Thirty-one

Liz

"No way, mine has tinsel everywhere, plus this ironed-on Christmas llama. I totally win!" Lil argued with her brother, who proclaimed himself the victor of this ugly sweater contest.

"No! I have garland wrapped all around me, with ornaments and a star. I'm a Christmas tree, Lil! I totally win." He held his lower eyelid down and stuck his tongue out to his sister as if that sealed the deal. Lil shook her head but conceded.

"Whatever, I know who the real winner is."

"Me!" I shouted, jumping into the argument quite literally. My arms were spread wide, with my legs apart in a ta-da! pose. The kids grinned as they shook their heads.

"No, mom. Milo and I can at least agree on that."

"Sorry, mom." Milo continued to shake his head at me in disappointment. I acted hurt, lowering my chin to my chest as I let my arms fall.

"Oh," I pouted, "I see how it is."

Both of them attacked me in a hug, grinning up at me from my waist. "We still love you."

"Mhm. Sure you do."

"Hey, at least yours resembles a sweater. I don't know what I did." Brian frowned as he held out his sweater, unable to even put it on anymore as he had glued the fabric to itself by mistake. We all laughed, causing him to grin back at us. "This was fun. Thanks for letting me in on the tradition."

"You know you're always welcome in my house." Elle squeezed his shoulder as she passed him by, placing a large platter of waffles in the center. Addie was behind her, hip-checking Brian as she placed the bacon on the table.

"We love having you," she added.

"They aren't lying." I met his eyes, falling into the depths of those blues.

He winked at me, or maybe the kids. I still didn't know what they talked about, and everyone had been very tight-lipped about it. After I came back from the Foster's place, I was bombarded by questions from Elle, who covered for me with the kids. Old habits die hard.

"Okay, let's eat and watch our movie!" Elle urged us on, looking at me expectantly. Tomorrow she was going to watch the kids for me so that I could go out to the lookout where Lyle asked me to be his girlfriend. It was as good a spot as any to say goodbye to him.

We all ate and joked around, as the sugar from the syrup hit and watched our movie. It was nice, calm, and easy, the sadness never creeping up. I wasn't sure if it was because I read all of those emails, or because I talked to Lex today, but the sadness felt smaller today…easier to swallow. Maybe it was all the sex. I laughed at the thought, gaining some concerned looks. I waved them off, shaking my head in a don't-worry-about-it manner.

"Ready?" I heard Brian whisper to the kids, gaining an arch of my brow.

"Ready." Milo nodded, being the first up. He stared me dead in the eyes, standing tall in front of the tv as the credits rolled behind him, random names in large white letters. I was still sitting on the floor, causing Milo to look taller than he actually was.

"Milo?" I questioned.

"Okay, mom. Here's the thing. Lil and I know." My heart raced as I waited for him to finish, already knowing what he was going to say but hoping I was wrong. "We know about you and Brian. You guys aren't the best actors, or the quietest people."

I turned a bright shade of pink as I thought of them possibly hearing what Brian and I were up to in my room. "I heard you guys talking one night, and Lil saw his car another night."

"Oh." I exhaled, glad they didn't hear anything worse but internally freaking out about what they were going to say.

"Brian kind of confirmed it for us today," Lil added as she took her place beside her brother. I felt like a small child about to be scolded by her parents. Worry seeped deep into my bones, wondering if this was it, if this was when the kids chewed my head off and called me heartless.

"He asked us if you—" Lil placed her hand over Milo's mouth, silencing him instantly with a shush.

"You'll see. What we're trying to say is that we're okay with it. It's not like we expected you to live the rest of your life single, and if anyone had to be that person for you, I am glad it's Brian," Lil finished, wrapping up this little discussion with a neat bow.

My heart warmed with happiness, knowing my children were okay with Brian and I. It was my biggest worry, my worst fear, to have Brian but not be able to be with him because Lil and Milo weren't ready. To hear her say these words to me, I couldn't help the tears that misted my eyes. Milo only nodded in agreement with his sister, his mouth still covered by her hand.

"I asked them for their blessing, because I wanted you to not have to worry about anything when I asked you this question." Brian was standing behind my kids, taking his spot between them. The image of him with my kids — the way he looked as if he could be their father — overwhelmed my mind as his eyes met mine. "Will you officially be my girlfriend, Lizzie?"

With my hands covering my mouth to keep from screaming, and tears pooling at the edge of my eyes, causing my vision to blur, I nodded my head happily. The moment I had pictured as a teenager had finally occurred, even if it wasn't exactly as I had imagined it would happen. What I had dreamed of was finally coming true. Brian was mine, and I was his.

He knelt in front of me with a smile so big it warmed my heart back up, pushing away all the sadness of the last nine months. Brian made me feel whole again, reminded me of who I was, who I'd always been. I had lost myself to my depression, but he had brought me back, brought me happiness once more.

It only took twenty years and a great love for each of us to find our way back to one another. I'm never letting go of him again. Brian would have to pry my cold, dead fingers from his body to get away from me.

His hand cupped my face as if I was the most delicate flower on the planet. With his forehead pressed against mine, he whispered, letting his warm breath fan over my lips. "I promise to make your future, and the kids, the best I possibly can. You're my world, Lizzie, always have been."

He sealed the deal with a kiss, to which Milo pretended to gag and Lil only smirked. They were both happy for me, and that was all the permission I needed in this world.

"About fucking time!" Elle shouted, surprising us all with her word choice. Everyone fell silent for a moment before bursting into laughter.

The rest of the evening was spent cuddling between Brian and my children, feeling the most at home I had felt since I woke up to Lyle's dead body. Nothing would ever wipe that memory from my mind, but having Brian close kept it from surfacing as often as it normally did.

I just need to say goodbye to Lyle, so I can truly move on.

**Song Suggestion: Salt by Sueco**

I backed the truck up near where Lyle had parked his Jeep many years ago, wanting the truck bed to face the view. Stepping out, I opened the tailgate and sat back against the rear windshield. The sun was setting in the distance, kissing the tops of the trees with a mixture of orange and yellow hues. It reminded me of the way Lyle's smile would shine when he told me he loved me.

"I've always liked this spot." His conjured image appeared as if summoned, already knowing what was going to happen. "You leaving me, sweets?"

I thought I would at least get through what I needed to say before I started crying, but I was wrong…so very wrong. A choked sob left me as I nodded my head, hugging myself tight. I wished someone could be here with me, to comfort me, but I needed to do this alone, needed this moment with my fake Lyle.

"I am," I finally managed to say.

"Ouch. Death really did tear us apart, huh?"

"It did." I cried, almost feeling his arm around me as if he really was holding me. "I need to let you go, Lyle. This…you…it's like pouring salt on my aching, bleeding heart."

"I'm no good for you, sweets?"

"Not like this. You're gone, Lyle. You died months ago, and I've selfishly kept this part of you locked in my mind. I can't keep doing this — can't keep conjuring you up. I need to let you go, even though it's killing me to do so. I hope you can forgive me for moving on so fast. I hope that, wherever you are, you aren't cursing my name."

"I could never." The feel of his lips on my forehead plagued me, bringing up all the times, all the memories in which he'd done so, remembering the feel of them against my skin. "I love you. No matter how dead I am."

There was that haunting smile again, keeping me from wanting to let him go. It was that damn smile I would miss the most, the thing that would be forever seared into my mind, even when I started to forget what his face looked like. I could never forget his smile, much like the Cheshire cat, a smile that lingered long after his face was gone.

"I love you, Lyle. There's no denying the happiness you brought me for twenty years, the promises you made good on, the struggles you helped me through. You're my great love."

"But he's your future. Just don't forget me, sweets. I know I never will." His fingers ran across my jaw, leaving a ghost trail as I remembered the way it always led to a soft kiss.

"I could never forget you. Never. Not ever." There would never be an instance in which I would forget him, especially when I looked at our children, when I would see Lil's eyes or Milo's curls.

"Don't let the kids forget me either, and make sure Brian takes care of them. I know he will. I know he'll raise them right, I mean, he helped make you the person you are." His chuckle bounced around my head, echoing in my empty thoughts. "I know you won't change your mind, but if you ever do, you know where to find me. I'll be waiting for you, sweets. You and Brian, when the time comes."

He disappeared into the air, leaving me to cry in his truck bed, holding myself tight. I felt so broken, so alone, as I let the sadness encompass me. "Goodbye, Lyle," I whispered, laying down as I closed my eyes.

I'd fallen asleep with my heart torn to shreds, opening my eyes again when I heard Brian's voice.

"Lizzie!" He was so concerned, shaking my body vigorously. "Lizzie!"

I groaned, opening my eyes to see the stars shining behind his head. His eyes shimmered with tears, a clear line of worry across his forehead. "Thank God," he croaked out, pulling my head to his chest and cradling it there.

"I'm okay," I assured him, my voice muffled against the fabric of his shirt. "I'm sorry. I closed my eyes and I guess I fell asleep."

"You had us all so worried." His voice was thick with emotion as his shoulders shook. He's crying. "You had me worried."

"I am so sorry. I'm okay. I promise."

He kept me in his embrace a while longer, calming whatever storm was raging inside of himself. More than likely he thought something was wrong with me when he found me, since I slept like the fucking dead. I probably stirred up some deep-seated trauma, reminding him of when Sam died.

"I'm okay, Bry. It's okay," I soothed him, pressing my hands into his back as I held him tight, making sure he could feel I was real. He nodded his head, inhaling deeply.

"Elle told me what you were doing, and when you didn't return, I figured this was where you went to do it. I got worried. I thought maybe you—" He stopped, pulling away and rubbing his eyes with his fingers.

"You thought I jumped off the cliff?" I arched my brow. "Don't worry, Bry. With you around, those days seem a distant memory. As long as you're with me, you and the kids, I won't be leaving this life willingly." I grabbed his face, smushing it between my hands so that his eyes were forced to look at me. "Got that?"

"Got it."

"Let's get back so the kids don't keep worrying."

He nodded, helping me off the truck bed and walking me to the door.

"You're okay to drive?"

"Perfectly fine. I promise." I held three fingers up in a scouts promise, despite never being one.

"Okay. I'll follow behind you, just in case."

I rolled my eyes but nodded my head, knowing he needed this. It was pitch black, making the off-road drive a little harder as we exited the lookout. After a while, we made it to the farm, seeing Elle on the porch. She jumped off, running towards the truck and tackling me in a hug the moment I stepped out.

"Did you do it?" Her blonde hair tickled my nose as she asked me in a tight embrace.

"I did."

"Good girl. I love you, Liz."

"I love you, too, Elle."

After her came the kids, who had lingered by the door with wet eyes and pink noses. I had made them cry, and seeing the torment in their eyes, I started crying again. "I am so sorry I worried you guys. I had to do something. I never meant to scare you."

"I swear, you're going to give me gray hairs well before I am meant to have them!" Lil complained, but stretched her arms out towards me anyway, nestling into me, followed by Milo around our waists.

"I am so sorry, you two."

"We know."

"I'm glad you're okay, Auntie Beth," Addie threw her slender arms into the mix, joining us in our ever-growing group hug.

Before long, Elle and Brian joined in, placing me in the center of this hug, feeling all the love from the most important people in my life. Things were bound to get better, to keep moving forward. Now that I said goodbye to him, I could move on and leave this depression behind. I'm not naive enough to believe that this will be the end to all my sadness, but it's a start.

Lyle was gone, and I would learn to live with that. For now, I would care for our children and start to build a life with Brian. I would be here for Elle and help her work through things with Lane as she moves on with Mason. I will raise our children the way we would have together.

Watch over us always, Lyle. I'll meet you in heaven.