Chapter Twenty-Two

Bec

A bby: Okay, what the fuck did I just read?

Bec: You finished? How many times… ;)

Abby: I’m not answering that…but I understand why you told me these books are one-handed reads now.

Bec: I told you! So, you’re still in for book club tonight at my place?

Abby: Count me in. What can I bring?

Bec: Just you and your book. We usually order in and the host provides the drinks. I’m making mojitos but I’ll have some other options too.

Bec: Oh, and any dog treats you wanna share with Hopper. I’m dog sitting for one of my students in training so there will be a rowdy, highly food-motivated puppy here too.

Abby: Hopper…you mean that hot baseball player’s lab you had in for a makeup class? Since when do you offer dog sitting services?

Bec: I don’t. Just helping out a friend.

Abby: Uh-huh. Sure, Bec. Whatever you need to tell yourself.

Bec: I’m going to regret introducing you to my books if you try to turn everything in our real lives into a romance. He just wants to be friends .

Abby: He wants to be friends. And what do you want…?

Abby: Bec?

Abby: The silent treatment, really? Oh, we are so getting into this later. Better get your story straight now.

* * *

“Has anyone tried fucking with a pillow under your hips? I need to know if it’s as good as this book makes it sound. Carissa, that’s your homework. Be ready to report back next month,” Dee demands, shooting finger guns Carissa’s way.

Carissa looks around my small kitchen sarcastically, like she’s trying to find someone behind her, then back at Dee. “Are you confusing me with someone else? Who do you think I’m going to be practicing this position with? I’m as single as a Pringle,” Carissa replies.

“A Pringle is never single. They fit too perfectly together in pairs. Who the hell eats one Pringle at a time?” Dee asks.

“No one,” I say. I can’t help but encourage Dee sometimes.

“Thank you. At a minimum, you devour two stacked Pringles together and make a mess of yourself with crumbs. That’s the rule. You’re a hot Pringle, Carissa. It’s time to find another Pringle to hop onto…or get under. Better yet, find yourself two Pringles. Turn yourself into a Pringle sandwich.” Dee raises her eyebrows at Carissa with a devilish grin on her face. I swear she wears that expression 90 percent of the time and it’s warranted. Always fucking up to something.

“Are you reading a why choose romance right now or something?” Carissa asks.

“I am,” Dee answers with a smirk. “Why do you ask?”

“Now I really want a Pringle. Help,” Ellie whines. “I have breastfeeding munchies.”

“On my way,” I assure her.

“Can we please change analogies? It’s making me hangry and also giving me weird images of Carissa as a Pringle trying to seduce other Pringles,” she implores, calling out from my couch where she’s strapped to her breast pump with Hop curled up happily next to her.

Moms deserve a fucking medal. The way her nipples look in those tube things? Yeah, okay, a medal isn’t enough. Maybe paid parental leave is a good place to start. Oh, or free ice cream for life. No…maybe endless orgasms from their partners. I watch the tugging in sync with the little puff, puff, hmm …of the machine’s motor. Yeah, all three of those combined still aren’t enough for me to sign up to use that modern-day torture device. Ellie’s a fucking badass.

“Sorry, El. I don’t have Pringles, but I do have potato chips and tacos will be delivered in twenty.” I pull a bowl and bag of chips from the pantry and join Ellie and Abby in the living room. Dee and Carissa follow as I set up more snacks on the coffee table in front of Ellie.

Hop follows my every move with his eyes, knowing that at one point or another, there’ll be an opportunity for him to steal food from one of us. He’s as ornery as ever, but we’ve had a good time today. We went to the local dog park and worked on his leash training during two long walks. My hope was that I could exhaust him enough that having guests over wouldn’t bother him too much, the need to rest winning out. But he is as well socialized as I suspected, given the history Aiden shared, and he’s done amazing. Sitting while greeting each of the girls as they arrived, he didn’t jump on anyone, and he hasn’t stolen anyone’s shoes…yet.

“Well, if you really need to know, I can vouch for the pillow placement. It’s worth the hype,” Abby chimes in before taking a sip of her drink.

“I knew I would like you,” Dee says. Turning to Carissa, she adds, “ You’re off the hook this time, single Pringle. Now, Abby. Tell me everything .”

“Abby, you don’t have to answer her. Dee promised she’d be on her best behavior so that you’ll want to hang out with us again. Don’t scare her away.” I do my best to give Dee a chastising look, which is nearly impossible because I kind of hope Abby answers.

Sue me, I’m curious.

“Okay, well, I’ll say this. It’s good, really good, no matter which way you…flip the Pringle,” Abby says.

“I don’t get it. Like head to feet?” Carissa asks.

“No, like face up or face down…Pringle style.” Abby winces with a crinkled-up smile as she tries to act out the chip-flipping motion with her hands, before giving up. “Sorry, the chip metaphor is really throwing me. On your back or your belly, either way will not disappoint. My ex wasn’t good for much, but he did introduce me to that, so it wasn’t a total loss.”

“I bet with the right person it’ll be even better. Too bad Ellie’s the only one here with one of those,” Dee says.

“Are we sure about that? Because Bec owes me an explanation for why there’s a furry guest here tonight,” Abby says.

“I thought you said Hopper is from one of your training classes. You’re helping out the family who couldn’t find boarding, right?” Carissa asks.

Okay, so I might have been a little skimpy on the details, conveniently forgetting to mention exactly who that family is, but I didn’t think Abby would remember to call me out. She’s been busy getting her pieces ready for a local art show. I assumed she’d forget my tiny slipup. I’ve basically begged her to show me her artwork, but she says it’s easier to share it with strangers than to show it to her friends. I’m hoping she eventually changes her mind, but I won’t push her. If I had any artistic talent, I’d be showing it off.

I act casual, grabbing a handful of chips and joining Ellie on the couch on the other side of Hop. “Uh…he is. Hop is from one of my classes. He’s Aiden’s dog.”

That gets Ellie’s attention. Her head snaps up from the candy bowl she’s scouring through to find a red Starburst, her favorite. I’m a firm believer that candy is a legitimate appetizer and it should always be included when hosting. I stand by this. I’m always sure to have everyone’s favorites on hand. I grabbed Abby’s for tonight too. Twix bars. Solid choice. I grab one and shove it in my mouth, hoping I can buy myself some time before I have to answer any questions.

“Aiden is bringing his dog to one of your training classes? How am I just now hearing this? Aiden didn’t mention it, and he was just over last week to catch the game.” Ellie looks at me with a heavy dose of suspicion. I don’t keep anything from Ellie, so I’m sure she’s confused why I haven’t at least mentioned this until now. Ellie knows me better than anyone. She’ll see right through any bullshit I try to throw at her.

I’m done keeping all this weirdness with Aiden secret, anyway. Dee is a great listener, but I need advice from all the girls now more than ever. The problem is, I don’t even know where to start.

“I didn’t want to mention it before because things with Aiden and I are kind of…strange? I should probably tell you about how I met him,” I say.

“At our wedding, right? Am I missing something?” Ellie is sitting on my couch, nips out and I’m the one who feels exposed right now. I feel so dumb explaining my non-history with Aiden, because what is there really to tell? We made out before we realized we were in the same wedding party, and I killed any chance of us going further. Oh, and we definitely would have banged if not for the girls arriving for the bachelorette party earlier than expected.

I look to Dee, the only one who knows the story. To her credit, she’s kept my secret for years. I honestly thought she’d last five minutes before blabbing to Ellie and Carissa. She nods with a stern expression, laying a hand over her heart like this is a fucking movie. “It’s…time,” she says with a poetic pause. I let out a little laugh at her ridiculousness, and it helps. She smiles, and I do too. She always knows how to break the tension.

As awkward as I feel for making a big deal of this, I sigh and dive in, explaining how Aiden and I connected initially and almost took things further. How we’d planned to meet up again after Dom and Ellie’s rehearsal dinner before we realized our best friends were getting married. How we decided to call it quits on our weekend fling before it could be…flung? And all that’s taken place since he popped back into my orbit two months ago.

Including the audiobook incident in my car and the death of my vibrator. I’m pretty sure my neighbors three floors up could hear the girls laughing. Hysterically. Literally howling at my humiliation. Well, except for Dee, who dramatically wailed as if our friendship was over because we don’t have matching vibrators anymore. Yep, my life is a sitcom. Damn Aiden for being right about my big mouth. The girls are going to tease me endlessly.

Yes, it’s embarrassing to relive, but it’s a huge relief too. I didn’t realize how much I needed to talk about this. And these girls right here, they’re the best I could ever ask to have sitting around me, helping me figure out what I want. Abby only moved here a couple of months ago, but I knew instantly when we met at work that she’s a true friend. A lifer. She’s stuck with me now, poor thing.

My cheeks heat as I confess what I’m hesitant to admit. What I’ve been thinking about since this morning when Aiden left. Considering something more with him.

“When Aiden moved back, I thought he just wanted to be friends, but every time I see him, I’m less sure that’s the case for either of us. This morning, he asked me to think about what I want. He didn’t say what he wanted, but if I had to guess, he seems like he wants more. I’ve spent more than three years trying to move on and forget about him, but nothing has even come close to the spark I felt when we first met. It’s humiliating to admit that I’ve thought about him more than a few times over the years. Since he’s moved back to Columbus, that…tension I guess you could call it…it’s still there. At least it is for me. I can’t really explain it. I don’t know what to do.”

“Babe, that’s your answer. You like him. You’re curious. Sounds like he is too. Why wouldn’t you give it a try?” Ellie asks, genuine confusion written on her face. I’m relieved to hear her question. Not that I thought she wouldn’t approve or anything, but because I thought she’d be mad I kept this secret for so long.

“Because I…I don’t know. If it doesn’t work out, that’ll just put you and Dom in an awkward position anytime you want to invite both of us to anything. Plus, he’s a legit professional athlete. He could date anyone.”

Ellie’s expression changes to one of disbelief. “Bec, we’re all adults. If it didn’t work out, we could figure out how to be in a room together when we need to be. Do you really think Dom and I wouldn’t want you to see what’s going on between the two of you if after years you both are still interested in each other? I wouldn’t have minded at all if you guys decided to take it further when you met either. You know I live for wedding hookup gossip. Besides, I’ve known Aiden for a while now…I really don’t think you’d have to worry about his career or the attention it gets him. If he wanted to date someone else, he would. He’s been in a few relationships since I’ve known him. I don’t think he’s the kind of guy to screw you over. Plus, Dom and I would kill him, so there’s that.”

“Well, okay, but…” I begin to protest, but Ellie isn’t done.

“Are you sure this is about Dom and me? Or even Aiden’s job? Or are you trying to avoid the possibility of getting hurt again?” I stare back at her, mouth partially open, speechless.

Is she right?

“Aiden isn’t Josh,” Ellie says. “I hate that the relationship made you question how incredible you are. Seriously, Bec. Don’t you know you deserve to be loved?”

And for some stupid fucking reason, my eyes water and a few tears fall easily, betraying me and the unaffected face I’m trying to put on. “God, Ellie, I hate you sometimes, you know that?”

Ellie reaches over Hopper to grab my hand, squeezing tight. Her eyes shine as well. I can try to put on a front, use humor or excuses to deflect. Be the funny friend, the quirky friend, the chill friend. As desperately as I try to be what everyone needs, what everyone wants, Ellie sees through it all. She always has. She knows who I am behind any walls I instinctively put up. Maybe this is why for so long I avoided telling her that I like Aiden. Maybe I knew once I told her, she wouldn’t let me get away with my usual bullshit. Writing off a nice guy before he can hurt me or I can hurt him.

Relationships and all the risks that come with them, the pain of losing someone, the pain of rejection, haven’t seemed worth the risk. Sure, I’ve dated. Clearly that hasn’t worked out. But have I ever given someone all of me? Ever fallen in love? Fuck no. Not even with Josh. Expecting a guy to stick around for the long haul never seemed like a possibility. The fear clawing at the back of my mind always tells me that no matter what I do, I’m not anyone’s forever girl.

But what Ellie said…do I really think I don’t deserve love? I want to say she’s wrong and that I know my worth, but maybe she sees more of me than I’m willing to face myself.

Carissa reaches out to hold my other hand, looking up at me, where she’s seated on the floor between the couch and the coffee table. “You shouldn’t sabotage a relationship before you even give it a chance. No matter what anyone has made us believe about ourselves, we deserve to be happy. You talk about all the reasons it can’t work, shouldn’t work, won’t work. Are you afraid that if you take a chance with Aiden, it might not work out, or are you afraid that you might find happiness instead? That this might be real.”

Dating Josh was like wearing a sweater two sizes too small; restrictive and uncomfortable. Sometimes I wonder why I stayed. Why didn’t I end things before he did? I think I kept convincing myself that I was expecting too much out of the relationship, until I shrunk my wants and needs to a size so small I couldn’t find them anymore. Settling for whatever we could give each other.

I hid things well enough that the girls didn’t see the red flags popping up in our relationship the way we did with Carissa’s ex. It wasn’t until after Josh broke up with me that I told them how I felt. I don’t like to admit when something isn’t working. Because what did that say about me? What if I couldn’t make it work with anyone, what then?

“I don’t want to get attached and have it all fall apart. He seems different. Special. I can’t explain it,” I whisper as even more tears roll down my cheeks.

“I never want to see you hurt,” Ellie says. “But I also want to see you live . There are no guarantees. Well, other than a guarantee that I’ll fuck up Aiden’s life if he’s an asshole to you.” And that right there has me snorting out a mix of tears and laughter.

“That goes double for me,” Dee says. “You say the word, and I’ll key whatever fancy car he drives.”

I laugh harder, tears rolling down my cheeks. “Dee, no. Please don’t get arrested for me. I don’t make enough money to bail you out.”

“Simple solution. We won’t get caught,” Carissa adds, shocking me.

“Wow, Carissa. Vandalism, really? I expect better from you,” I tease.

“You shouldn’t. I can tolerate a lot of shit. But not for my friends. I won’t allow that.” The seriousness in her voice reminds me that she’s still working through her own hurt from her last relationship.

I nod. “I love you guys. Thanks for being supportive and keeping me honest.” I turn to Abby, wiping my cheeks dry. “I promise book club isn’t normally this emotional. We don’t typically talk this much about feelings. Most of our conversations are about fictional dicks and pussies and our jealousy for the lucky characters who get to play with them.”

Abby laughs and shakes her head. “I’m sorry I asked about Aiden and started this whole conversation. I didn’t know it was a whole secret thing . I just thought you were messing around with the hot guy from class. Shit, I was going to congratulate you.”

“It was about time I talked it out,” I admit. “Who knows, maybe this means I’ll get to be the next one to test out the hip pillow position. But tonight, I want to hear what everyone thought about chapter thirty-two because holy fucking hotness.”

Dee doesn’t hesitate to throw in her two cents about arguably the best spice I’ve read all year.

A huge weight has fallen off my shoulders after talking this through with everyone, finally relieving Dee of her secret-keeping burden. Thinking of what comes next sends a nervous excitement flowing through me. I know it’ll take time to let Aiden in, but I want to believe that the possibility of us is worth it and if I give him a small piece of myself, that I can trust him with it.