Chapter 13

I"m already in the shower with the hot water pouring over my sore shoulders. It"s been a long night, nothing went as it was supposed to, and we almost lost a member of our team. It"s situations like this that remind me how easy it would be to not come home. It used to not even register that it was an option, but now I have a kid, a wife, people I know who would miss me if something happened.

"Shane, are you okay?" Courtney asks as she comes into the bathroom. "I"m worried."

"This happens sometimes." I speak over the noise of the water. "We have a rough night, and I have to wash it off of me. I have to get the images I see afterward out of my mind."

"How do you do that?" She asks.

"However I can," I admit. I"m not proud that sometimes that means sleeping with a hookup for the night, drinking myself to sleep, or taking a few sleeping pills so I can have uninterrupted rest. I"m so deep in thought, I don"t realize the shower curtain is opening until she"s stepping inside.

"Maybe I can help you tonight, Shane."

"You don"t know what you"re saying." I swallow roughly, closing my eyes against the sight of her.

"I do, I might be younger than you, but I know what I want, and what I want is to be what you need. So let me be that for you. If we"re going to be married, and I"m going to be your wife, you have to give me the reality." She reaches up, cupping my jaw in her hand. "Life isn"t beautiful all the time, there are ugly parts, and we have to show the ugly."

"There"s plenty of ugly, but I want you to make sure you can handle it, before I give it to you."

"I can handle whatever you"ve got, Shane."

I inhale deeply, my nostrils flaring as I reach down, grabbing her at the hips, and pulling her up so that her legs go around my waist. Her heels dig into the small of my back as we fight for purchase against our wet flesh. Quietly we make our way into my bedroom. This is a place I"ve never had a woman before, not even Rachel"s mom. I tell her as much. "Just make sure you want to get as deep with me as I want to get with you."

She nods, her eyes meeting mine. I set her down on the hardwood floor and turn on a bedside light. It casts a soft shadow over the room, bathing us in a comfortable blanket of secrecy. It allows me to go for what I want, and hopefully allows her to the do them.

Pushing her onto the bed, I cover her body with mine, trailing my lips down her neck and chest before taking a taut nipple between my lips. Courtney digs her nails into my back as I work against her body. "What do you like?" I ask as I pull away from her breast.

"I don"t know." She says on a sigh as I drag a hand down her body and use my fingers to get her ready for me. "You don"t have to worry about protection, I know the agency had us tested and I"m on birth control."

Dipping my head down, I take her lips, pressing her thighs apart with my knees. I hate that I"m going to take her hard, but I need it to help me get through this night. Pressing into her, I close my eyes and throw my head back, allowing her to take away all the destruction and sadness.

Within her, I find happiness and optimism. In the face of something ugly, the wife I wasn"t sure I ever wanted shows me the beauty in it all.