Eleven

Liz

My heart was pounding as we reached the tree house, hoping to all that was holy that my kids would forgive me. I certainly couldn't forgive myself. I had forgotten his birthday. Not even a year without him and I was already forgetting things about him.

"Where are we?" Lil asked, skeptical as always, but finally breaking her silent treatment.

"Your dad's favorite spot."

Her eyes widened as she looked around, admiring the area with a new perspective. Milo, holding her hand instead of mine, did the same. It sure stung when I held my hand out for him to take and he bypassed it to get to his sister. The rejection of my youngest was as painful as being run over by a bulldozer.

"Is it safe to come up?" I yelled when we got to the tree, seeing the ladder hanging off the tree house. It appeared sturdy enough.

"Come on up. It's safe and sound." Brian's face appeared from the small square entrance on the floor. He was smiling brightly, but I could see the pain in his eyes. His jaw was tense, filled with anger, but why? I had no idea.

"Woah. It's a treehouse!" Milo pointed excitedly as he looked up, jumping beside Lil, who seemed unsure of it all.

"This was Dad's favorite spot?" She arched her brow as if she was unsure whether or not I was telling her the truth.

"Hard to believe. I know."

"Me first!" Milo yelled, climbing up the ladder in a hurry. Lil sighed, but followed shortly after.

Afraid my fat ass would break the ladder, I waited for them to make it up before I started my ascent. My heart lurched in my throat as I took in the familiar space, seeing his scribbled name on the wall beside my own. Milo was already digging into the comics that were once Brian's.

Lil regarded the room, running her hand over her father's name. Her hand fisted over it for a second before opening up again. Those green eyes of hers filled with tears she refused to let loose. Fighting them off, she cleared her throat, shutting her eyes tight as she quickly rubbed them with her fingers.

"What are we doing here?" she asked, turning her attention to me.

"Celebrating your dad's birthday."

"It's a little late," she snapped, slapping me right in the face with her words. It was a harsh whip against my skin.

"I know it is. I am so sorry, you guys. I swear I am not forgetting your father. I didn't realize what yesterday was, but that's no excuse."

I waited in silence, hoping one of them would say something, but neither of them did. Milo's little head hung, pretending to read the comic on his lap as he sat on the bean bag. Lil kept my gaze with her arms crossed, a clear sign of her anger.

"You know, when your dad was your age, Lil, he brought me up here for the first time." Brian changed the topic, trying to ease the tension. "I didn't trust your dad much back then, but this treehouse made me see him differently. It's honestly what opened me up to a friendship with him."

"Why didn't you trust him?" Milo furrowed his brow, not liking that one bit.

"Don't get me wrong. Your dad was a great guy. I didn't trust him because of my assumptions. He was this popular guy, loved by everyone, so why would he want to befriend the crazy kid with a mohawk?"

"You had a mohawk!" Milo beamed with excitement again. "Awesome!"

"So, why did Dad want to become your friend?" Lil asked this time, leaning against the wall as she refused to sit.

"Honestly, I think it was because of your mom. He wanted to get to know me because I was important to her."

He wasn't wrong. Lyle admitted to it later on in our relationship. After Brian disappeared from our lives, he would tell me how happy he was to have had Brian as his best friend for a couple years. It stung, not knowing why Brian left us. I knew now, and it only made it worse.

"Mom was always his favorite person." Milo whispered, hanging his head again.

God, my heart can't take much more. Is it even there anymore?

"He was mine, too. But you two became my favorite people above him, and he was okay with that," I admitted to them, needing them to know how important they were to me.

Lil scoffed, rolling her eyes. "Sure, Mom."

"How about we play some of your dad's favorite music? I found his iPod up here." Brian smiled, waving the small device in his hands. He was trying to keep Lil and I from arguing, but there was no stopping it. I could see it as clear as day.

"Everything Is Alright" by Motion City Soundtrack was the first song to play, pulling me back into a memory I had ingrained into my mind. You could call it one of Lyle's and my core memories.

21 years ago

Mom called me a bitch today and normally it wouldn't phase me, but I was on my stupid period feeling emotional as hell. Without Elle at home, everything was a million times worse. When she could be, she was my shield from Mom's emotional abuse. Since I was the stupid daughter…the worthless one.

I was too quiet during tutoring, and Lyle was quick to pick up on my mood. When the hour was up, he followed me to the parking lot. Brian was out sick today, and I swore I would stop by his house after school to make fun of him for catching a cold when it was almost summer, with just a week of sophomore year to go. Lyle wouldn't let me walk alone, offering me a ride in his navy blue Jeep.

I was now sitting in his passenger seat with my hands in my lap, feeling uncomfortable as hell. I wanted to put my feet on the chair and bang on my knees with my hands, but I didn't know him well enough to be full-on me. It wasn't until he took a left on Jackson Street that I realized he wasn't going to Brian's house.

"Um?" I turned to look at him, "You're going the wrong way."

"No, I'm not. There's just an extra stop before we get to Brian's."

He had this wide smile, reflecting the bright rays of the sun with his pearly whites. His smile brought me peace despite essentially being kidnapped right now. I watched him with curiosity as he pulled onto an off-road trail.

I see why he has a Jeep.

After a lot of bumps — with me banging my head a few too many times — we arrived at a cliffside. Lyle parked the jeep about fifteen feet from the edge. The view was stunning, seeing the expanse of the woods that traversed our small town. Tall trees in full bloom with their dark green leaves shimmered in the sun.

"What are we doing here?" I asked him, seeing him unbuckle and get down. He answered me through the open driver's side window.

"I'm cheering you up." He held his hand out through the window, palm up. "Phone please. Don't worry, you'll get it back. I just need to pick a song."

I had recently figured out how to download music onto my device, thanks to Brian. So, I didn't feel too reluctant to hand it to him, wondering what song he would choose. Would he even know any of them? He took my phone, turning the volume all the way up.

"Come sit on the hood," he instructed me as he looked through my phone. For whatever reason, I listened, climbing through the window and onto his hood. I laid down, leaning back against the windshield.

"Everything Is Alright" by Motion City Soundtrack played as Lyle placed the phone beside me on the hood.

"This is just for you, Liz. Don't tell a soul." He winked at me as he backed further into the clearing of the cliff side. He shook his hands, taking a few deep breaths as if he were nervous.

In a blink of an eye, the nervousness faded as he shook his leg like Elvis would, lip syncing to a song I couldn't imagine him listening to. He was dancing goofily, giving me an air guitar performance for a second. He ran in place, swinging his arm around in a circles. I was laughing so hard by the time he finished, seeing him run towards me.

He jumped on the hood of the car over me, leaning above me as he rested his hands on either side of my waist. His breathing was heavy from all the dancing, but those eyes pierced my soul. He hung over me for a long minute as the music changed on my phone.

"I like you, Liz. A lot! More than just as a friend. Will you let me be the person that makes you smile every day? I promise I will do my best. I mean, I did just put on a whole show for you." He winked at me with his bright smile, fluttering my heart with his confession.

I giggled, but my heart was pounding so hard I thought I would pass out. "You like me?"

"I really really do." He nodded, "What do you say? Be my girlfriend?"

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Lyle Foster had just asked me to be his girlfriend. "I thought you were with Danielle."

"I broke up with her last week. She asked me not to say anything until she had a new boyfriend. I never much liked Danielle. We only dated because my parents wanted me to. She never loved me, and honestly, neither did I."

I swallowed, fully trusting every word he said. Lyle wasn't the stereotypical jock, as Brian and I had come to learn these past few months. I breathed in his intoxicating scent, as I nodded my head.

"Are you sure you want me?"

"Very much so!" He nodded enthusiastically, causing me to giggle again.

"Okay, Lyle Foster. I will be your girlfriend."

The smile he beamed melted me like butter beneath him, while the kiss he gave me in response electrified my whole body. His lips were soft as a feather, plush and minty. His hand on my face was gentle as he cupped my cheek, brushing his thumb over my bottom lip when he pulled away.

"Sweet, like you." He smirked at me. "Let's get to Brian's house and tell him the good news."

He jumped off the Jeep, carrying me and placing me on the passenger seat with ease. He buckled me in as I sat in shock. I am Lyle Foster's girlfriend now. For the longest time I thought it would be Brian and me, but after years of nothing from him, it was time to move on. Although, I would have never guessed it would be with Lyle.

Present

I was trying so hard to catch my breath again as the memory knocked the air out of me, but it eluded me. My lungs forgot how to work, leaving me gasping as I fell to the floor. My head was spinning and my vision tunneled, spotting Lyle in the corner again. I hadn't seen his ghost since I sent him away, but now he was here again to torment me with his memory.

Brian knelt before me, placing his hands on my cheeks, holding my face firmly. I couldn't hear his words, muffled by the ringing in my ears. Milo was behind him crying, screaming, held back by Lil, whose tears were silently streaming down her face. The fear in her eyes only multiplied the panic inside me.

They can't lose me, too. Breathe, dammit! Breathe!

"Come on, Lizzie," Brian's voice registered as I focused hard. "Breathe with me. One: You got this."

I breathed with him, trying hard to not pass out in front of my kids. This was the first time I had ever had a panic attack in front of them. It was something I tried to shield them from. Any time I felt one coming up, Lyle would distract them and then come find me to help. I was certain they were freaking out now. But then Lil's voice sniffled in through her tears.

"Two: You can do this." She spoke Lyle's words as I took another breath, even though I just wanted to sob. Tears streamed down my face as I now held her eyes. Brian's hands on my cheeks helped keep my head up and let more air in.

"Three," Milo started, and my eyes widened as Lyle's ghost laughed, knowing what our youngest child was about to say. "Fuck anyone who says you can't."

It took longer than usual for me to catch my breath, as my crying made it difficult to do so. Lil and Milo surrounded me on either side, holding me tight. They cried with me, as Brian sat in front of us, hugging us all close together.

"She's going to be okay, guys. You did amazing." Brian tried to comfort my children, leaving me to nod my head in agreement.

"We're so sorry, Mom." Lil cried, clutching onto my neck the way she would when she was two.

"It's okay, baby. I am okay. I am so sorry I scared you guys."

"No, we're so sorry we gave you such a hard time. Of course you still love Dad. We know you're bad with dates. We shouldn't have said those terrible things. We just miss him."

"We all do." I nodded. "It's okay. I need to do a better job for you guys. It isn't fair that you didn't get to celebrate your dad's birthday on the actual day because of me."

"We could have done something with you instead of making you feel bad yesterday. We're sorry." This time it was Milo who was apologizing, hugging my stomach tight from the side.

"Guys, stop saying sorry. You did nothing wrong." I pulled them both back, wanting to see their eyes. "Let's make a promise right now." They nodded their heads, waiting for me to continue. "Let's promise that we won't be so hard on ourselves or each other, okay? I know you guys are dealing with so much, but I need you to know that you can come to me with that. We are working through this together even if we are processing it differently."

"I promise." Milo nodded his head, hugging me once more.

"I promise, too." Lil slammed into me and Milo, knocking us all back.

"I told you, you got this." Lyle's deep voice rang in my ear before he faded away again.