25. Lorraine

Chapter Twenty-Five

Lorraine

W hen I woke up, Ash was gone again. This happened a lot, and I hated it. I loved that he came to me at night—he never used to do that before—but it only made things so much worse when he was gone in the morning. I made coffee and breakfast and sat on the couch, eating when the door opened. Ash walked in. “Oh, you’re here,” I said, happy to see him. “I thought I wouldn’t see you until tonight.”

“I figured we could hang out,” he said. “I don’t have much to do today.”

I smiled and nodded. I was always eager to hang out with Ash. “What do you usually do during the day?” I asked. Ash sat down on the couch next to me in a huff. He was irritated about something. “I used to sleep a lot,” he said. “Then you came along, and I had to make sure it was all good around here. I have personal shit I take care of, too.”

“Like what?” I asked. Ash only shrugged. He clearly didn’t want to talk about it. I was just curious—what kind of personal shit did a drus have to deal with in a place like the vale, where the world was so different from the world I knew? I couldn’t imagine there was much to do when the enchanted beings here didn’t work every day to make a living the way humans did. Did they make homes, raise children, did they have hobbies? Maybe because time was so weird, they went about things like that differently, too. I wanted to ask, but Ash was broody and quiet. I could feel his tension from here. I didn’t even have to feel it through the bond. “How was your morning?” Ash asked me. “It was okay,” I said. “I only woke up a short while ago.”

“Hmm,” Ash said. “I’ve been wanting to talk to you about something.”

He glanced at me, his eyes guarded. “What?”

“I’ve been having dreams.”

“Okay?”

“I can’t tell if they’re real or not. I mean, if it’s something I should worry about. What do dreams mean here?”

“What do you mean, what do they mean?” Ash asked, and the double talk was almost confusing. “I mean… do dreams have a significant meaning?”

“Usually,” Ash said. “It’s a product of magic.”

I thought about that. “I’m human. I don’t have any magic.”

Ash shook his head. “No, you don’t.”

“Do you ever have dreams because you’re traumatized? Do you dream about your ex?”

Ash stiffened when I asked, and I wished I hadn’t said anything. “What about her?” Ash asked. “Just… I don’t know. Sometimes, dreams can be like memories. Your brain conjures these images because… I don’t actually know why. Does that not happen to you?”

“I haven’t dreamed about her,” Ash said tightly. “And I’d prefer shit to stay that way because I don’t want to see her again.” He was getting angry. That wasn’t what I’d meant to do at all. I didn’t want him to get worked up. “I ask because I’ve been dreaming about Oscar,” I said, trying to steer the conversation away from Ash’s ex. He narrowed his eyes. “What about him?”

“I keep dreaming that he’ll find me, but he’s in prison. Cat told me. He can’t find me… right?”

“Not with you hidden in the vale and him just human,” Ash said simply. “Yeah, that’s what I thought… maybe it’s my human brain doing what human brains do. I dream a lot about my parents, too.”

Ash only nodded without answering me. “Do you think that’s what it is?”

"I asked when the silence stretched thin between us, and I didn’t feel any better about the answers he’d given me. “What?” Ash asked. Had he not listened to what I’d said at all? He was distracted and grumpy, and I didn’t know why. “The dreams. Do you think it’s just my own trauma playing tricks on my mind, or is there a reason I’m dreaming about him finding me all the time?”

“I don’t know,” Ash said. I sighed. It wasn’t what I’d hoped to hear. I wanted Ash to tell me I was safe. I wanted him to tell me that he’d make sure nothing happened to me. I didn’t want to have to ask him for that kind of reassurance. I didn’t want to sound pathetic, like I was panicking for no reason. I wanted it to come from him. It didn’t. “What’s wrong?” I asked. “With what?” Ash asked. “You’re very distracted,” I said. “Did something happen?”

“What would have happened?” Ash asked. “Stop it.” I was getting irritated. “I don’t know what would have happened; that’s what I’m asking you.” My voice was snappy. “I’m not trying to be rude here, but you’re not really giving me much to work with.”

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” Ash said. “I want you to say anything that’s the way you usually are. I don’t know what’s going on with you, but you’re so weird. You’re just like you were at the beginning.”

Ash looked at me, and I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. Lately, we’d been so open with each other, able to talk and laugh together, and our bond had brought us closer and closer together. In the beginning, he’d been closed off and kept me at arm’s length, and that was how it felt now. “Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?” I asked softly. “Maybe I can help you feel a little better.” That was what I’d wanted from him, but not everyone was very good at reaching out and communicating. “Nothing’s wrong,” Ash said. “I have a lot on my mind.”

“Tell me,” I said. Ash opened his mouth like he wanted to talk, but instead, he shook his head and shut his mouth again without saying anything. “I have to go.” He stood. “Where?”

“I have some personal things to take care of.”

“I thought you wanted to hang out,” I said, confused. “Yeah, it was really good.” He turned around and left the cabin, leaving me behind, confused and lost. What had just happened? I’d hoped he could tell me my dreams weren’t a problem. Or tell me what we could do to prevent Oscar from finding me if they were. Instead, Ash was closed off and difficult, distant, and impossible to reach out to. Was it something I’d done? Was it something I’d said? I couldn’t imagine anything had gone wrong between us—what could go wrong in a place where there were barely any pressures at all? God, I missed Earth and the home I knew there. At least when things were weird, I could explain them somehow. Here, I had no idea what was going on or how things worked, and I felt very far out of my comfort zone. I wanted to be with Ash, but it was a daunting idea to think about spending the rest of my life here. I guessed it was the same for Ash, thinking about spending his life on Earth. Was our relationship strong enough that we could overcome something like that and be happy anyway? Or was our relationship something that only existed here because I couldn’t leave and the magic made it what it was right now? A couple of days ago, I’d been sure I wanted to be with Ash, no matter what the cost. The Ash I’d known until now, that was.

The Ash I’d seen today, the same Ash I’d met at first, was a different person, and that changed everything. It was just an off moment, though, right? It was stupid of me to hinge a big decision on a mood swing, if that was what it was. I just had to wait for him to come to his senses, and when he was in a better mood, I’d ask him about the dreams again. I just hoped to God—or whatever gods and goddesses here could change things—that the dreams weren’t something I needed to be worried about before I could get my answers. If Oscar really was looking for me and getting closer to finding me, we had a lot more trouble on our hands than before because he’d had some kind of magic on his side.