Fifteen

Liz

My heart thudded as my mind whirled, panicking over my stupidity. I shouldn't have said anything. I was ready to take the words back, to come up with some lie that would make it all seem like a terrible joke. But then the feel of Brian's lips on my neck once more sent my heart soaring. At that moment, my mind decided to remember I had only ever been with one man…Lyle. My sole experience with sex was with him. He knew how I liked it, knowing my body so well after so many years.

My stupid brain decided now was the best time to make me hyper aware of every imperfection in my body. I was half tempted to say ‘wait, never mind,' but then his pelvis pressed against my ass again and I forgot how to speak.

"Is it really okay for me to do this?" he asked, and I found myself nodding my head. "I need you to say it, Lizzie. Because if you can't voice it, then you aren't ready. And I am most definitely not going to take advantage of you."

His movements stilled as he waited for me to answer, meaning every word of what he said.

"Brian, I want you to be the one. You would have been the first, but we missed that chance." Not that I was complaining. I loved every minute with Lyle…that's the problem. "So you can be my first in a different way. That is, if you're okay with it? Know that I've only ever slept with Lyle, so that is all my sexual experience. Not sure if that makes me an expert or leaves me lacking."

Brian chuckled, letting my hand go and pulling the collar of my shirt down just enough to kiss the bare skin of my shoulder. I inhaled deeply once more, feeling the arousal pool in my stomach.

"I am honored to be that guy for you, Lizzie. Please tell me if I do anything wrong or anything you're uncomfortable with."

"Oh. I will!"

I've never been too shy to say what I want once things get going, but that was with Lyle. We would see if I was the same way or if I was just like that with my husband.

Brian trailed warm kisses from my shoulder up to my neck until he reached my earlobe, sucking on it for just a second. The action left goosebumps erupting down my arm, and a surge of excitement to course through my body. His hand found its way around me, grabbing me under the jaw and turning me to face him more. His lips met mine over my shoulder, bursting the floodgates inside me.

It sent a searing heat running through my body, waking every part of me. His lips were strong, yet soft enough for me to melt into. It was a moment I had imagined many times, but clearly never got right. My imagination did not do Brian justice.

When he pulled away, I found myself trying to follow, needing more. Cracking my eyes open, I noticed him staring intensely at me, almost as if he was trying to memorize this moment down to the very last detail. Before I could ask if something was wrong, his lips were against my skin.

Every deep breath I took filled me further with need, a need I felt would explode out of me if not met soon. The feel of Brian's warm tongue running across the delicate skin of my neck elicited a low whimper from me. Laying fully on my back, I pulled on Brian's shirt, bringing him closer as his tongue entered my mouth.

His rough hand rubbed against the exposed skin of my thigh, softly massaging the area in gentle squeezes. My hand only clutched onto the collar of his shirt harder, needing to be completely consumed. I wanted to forget everything else, pretend the outside world didn't exist, and just enjoy this moment with him. Younger me wanted to pretend this was happening back then and not now, eighteen years and a dead husband later.

Brian pulled away again, breaking from my now-puffy lips to help take off the shirt he lent me. His eyes remained on my own as he slipped the fabric over my head, sending a quivering need between my legs. He pulled his own shirt off with one hand while the other ran over the smooth skin of my stomach.

Damn mom pooch.

"God. Lizzie, you're even more beautiful than I imagined."

Oh, sweet baby Jesus! Be still my heart.

His hands explored my torso as his lips kissed all along my body. It wasn't until his hands wedged themselves between the mattress and my back that I realized he was trying to take off my bra. With a pounding heart, I lifted myself up, allowing him more room to do so. With one hand, he managed to unclasp the band, slowly pulling the strap off my shoulder. His fingers grazed my skin down my arm as he took it off, flinging it across the room without a second thought.

His tongue found my erect nipple within seconds, flicking over it in a way that made me mewl like an animal beneath him. When he was done playing with my hardened bud, he used his hands to massage my large mounds. His tongue ran across my pale skin, peering at me over the hills of my breasts. His hot mouth found my other nipple, sucking on it until I was quietly crying out.

"Bry, please…" I moaned, unable to hold back anymore. "Seven months, Brian. It's been seven months."

He chuckled, pulling away from me with the fucking sexiest smirk. "Lizzie, I've been waiting for this moment for over twenty years. Let me enjoy you."

That shut me up real quick, filling my heart with a fierce warmth. I allowed him to continue exploring my body, all the while grinding my hips against his boxers over his thigh. After he had left his mark on each breast, his hands traveled to my silky panties, sliding them off along with a graze of his fingertips.

He groaned in approval as he studied me, making me blush under his gaze. He was the only other man to see me naked, fueling me with uncertainty as he stayed staring at me a moment longer. His hands ran down my thighs, meeting the area that was screaming for him to enter. As if he could hear my pussy's plea, his finger slipped between my wet lips.

A whispered moan left me, my back arching as his finger entered, toying with me. His digit swept over the walls of my pussy teasingly, as he didn't go very deep. My hips bucked, sliding down in hopes of getting him to go further in, but he didn't oblige. It was as if he liked seeing me squirm in need, in absolute hunger for him to be buried deep.

Deciding I was done being patient, I propped myself on my elbows, meeting his gaze. "Brian, if you don't get to it soon, I'm going to lose my damn mind. I think you've had plenty of time now."

He only let out another chuckle, getting off the bed, to my horror. My heart stopped for a moment, only starting once again when I saw him taking his boxers off. His dick was standing tall, hard with the want he felt for me. He lingered there longer than needed as he was now in the same state as me — fully naked — but yet he didn't move.

"I don't have a condom," he admitted with wide eyes.

"My tubes are tied. I've only ever slept with Lyle, and neither of us had any STIs or STDs or whatever you want to call them. We're fine as long as you're clean."

We had gotten so far already, there was no way I would be okay if we had to stop. With a nod, he climbed back onto the bed, the head of his erection poking at my entrance as he adjusted himself between my legs. "I'm no saint, Lizzie, but I am clean."

With that, he entered me in one quick, hard thrust, no gentleness about it. It was exactly what I wanted, filling me up inside the way no sex toy could. With a grunt of pleasure from his lips, I swayed my hips against him, stirring up his movements inside me. My hands sprawled out on either side, gripping the sheets as pleasure ran through me.

It felt — at the risk of sounding corny — magical, as if it was always meant to be. He grabbed the backs of my thighs as he sat up, sliding me onto his lap with a deep thrust. I cried out a little too loud, leading to Brian's hand covering my mouth with a smirk. My eyes were closed, but I was seeing stars as he built up my incoming orgasm.

"Oh, fuck! Oh, God!" I groaned out against his hand as my body seized, reaching the ultimate high. It took over every inch of my body, seizing me in the most delightful of ways.

It was obvious Brian wasn't done, as he continued to pound into me, playing with my nipples despite their sensitive state after. He was trying to keep me going, trying to keep this going, which I was totally fine with.

I was in for a night. Thank God!

The sun in my eyes woke me with a groan, feeling I didn't get enough sleep last night. It was hard, considering the way Brian railed into me last night. I hadn't felt so satisfied in quite a while. It was different from Lyle, but not in a bad way. I wasn't really sure how to explain it, but it was as if my soul was connecting to his.

There's always been this string-fate theory, where people believe we're tied by an invisible red string. It ties us to a person we are destined to be with. I was beginning to embrace the idea that Brian may be tied to the other end of my string. Maybe it was always meant to be this way. Maybe I was meant to have Lyle as a great love, but Brian as my final one.

"Mmm. Good morning, beautiful," he whispered as he woke behind me, squeezing the breast he fell asleep holding.

"Good morning," I lightly giggled, turning to face him. I was immediately given a soft kiss, one that fluttered my heart again.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, staring deep into my eyes. I could see the worry in them, appearing more blue than gray today.

"Exhausted, but really good."

Surprisingly enough, guilt wasn't eating away at me like I thought it would. More than likely it was because I was still in this blissful state after having my needs more than met.

I only hope the guilt doesn't find me later.

"You don't regret it, do you?" I better understood the look in his eyes at hearing his words of insecurity.

"Not at all!" I rested my hand against his cheek, feeling the sandy stubble scrape against my palm. "Thank you for last night. It was—" I failed to think of the right word, biting my lip as I tried to find it.

"It was so good you will never be the same?" he offered playfully, making me giggle yet again.

"I wouldn't go that far," I bantered, unable to keep my lips from stretching into a playful smirk. He chuckled, wrapping his arm around my waist and pulling me close.

"I would." He kissed me again, relinquishing a happy moan from me. "I'll never be the same after last night, Lizzie. You're everything I imagined you would be and more. There's no turning back for me. You're it. You always have been. But don't worry. I'll be waiting until you're ready."

I couldn't speak, having all the air stolen from my lungs at his words. How does he do that? How does he always manage to say something that takes my breath away, something that I needed to hear without even knowing it?

"We better get dressed, and I better sneak out before the Saturday festivities begin. I'll be at the shop working on our booth for this year. You're welcome to stop by. Otherwise, I'll see you at work Monday," he informed me, already pulling away. I missed his warmth almost immediately, pouting as I watched him get dressed.

"Are you not coming back tonight?"

"Do you want me to?" he asked as he bounced, pulling his pants over his hips. His eyes met mine as he zipped up his fly and buttoned his pants.

God, he's so handsome.

"Of course. But I'll let you know if anything changes. Like if a small child ends up in my bed."

"Sounds good to me." He smiled at me as he pulled his shirt on, covering the tattoo I noticed last night but didn't get a chance to fully examine. It was a circle over his right pectoral muscle filled with millions of different colored doodles inside. They were so small it was hard to see them well. I'd have to remember to look at it better later.

"Okay then. See you tonight."

"Later Gator." He leaned over, giving me yet another kiss before he grabbed his shoes and slipped out of my window. I fell back on my pillow, smiling like a giddy teenager as I stared at the ceiling.

"Ouch, sweets. Did you enjoy him that much more?" Lyle's voice burst my blissful bubble instantly, filling me to the brim with the guilt I had hoped would never come.

"Don't ask me that." I got off the bed, grabbing clothes from the dresser my mind decided to make him lean against.

"He sure enjoyed himself, and I think you did, too. Nice to know I'm so easy to replace." His eyes bore into mine like heavy weights on my soul.

"Of course you're not. Why do you think I keep conjuring you up? I miss you. I miss you like crazy, but…you're dead." I slammed my drawers shut by mistake, flinching at the sound as the whisper of those last words hung in the air. Dressing beside his ghost, I let him fester — let my mind let him fester.

"If I'm not so easy to replace, why'd you sleep with him so soon?"

"Because I still have needs." That was a cheap excuse and not the real reason. He knew that. I knew that.

"Bullshit, sweets."

"Just leave me alone!" I yelled too loudly, making my way to the bathroom to brush my teeth.

"You're the one that conjured me. Why did you do it if you didn't want me around?"

Rather than answer, I shoved my toothbrush in my mouth, taking extra care of each tooth to drag the action out longer. Unlike before, he stuck around, eyeing my reflection in the mirror. I made him too real…too him. Ducking down, I spit into the sink, rinsing my mouth and turning to find him still staring at me.

"You're just a figment of my imagination. Something my mind conjured up. You're not real. You left me…you left me all alone and broken. So God damn broken." I walked through him as if to prove my point, hurting my soul in the process.

"I'm not something your mind conjured up, sweets."

I froze, turning slowly to meet his eyes again. He's not actually a ghost…right? Like I haven't fully, fully lost my mind?

"What do you mean?"

"I don't come from your mind, Liz. I come from your heart. From its whispers of need — of longing. Your heart is what is craving me, not your mind."

"A whisper of my heart?"

"Don't you know? I will always be inside your heart, living, waiting, listening."

"Nothing will ever get you out, Lyle. But I can't keep living like this."

"I know. I can feel it. You're starting to move on. Just don't forget me when you do, sweets. You'll always be my rebel girl."

He disappeared like smoke blown away by the wind, leaving me a mess, falling to my knees beside my bed. I sobbed a great big ugly cry, screaming into my mattress in frustration.

I just want to be okay again. I want to wake up and have this all be a long, terrible nightmare.

I had to collect myself quickly as I heard the light trotting of Milo's feet running down the hall. It was time for cereal and Saturday cartoons. It was our tradition when it was just him and me. Lil would return this evening, or so she texted me. I hurriedly wiped my tears away, standing to give the appearance that I was completely fine, when in fact I was shattering.

"Mom?" Milo's little voice called from the other side of the door.

"Coming."

I opened it to see Milo's sweet smile, able to heal anyone's heart much the same way Lyle's could. It was bright and always full of infectious happiness. I shook his curls with my hand, smiling back at my boy. Our boy.

"Are you ready?" he asked excitedly, bouncing from one foot to the other.

"Ready." I nodded. "Are we feeling chocolate, marshmallow, or a fruity kind of cereal?"

"Marshmallows!"

"I thought so."

We hurried downstairs, finding Elle already awake, steam billowing from the coffee mug in her hand. She peered at me over the rim of her glass with a knowing expression. Milo went to the living room, turning the tv on and finding our shows as I started on our quick breakfast. Elle stood beside me, leaning her hip against the counter while staring at the side of my face.

"What?"

"Was that Brian I saw scaling our roof last night?" she asked, taking a sip of her coffee like she already knew the answer.

I averted my eyes, focusing on pouring the milk into Milo's bowl as if it needed all my attention to do so. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Mhm." She had that ‘I know what you did last night and you can't fool me' tone in her hum.

"Oh, shut up." I rolled my eyes, leaning into her with my shoulder. "I'll tell you later."

She arched her left brow as I finally met her gaze, a gleam of excitement in them. "Great. I'll tell you what happened with Lane when you tell me what happened with Brian."

"Something happened with Lane?!" I yelled after her as she rapidly walked away, leaving me in suspense.

I hate when she does that.