8. AVA

8

AVA

"One show left."

I should have started with my makeup. The dark circles under my eyes were proof of my restless week. I looked as awful as I felt.

Ivy's declaration forced me to take a deep inhalation. This would have normally been a bittersweet moment for me. The end of a tour meant leaving the comfort of my routine and coworkers for the last sixteen months. It had been a wonderful experience traveling all over and getting to perform in front of sold-out crowds. Though I hadn't ever been on a tour that was this long before, it was typically always nice to get to the end and be able to go home to rest, recharge, and reconnect with the people and places I loved.

Sitting in the hotel bathroom with my curling iron in one hand while my best friend was on speakerphone, I didn't feel any of the same emotions I'd felt when coming to the end of another tour. I wasn't sad about the tour being over or the friends I'd miss. And I certainly wasn't looking forward to a return to my hometown.

I sectioned another piece of my hair and rolled it up in the curling iron. All this effort just to go out with a few of the other dancers and pretend I was happy. "Yeah, I kind of can't believe it. My life has been nothing but this tour for nearly a year and a half. It's kind of crazy."

"It really is. But please tell me you're looking forward to taking a break," Ivy begged.

If there was one thing that I could say was unequivocally true, I was absolutely looking forward to a break. Ever since I'd left Landing the morning after Wyatt's wedding, I hadn't really had much of an opportunity to sit around and think. I desperately needed time to do that. As much as I was looking forward to having some time off, though, I was dreading not having an excuse for not being in Landing. Nobody, not even Ivy, knew about my decision to not return.

Releasing the lock of hair from the curling iron, I sectioned off another piece and did the same process to curl it. "I'm ready to have some downtime," I confessed.

"Alright, well, I'm okay with you taking a few days once you're back, but not long after, I want us to go out. I think I could use a girl's night that gives me some hope."

My stomach pitched uncomfortably. She had no clue I wasn't coming back, and she was going to be devastated once I shared the news with her. But before I revealed that tidbit of information, I asked, "What do you mean? Hope for what?"

"Finding a guy," she declared. "Do you know that I haven't gone out on a single date the entire time you've been gone? The last time was probably six months before you left. Two years, Ava. Two. How is it that Cooper, the guy who wasn't interested in finding someone, somehow did, and yet, I'm interested in dating and can't manage to land even one?"

My heart hurt for her. When I was home, before I even left to come on this tour, Ivy and I spent a lot of time together. She'd struggled to find someone willing to ask her out, and I was too caught up in Tate to be interested in dating anyone else.

I wanted to give her the hope she was seeking.

"He'll come around soon enough," I promised her, releasing the curl and gathering the final section of my hair. "Just be patient."

"I know. But if there's a way for me to hurry the process along by putting myself out there, I'm going to do it," she reasoned. "So, what do you think you're going to need? Three, four days?"

I had to tell her the truth, but I was terrified for her reaction. This was going to break her heart—maybe worse than the lack of a boyfriend—the same as it had already broken mine.

"That's likely, but?—"

"Oh, perfect. Now, what time does your flight get in? I'll pick you up from the airport."

She was eager to have me back. I missed her terribly, too.

I sighed, releasing the last lock of my hair from the curling iron. After setting the curling iron down and unplugging it, I ran my fingers through my hair. Normally, I would have done it to style my hair, but that wasn't the case now.

My heart was pounding wildly. "I don't have a flight."

"What do you mean? The tour is over tomorrow. I thought you were flying home on Sunday. Were more tour dates added?" she asked.

I swallowed hard. "No. No, the final show is tomorrow."

Ivy didn't hesitate to request more information. "So, are you staying there an extra day?"

"No, it's nothing like that. It's just that… Well, I'm sorry for not saying something to you sooner, Ivy, but I'm not coming back."

"What?!"

Tears welled in my eyes, my throat feeling thick. Maybe it was a good thing I hadn't done my makeup before my hair today. I didn't doubt I'd have mascara running down my face by the time this call was over. "I'm sorry," I whispered.

"I… I… I don't understand," she stammered. "What's going on?"

The panic was evident in her voice; she sounded as upset as I felt. I wanted nothing more than to ease the pain I'd already caused, but I knew she'd be even more upset once she learned the truth.

"Something happened," I shared. "Something happened, and I just need time to heal from it. Time to move on."

There was a brief bout of silence before Ivy gasped. "Oh, God. Did… Did somebody hurt you while you were on tour? Are you okay?"

My terror was replaced by guilt. There was such a heaviness in my body, the weight of this whole situation bringing me down. I'd kept so much from my best friend, and now she was assuming the worst had happened to me. "It's nothing like that," I assured her. "The tour has been fine. In fact, it's been a great distraction for me whenever I'm out on stage. What happened to me actually happened back in Landing."

"But you were barely here for two whole days. I know I was sort of preoccupied with so much of the wedding stuff happening, but I didn't think I was that oblivious to what was going on. How could something have happened? Was it at the wedding?"

I closed my eyes, visions of my night with Tate dancing in my mind. It had only been a few days, and I missed him terribly. I hadn't been even remotely prepared for how bad this was going to be for me. For some foolish reason, I'd assumed when I was at the wedding and had convinced Tate to give me one night that I was doing myself a favor.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

Because where my thought had been that I'd feel good about having that single night with the man I loved if that was the only way I could have him, I hadn't anticipated just how often I'd replay our night together and worse, how often I'd long for more of it. Long for more of him.

There was not a chance I could return to Landing knowing that I still wanted him, and he had reasons for not wanting to be with me.

"If I'm honest, it started years ago," I began. "But the worst part of it happened last year on the 4 th of July, just a few days before the tour started. And yes, more happened the night of the wedding. But I don't think I should share more of this with you. I don't want you to worry, get upset, or feel the need to get involved."

"My best friend isn't coming home, Ava. How can I not be upset?"

I wiped at the tears running down my cheeks. "I get it. I understand. I'm just saying that I don't want you to get upset about the actual thing that happened. It can't be changed, and I just want to be able to move on."

The silence stretched between us once again. My nerves were shot, and I was beginning to think I might be better off staying in today instead of going out on my last day off on this tour to do some exploring around the town with a few other dancers.

"Oh, no," she murmured.

"What?"

"How did I not see it before?"

"See what?"

Following a beat, she declared, "You and Tate. I remember seeing the two of you dancing at the wedding. Then you were gone, and he was gone. Oh, Ava. Did something happen between you and my brother?"

I pressed my lips together, unwilling to reveal any details to her. But because I couldn't stay like this forever, I finally said, "I don't want to say anything and create problems for the two of you."

"What did he do?" she seethed, her sadness and despair turning to anger.

Even though she couldn't see me, I shook my head dismissively. This was bound to head somewhere it didn't need to go. "Nothing. Not really, anyway. Like I said, something happened last summer, and things were tense between us ever since. But we put our differences aside at the wedding."

"And?" Ivy refused to be denied.

How could I tell her? I closed my eyes and bit my lip, wondering if there was a good way to get there. Ultimately, I took a few deep, settling breaths before I revealed, "I've been in love with him since I was fifteen, Ivy."

"You have?"

It shocked me that she didn't have a clue. Granted, I never came right out and told her, but she'd been around the two of us together plenty enough to make the connection. "Yes. Why else do you think I've never dated anyone else? Haven't you seen the way I've flirted with him for years?"

There was a brief pause as she, no doubt, thought back over the years and my interactions with Tate. "Why didn't you tell me?"

I could hear the sadness in her voice. I didn't have to see the look on her face to know she was hurt. "I don't know. I guess… I guess I wanted him to want me on his own. I didn't want him to be influenced or pressured by anyone else. And I know how much you love me, so I worried that if I told you, you might try to convince him to do something about it."

She huffed. "Well, if I did, maybe my best friend would be coming home in a couple of days. I don't understand what happened. Did he… Did the two of you?—"

"It was on me, Ivy." I had to cut her off and set the record straight. The last thing I wanted was for her to assume things about what happened and go to Tate about it. If he had reservations about a relationship with me all these years, thinking I'd lied about it to his sister would surely make his impression of me even worse.

"What was?"

"I attempted to convince him to take a shot with me before I left to go on tour. I had this whole thing planned out in my head of how great it would be for us to build a deeper connection over the phone for the months that I was away, but my plans to make that happen turned out horribly. We didn't speak to each other the entire time I was gone. When I came back for Wyatt's wedding, Tate approached me to make amends. We had a discussion, and I learned that he was attracted to me but had his reasons for not pursuing me. He didn't tell me what those reasons were, and honestly, it doesn't matter. You know Tate as well as I do. He doesn't give up his convictions that easily. So, I never expected him to change his mind about that. But what I wanted was just one night with him, and I told him if he didn't take me up on it that night, I'd never offer or ask again."

I believed what I shared had set the record straight and didn't leave any room for Ivy to presume the worst about her brother, but once again, I was wrong.

"And Tate thought he could have his cake and eat it, too," she muttered. "I can't believe him. I can't understand why he'd do that to you."

My stomach clenched painfully. "Ivy, please don't let this cause any friction between you and him. I can't add ruining your relationship with your brother to the list of things I've got to cope with."

"Oh, I'm so angry with him," she seethed. "So, what now? You're never coming back to Landing?"

It seemed impossible for that to be a consideration. "I wouldn't say that I'm never coming back, but I need to get past this. I need to know I can come back there, see him, and not feel the overwhelming sadness I feel now. I need to know I can risk seeing him moving on without me."

"Ava…" Ivy trailed off, her voice mirroring the sorrow I felt with my whole heart.

"You'll see me again, Ivy. It's just going to be a while before I come back."

She didn't immediately respond, but when she did, the sadness was gone and replaced by determination. "He has to fix this. I've got to go and talk to him."

"Ivy, don't?—"

"No, Ava, you listen to me," she demanded. "I'm going to talk to Tate, and I'm going to tell him exactly what I think. Please don't make any permanent decisions about your future just yet. Give me some time to sort this out. I'll call you back later tonight, okay?"

I didn't want her to sort this out. I didn't want Tate to be persuaded into giving us a shot together simply to appease his sister—or the rest of his family. Even if he reached out to me now and wanted to claim he had a change of heart, in the back of my mind, I'd be thinking about what led him to that decision. It wouldn't be because he suddenly no longer had any reservations about me. It would be because his sister sorted it out.

I closed my eyes and sighed. It wouldn't matter how much I begged her not to say anything. Ivy was who she was. She didn't take crap from anyone, and when she got worked up about something, it was best to let her say her piece. I could have argued with her, but it wouldn't change anything. And in the end, I wasn't planning to go back, so even if this resulted with Tate liking me even less, at least I wouldn't have to face him. "Okay."

With that, Ivy and I said goodbye and disconnected our call. I sat there, staring into the mirror for a long time afterward. Eventually, I snapped out of it, got my makeup done, and finished getting ready to head out with my friends.

And before I walked out of my hotel room, I made sure to silence my phone. I didn't want to risk the rest of the day being ruined.