Twenty-Six

Liz

Acceptance and commitment therapy coupled with some cognitive behavior therapy, and you have the things my therapist and I discussed today. After admitting to Brian that I see Lyle as a ghost, he made sure to take me to my next therapy session the week after.

I wasn't exactly going to tell them I was seeing Lyle's ghost, but I admitted to having a hard time letting him go. I used words like "I keep seeing him everywhere" and "It's like he's still with me." There was no way I was going to say I was seeing things. I hadn't built a close relationship with this therapist yet. They'd think I had lost my mind completely and maybe lock me away.

I knew Brian was worried about me. He's been checking in on me more and more since I told him. He didn't let me out of his sight at work and there wasn't a night that he wasn't at my side. I'd forgotten what it was like to go to bed alone again, and I didn't particularly mind it.

The therapist gave me some suggestions, and for the most part, they helped. I didn't see him as much as I used to. It was hard to, though, since Brian was always around. I noticed he showed up more when I was in emotional distress. For now, I was just happy to have some more tools to help me continue accepting that Lyle was gone.

I was leaving the park with my kids, reflecting on my therapy session, when we ran into Danielle with her son. Milo asked to stay a little longer to play with his friend. I couldn't deny him that, but when it was really time to go, he asked to spend the night with Ryan instead.

"So, can I go?" Milo's big hazel eyes stared up at me with so much unbridled excitement, he was practically bouncing with it.

"Of course you can go." My lips couldn't resist the pure elation my heart felt knowing Milo had finally made friends, curving into a smile that matched his own. "Just be safe, and call me if you need anything or if you change your mind. Remember, our code word is pillowcase."

He nodded excitedly, wrapping his arms around my waist and squeezing tight. "Thanks, Mom."

He ran off in the direction of Ryan and Danielle, who were waiting for my answer, I guess. Milo's first sleepover in Willowbrook would be at Danielle Fox's house. Who would have thought?

"How come his code word is pillowcase, but mine is tampon?" Lil arched her brow in question, tapping her foot as she waited for an explanation. I laughed as I turned, pushing her towards the car.

"You mean to tell me you want your brother's safe word to be tampon? I'm not sure he can casually slip that into a text without arousing suspicion."

"That's not what I meant." Lil rolled her eyes, already over my playful nature. She's got that I love you, but you're annoying kind of vibe towards me. "I mean, I don't want mine to be tampon anymore. Pillowcase sounds nice."

"Yeah, but tampon makes sense."

"Mom!" she complained, groaning as she got into the passenger seat. "I'm serious."

"Alright. Fine, fine. Hold on." I shut the door on her, rounding the hood of the truck and taking my spot behind the wheel. "Okay. What do you want your new safe word to be? Remember, it has to be something you can text me that won't make your friends wonder. It's useless if your friends know what you're doing."

Lyle and I had come up with a system for the kids. Any time they left to hang out with a friend or go to a sleepover or even a school function, if they felt uncomfortable or changed their minds about being there, all they had to do was text us their safe word. One of us would then wait a few minutes and call, faking some emergency or some sort of fake grounding for something they quote unquote did.

"I know that. How about Elle as my code word? I can ask how she's doing or I could say to tell her hi. Or something," she suggested with hopeful eyes.

"Mmmm, maybe. Think of something better. That one could get confusing."

She sat silently as I drove us to Brian's place. He was going to teach Lil how to drive stick today, and we were both terrified and excited about it. Lily was over the moon when he had offered the week after Thanksgiving. Considering this would be a great way to start out our twelve days of Christmas fun, we decided to do it today. Just need another eleven more ideas for each kid. I can do this.

"Pineapple pizza?"

"Okay. Pineapple pizza."

Lil fisted the air at her side in silent triumph. I let her have her moment, seeing her smile widen. My girl is growing.

I pulled into Brian's freshly paved driveway, remembering the large cracks and forming holes it once held. He must have fixed it all when he moved back. A new coat of white paint made it stand out against the rest of the faded neighborhood, not to mention the new shingles on the roof. It was obvious Brian had spent time restoring his childhood home, bringing it back to life.

He avoided this place like the plague once his mother passed, but I had some good memories with him in these four walls. This was our spot when we were kids, playing in the backyard, or video games in his bedroom. I smiled as I stepped to the once-red door, now painted black, reminding me of lyrics Brian would whisper in my ear every time he'd greet me at the door.

"Well, if it isn't my favorite pair of ladies, and on time, too." Brian's warm smile greeted us as he opened the door, stepping out with his keys in hand.

"There was no way I was going to let her be late." Lil shook her head, as if being late was second nature to me. Whatever. I'm not that bad.

Brian cracked a laugh, leading the way to a black Dodge Charger. Apparently, this was the car he had arrived in before saving the Mustang from the junkyard and restoring it to its former glory. His words to us were "I'd love to teach Lil how to drive. But there's no way she's learning in the car I spent years restoring." I had laughed but completely agreed, pleased with merely the offer to teach her to drive stick.

"Okay, Lily. Are you ready to get started?" Brian arched his brow at my daughter, a kind smile tugging at his lips.

"So ready!" she practically screeched, reminding me of the yells of fan girls who practically disintegrated when they saw someone famous.

"We'll be back." Brian turned to me, leaning down to whisper in my ear as Lil opened the driver's side door and began rubbing the steering wheel like it was the most precious thing on the planet. "Pray for me. If she's anything like you, we might not make it unscathed."

I laughed at my poor daughter's expense, knowing Brian was probably not wrong in his assumption. Lily, unfortunately, took after me in a lot of my shortcomings, but she overcame them faster and better than I ever did.

"Make yourself at home. Sims is on my computer!' He winked at me as he hopped into the passenger seat, inhaling deeply like he was trying to get rid of his nerves.

I waved them off, seeing the car bob in protest as Lil ground the gears in a not-so-pleasant way. Knowing my drug was waiting on me in Brian's computer, I headed inside, needing to create a Sim character to feel in control of life again.

Stepping inside, I was greeted by the calming scent of lavender and rosemary that permeated the air. The combination hit my nostrils hard, stunning me for a brief moment as I had expected the place to smell like degreaser.

Closing the door behind me, I ventured further inside, taking in Brian's reformed home. My curious nature took over as I peered into rooms, wondering what I'd find behind each door. Brian's old room was the first door I opened, finding an in-home gym had taken its place. I could still picture his race car bed when we were six and how we would take turns pretending to be Nascar drivers.

I ventured to what used to be his parents' room next, finding a large king-size bed pressed against the wall. The bed was made so pristinely, with its corners tucked in tight. It used to not be that way. Brian never took time to make his bed when we were in high school. He'd never even wear pjs. I know this because when he showed up at my house at night he'd always be fully dressed.

The last door left to explore was the one that led to what used to be the guest room. The once ocean-themed room now housed a large oak, L-shaped desk with a decent set up. Brian had dual screens with a live wallpaper that danced around both screens. I skipped over to his computer, moving the black mouse with outlined neon lights. The computer came to life, revealing one monitor with his many desktop shortcuts and the other with his email pulled up on the browser.

I pulled the black gaming chair back, rolling it smoothly over the hardwood floor. Taking a seat, I took my shoes off under the desk, bringing my feet up onto the chair and taking my odd sitting position. With my fingers tapping my lips, I looked through his shortcuts trying to find the Sims icon. A notification sound caught my attention, bringing it to the other monitor, noting Brian had a new email.

My eyes darted with curiosity, but trying not to invade his privacy I looked away as quickly as I could. However, my eyes thought they saw Lyle's name on the screen. Surely my mind is playing tricks on me again. Unable to shake the thought, I looked again. There, on the left-hand column, sat Lyle's name, with the number 328 beside it. 328 in bold, telling me the number of unread emails.

With shaky hands and even shakier breathing, I clicked on the folder. All 328 emails stared back at me, with Lyle's name on all of them, each with a different subject line, all pertaining to me, or the kids, or even saying quarterly update.

Lyle had been keeping in contact with Brian this entire time, and he never told me once.

My eyes watered instantly. The pounding of my heart rang in my ears as I clicked on the oldest email in the folder, sent the day after our wedding. I know I shouldn't be clicking it, shouldn't even be in Brian's email. But seeing it — noticing the date — I couldn't help myself.

The loud click of the mouse echoed in the otherwise silent room, the only sound besides the pounding of my racing heart. Tears streamed down my face as the barely healing wound in my heart reopened so viciously it felt as if someone had sliced into it with a searing knife.

You Asshole

Lyle Foster

3/1/06

She waited for you yesterday. She kept looking for you through the courthouse, swearing up and down that you would show despite what you said. Her words to me were that you would never let her down.

You broke her heart, Brian. She cried for hours. How fucking could you?

You blocked us? Really?!

What is going on with you? Be an adult, Brian! Talk to us!

I don't know what you were thinking, but you better make this up to her! She didn't deserve that from you.

What did you even say to her that day? She's been so closed off, and now it's gotten worse, like yesterday sealed your fates.

She's not okay, and if you don't get your head out of your ass soon, you won't be okay either.

Dammit, Brian! How am I supposed to defend you when you do shit like this?

My heart was at my throat, choking me on my own emotions. He'd been emailing him this whole time. All these years, my dear husband was trying to mend Brian and me, and I was none the wiser. Obviously Brian knew Lyle was emailing him. He had his own damn folder. Why did he never open any of them?

I scrolled, and scrolled, seeing the hundreds of emails and their subject lines. Some even had attachments, pictures of some sort. I was never great at avoiding temptation…at getting myself out of its way. So of course, I couldn't help but click on another one.

You're an uncle

Lyle Foster

12/31/07

Happy almost new year, buddy. You get to start off the year as an uncle, and Liz and I as sleep-deprived humans.

Brian, I don't think I've ever been so in love. We made her, man. Liz and I made a whole other human, and it's so surreal! I can't even explain it. She's so perfect!

Look, if I ever go to jail for murder, know that it was probably for her. My baby girl is my world now. Her and Liz, you know, and you, whenever you're ready to start talking to us again.

Brian, you should have seen our girl. Liz rocked it! My wife pushed our baby girl out like it was nothing…well, maybe not nothing. She may have cursed the world, me, and a few nurses but in the end, she got it done.

You would have laughed.

Anyway, here's to a new year. Hopefully one with you in it. We miss you, buddy. Now look at my baby girl and tell me how perfect she is.

Lyle Foster

Attached was a picture of Lily as a newborn over my bare chest. I looked like complete shit, but I was looking at her like the absolute treasure she was. This was Lyle's favorite picture of us. He said he could feel the love every time he looked at this picture. It was framed in the hall for years because of it.

I was sobbing now, silently letting the tears drop. They hit Brian's desk, pooling into a small puddle. Still, I couldn't stop, clicking on another one. The most recent one of the bunch…three days before he died.

Quarterly Update

Lyle Foster

03/03/2023

Work sucks. Have I said that lately? *laughing emoji*

The kids are doing great. Lily is so smart, Brian, like genius-level smart. She's going to do so much in this life, I just know it. And Milo, God, Milo is the most compassionate little boy on this planet. I have never met someone as caring as him. I think he gets it from his mother.

Liz almost mentioned you yesterday. She caught herself before she said your name, but it was there. I know it! If you would both just stop being so stubborn, we could finally go back to being the three amigos.

We miss you, man. I hope you're doing well. I hope you've found someone and have started your own family. I hope that you're as happy as we are, because anything less would kill me. You deserve all the happiness on this planet for keeping Liz from hurting herself back then. I had no idea, Brian. None.

You saved her, and for that, I'll always be grateful. Because of you, I have gotten to live my best life, to have this wonderful family full of happy memories.

So thank you, Brian. Thank you for being you. I hope the world hasn't taken that kindness from you. Thanks for being my first real best friend.

Your old buddy,

Lyle.

P.S. I hope you're actually reading these. If not, it's at least therapeutic for me. It helps alleviate some of this pressure from my chest.

The sound of grinding gears and screeching brakes had me jumping out of the chair and running out of the room. I rubbed at my eyes, trying to stop my tears and seem as composed as ever. Needing an excuse to have pink eyes, I grabbed a pickle from Brian's fridge, eating it halfway as I made my way to the door.

Brian's eyes were huge, fear still stuck in them. Lil's driving must have been disastrous. Brian's brows pinched in concern as he studied me, seeing clear signs of a sob fest.

"What happened?" His voice was strong, steeled, and would normally ease my sadness, but right now I was too irritated with him. How could he have ignored Lyle like that all these years? Why didn't he tell me about these emails?

"Oh, nothing. Just got some pickle juice in my eye. I'm fine."

I pushed past him, not wanting to spend another minute here. Going straight for Lily, I wrapped my arm around her shoulders and pulled her close.

"How was it?" I asked her as cheerfully as possible. She also stared at me with worry, possibly not buying my pickle story.

"Only you could get pickle juice in your eye."

"What can I say? I'm just a special kind of special."

She shook her head but gave me a little laugh. Thankfully, I was clumsy enough to pull this lie off.

"You certainly are." She squeezed my waist as she side-hugged me, walking in stride with me towards the car. I could feel Brian lingering, wondering what was going on. Maybe he thought we would stay for a bit after, and originally I had planned to, but not anymore. "Driving was good. Brian is a good teacher."

"I am glad. Are you ready to go back home? Elle has a scary movie and popcorn waiting."

"Oh, uh…" She looked over my shoulder at Brian, probably feeling it was rude of us to leave so soon after their lesson.

"I have to go help Mason with something anyway. I'm good. Go enjoy a movie." He smiled at her, already knowing her looks. Somehow that hurt my heart even more.

How could he stand there and know so much about us all, but never read any of his emails? How could he stand there knowing that Lyle was dead and there were these pieces of him in his inbox?

He left me. Eighteen years ago, he chose to not stand at my side. He chose himself.

"Great! Let's go then." I push Lil towards the car with my hands on her shoulders, trying to get out of here and back home as soon as possible.

I was ready to blow, and I needed to stop myself from saying anything. For once, I was trying to contain myself before uttering something I'd regret. Not to mention I didn't want Lil to hear anything I had to say. She was learning to rely on Brian, and I couldn't take that from her.

Nope. I'll go home and fester instead. Maybe yell into my pillow, cry some more.

"I'll see you later?" he asked us both, but I knew that question was directed to me. Will I see you tonight?

"Eventually," I responded, slamming the truck's door a little too harshly. My hands gripped the steering wheel tight as I waited for Lily to take her seat. Then, in a hurry, I pulled out, driving down the road without a glance back.

I can't handle this.