7. Escape From Quiet Island

The cultists were dancing around an enormous wicker construct, naked except for the vicious masks they wore. Each was a different monster, vaguely animal in appearance. There were teeth and horns, talons and scales, and the sight of it all made Todd want to run—to flee. But he was helpless, a prisoner in his own mind. And he could only reel as his body forced him to continue down the hillside toward the horrible spectacle.

"Hoo-Ah!"the cultists chanted in unison.

What the fuck.What the fuck.What the fuck. Todd's thoughts raced.

Let's not be so profane. The voice interjected. Allow me to introduce myself: Toddy, meet Shadow Todd. I'm like you, but better.Now if you kindly shut the fuck up, I need to get us out of this mess; we have far bigger issues than these freaks and we've already wasted too much time…

Todd fell silent. The voice had never addressed him so directly, usually restricting itself to the occasional jab or taunt. He watched in bewildered awe as his body moved on its own accord.

Shadow Todd kept his pace steady, his breathing measured as he picked his way down the rest of the rocky hillside toward the ring of men in no big hurry. They fell silent as he approached, finally taking notice of him. Todd worried for a moment he might be shoved inside the wicker tower and lit on fire, or worse, as his eyes darted to a flaming torch at its base.

"You're not supposed to be here yet." A man called out, his face a deformed horse with jagged teeth and wild eyes.

"Not until later!" Another agreed, stomping at the ground.

"Halt!" Said a third, stepping forward aggressively and trying to bar his path.

But Shadow Todd ignored them all, and Todd watched, confused, as he watched himself grab at the torch that was lit in front of the giant wicker pyre. The spacing of the cultists—equally distributed about it—had allowed for Shadow Todd to walk right up to it, and he swung it at the nearest few, causing them to back off.

Uh-oh, Todd thought, realizing with a growing dread what was about to happen.

And before even one of the cultists could move to close the space Shadow Todd was using to hold them all hostage, the flaming torch dropped to tickle at the base of the pyre.

"You wouldn't dare!" A man called.

"He'll ruin the incantation!" A second screamed, taking a hesitant step toward him.

"Stop! All of you." A tired voice coughed, and Todd felt it sounded vaguely familiar. The source was a man wearing a horrible pig mask, toothless and grinning wildly through beady little eyes. He removed the mask, revealing himself to be none other than the driver of the white Mercedes from back on the bridge, the one who'd flipped him off and almost caused him to crash.

"Good to see you again." The man greeted, his voice lyrical and soothing.

The storm had finally reached them. Rain began to fall, and Todd realized then that the shadows had found him at last.

I told you, I'm not the enemy. Shadow Todd said.

"I think you have something of mine," Todd heard himself saying. It was a stolen prototype. I'm not sure what that has to do with any of this, but whatever. Who am I to judge? Just give it back, and I'll kindly be on my way." Shadow Todd waved his torch dismissively at the old pig before lowering it perilously close to the wicker tower.

"You wouldn't dare!" the old man squealed.

"Oh, I would," Todd corrected disinterestedly, waving the torch titillatingly close to the pyre now. "Just watch." He winked.

While the real Todd wasn't driving at the moment, he could see Zack beyond up on the hill, peering out from behind the rock white as a ghost. He was looking at him like they had never met before, like he had no idea who he was looking at. Todd realized with despair that, in a way, that was probably exactly how he should feel.

"You sure you don't want to hand it over?" Shadow Todd demanded.

"I'm certain, now come here. We might as well get your part in this out of the way now…" The man continued, nodding to two of the other animals to seize him. "Bring me the blade" He called out to a fourth.

"Fuck you." Shadow Todd spat, burying the torch into the pyre and lighting it ablaze as the first of the men lunged for him.

Todd ran. First in a long, arcing line, dodging and diving amongst the cultists as they screamed and grasped for him, and then in a zigzag that took him between the crackling wicker and the old pig man. Todd laughed maniacally as he veered and whirled. Why the fuck did he agree that this was somehow funny?But it was!

Todd felt alive. And he watched in awe as the strange erection the cultists had constructed here ripped and roared into a furious bonfire. Todd hadn't even found the prototype,he realized with a cringe, looking on wildly as a man threw himself at him only to miss, crashing into the ground with an oomph. Shadow Todd kicked him for good measure before running on.

Todd could feel the heat of the flames on his skin. They had erupted with an intensity he hadn't expected, and the fire was burning hot and fierce, glittering across the sweaty strands of his red hair, which were beginning to stick and cling to him every which way….

And then there was a terrible moment—just as Todd rounded the flaming tower a third time, outrunning a pair of shoeless wolf men as they stumbled after him—where he made eye contact with another familiar face. Another masked animal, another pig, was standing in front of him. Its eyes were an unmistakable blue: Danver.

"You weren't supposed to leave before I delivered you to them." Danver pleaded. "Don't make this harder than it has to be…" He went on.

How in the fucking world—?Todd began to puzzle…but then the too-familiar pig was charging at him, running full bore, its head tucked in for a charge.

Nope, no time for that now!Todd thought with a shriek as he watched himself bolt out of the way.

Todd was running again.

And oh how he ran.Todd sprinted to the hillside, tripping over a rock, regaining his balance before scrambling on up the rocky slope. He was hopping from boulder to boulder far more fearlessly than he would have if he'd been in control, retracing his steps until he reached the rocks he desperately hoped Zack was still waiting for him behind.

The cultists were in hot pursuit, albeit muddled by their apprehension about whether to try and rescue the enormous, flaming pyre in some way. The fire had spread farther now, dancing up the thick of the shaft, smoking ominously as thunder boomed overhead, letting loose a torrent of rain that caused it to steam and crackle. Todd crested the hill and vaulted himself behind the rock where Zack stood sheet-faced. And then, in a pffff, Shadow Todd was gone, and Todd was himself once more. It took everything in him to hold it together just then.

"What the fuck are you doing!" Zack screamed, grabbing Todd by the shoulders and shaking him violently. "Run!" Zack implored, pushing Todd onward down the hill.

It appeared the men below had agreed to abandon the flaming tower, which was all for the best as the inexplicable wicker creation was engulfed in riotous flames. Todd stumbled down yet another set of rocks and it fell from view. In his panic, he was unsure if he could retrace his steps as he had hoped he might, looking around now uncertainly as to exactly where to head next. Zack was close behind him, pausing at times to listen for the footsteps of pursuing as Todd attempted to regain their path.

"Zack, I don't know if we're on the trail anymore," Todd whispered frantically, pushing a balsam fir bough out of his way and whackingZack in the face with it as it zingedback into place.

"Mmmmf," Zack replied, withholding the yelp of pain he likely wanted to express in a tightly pursed mouth.

"Just keep going!" He pleaded.

"This way," Todd said, seeing a series of rocks he thought might be familiar and making his way generally downhill. It was an island, after all. For better or worse, his thoughts reverted to the strange men. What the absolute fuck had all that been?

"We've got a little space," Zack assured him in a low voice. His head had been perpetually twisted over his shoulder, and he was obviously petrified of whatever they had just come into contact with.

Ahead of them, at long last, a road appeared in a clearing amongst the trees. But then…

Fuck.

They hadn't seen a road before. They were lost.

"Bitchin',"Zack said ironically, noting the road to now as he emerged from the woods behind Todd. He had miraculously not lost his patience with Todd. Not yet, at least. But Todd had fucked up. He knew that. He could hear the distant sound of their pursuers crashing through the woods once more and he looked pleadingly at Zack.

"We gotta just keep running." Zack said, taking off down the road. Todd wasn't certain anymore that he should be the one calling the shots, and so he took off after him. After all, it was his fault they were here in the first place.

Luckily, the road proved to be fairly level, and they were able to move along it fairly quickly, keeping to the brush along its edges. After they had surely run almost a mile at a full-on sprint—one in which Todd was certain Zack had loped behind him intentionally, protectively—a small cabin appeared in a clearing up ahead. In the driveway was the white G-Wagon from before, and Todd knew then without a doubt that Shadow Todd had been right about all of this.

Do you really think your mom just went "poof" on that bridge, that you could witness what you did and life could just return to normal? You really are dense, Todd. Shadow Todd hissed. Look around. You're in the middle of something way bigger than yourself.

But Todd didn't want to see it. He knew something wrong. Something had always been a little off in his life, a little off-kilter. There had always been too many coincidences, too many unsettling synchronicities that lined up all too easily…

Todd had fallen out of his sprint at the sight of the car, slowing first to a jog, then to a walk, and eventually just standing, staring at it. Dumbfounded, he looked to the cabin and then back to the car. Could this be a coincidence? But then nothing ever was. And as he looked back to the cabin, he saw it: a small banner with the same familiar pink scrawl: "New Maine World Order"

"Oh hell no. Todd, just no." Zack pleased.

But Todd—the real Todd—felt compelled to approach the structure.

When he reached it, Todd found that the cabin's front door was unlocked. And even as Todd turned the large knob, letting himself in against Zack's halfhearted pleadings, they saw the first of the cultists finally rounding the corner out of the woods and onto the dirt road behind them. They didn't have much time.

"Fast!" Zack barked, launching Todd through the doorway with a shove.

There—right there—on a glass table in the entryway—was the opus. Todd laughed nervously as he looked at it. It was absurd. The veiny instrument curved obscenely, snaking its thickness across the table's surface, eclipsing much of the area with its profound wrongness. Zack had grabbed it in a flash before Todd could shake himself from his stupor, his large hands easily eclipsing the blunt instrument. Zack was using it to flag him along now like he was directing an airplane, his grin wild and frenzied at the absurdity of their current circumstances.

"Let's get the fuck out of here!" Zack said, charging out the back door of the cabin and off across the field behind it.

Todd made to follow, but hesitated briefly, feeling the hair on the back of his neck stand up as a presence entered the cabin behind him.

"Hello, Todd."

Todd didn't need to turn around to know who the speaker was, but he did anyway, looking on in horror as the old pig man stared him down from the doorway. It made no effort to advance toward him, perhaps recounting how the spritely ginger had managed to elude even the best of them back at the tower.

"I know you, boy," the pig spat. "We know you.And now that you've found us… we've found you… Todd!" He giggled a piggy little giggle, "Run along, now," he said, making a pair of legs out of a set of fingers and running them through the air toward Todd.

"Run along and see how far you get." he continued. We're everywhere!" he squealed with delight.

And then the old pig man began oinking. So quietly at first Todd worried disjointedly that the old man might be choking or having a heart attack. But then the sound grew louder, more fervent, and it was unmistakable. His heart raced in his chest as a pair of cultists appeared beside the man.

Todd bounded out the back door, crashing into it as he stumbled out into the rain.

"You can't outrun destiny, Todd!" The man called out behind him.

But Todd intended to do just that. He ran to save his fucking life. To find Zack. To get all of them to safety…

He splashed out into the muddy field, desperately hoping to wake from this nightmare.

After a while,and much to Todd's relief, the brothers reconnected in a huff on a sandy trail that ran along the beach on this side of the island. Todd scanned it, relieved to spot the hot-pink speck that was Bitchin' off in the distance.

"What took you so long!" Zack asked frantically, looking Todd over quickly before hugging him tightly.

"I'm sorry I just froze." Todd admitted.

"It's fine just…help me get Bitchin' in the water. We need to leave. Now." Zack implored, sounding frustrated.

Zack was uncharacteristically quiet as they picked their way along the shore, stopping occasionally to transfer the burden of the replica from one hand to the other or to check on Todd's progress, but never speaking, not even humming to himself. Todd felt a sudden spark of self-doubt, worrying that this might ruin whatever was happening between them. Zack began dragging the jetski to the water, before pausing and looking expectantly at Todd, who had once again been lost in his thoughts.

"You gonna stand there all day?" Zack's voice cut into him. He was waving the giant dildo halfheartedly, his smile obviously forced. Even Zack's eyes had lost a bit of their twinkle. And Todd had been so lost in his own head, so lost in his own bullshit, that he hadn't even noticed while Zack had helpfully dragged the jet ski halfway into the water while he'd stood there uselessly. Todd helped him pull it the rest of the way out into the ice-cold ocean.

"Think you're done here?" a voice boomed out from the tree line.

The voice was joined by a collective, riotous "Hoo-ah!" Along the shore, dotting the forest's edge, a hoard of hundreds of men appeared under the pines—all of them masked, all of them naked.

Of course,Todd thought. Why the fuck not? This day had just gone from bad to worse to batshit insane.

To his instant relief, Todd felt Bitchin' fire up beneath him as Zack prepped their getaway. "I hope you fucking freaks can swim!"Todd yelled as they rocketed into the waves.

Zack blazed them across the water. The men had begun sprinting toward them naked, arcing out across the beach, before finally reaching the boundary of the waterline.

He watched them nervously as they glared at them. There were hundreds, maybe thousands emerging now from the woods. Inland, far above on the bluff, he could make out the distant glowing flames of the pyre.

An icy wind lashed out at him as the dark storm clouds above blotted out the sun. Todd shivered, squeezing Zack tightly and wishing he were anywhere but here.