Twenty-Eight

Liz

He was waiting for an answer, but what the hell kind of answer could I give him? I was furious, but maybe not entirely at Brian. In all honesty, I was mad at myself, too. In my stubbornness, I robbed Brian and Lyle of their friendship.

I was so mad at Brian for not coming to my wedding, for trying to make me choose between him and Lyle. At that moment I convinced myself that if he wanted to be that way, that I would let him be. I'd let him cut ties with me, and I'd do the same. But all the while, Lyle was reaching out, wanting his friend.

He never told me about the emails, never said how much he missed Brian. Not once did he try to force me to call or reach out myself, but he did try to get me to forgive him. He never let me talk bad about him and refused to allow me to hate him.

I should have realized that meant he was hoping for things to be repaired between us. If only he knew that Brian loved me so much more than a friend. Would he still have felt that way? Would Lyle still have liked us to be friends?

"Lizzie," he called to me with a voice so gentle it could lull me to sleep.

I'm tired…exhausted, actually.

"Don't Lizzie, me! You can't drop that on me. I don't know what you want me to say. I have no idea how to make this better. You ignored him, Bry!"

The bed sank beside me as he sat down, encroaching on my space. He was itching to hold me, to touch me. It was in Brian's nature to comfort those he loved, but right now he was the reason I was hurting. More than likely that was killing him inside, only increasing the need to hold me. I know what he's like inside and out…no matter how much time has passed.

"I know."

The guilt was heavy in his voice, in his whole damn body. His hands were tightly gripping his knees, the need to keep them in place evident in his strong hold. His head dropped in shame and his body curled into itself. His expression was a mixture of deep pain and contemplation.

He wanted to make things right, wanted to make me feel okay again, but how could he? There was no fixing the past. It happened already and there was nothing we could do to change it, no matter how badly we wanted to. It wasn't logical, but I was mad at him for something he couldn't fix…couldn't change.

Knowing that Brian wouldn't leave until things settled, I decided to push forward. "You never read them."

"I have now." His hands squeezed at his knees harder, worrying me he'd somehow pop his kneecap out of place from his grip alone.

"All of them?" I questioned, feeling somehow worse at the news. Isn't that what I want? For him to read the emails?

He nodded, staring straight ahead at my reflection in the dresser mirror. I think it was his way of looking me in the eyes without actually doing so. Maybe it lessened the guilt in him if he didn't meet my eyes directly.

"It killed me, Lizzie. He sent me so many emails, so many things I wish I would have read and replied to. I want to go back in time so badly and do it all over again — do it right."

I stared back at his reflection, wishing I had some kind of answer to all this. He was the one thing keeping me sane, keeping me from drowning fully right now, outside of my children. But now he was the one who'd hurt me. He was my happy place and my torment at this very moment, and I hated it so much.

"I can't take back what I did, or really what I didn't do, but I want to reply to those emails. Will you let me do that? Will you let me reply to the emails he sent me?"

"What difference would it make? He can't read them now."

"But you can."

"I still don't get what that will solve." I was upset, needing time to process, to deal with it all. When I went to Brian's house today, I didn't expect to have my world rocked like that. My mind was still coming to terms with the fact that Lyle did things I had no clue about. What else had he done?

"Just, will you let me?"

Seeing how desperately he needed this, I nodded my head. If I couldn't be okay, I at least needed him to be, even if I was pissed at him.

"Thank you, Lizzie. When I'm done, I hope you'll be able to forgive me." He turned to face me on the bed, leaning in and kissing the side of my head. "I love you, Elizabeth."

"Lizzie," I whispered, never wanting to hear any other name come from his mouth when it came to me.

"I love you, Lizzie. I won't come to your bed until I've finished. Be mad at me. Be furious with me. Whatever you need. But know that when I'm done replying to every single one of his emails, I'm coming back to you and never letting go. You can hit me the entire time, but I'll be right here," he pointed to my bed, digging his finger into the mattress. "I'll be right beside you no matter what. Got it?"

I nodded, feeling the tears well in my eyes again. This wasn't right. I didn't want him gone. I didn't want to be mad at him, but how could I not be? How was I supposed to get over the fact that he ignored us for so long?

I felt the mattress lift before I looked his way, catching his eyes as he turned from the window. He gave me one final sorrowful look before he climbed out of my room and down my roof. I hugged my knees to my chest as I let the tears fall.

I just want things to go back to the way they were.

I fell back on my bed, exhausted but unable to stop the sobs that escaped me, that kept me awake for a lot longer than I would have liked to be.

How am I supposed to do eleven days of fun like this? Without Lyle and now without Brian? Lord, help me.

Eventually I must have cried myself to sleep because when I opened my eyes again, the sun was shining, burning my retinas with its bright rays. I blinked repeatedly as if that could shake off the exhaustion.

I felt like a zombie, slowly peeling myself off the bed at turtle-like speed. Dragging my feet, I made my way to the bathroom, seeing myself in the mirror. My eyes were puffy and bloodshot, making me look about as good as I felt.

Finding the eyedrops in my medicine cabinet, I tried to fix the pink in them. After washing my face and brushing out the nest in my hair, I decided to brave the world, only to be metaphorically smacked with my not-so-healthy mental state, as Lyle's broad chest covered my view.

"Can you believe that guy?" He shook his head, but he held a smile like he always did. I could count on one hand the amount of times I had seen Lyle without a smile, and each of those times were when he was fuming. Twenty years and only five instances in which he didn't look at me and smile.

"Please, not now. I need to appear happy, not start crying all over again," I whispered as I made my way to my clothes.

"Geez, sweets. It's almost like you don't want me here anymore." He acted hurt as he threw himself on the bed, laying on his side with his head propped up on his hand.

"I wish you really were here." I wished it more for myself than the illusion of Lyle. I miss my husband, only now I feel guilty for feeling this way.

Being with Brian in this limbo had made things so much harder, and I was starting to wonder if I should have ever fallen into the temptation of him to begin with. Would it have been better to leave things between us strictly platonic? At least for a while longer?

"Mom?" A light knock on my door had me jumping out of my skin.

"We're not decent!" Lyle yelled out his favorite thing to say to the kids in the morning even when we were fully dressed.

"One second." I pulled my shirt over my head, making my way to the door. "Good morning." I smiled at my daughter, putting on the best front I could.

"Auntie said you've slept enough." She shrugged, not thinking the same way Elle did. To Elle, sleeping past nine was wasting the day away, while to me and Lil, waking up before ten, when there was no school, was a sin.

"What time is it?" I furrowed my brow, realizing I hadn't checked the time once.

"Eleven."

My eyes widened so much I could feel my lids unsticking from one another. "She let me sleep in?"

"Brian told us to let you rest." She leaned against the wall as she gave me a big grin. "According to him, you went to bed really late. How does he know that, mom?"

She was teasing me, probing for information I'd normally laugh at her for, but today I was stuck on the fact that Brian had told them anything. "Was he here?"

"Yeah. He stopped by to bring me my wallet. I left it in his car." She gave me a sheepish grin, knowing I'd lecture her for not being responsible with her wallet, but I didn't have it in me this morning.

"Oh."

I wasn't sure why her answer disappointed me. What was I hoping for exactly?

"Oh?" Lil placed her hand on my forehead, checking me for my non-existent fever. I pushed her hand away with a roll of my eyes. "Who are you and what did you do with my mother?"

"Ha. Ha. Very funny." I headed for the stairs with Lil on my heels.

"No, seriously." She jumped in front of me, staring me dead in the eyes with so much concern. "Are you okay?"

What is it about being asked if you're okay by someone you love that just breaks you apart?

I shook my head no, because I couldn't deny it. The depression was taking hold, and I knew I couldn't keep it secret — shouldn't keep it secret. Lil wrapped her arms around me tight, embracing me as I cried.

"I'll get Elle. I love you, mom."

She let me go, running down the steps yelling for her aunt. Within minutes, Elle was at my side, and something about having my big sister run to me with her arms open had me sobbing way before she ever touched me. I broke down in her arms, falling to the floor with her.

"It's okay, Liz. I'm right here." After a few minutes of being on the ground, Elle led me to my room, sitting me on my bed with her. "Tell me what's going on. I thought you were feeling happier with Brian. What happened?"

I shook my head, wiping my eyes with my wrists in an attempt to stop the never-ending tears. "I just…I don't know, Elle. Maybe it was too soon for Brian and me to do anything. I still miss Lyle."

"Of course you do." She squeezed my arm with her calloused hands, years of farm work changing the feel of them. "He was your husband for twenty years, and your friend before that. You're not just going to stop missing him just because you're with Brian."

"But that's not right to Brian."

"Is it not? Do you really think he doesn't know you miss Lyle?"

I let my hands fall, realizing it was futile to try to stop my crying. "Just because he knows, doesn't mean it's right. Besides, did you know that Lyle was sending Brian emails this whole time? He never read them until yesterday, Elle!"

If my sister was surprised by the news, she didn't show it as she grabbed my hand and scooted closer to me. "And?"

"And?!"

"Yeah, and? What does it matter? That's nothing new. You already knew that he wasn't speaking with you and Lyle this entire time, and now you understand why. Did you expect him to reply to the emails of the man who stole his greatest love? Even if they were best friends before. Imagine what it was like for him to see the two of you together, so close to him, for those two years."

"What aren't you telling me?" I arched a brow at her, realizing she knew something I didn't. She was holding something back that I wasn't aware of. Elle and I seldom hid things from one another, talking every day through text, social media messages, or funny memes and videos. We shared everything with each other, so for her to have something I didn't know about was as unexpected as the moon imploding on itself.

She sighed, staring at our hands for a second before her blue eyes caught mine. "He was hurting so much, Liz. He came to me when I returned for Christmas break your senior year. His dad had flown himself and his wife at the time to Hawaii and left Brian behind. You were with Lyle at his parents' for dinner, and mom and dad were absent, as usual. I think he expected to find you, but he found me instead."

My heart was hammering, wondering where this was going. The image of Elle and Brian kissing popped into my head, killing my heart and turning my empty stomach sour. I waited, listening for the part I was hoping she wouldn't say.

"I took him to our Secret Garden in case mom and dad showed back up. He looked so lost, Liz, like a little basset hound puppy with teary eyes. You know, like those stuffed animals?" I nodded, knowing exactly what she was referencing, as always. "He opened up to me there. Told me how much he loved you and how angry he was at himself for never telling you how he felt. He was growing this resentment for Lyle, and it was starting to seep into the relationship he had with you."

I furrowed my brow, trying to imagine what things must have been like for Brian back then. Without even realizing it, I had become a shit friend to him when I got with Lyle. I went from being with him all the time to almost never seeing him alone. He didn't have anyone else, I knew that, yet I bailed on him.

"He confessed to me that he'd done something stupid. A few stupid things actually." She squeezed my hands so tight I thought I'd lose circulation. "He slept with Danielle first. Then he slept with another girl. I can't remember her name. He listed off about five girls and told me how disgusting he felt each time after. He wanted them to be you and they never would be. He told me he hoped that maybe one of them would have stirred something in him and they didn't. Liz, I'd never seen him so broken. Not since his mom died. Only he seemed like the living dead. It was literal hell on Earth for him."

God, I had no idea.

"So as your older sister, I need to make sure that you don't mess this up. Brian doesn't care that you miss Lyle. He doesn't care that you want to take things slow. This man has been waiting all his life for you. I promise you, he would do anything you asked of him. For the love of all that is holy, Liz, give this man a shot and don't fuck it up. Don't do that thing where you question it and take it back. Accept it, accept him, and move on with your life. It's okay to move on."

"I can't move on, Elle. Not when Lyle's lying right behind you. Not when I keep seeing his ghost everywhere. When he keeps talking to me, smiling at me as if he were really here."

"Elizabeth," my name left her lips in a shocked gasp, turning around slowly as if she half expected to see Lyle herself.

"I need help."

"Don't worry, Liz. I will help you through this."

She wrapped her arms around my head, pulling me into her chest and letting me cry. My mind whirled with thoughts of the past, the present, and how I envisioned my future. It pained me to realize how poorly I had treated Brian, only to have him be this wonderful man in my life, someone I wanted in my future.

What am I supposed to do?