Chapter 24

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

Orla

N ot even Brice cuddling Calvin the cat had been able to shake me from the depths of my despair.

When Lia had found me, still standing outside the cottage, I'd been stuck in shock. Bullying me into her kitchen, she had forced the story from me while mixing up some magickal blend of tea that she'd made me promise to drink once I went home. Because even though she'd done everything she could to get me to stay, I knew where I needed to be.

At home. By myself.

Or with Goldie at least. It was the only thing that I'd been able to use as leverage to get Lia to allow me to leave—that I needed to feed Goldie—and now I stared glumly at my wee fish as she swam in delighted circles around her bowl, attacking the pirate ship I'd refreshed with fish flakes .

Just when you thought you had it all figured out.

I sighed and went to the bathroom, giving myself a wee shock in the mirror. Goodness, maybe I was more hurt than I had realized? Dried blood stained my forehead and cheeks, a rusty sticky brown, and I carefully threaded my hands through my hair to look for the wound. Tilting my head, I found the small cut in my scalp and sighed gratefully. No need for stitches. Head wounds tended to bleed more than necessary, so all I needed was to clean myself up and put a wee plaster on the gouge in my head and I'd be fine. Lia had tried to do it already, but I'd been too on edge to let her touch me, and she'd respected that.

I showered, keeping care to be gentle with myself, and anytime my thoughts landed on Fin, I forced them away. I'd told Lia about Marie and she'd promised to spend some time looking in her spell book to see if there was any mention of her.

At the end of the day, I just felt bad.

I felt sorry for Marie, and a life cut short.

I felt sad for myself and how somehow, I couldn't manage to keep people in my life.

I felt bad for Fin, who had been so optimistic for a future with me.

I'd never even told him I loved him.

I'd held that part of myself back, maybe because I'd always thought I'd end up right here, alone, crying in the shower.

Pity party table of one.

Sighing, I dried off and wrapped myself in my fluffy robe, stopping at the table where I'd placed the packet of tea. Next to it sat my hammer .

A third gold vine had entwined itself around the handle.

I'd passed all the challenges and was officially a member of the Order of Caledonia. I'd thought I would be happy when I did, but instead I just felt empty inside. Crossing the room, I put the kettle on. I'd promised Lia I would drink her tea tonight, and I didn't have the heart to let her down. Waiting for the kettle to boil, I turned the packet over and looked at the words written on the wee envelope of tea.

For courage to see just how lovable you are.

The words punched me so hard in the gut that I took a physical step backward.

Such a simple sentiment, but one I'd never considered before. Here I'd always been focused on people leaving me, for whatever reason, and just how awful that felt. But I'd never truly looked deeper to think that I'd internalized that to think I wasn't lovable. But seeing it here, in front of me, made me realize how much I'd allowed this subliminal belief to drive me.

And was it really true?

Adding the tea to the water, I let it steep while my mind whirled, flipping through a photobook of memories of people I'd met in my life. Was I not lovable? Or had I been loved and people had to leave for their own reasons—none of which truly related to me?

Addiction, a deadly sickness, had claimed my mother.

My aunt, already at poverty level, had still given me a room.

My cousins, barely able to find enough food for themselves, hadn't had the capacity to care for me. They, too, were just children and younger than me .

Jacob had been taken from me, but he hadn't chosen to leave me.

Grandpa Lou had died of old age.

Ex-boyfriends had left, mainly because I'd kept them at arm's length, or had never given a relationship a serious go.

None of which said I was unlovable.

All of which pointed to the fact that some people were dealt shitty circumstances, and they dealt with it the best they could. I'd finally built a life I could be proud of, happy even, and still I held on to a core belief and kept people away from me, on the off chance they'd one day leave me.

Life certainly wasn't fair, sure enough, but I wasn't being fair to myself either. I'd kept my walls up for so long that I'd been missing out on any opportunity to truly move into a brighter future for myself. Here I was, in Loren Brae, having been offered a veritable magickal sisterhood, as well as an incredible boyfriend, and still I pushed them all back. I wouldn't let Lia help me much tonight. I refused to tell Fin how I truly felt about him. I couldn't even bring myself to adopt Harris because I was scared to lose him. And now, here I stood, feeling sorry for myself because once again, someone had left me.

It looked like it was time for me to fix my cracked foundation.

Drinking my tea, I settled on my bed, not bothering to turn a podcast on as I watched Goldie twirl about in her bowl. How did one go about changing their life?

You can start by apologizing.

The Green Lady sat at the end of my bed, and I smiled faintly at her. My oldest friend, I guessed she was. Odd, wasn't it, that the longest relationship I'd ever had was with a ghost.

"I tried to apologize to Fin, but he ran off."

Do you blame him?

"I don't know. I guess witchy stuff is scary to people. Particularly him. I mean, he did have the incident in the cottage a while back. He'd been full on panicking after."

He was protecting you when he walked away.

"Och, come on now. That's a leap."

Is it? He was angry, but he wants to keep you feeling safe.

I considered that. Fin had always been very protective of me.

"Safe from what? Hadn't I just banished the bad guy?"

Safe from his anger. He didn't want to scare you.

"Does it matter? He took one look at witchy stuff and ran. I don't really see how this will work." Yes, I know I'd just said that I was going to fix my foundation, but I was still bitter about the way that Fin had run from me before giving me much of a chance to explain. I took another sip of my tea.

The Green Lady just looked at me in silence.

"What? Maybe he is doing us a favor. Would we ever really have worked out? Remember. He's the type who holds galas for people and I'm the one people hold galas for."

Tears pricked my eyes, shocking me, and I tried to shore up the walls that held my emotions in a wee box inside me.

Oh, Orla.

I blinked through the sheen of tears, a shiver of disquiet working through me. The Green Lady rarely used my name .

"It's true enough, isn't it? I'm not wrong."

No, you're not.

"See? So maybe this is all for the best. Why even put all this work in just to end up in heartbreak anyway?" To end up alone?

He bought a home here. He's building a life. With you. For you.

"It's for him as well. He told me he was sick of Edinburgh. He likes it here. He has friends here. Plus, it doesn't really matter. He walked away. This is all too much for him. I'm just a mess, all right? I'm a messy difficult person and the magick is probably just one thing too much for him. You had to have seen him. Don't lie…I know you were around. He was furious. Raging. He's done with me."

People are allowed to be mad. That doesn't mean they'll leave you.

"Well, he did."

Orla.

"What?" I looked up at her and stilled. The expression on her face. I knew it. My stomach twisted and I set my cup of tea down before I spilled it on myself.

This is goodbye.

"Why?" I whispered, my tears finally spilling over. "Why now?" How could she do this to me? After all these years of protecting me and guiding me? She was actually leaving me?

You don't need me anymore.

"That's…what?" I barked out a laugh. I was literally at my lowest point. How could I not need her? "How can you even say that? Look at me."

I am. And I'll say it again. You don't need me anymore, Orla. You have everything you need. Right here. She tapped her chest, mirroring my unconscious movement that I was doing on my own, and then disappeared from the end of my bed.

This time, I didn't try to stop the tears. Burying my face in my hands, I wept. The Green Lady believed I didn't need her, but my heart ached. She was choosing to leave me, after I'd just deduced that leaving me wasn't always a choice. And somehow, losing the Green Lady caused a deep, deep chasm inside my heart.

I was now part of the Order of Caledonia, I had women who loved and respected me, but I just felt so utterly… alone.