Chapter 28

28

DIANNA

C hristmas music drifted through the club as someone played the piano in the ballroom. Shane had spared no expense with the decorations. Much like the outside, which included a life-size nativity scene, the interior was overdone. There were wreaths, boughs with holly, and a huge Christmas tree decorated with ribbon and shiny ornaments in blue and silver that nearly reached the top of the twenty-foot vaulted ceilings.

It smelled like pine and peppermint, and Dianna knew the moment she stepped through the doors, she would regret her decision to come. She didn't know what she was thinking when she told Tristan she would.

And the second she mentioned it to Brielle, there was no going back. If there was one thing her older sister loved, it was spending time with men and flirting with them.

Dianna's other sisters had come as well—most of them, anyway. Adeline was home with the baby. And Grace had opted to keep her company.

Brielle nudged her in the side. "Do you see him?"

"Who?"

Her older sister snorted. "You know exactly who I'm talking about. We can all see it, Dianna. You're the only one who seems to be in denial over this whole thing."

"I'm not in denial." But even as she said it, her focus swept through the room searching for that one person. Okay, so there was a chance she was in denial. Dianna shut her eyes and turned toward Brielle. "I'm not in denial. I just wanted to say hi, that's all."

Brielle laughed. "Oh, I'm sure that's all it is. You haven't been moping all week long because of the state of your relationship; you've just been in a bad mood." She patted Dianna on the shoulder and shook her head as she let out another laugh.

Dianna scowled at her. "I don't see you going out of your way to make any long-term connections. Nothing ever came from that kiss you and Shane shared."

Brielle sobered. "There's a huge difference between the two of us. I don't want to be tied down, and you do."

"Do not ."

Her sister threw her hands into the air and let out a huff. "You know, there's nothing wrong with falling in love with someone. No one said you can't enjoy starting a life with that special person. It's not what I want right now, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't allow yourself to find your own brand of happiness." She turned away from Dianna, then scooted right up next to her and draped her arm around Dianna's shoulder. She pointed in the direction of a large fireplace on the other side of the room. "That man over there means something to you whether you like it or not. Something is telling you that walking away was a mistake, and you should probably listen to it."

Dianna's eyes landed on Tristan and her heart skipped. He was dressed like he'd been for the other party Shane had thrown for the adults. Just seeing him dressed like that brought back the memories of that night and the way she'd taken a chance when she kissed him.

Tingles, hints of the reaction her body had that night returned.

Teasing her.

Tantalizing.

"See," Brielle murmured. "I might not want to settle down for my own reasons. But that doesn't mean I can't see when my sister is completely head over heels for someone else."

Tristan glanced in her direction as if he could hear their conversation. Dianna's breath hitched and she pulled away from Brielle to face her. "It's not that I don't want to be with him." The confession escaped her lips before she had a chance to realize what she was going to say. Her face burned hot with embarrassment. She shifted again so her back was to Tristan and there was no possibility that he would see it. "I mean, I don't know if I want to be with him. I love him. I do. My feelings were never a question."

"Then what's holding you back?"

Dianna's jaw clenched. Her heart hammered irreverently. Brielle wasn't going to understand. No one ever did. It was like a vise had been clamped around her heart and her lungs, making it hard to breathe if she even considered moving forward with Tristan. Any step in that direction would cause her physical pain.

But that wasn't the worst part.

She felt the exact same way as she relived their breakup. Any time she thought back to that moment, she regretted it. Dianna knew it wasn't normal. She wasn't normal in any sense of the word.

So now she was just stuck .

Stuck between two equally terrible feelings.

Stuck between two things that made sense and didn't at the same time.

Dianna let out a sigh. "I don't know."

"Yes, you do," Brielle shot back. "You know what's holding you back, just like I know what's holding me back."

She frowned and stared at her sister with a little more understanding. Brielle didn't want to be in a relationship for reasons she chose not to share. She might be scared or have her reasons, but she was confident in them. "Why aren't you interested in getting married?"

Brielle huffed. "Who said I wasn't interested?"

"I just thought… seeing as you don't date anyone for more than a few weeks."

Brielle studied her. It was as if she was battling herself regarding whether or not she should disclose any of this. As if she anticipated that Dianna would lean one way or the other based on her response. Then she let out a resigning sigh. "I'm not going to be defined by who I marry. Every guy I have gone on a date with expects something from me."

"You can't know that."

Brielle arched a brow. "First, it was that I was an easy mark. I had to get married if I wanted my sisters to have the same opportunity. Then there were those who were only in this for the thrill—the sneaking around."

"Shane doesn't seem like he fits either of those."

"He's the worst one."

Dianna's frown deepened with confusion.

"He's this bigshot who has to maintain appearances. He wants a girl on his arm to show off like some trophy."

Dianna arched a brow. That sounded a lot like what Brielle was good at. She was a charmer.

Upon seeing Dianna's expression, Brielle rolled her eyes. "I'm not a brainless piece of jewelry. I have dreams and desires. I want to make something of my life. There's no way I can do that with any of the guys here. I'd forever be in their shadow." She folded her arms and tapped her fingers there. Then her features softened and her voice lowered. "We all have different things we need in a relationship. Our personalities need to be fed in a way that makes sense. I've resigned myself to not finding a guy. I'll have my fun and when I get the chance to do more with my life, then I will." She laughed. "I'll probably end up as the crazy old spinster at the end of the road with a herd of goats to take care of. Who knows? But at least I'll be happy. You need to figure out what that is for you."

"But that's the problem. I don't know."

Brielle gave her a pointed look. "When you tell yourself why you can't be with him, what do you say?"

Dianna scowled. "That's none of your business."

Her hands came up and she laughed. "But you say it. You know what's holding you back. So let me ask you something else. Are you being held back for a good reason, or are you being held back by fear?"

Her arms folded tightly across her chest and she stepped back from her sister, not liking how easy it was for Brielle to poke her in her most vulnerable places. "Fear is a good reason."

Brielle shrugged. "You are allowed to have that opinion. But what would you tell that kid you've been working with if he said the same thing?"

And just like that, Dianna's arms dropped to her sides. Brielle's point had been made. She'd sliced through all of Dianna's defenses, making her look like a coward.

"Fear is what drives us, Dianna. Fear is what makes us do more. Fight more. Go after the things that are worth more . There isn't a historical advancement that wasn't built on the backs of men who were scared. Do you think those Wright brothers weren't scared?" She didn't wait for an answer. "You bet they were scared. But with every failure, they persevered. We don't gain anything from hiding. Mistakes make you grow. Allow yourself to be uncomfortable for once in your life and reap the rewards."

Dianna's mouth fell open. She didn't shy away from new things as much as she used to. But apparently she hadn't hid it all that well either.

Brielle's focus shifted elsewhere, then bounced back to Dianna. "I'm going to find someone to dance with. Just think about it. Tristan isn't a local. If there is any chance that you will regret walking away from him, I recommend you think real hard about what would be worse. Taking a chance, or sticking with what you have."

"But he might not even want me after?—"

Brielle gave her a small smile. "Guys are easy. I would wager he's just as miserable as you are. You were the one to break up with him. Set things right and give him a chance to tell you what he wants." She took Dianna's hand in hers, squeezed it, then wandered off.

Dianna glanced over to the fireplace only to find Tristan had disappeared. Her heart fluttered and her stomach flipped over. The club had grown more congested during the course of her conversation with Brielle. He could be anywhere.

Her gaze darted back and forth, seeking him out—not that she planned on doing what Brielle had said. She just wanted to have her eyes on him in case he headed her way. Then she could prepare herself for a conversation.

That's when she saw him. And it wasn't what she expected at all.

Tristan was chatting with another young woman. One of the girls from town. She smiled and laughed, and they glanced at Mathew who sat nearby with his favorite book in his lap. They were clearly making a connection.

Tristan was smiling, too. That smile he had reserved for her.

Dianna shoved that thought back to the depths of her soul. She didn't own that smile. Especially since she'd broken up with him.

The twisty, churning feeling in her stomach intensified and nausea overwhelmed her.

The realization hit her like a punch in the gut, and she hated it more than she despised anything else in her life. She'd been a coward. There was no other way to describe it. She'd done exactly what she tried to stop Mathew from doing. And that was getting in her head and stopping herself from finding joy in something.

She missed what she had found with Tristan.

She missed being a person Mathew could count on as more than just a teacher.

Brielle had finally been able to break through the strange walls she'd built around herself and explain things in a way that she couldn't logically argue with.

And as much as she hated it, she couldn't walk away from it either.

For as far back as she could remember, she couldn't pin down a single moment when she'd experienced jealousy. Sure, she'd envied certain people and their abilities, but with a sort of admiration. She'd been able to stand back and acknowledge that these other people were capable of things she was not. She could accept they had strengths where she had weaknesses and the other way around. She was even capable of analyzing certain scenarios and understanding where she fit in all of it.

Right now was not that kind of feeling.

The knots that had formed were hot and tight. They overwhelmed all of her other senses somehow. All she wanted to do at this very moment was storm across the room and push that woman aside. She wanted to face Tristan and demand to know why he wasn't coming to her . Why wasn't he fighting for her ?

There was a part of her that knew these thoughts were illogical. They had no place in her heart or her mind. And yet they existed all the same.

It was a pretty good thing that she wasn't immature enough to do any of that. She was strong and independent, and when Tristan was ready to talk to her, maybe—maybe she'd bring up the possibility of trying again.

But what if he told her no?

Well, then she'd do the respectable thing and accept his response. And immediately hurry home where she could eat an entire pint of ice cream and hate how she'd let him slip from her fingers.

Tristan glanced toward her, and their gazes locked like they had several times before. She stood frozen, unable to move, unable to tear her eyes from his. He'd caught her staring.

At this point she shouldn't even care. She lifted her chin and flashed him a smile she didn't feel like giving. Although by the feel of it, her smile probably came across as something closer to a grimace.

That's it.

Dianna turned and headed for the bar. If she was a drinker, she'd grab something with a little bite to it. Too bad. She could use something to help her relax. Instead, she got her usual seltzer water and headed for the back door. Tristan could flirt with the new girl. She still had some time. It wasn't like Tristan was leaving tomorrow. They had a few more sessions at least. That was more than enough time to wrap her head around the epiphany she'd just experienced.

She'd been the first to kiss him. She could be the one to tell him she was wrong.

Dianna took a deep breath and let it out, a puff of warm air escaping into the dark night. Her skin was so flushed that the Christmas Eve weather was almost a boon to her. She leaned against the banister of the porch railing and stared out at the faint barn lights that glowed in the distance. Being out here for only two minutes was all it took to help her think more clearly—without all the noise and distraction of the guests.

Brielle was right, though Dianna wasn't willing to admit it outright. She'd never hear the end of it.

But Dianna would do something to win Tristan back. She'd be brave and tell him she was wrong.

"I know I'm probably the last person you want to see right now."

She gasped, her glass dropping from her hand and over the edge of the porch. Dianna leaned over just as she heard the shattering sound below. Tristan moved next to her, leaning over as well. His warm hand was right next to hers, their pinkies barely touching. Dianna focused on his touch, hoping it would steady her, but it only served to start the engine of her heart again.

Tristan grimaced and glanced at her. "Do you think Shane will be mad?"

Dianna couldn't help it. She let out a soft laugh. The situation was far from funny, but she didn't have any other option at her fingertips. If she didn't laugh, she might end up crying.

Just like before, his eyes landed on her with such fierceness she felt locked in place.

Now .

She had to act now or risk losing the most important person in her life.