Library

Twenty-Five

Brian

She had run off and locked herself in the bathroom, leaving the table in a dead silence. The kids stared at one another with a clear expression of concern for their mother, one I knew I needed to handle. I smiled at Milo, encouraging him to continue.

"You're doing great, bud."

"I'll go check on her." Elle said, accidentally causing the legs of her chair to scrape against the floor as she got up.

Maybe it was best that Elle looked after Lizzie. Perhaps this would be something that she wouldn't want to share with me. I knew she would have a hard time today, but I had hoped she would talk to me about it. Even though we spent the entire day together, she never said a word about Lyle or how she was feeling.

Maybe I should have pressed her about it.

"I'll help Milo finish carving the turkey. You go check on her, too," Mason offered, already taking his spot on the other side of Lyle's son.

"Are you okay with that?" I asked Milo, not wanting to leave him in an even more uncomfortable situation.

"That's fine. Just please make sure Mom is okay." His large eyes held mine, asking for a promise I wasn't sure I could keep, but I'd try anyway.

I nodded, heading after Elle down the hall to the bathroom. When we reached the door, Elle was going to knock, but I stopped her, grabbing her wrist in the air with my finger pressed over my lips to keep her quiet. I pointed to my ear and then the door, signaling her to listen as it sounded like Lizzie was talking to someone.

"This isn't helpful." My ears picked up her voice easily, wondering if she was just talking to herself or if maybe she had called someone. "You're not real. You're not actually here."

Elle and I looked at one another in wonder, confused by the words we were hearing her say. There was a pause as she stopped speaking for a few seconds, but then she started back up again.

"This is killing me. You're killing me. I need you and you're gone." She paused for a couple seconds again before she continued. "No, Lyle. You're not with me."

Elle knocked at that very moment, an enormous apprehension forming inside each of us. The door knob shook before the door slowly opened, revealing Lizzie had been crying — was still crying — but trying hard to stop it as she wiped at the remaining tears.

"Sorry." She tried to smile…to nervously laugh off her depression. "Stupid holiday got the better of me."

Knowing now was not the time to talk about it, I decided to ease her mood and play along. "Turkey-1, Lizzie-0." I held a finger up in one hand and made a fist with the other, seeing her give me a small smile.

"I will win at the end, because that turkey will be deep in my belly."

I gave her a smile back, one I hoped seemed genuine and without worry. She didn't say anything, or make a face, so I believed she was buying it. Elle grabbed her by the wrists and pulled her close into a tight embrace.

"Maybe I shouldn't have had a big dinner," she whispered to her sister with guilt. "I'm sorry, Liz. I got so excited that I didn't stop to think about how it would make you feel."

"Don't be silly, Elle. I love food the most, remember? So all you did, or are going to do, is make my stomach happy." Lizzie grabbed Elle's arms, pulling back from their hug. "How about we go eat some of that food? Maybe make sure that Milo didn't hurt himself…or someone else?"

Elle nodded, wiping at her own tears. Lizzie led the way, as if she was the one checking on us and not the other way around. She took her seat with Elle and I following suit. There was an awkward silence as we sat, but thankfully Zayden shined at these moments.

"How's the saying go? All I remember is good God let's eat," he randomly blurted, getting the latter half of it correct.

"Good food," Lil smiled as she said it.

"Good meat," Milo added, a giant smirk on his face.

"Good God, let's eat," Liz finished. "That was about as close to a prayer as Lyle and I would get before eating," she explained.

Of course you did, Lyle.

We all dug in, passing the food around until everyone had what they wanted on their plates. They were stacked full and emptied rather quickly, yet we all stayed at the table even after we finished our food. We were all enjoying each other's company, hearing Mason tell us about his past family Thanksgivings. Milo and Lil would jump in with memories of their dad, but they didn't seem sad about them as they recounted the events.

Seeing them be able to talk about him without feeling that grief — that sadness — told me they were healing, too. It made me happy to see them be able to reminisce about their father. I did, however, notice that Lizzie hadn't said a word. Her gaze was vacant as she stared at a dinner roll at the center of the table, lost in her own world. She wasn't present in this conversation and it was glaringly obvious. To keep her kids from noticing, I elbowed her arm as a jolt to get her out of her head. She seemed to come out of wherever she'd been as she looked at her children with a smile on her face.

"Last year he dressed in a giant turkey costume and danced around us until we were so annoyed we were actually getting mad," Lil recounted with a laugh.

"I remember the dance!" Milo shouted happily, suddenly standing on his chair and doing the chicken dance. We all laughed, except Lizzie, who only gave a large smile that I could see wasn't the most genuine. Elle seemed to catch sight of that too as we exchanged worried glances once more.

She clapped her hands together in one loud singular sound to catch everyone's attention. "Time to move this party to the couch for the game. Let's go!"

Elle gave me one final look that I knew meant ‘talk to her,' as she urged everyone out of the dining room. Lizzie got up too, but I grabbed her wrist as she passed by me, pulling her in the other direction. She didn't protest, following me without a word until we were outside on the porch. I let her wrist go as I closed the front door behind us, seeing her immediately sit on the swing. I took the spot beside her, trying to find the right words to say, but coming to the conclusion I wouldn't be able to.

**Song Suggestion: Already Gone by Sleeping at Last**

"I'm sorry. I know I am being such a bummer right now. It's like I can't shake this sadness off. I thought I was fine, because I was for most of the day, but then seeing Milo carve the turkey with you — it hit me hard and it hasn't left me since."

Absolute guilt filled me, not having considered whether it was something Lyle normally did with Milo or not. "I am so sorry, Lizzie. I didn't think before I offered."

"Don't be sorry, Brian. You really didn't do anything wrong. It's just crazy how something so small can trigger me so deeply." Her eyes held the expanse of the night sky as she stared out, not meeting my gaze.

She was beautiful, always had been and always would be. I could be blind and still feel her beauty, because it wasn't just physical. Lizzie was beautiful in all the ways someone could be, inside and out. She didn't deserve to have this happen to her, to lose her husband and be left to grieve while raising her kids. It's hard enough to deal with your own grief, let alone deal with someone else's. I really had no idea how she was holding together so well.

"I get that." I sighed, now staring out at the small star that flickered like the flame of an extinguishing candle.

"With Sam?"

"With Sam, my mom, and now even my dad. I didn't think I'd miss that asshole, but I do."

It dug deep in my chest how terribly I treated him all my life for the mistake he made when Mom was dying. At that age, it was hard to forgive him, and I wanted someone to blame for what happened to her. I never let myself move past it, not until it was too late, and all I was left with was the feeling of regret. There were so many years I missed out on having him as a father because of my own stubbornness.

"Of course you miss him. You're you." She took my hand, locking her fingers with my own and staring down at them as if it was the only thing keeping her in this moment. "Do you ever see them?"

The question caught me off guard, unsure of what exactly she meant. "Sometimes I think I see Sam. It's only for a brief second until the person turns around and reminds me I will never see her again."

"I mean like do you ever see her face? Or your mom's, for that matter?"

There was something she wasn't saying, something she was trying to get at that I couldn't figure out. "No, not their faces. Why? Have you seen Lyle's?" I flashed back to what I heard her say in the bathroom. It sounded as though she was having a conversation with Lyle himself.

"I see his face, his body, his smile. I see it all. He's like a ghost, Brian." She squeezed my hand as if she needed the added pressure to say whatever was coming next. "He even talks to me, and I…talk back. It started at his funeral, and it hasn't stopped. Although, you make it happen less. When you're around, he vanishes, and I hate to say it, but it's a relief." She paused for a moment, meeting my eyes for the first time since she started this conversation. "He haunts me."

The words were heavy, showing how deeply broken she was. I thought I understood how depressed she'd been, but I was wrong. So very wrong. I was silent while I processed what she was telling me, trying to understand exactly what she meant. Was she seeing things? Did I need to be worried about her mental state? My silence was not what Lizzie wanted as she pulled away, standing up to lean over the white railing in front of us.

"I shouldn't have said anything. Just forget it." She shook her head, her shoulders so high they almost touched her ears as she looked down at the flower bed beneath.

I got lightheaded from the speed in which I stood to get to her, approaching her from behind. My arms wrapped around her naturally, resting my chin on the crook of her neck. Whatever was happening, I could worry about it later. Right now, she needed me to be there for her. I was concerned as hell about her and what she'd just revealed, not to mention I had too many questions just festering, wanting to escape my lips.

"I will never forget anything you say, Lizzie. I'm here for whatever you need. Tell me about it. Tell me about him," I whispered, giving her a light squeeze around her waist where my arms rested. She needed to know I was here, that I wasn't going anywhere again. I should have never left to begin with. We wouldn't have missed eighteen years of our lives together if I would have been man enough to stay her friend. I was selfish, trying to keep the pain away rather than swallowing it down for her sake…for the sake of our friendship.

"You don't think I'm crazy?" She turned to look at me, a spark of hope in those golden-flecked eyes.

Normally, I would joke with her, but something told me she wouldn't take it well if I did that now. Instead I answered her with "never."

At my response she fell further into me, melting into my arms as she leaned against me. "I don't know what to say exactly."

"Can I ask you questions about it?" I wanted to understand, to see what help I needed to offer her.

"Um, yeah. Okay." She sounded wary as she answered, but she trusted me enough to allow me the freedom to ask her what I needed to.

"Can you touch him?"

"No, but I can feel him. It's kind of hard to explain. Like I know he's not real. He just evokes memories, and it's like I can almost feel him touching me, feel his breath on me, his hands on my skin, his lips on mine." She sighed, squeezing my forearms with her hands, like she was worried I'd run off.

"Was he in the bathroom with you?"

"Yes." Her voice cracked at her admittance, tears glistening in her eyes as she looked up at me.

"Does it make you feel better when he's there?"

"Not really, no. At first it did. It was like I hadn't fully lost him, but the more he appeared, the more I realized how much I was missing him, how much I wished he was really here. Now, it's like torture. I know it's not him, that it's only my mind trying to cope, and it hurts so much." She cried again, burying her face into my chest.

I held her close, stopping my questions to give her the chance to let it all out. She was drowning in Lyle, and there was no way she was going to be able to breathe again until she got rid of his ghost. Whatever it takes, I'll find a way to make that happen.

"I'm here, Lizzie. I got you." I rubbed her back, soothing her as she continued to sob. Her tears permeated the fabric of my shirt, leaving a wet spot over my chest. It felt as if my heart was crying along with her. "I wish I would have been at your side sooner." Maybe then her mind wouldn't have conjured up her dead husband.

"Me too."

Her admittance killed me, knowing she felt the same way. Had she longed for me to be at her side? Did she need her best friend to talk to and I made it impossible for her to do so? I couldn't help but to flash back to the moment I cut our ties to each other, wishing I could take it all back.

18 Years ago

Lyle

We're getting married.

No news had ever torn me open, made me bleed so deeply like this. There was only one other time, and it was the day my dad told me Mom had passed. It felt as if this were the final nail on the coffin for Lizzie and I. There would be no happy ending for us, and I needed to accept that fully. Lyle had her and he wasn't going to let her go, ever. Unlike me, he knew how to act on his feelings. He realized how special Lizzie was and he took his chance. Something I never had the guts to do.

Brian

What do you mean?

Lyle

We're eloping. Come back from Florida on the 28th. She wants to do it on a short month.

Lyle

I think it's cause she's worried she'll forget the date XD

That sounded like her, but he couldn't be serious. My blood boiled as I leaned forward off the edge of my bed. I would be in Basic Combat Training by then, but even if I could take off for their wedding, I wouldn't want to.

Brian

Elope? Are you serious?

Lyle

As she says "I'm super cereal"

Brian

Don't do it. She deserves better than some courthouse wedding.

Lyle

Yeah, you're not wrong. But this is what we're left with. What she really deserves is to have her best friend there.

Brian

She deserves a lot of things that it seems she isn't getting.

I slammed the small screen of my phone down on the bed, wanting to scream. She couldn't marry him, not like this. Lizzie deserved an actual wedding, one with her family and close friends. I knew there wouldn't be many people, but even a small wedding would be better than an elopement.

Elle is going to kill her.

I'd always pictured what our wedding day would look like. It changed as often as she did, adjusting to her styles over the years. Recently. I would imagine it by the large boulder I never got the chance to show her. We'd have two wooden benches, one for Elle and one for my dad, because that was all we ever needed. She'd come down from the trail in a black, long, lacey dress and black converse with a bouquet of dark red roses.

The reminder of my fantasy hurt too much, pulling at the pain in my hollowed chest, my heart having long since disappeared. Trying not to seem like a little shit in front of my current roommates, I closed the door to my room, inhaling deeply, as I exhaled away the pain. I pretended that, with each breath out, I would blow more of my sadness away. The panic slowly started to fade as I focused solely on the rise and fall of my chest. I was almost calm when my phone vibrated again.

Lyle

What's that supposed to mean?

I left it alone, not feeling the need to explain myself. In fact, I didn't want to see anything that had to do with either of them right now. I can't take this anymore. My hand was squeezing the phone so tight, I could hear the plastic strain beneath the pressure. Suddenly, her name was flashing on my screen with her assigned ringtone. My heart was pounding so hard as I answered that at first, that's all I could hear.

"You're coming right?" she immediately asked, not even giving me a chance to greet her.

"Lizzie, I—"

"Don't say no. I need you there, Bry."

Her voice was breaking, like she'd cry if I told her I wouldn't be by her side. But she chose who to have next to her without even noticing. She couldn't have us both, but she didn't know that. Hell, I didn't even know that, not until she chose him.

"You need to not get married." The words left me before I could stop them, a harshness laced in my voice. I flinched at my tone, trying to release some of this pent-up anger by opening and closing my hand repeatedly.

"Why not?"

"Because, Lizzie, you're still young! You deserve to have an actual wedding, to have people you love around you, and —"

"Exactly! To have people I love around me. I love you, Brian. So be here, please!" I could hear the desperate plea in her voice. The need to have me there was torturing her inside. It was killing me to know I would be causing her pain, but I needed to do this. If I was ever to get over Elizabeth Wallace, I needed to cut her out of my life.

"I can't, Lizzie. If you go through with this wedding, I can't be your friend anymore." The words felt like toxic waste as they hung off my tongue. I wanted to hurl, to take them back the very second they left my mouth, but I didn't. I held onto my resolve and swallowed it all down. Maybe this was it. Maybe with an ultimatum she would choose me, come back to me.

"You can't be serious!" I could hear the hurt in her voice, but it wasn't just that. It was anger, and any time Lizzie was angry, she tended to lean into that rage.

"I am. Choose, Lizzie. This wedding, or your best friend." Silence hung between us as she thought, at least that was what I hoped she was doing.

"You're an asshole, Brian Walker. You're supposed to be my best friend! You're supposed to be excited and happy for me, not…this. Tell me this is just some stupid punked shit and that you're only playing."

"I'm not. I can't see you tie your life to him — to marry him."

"Because I'm too young? That's some bull excuse and you know it! Brian, if you don't show up, I swear I'll never speak to you again!" I could hear the tears in her throat, no matter how much she tried to hide them, I could hear it.

"Then it was nice knowing you, Lizzie."

My stomach felt like it'd been tied into a pretzel and pulled so tight it'd break apart. Blood dripped from my palm as I'd dug my nails so deep into it that I broke the skin. The pain was miniscule compared to what I was feeling inside. I was killing our friendship, a friendship I'd grown to depend on. I was killing us — ending it for good — and I wasn't sure I would actually survive doing this.

"Don't call me that!" she snapped. "Only my best friend can call me that."

She took her nickname back, officially stripping me of my title. "Goodbye, Elizabeth. Nice to know where I stood."

In not so many words, she'd chosen Lyle, even knowing she'd lose me. It was all pointless now. Everything was. Was this how she would feel when she would fall in the depths of her depression? It's lonely here.

"Fuck you, Brian."

Those were her last words to me before hanging up, leaving me to wallow in my poor choices…in my regrets. I blocked Lyle's number first, not wanting to hear what he had to say after that phone call. My finger hovered over the key as I looked at Lizzie's contact. I knew I needed to do it, but it was harder than saying the words to her. It would make it official.

Tears fell from my eyes, landing on the screen as I hit the button. This was goodbye forever.

Comments

0 Comments
Best Newest

Contents
Settings
  • T
  • T
  • T
  • T
Font

Welcome to FullEpub

Create or log into your account to access terrific novels and protect your data

Don’t Have an account?
Click above to create an account.

lf you continue, you are agreeing to the
Terms Of Use and Privacy Policy.