Chapter 18

After lunch with Will, I raced home to speed-clean the house. It was probably clean enough for Will, but I wasn't sure how old Penelope was, and I didn't want to bother Will at work over something like that. As a precaution, I baby-proofed what I could figure out. As long as I'd owned it, there hadn't ever been a baby or a kid in the house, so it was mostly a guessing game on my part.

I found the toys in the attic storage and dragged them into the bathroom for a cleaning. The blocks got soaked in the bathtub, and all the rest were cleaned with wipes. I found the books in the loft and moved them to the living room shelves. Most were for older kids, but I found some little kid board books and Dr. Seuss.

When Will arrived a few hours later, I had thoroughly exhausted myself, but the house was set up as perfectly as I could manage. My fucking anxiety pissed me the fuck off. How could I do my goddamn job and be okay? But the minute that fucking uniform came off, it was like I didn't have two functioning cells in my brain. I was still thinking about that fucked-up scenario when Will knocked on the door. I stomped over and wrenched it open with considerably more force than intended.

"Hello, Beckett, I think you're expecting us," Will spoke in his most cheery, sunshiny voice. There wasn't a baby in his arms, so I glanced down to look for Penelope. She was not what I expected.

The girl was about three or four and covered in dirt. Little pieces of bark and leaves in her dark brown curls matched the freckles that covered her cheeks and nose, along with plenty of dirt smudges. Her pink outfit was as dirty as the rest of her, including scuffed sneakers. She was a hot mess. Her scowl matched my own.

"Yeah, come on in." I stepped back into the foyer so they could pass. As he walked by, Will got up on his tiptoes to kiss my mouth, and Penelope scoffed. I grabbed him back and gave him a much firmer one. He grinned against my mouth.

"Penelope, this is my friend, Beckett. We're gonna hang with him until your mom comes to pick you up." Penelope looked me up and down, but her scowl didn't disappear.

"Why you mad?" Her tone was accusatory.

"I'm not mad. This is just my face."

"Your face is mad. Be nice." With that edict, she turned on her heels and walked into the living room. She made a beeline for the plant shelf near the front window. She poked at the dirt and gently inspected the spider plant's leaves. Next, she stroked the leaves of my African violet. I didn't say anything to her since it looked like she was being careful.

Will saw me watching Penelope. He nodded in her direction and made prodding motions with his hands. I rolled my eyes but went over anyway.

"What are you doing to the plants?" I tried to keep my tone even. In uniform, I could do it on the first try. My badge gave me a costume, and I was taken outside my head. The real me showed up without it, which was never good enough for anyone. Well, except my grandparents, and they didn't count. It was starting to feel like Will was headed toward that category too, but it was too soon to tell. She ignored me and continued the inspection. I remembered my grandma telling me to look with my eyes, not my hands, but I kept that part to myself.

"Are you ready to be nice?" Penelope ignored my question to ask one of her own.

"I wasn't being mean."

"You looked mean." Well, she had me there.

"That's just my face."

"You looked mean."

"Sorry."

"S'kay. I like plants. My mommy has lots of plants, and she talks to them and tells them stories." Penelope forgave my scowl and now chattered excitedly about my plants. She was disappointed that I hadn't named any of them and was convinced they must be sad. I told her that if she wanted to name them, she could, and you would've thought I'd given her a pony. Now I had a fiddle leaf fern named Bubbles and a golden pathos who would forever be known as Starshine Unicorn.

After finishing her plant inspection, Penelope found the toys and books I'd dragged into the living room. She insisted I join her on the rug to build a city so the Matchbox cars would have somewhere to drive around. I wasn't allowed much leeway with the plants, but for the town, I was allowed to set it up as I saw fit. When I thanked her, she honored me with a beatific smile like a queen pleased with her subject.

"All right, you two, c'mon into the kitchen. I need helpers." We dutifully came when called. Penelope slipped her hand into my own, and my heart skipped more than a few beats. Will had set up a workstation on the island for both of us. We were making breadsticks for the spaghetti.

"Are you sure you want me to help?"

"Yes, Beckett, you hafta help. Wanna eat, gotta help!" Penelope and I both washed our hands before we got on with our assigned portion of helping with dinner. After our rocky beginning, Penelope stuck to my side like glue as we baked.

Will painstakingly walked us through each step. More flour ended up on the floor, counter, and us than the bowl, but Penelope's infectious laugh made the cleanup worth it. Will just smiled through it all. A few times, he showed us a different way to knead or mix, but for the most part, we were allowed to do it the way we wanted.

I felt like a rockstar when the kiddo said my dough looked yummy. I enjoyed my attempt at breadstick making, which kind of surprised me, given my history in the kitchen. My grandma's recipe box was tucked away in a hall closet. I wondered if Will would be interested in picking a few recipes to try from there. I hadn't tasted some of them in years.

Penelope moved to sit on the counter and directed Will on properly placing the breadsticks in the pan. She had drill sergeant potential. He dutifully followed all instructions.

"Beckett, I sit by you?" Her eyes were pure puppy dog and her face was expectant. No one could say no, and I wasn't an exception.

"If you want." She smiled triumphantly and then grabbed my hand.

Will stood there with a look on his face that I didn't understand. His lips were curved in a bemused smile and his eyes were soft. He stood with his arms folded and his ankles crossed, leaning against the counter. A scene flashed in my mind of our own child sitting on the island while we helped Will fix dinner.

As quickly as the scene popped into my head, it disappeared. There was no fucking way that was on the table. Sure, Will liked us fucking around now, but he'd be bored soon enough, and then he'd let me down gently. I knew he wouldn't be a dick about it or anything, but I wasn't a person that people fell in love with. No one I'd dated had lasted. No one-night stand had ever come back for more.

In my kitchen tonight, I would pretend that I was though. It would have to be enough.

"All right, party people, let's get this dinner on the table. Miss Ma'am, please go wash up again. Beckett, can you go supervise? I'll plate and get it cooling down." I was surprised and grateful that Penelope let me take her to the bathroom to wash her hands without a fight.

"C'mon, Penelope, let's get cleaned up because I wanna eat some of your breadsticks." I squeezed her hand a little, and she giggled sweetly.

"They gonna be so good." She rubbed her tummy with her other hand and giggled. "You call me Penny." Her voice was stern, and I wasn't going to argue with the tiny dictator.

I'd failed to understand the absolute mess a three-year-old could create with a plate of spaghetti. It was everywhere on the table and the floor, and it might have made it to the ceiling too. She ate with enthusiasm, though, with lots of oohs and aahs.

It was hard to complain when she was so happy with the food. True to her demand, I sat next to her at dinner, and she described her entire day at Busy Bees. She loved her teachers and best friends, which included every single person in her class except Dalton because he was mean to bugs.

"Beckett, would you mind doing another round of Penny cleaning? I'll get the kitchen."

"No! You call me Penelope." Her scowl was mutinous and Will put his hands up in surrender.

"I am very sorry. I should have asked first. Thank you for letting me know." Penelope gave him a forgiving nod, grabbed my hand, and dragged me off to the living room.

We were back in the living room after a quick trip to the bathroom. She deposited me on the couch, grabbed the stack of books, and dropped them into my lap. I flipped through them while she grabbed an afghan off one of the chairs and climbed into my lap. She arranged the blanket over us and instructed me to start reading.

So I did.

When Will finished in the kitchen, he came out to find her curled in my lap, sleeping with a book clutched to her chest. I wished I had a stuffed animal or something to cuddle, but the book was the best I could do on short notice.

"Any word from Alyssa?" I whispered. Will had kept me updated with her texts, but most had said she was still waiting.

"Yeah, she made it in time." The relief in Will's voice was palatable. "An accident on the I-5 had them sitting in traffic for hours." He puttered around the living room, turning off overhead lights and flipping on the gas fireplace. I liked how at home he made himself here.

"Do you think she'll need babysitting help again?"

"Are you volunteering?"

"Yeah, I am." I knew my voice was belligerent and defensive, but Will didn't admonish me. I think he knew I felt some kind of way about babysitting Penny.

"Good. I'll let her know we're available. Do you want to be a dad, sweetheart?"

"I don't think I'm father material," I grunted. Penny snuggled closer to me, and I never wanted to let her go. I sighed heavily but tried to hide it behind Penny's curls. "I haven't had the greatest example with my dad, and I wouldn't ever want his voice to be in my kid's head."

"What was your granddad like?"

"He was fu-fudging great. He loved my grandma and would do little things for her. If she called him at work and asked him to stop at the grocery store, he'd get one of those five-dollar bouquets at the checkout. She gushed over them like they were a dozen roses. He always woke up early if she was going somewhere and warmed her car. Every year for her birthday, he'd take her to the mainland for a fancy dinner that she'd only spend the money on if it was a major celebration."

"He sounds wonderful. What was he like with you?"

"He was nothing like my parents, and I loved him for that. They were obsessed with making me the popular kid. They loved my cousins because they were on the teams that mattered—football, basketball, and baseball."

I paused to smooth my hand over Penny's curls. Her soft snores were like a balm. "I liked to lift weights and run, but I wasn't fast enough for cross-country or anything like that. I did the shot put on the track team, but that didn't matter. Granddad never missed a single meet. Ever. He tried to run interference but never completely went against my parents. Sometimes, I heard my parents yelling at them on the phone and threatening to keep me away. They would've done it too, so they could only push back so far. I never doubted he loved me. They both did."

"Maybe his voice could be the one in your head?"

"What about you? Wanna be a real daddy?"

Hint taken.

"I've always wanted kids. Even back in high school, I knew I wanted them. My parents haven't ever pressured me to have kids and have completely left room for me to change my mind, but I know they hope I won't. They want to be grandparents. They are going to love that kid more than they love me," Will answered with such joy that it made me wistful.

"What are your parents like?"

Will looked thoughtful before he answered. "My mom is a force of nature. She wants the world to be happy, and she's willing to help anyone find that for themselves. She can kinda be a bulldozer, but it's hard to get mad about it because you know her heart is always in the right place."

"And your dad?"

"He's a thinker. He's a lot quieter than my mom, but he would do anything for anyone, so long as he's not given public credit. He likes to stay behind the scenes. He does the books for a couple of smaller charities, but he only charges for his actual time. There's one place in Chicago that helps houseless gay kids get off the street, and he does theirs for free. He's as kind as she is, but you wouldn't know it." Will smiled before he added, "He reminds me of you."

I gave him a quizzical look with a raised brow. Penelope stirred a little, and I didn't want my voice to disturb her. Her weight on my chest felt like an equal measure of happiness and heartbreak. To be a father would be everything, but what if I was the asshole type like my own dad?

"Yeah, he's super quiet and doesn't show his emotions easily, but I've never doubted he loves me."

"What happened when you came out to them?"

"Not a damn thing. My mom asked if I was dating that cute boy who came over to study with me, which I was, and my dad just said okay. That was it. It was almost anti-climactic. How did yours take it?"

"Oh fuck, it was not great. My dad said some stupid shit, and my mom yelled at me. They still think I'm going to magically bring home a girl." It was hard to even imagine parents responding like Will's had. "Do you see your folks often?"

"Not as much as I'd like, but that was the compromise of coming out here."

It felt like our own perfect little world in the living room. I could imagine a life where this was our normal. A child or two, quiet evenings talking, fixing dinner together, or maybe planning a trip. It was everything I'd ever wanted but wouldn't get. Will was fucking amazing. He should be with someone who was just as good as him.

"What are you thinking about?"

Will's voice was soft and low, and I wanted him closer. He'd told me before I needed to tell him what I needed. With the lights low and the fireplace on, it was a cozy nest in the living room. There's been a time when I felt quite so protected. I wanted Daddy in my cocoon.

"Sweetheart, are you okay?"

"Daddy, would you come sit with us?"

"Baby, you smell good," Daddy whispered as he ran his nose along my neck. The hitch in my breath was followed by a soft moan when his hands smoothed down my back and cupped my ass. I ground my cock against his stomach. Precum already beaded the slit and left a sticky trail across his flat abs. "You clean yourself for Daddy?"

"Yeah…oh fuuuuuck." My train of thought vanished when Daddy licked and nibbled a stripe across my collarbones. I momentarily forgot to breathe. "Daddy, do you really not care that I don't like ass stuff much?"

I knew my voice sounded insecure, and I hated that it did. Daddy had seemed like he was fine with all the blowjobs and hand jobs and frotting we'd done, but wouldn't he push for it eventually? It could be the reason Will left to top greener pastures.

Will was hot as fuck. His messy blond hair and green eyes reminded me of a California beach. The ones in Washington were mostly rocky and sharp-edged, like me. Will was sunshine and happiness. He was sweet kisses and a filthy mouth. He was so far out of my goddamn league that I wasn't even in the ballpark.

"Baby, fucking you is what I like."

"You don't fuck me though."

"Oh, baby doll, that's where you're wrong. I'm gonna fuck you so good." Will glanced up and shot me a devilish smirk. He pushed himself off me, smacked my hip, and said, "Roll over. I need that ass."

"Daddy…"

"Beckett, I can fuck you just fine without my dick. Turn over, baby. Let me show you."

Once I was settled on my stomach, Will ran his hands over my back. The pads of his fingers left a trail of fire everywhere he touched. He petted my shoulders, moved down my torso, and cupped my ass. His fingers trailed over my crack, and I shuddered, in all the good ways, at his touch. He massaged the globes of my ass.

Showing him the most intimate parts of myself made me vulnerable, but I wouldn't want anyone else but him to be with me in this room. Daddy knew how to make the scary parts a little less terrifying. When his fingers grazed over my hole, coherent thoughts ceased to exist. When I thrust back to meet his touch, Daddy's low chuckle was wicked.

"Baby, your hole is so pretty. Makes me want to have a taste." With that, Daddy's tongue dipped into my crevice. My groan reverberated around the bedroom, and I wanted as much as he was willing to give. My ass pushed back, and Daddy's hands gripped my hips to keep them still. "I need you up on your knees. You don't come until I say you can. You understand me, boy?"

"Yes." Desire coursed through my veins, and what little thought I managed was firmly centered around my dick.

"You can do better than that. Answer me how I like."

"Yes, Daddy."

"That's better, boy." And then he sent me to the fucking moon.

His tongue licked and kissed and laved at my pucker. He licked and sucked and used his tongue to breach the first ring of muscle. Every nerve ending in my body felt frizzled as we raced toward release.

Nothing mattered except for Daddy and me in the darkened room. No man had ever done this to me before, and it was a goddamn revelation. My own voice was hardly recognizable as I mewled and begged for release. My body needed to shatter into a million pieces so Daddy could put it all back together again.

"Goddamn, Daddy. Can't wait…gotta…" He'd told me I couldn't come without permission, but I knew if I touched myself, the explosion would be close to instant. My cock was rock hard and aching. I'd heard Daddy jerking himself as he ate my ass. I just hoped he was close too because I was about to die, and it would be all his fault.

"Baby, grab your dick." Daddy kept fucking my hole with his tongue while I jacked my own cock.

It only took a couple of tugs before my release spilled over my fist. The guttural sounds from me joined Daddy's moans and created an obscene chorus. It was the best damn thing my ears had ever heard. Ropes of Daddy's cum splashed onto my back, and I collapsed into my mess. Daddy fell onto my back. We lay there in the aftermath, sweat-slicked and panting. Our breaths synced, and it felt like we were one unit.

I liked it. I really fucking liked it.