8. Ash

Chapter Eight

Ash

“ H ey, man,” I said, finding Rowan near the lake. “Where’s your honey?”

Rowan had been dating Clea, a water sprite and a part of the group of druses and sprites who spent time together. “She’s having a girls’ day or something,” Rowan said with a shrug. “I don’t know what it’s all about.” He sat back on the sand, kicking out his legs, and leaned back on one elbow. When I sat next to him, he raised his eyebrows. “To what do I owe the honor?”

I snorted. “Don’t act like I never spend time with you.”

“You don’t,” Rowan pointed out. “Not since the fifties or some bullshit like that.”

I scoffed at that, but it was true. I’d been wallowing in self-pity for a long time and spent most of it asleep in my tree unless there was a reason to wake up. “I just wanted to chill and hang out,” I finally said. “Cool.” Rowan looked out over the lake. Clea and some of the other sprites played in the water on the other side. “How are things going with you?” I asked. “Yeah, good,” Rowan said, nodding. “Normal, you know?”

I laughed. “What does that mean?”

“I don’t know… we like each other, we’re exclusive, we fuck… normal.”

“It sounds like a killer relationship,” I mocked. “What about yours?” Rowan asked. “Isn’t it pretty much the same?”

“Sure, except for the life-threatening bullshit on her part and the deadline on mine,” I pointed out. “Right, right…” Rowan eyed me sidelong. “She’s leaving soon, huh?”

“Yep.”

“You don’t seem thrilled about that.”

“Am I supposed to be?”

“I thought you’d be happy to finally be free of this shit with those guys after her, caring for her, all that lark.”

I shrugged. “I don’t mind having her around.”

Rowan sat up, his mouth open. “What?”

“You like her, I knew it!”

“You already knew that.”

“I didn’t know it was serious.”

“Did you think it was a game?” I asked. Rowan closed his mouth and considered it. “I just thought it was a fun fling, a good fuck along with all the other drama. I didn’t think you cared so much about her.”

I looked at Rowan. “What gives it away?” I asked. “Everyone keeps telling me I care a lot about her, but I can’t tell how they all know.”

Rowan shrugged. “I don’t know, it’s in the way you talk about her. She changed from being a nuisance to being someone you talk about with… I don’t know, reverence, I guess. Like she really does mean a hell of a lot to you, and the stuff you used to get irritated by, like looking after her and protecting her, doesn’t bug you anymore.”

I shook my head. “It doesn’t.”

“Because you want to do it. Because you care.”

I groaned. “I hear you.”

Rowan eyed me dubiously while I stared at the water, trying to ignore him. “So, things are looking good in paradise, huh?” Rowan asked after I ignored him for long enough that he knew I wouldn’t offer information without a question. “It’s not going to last,” I said. “No, I guess it can’t.”

Not unless you go with her?—”

“I’m not doing that,” I said, cutting Rowan off before he could even think about suggesting giving up my immortality again. “Come on, man. If she’s really that great, and you’re already looking for a way to get out of this shithole that you’re in, isn’t that the way to go?”

I glared at Rowan. “And risk getting my heart broken again?”

“The way I see it, you’re getting close to round two with the heartbreak thing, and neither of those were while you were actually mortal. I don’t think it’s that part that’s the issue.”

I pulled my lips back in a teeth-baring snarl, but Rowan wasn’t completely wrong. Damn it, he hardly ever was. “It’s not that simple,” I finally said when Rowan didn’t back down at my display of fury. “Of course it’s that simple. You just have to decide what’s more important.”

“She’s not that important.”

“Pity,” Rowan said. I frowned at him. “Why is that a pity? I thought you were the one telling me that I’m playing with fire.”

“Well, you are.”

“But you want me to go with her?”

“I just think it will be safer to give up your immortality and go with her than it will be to do whatever Dolus has in store for you.”

I shook my head. “What’s wrong with what Dolus is doing? It will be a new life, and I’ll still be immortal. Win-win.”

“Unless this new life you keep dreaming about is really drawing the short straw and you’re so eager to run away from whatever demons are chasing you that you might not see the hell you’re running toward.”

“Why would you think he has hell in store for me?”

“How do you know he doesn’t? Has he told you what to expect, where you’ll be going, what your life will be like?”

I shook my head. Dolus hadn’t told me anything, even though I’d asked more than once. “Yeah, I wouldn’t trust the guy,” Rowan said. “You were the one who suggested it!”

“I didn’t suggest you go to him. I told you to go to Hecate.”

“Because the goddess of witchcraft is better than the god of deceit?”

“At least you’ll know what you’re getting. With Dolus, who knows what his plans are?”

I shook my head again. I got what Rowan was trying to say, but it wasn’t that simple. “Hecate was busy, and Dolus wasn’t.”

“Said who?” Rowan asked. I bristled. Of course, Dolus had said that, so Rowan would insist that it was more deceit. I couldn’t tell him that it wasn’t, but it pissed me off every time he said it was. “I think I’m going to go,” I said, getting up and dusting myself off from the muddy sand we’d been sitting on. “I just wanted to hang out, not be a part of an inquisition.”

Rowan shook his head. “Sit, man, don’t fucking leave. I’m just worried about you.”

“Yeah?” I hesitated but sat down again. “Well, don’t be. It’s not like I haven’t been through shit before. I can handle whatever comes my way.”

Rowan nodded, but I wasn’t sure he believed me. We both watched the sprites playing in the water. For a moment, a pang of jealousy shot through me. If only my life and relationships had been as simple as Rowan’s. His life seemed so straightforward. Before I’d met Ava, mine had been like that, too. It just wasn’t anymore, and I didn’t know how it could ever be again. Especially now that I’d met Lorraine. Once she was gone, and I’d lost her, I would need to get the hell out of Dodge as quick as I could. If this place hadn’t been enough of a reminder of the love that had left me, it sure as shit would be a reminder now of the love I’d lost.

That was what would happen after Lorraine was gone, which meant I’d need Dolus to get that shit sorted as soon as possible. I wasn’t going to spend another three centuries pining over a woman who would never be mine. I was not giving up my immortality for her, either. “Look, I know I’m hitting all kinds of nerves and that wasn’t the idea,” Rowan said when I didn’t say anything for a while. “I know you’ve got your shit covered; you’re a big boy and you can deal with your life…”

He had a lot of faith in me if that was what he thought, because judging by how I’d handled the last three hundred years, that wasn’t entirely true. “I just want you to remember that no matter what you choose, there’s always a cost.”

“A cost?”

“Yeah. When you decide to be with one woman, you give up all the others. If you decide to be with them all, you don’t have anyone exclusive whom you can get attached to. When you gave up your immortality, you sacrificed it for love. And now, when you’re going to choose immortality instead, it will cost you Lorraine.”

My chest physically ached at the thought. “The thing is, if you give up who you are completely, which is what Dolus will ask you to do, you just better be sure that whatever you’re giving yourself up for is worth it. Everything has a price. Just be sure it’s a price you’re willing to pay.”

Rowan’s words hit me like physical punches. I’d lost so much, given up so much for things that hadn’t been worth it in return. It was why I wanted to get away from it all now. He had a point, saying that I had to know what it was all for before I did it. That was one thing I could take away from my friend without feeling like my fucking pride was wounded. “Thanks, man,” I finally said. “For what?”

“Being a good friend,” I said. “And dealing with the metric ton of shit I’ve been giving you for the last century at least. I’ve been a hell of a character to deal with.”

Rowan chuckled. “Hey, I know the real Ash, and he’s still in there somewhere. Shit happens to all of us. I just want you to get out okay on the other end.”

I nodded. “I appreciate the words of wisdom.”

“Hey, there’s more where that came from,” Rowan said and hammered his fist in dominance. I laughed and shook my head. “You can still be an asshole, though.”

“It comes with the territory,” Rowan said and grinned at me. “Seriously, just think about what I said about Lorraine. She’s not all that bad, and if you give up your immortality for her… it might not be the longest life you’ll get to live, but it will be fuller than anything you’ve had so far. Just might be a fair trade.”

“What if it doesn’t work out?” I asked. “That’s the cost you have to be willing to risk,” Rowan said. “But rather the devil you know than the devil you don’t. And by devil, I mean Dolus.”

“Yeah, yeah, I got it,” I said with a dismissive wave of my hand as I turned around to leave. Rowan was a good friend. A pain in the ass, especially when he was right, but he was a good friend nevertheless. I was lucky to have at least someone who didn’t have an agenda in my life aside from Lorraine, because these days I felt a lot like a pawn—which I didn’t like one bit. Something had to give. I just wasn’t sure exactly how to make that happen, and feeling lost and powerless pissed me off more than anything else. The last person who had made me feel lost and powerless had been Ava, and I was still, after several centuries, trying to recover from that. Was I really ready for another round?

At this point, could I stop it?