together and to me it's much much more.

"Are you okay?" Brendon asks, probably noticing how stiff my spine is at the moment. He gently runs his fingers up and down my arm, which causes goosebumps to erupt over my skin.

I shake my head, finding it hard to come up with words. Now would be the perfect time to tell him how I'm feeling. I know shit could hit the fan, but I'm not sure I care anymore. I need to get this off my chest. Fuck the consequences.

"I need to tell you something," I whisper.

Brendon squeezes my arm and sets his book down. "You can tell me anything. You should know that by now, C."

I nod, thankful that he can't see my face right now.

"But what if what I'm about to say changes everything?" I question, nibbling on my lip, unable to stop myself this time.

"Is change always a bad thing?" he asks, running his fingers over my arm again.

"It's scary," I reply.

"You don't have to be scared with me, C. Nothing you ever do or say will push me away. I'm always going to be here. No matter what," he assures me.

"I think I like you as more than just a friend," I confess softly and Brendon's hand freezes on my arm.

A shiver runs down my spine and panic begins to set in. Shit. I fucked this up. I shouldn't have confessed my feelings. I should have just kept this to myself. I'm going to lose the one person who means the most to me because I couldn't keep my fucking mouth shut. Everything is going to change.

My stomach curdles as I realize what I'm about to lose.

"You're not shitting me right now, are you?" he checks, giving me the opportunity to lie if I want to, but I can't do that to him.

"I'd never joke about something like this," I tell him, turning slightly in his arms to look at his face.

"Thank fuck," he breathes out, and before I have time to comprehend what's happening, his lips are on mine.

My eyes bulge out as my best friend's mouth moves against mine in a gentle kiss, wondering if I'm possibly dreaming this up. When his tongue whispers against the seam of my lips, seeking entrance, I close my eyes and allow this to happen, even if it most likely is a hallucination.

When I part my lips, Brendon's tongue dips into my mouth, tangling with my own and causing a tiny moan to ripple up my throat. I should be embarrassed by how needy I sound, but I'm too drunk on his kiss to care.

Strong hands grip my hips and move me so that I'm straddling my best friend as the kiss turns more heated and frantic. I grind into his lap and my eyes roll into the back of my head as I feel Brendon's hard cock pressing into me.

"Fuck yeah," Brendon whispers against my lips when I rock into him again, causing me to freeze.

This isn't a fucking dream or a hallucination. It's real, and now I'm panicking.

I try to scramble off my best friend's lap, but he refuses to let me go.

"What's wrong?" he questions with furrowed brows and slight frown. "Did I cross a line?"

I shake my head quickly, my heart pounding so hard it's making me lightheaded. "No, I'm just confused," I tell him honestly. "How is this happening right now? You're straight."

Brendon chuckles and lifts a shoulder. "Turns out you weren't the only one to figure out you weren't as straight as you once thought."

I blink at him a few times, struggling to fully understand his words.

Thankfully he doesn't wait for me to say anything before continuing. "When you were telling me about the things you learned over the summer, about sexuality and the varying degrees of it all, I started to do my own research and ponder my own sexuality. After a couple of days of web browsing, and thinking back on life growing up, I realized that straight isn't the best label for me. I'm bi, like you, and I think I've had a crush on you for a long fucking time."

I stare at him with wide eyes for a moment not fully believing what I just heard.

"Are you shitting me?" I whisper, echoing his words from earlier.

Brendon's smile is soft as he slowly shakes his head. "I'd never lie about something like this. I like you, C. As more than just my friend. And if you really feel the same way, like you said you did, then I want us to give this a chance."

"What if it fucks up our friendship?" I ask with a tilt of my head.

"I think it's worth the risk," he confesses. "Because now that I know we both have feelings for each other, it's going to be really fucking hard to go back to just being friends. I want more, and I want it with you."

I bite my lower lip both ecstatic and petrified that this is happening.

"And if something happens and we aren't meant to be partners, then we just go back to being friends. We both know plenty of people who have dated and are now friends. It doesn't have to be the end for us," he assures me.

"And you're positive you want me?" I question, hearing the wobble in my voice.

Brendon lifts his hand to caress my cheek and I can't help but lean into his touch. "There is no one else I want."

I was right earlier in thinking everything was about to change, but I was wrong about which way they were going to go. I don't have to worry about losing him anymore. Instead, we get to take things in a brand new direction. We get to explore this together and I couldn't be happier.

Slowly I stick my tongue out to wet my lips before nodding. "Okay."

Brendon's entire face lights up at my response. "Are you fucking serious right now?"

I chuckle this time and nod again. "I'm serious. Let's give this a shot, but I think we should take things slow. This is too important to rush."

"Whatever you want," he tells me before giving me a quick peck that has me smiling from ear to ear.

"I can't believe this is happening," I murmur while shaking my head.

"Believe it, C," Brendon replies with a wide grin. "Doesn't it feel right, though?"

I take a deep breath, pausing before I respond while reflecting.

Brendon has always been my person and it really does feel right that this is the turn our friendship is taking. In some ways, this was inevitable. Like the universe always wanted this for us, it just waited for us to realize what was directly in front of our faces.

"It feels more than right," I respond before leaning in to kiss him gently.

"Okay, now get back into position so we can finish our studying," Brendon says, giving my thigh a playful swat.

I laugh and move so that I'm back between his legs, leaning against his chest, but this time, I'm not stiff as a board. I relax into his hold.

"That's better," Brendon whispers, then kisses the top of my head and I nearly melt.

Brendon's free hand rests on my hip as we both pick up our books and start reading again.

I don't think I've ever felt as at ease as I do in this moment.

Who would have thought that one summer would change everything for us, and for the better.