24. Ash

Chapter Twenty-Four

Ash

I crept out of the cabin before dawn. The last couple of nights, I’d gone back to sleep next to Lorraine every time. Having her next to me was an incredible feeling. Even if it meant I wasn’t always as vigilant as a protector of the forest. Even if it meant I didn’t always do my job. I wasn’t the only one around, the only drus who had a job to do, and it was about time I started tag-teaming with the rest of them, working as part of the bigger picture rather than keeping myself isolated and taking everything so fucking seriously. In the mornings, though, I woke up earlier, and then I didn’t want to bother Lorraine. She’d been looking more and more tired lately. Something was wrong, but when I asked about it, she didn’t say anything other than the fact that she had disturbing dreams. I wasn’t sure why that happened—in the vale, everything was driven by magic, and it included dreams. I wasn’t sure how she would be able to have dreams that didn’t come from the magic that ran through our bond. I wanted to ask her about it, but I had a lot going on in my life, too. I was distracted by what was going on. As long as Lorraine was here with me in the vale, our bond still intact, she would be fine. It wasn’t something to be too worried about. Right?

When I walked through the trees, I opened myself up to the magic around me. The druses were all still in their trees, sleeping or watching, and I could pick up on their different magical signatures. I was looking for one in particular. “Are you up?” I asked, tapping my foot against the base of the tree when I stopped in front of it. The magic stirred, and for a moment, I wasn’t sure if it would fade again. Then Rowan stepped out of the tree, transforming into his drus form with the shimmery green skin, and then his human form with his light skin and white hair. “I am now,” he grumbled. “Why are you up so early?”

“I had a lot on my mind,” I said.

“I assume you want to talk about it,” Rowan said, and he stretched until his back popped.

“Yeah,” I said. Rowan smiled at me. “Let’s take a walk so we don’t wake up the rest of the forest, too.”

I chuckled, and we turned, walking toward the lake. Fog hung just above the water, and the world was quiet. The dryads who were often here, playing in the water or sunning on the shore, were all still asleep on the bottom of the lake, curled into the rock-like forms where they rested. It was a good time to talk. There were few times in the vale where we were practically alone. “Dolus came to see me,” I said. “I told him a short while ago that I’m fine here, I don’t want to go somewhere else, but he didn’t put a stop to the plans. He told me that it was ready for me to step into now.”

Rowan raised his eyebrows. “And?”

“I don’t know what to do,” I admitted. “So… you don’t know if you want to stay here or leave? You were so set on leaving before. What changed your mind?”

“Lorraine,” I said. “I’m happier now than I’ve been in a long time. In fact, I’m happier now than I’ve ever been.”

“That sounds pretty good to me,” Rowan said.

“Yeah, you’d think it’s a good thing, right?”

“Isn’t it?” he asked.

I sat down on the sand and pulled my knees up, resting my arms on it. “I don’t know anymore. I had this plan for so long. I just wanted to get the fuck out of here. Then things changed, and the choice was here or wherever he wants to put me, but now… Lorraine is in the mix, too. As if I wasn’t already confused enough.”

Rowan shook his head. “Talk me through it. I don’t know what you’re trying to tell me.”

I sighed and told Rowan about my options: going to wherever Dolus wanted to put me, staying here as a drus, or becoming human so that I could go home with Lorraine when she decided to leave. As I talked, Rowan’s emotions fluctuated, and it was clear on his face that he was as surprised as he was confused. “Okay, let me get this straight,” Rowan said when I finished. “Dolus aside… you’re considering giving up your immortality? Again?”

I sighed. “I know it sounds crazy.”

“Crazy is an understatement, especially with what happened the last time?—”

“That’s exactly the problem,” I said. “You have no idea how serious I am about her.”

“If you’re considering giving up your immortality again, then I’m pretty sure you’re dead serious about this. I think I get the idea. I just don’t get why you would want to risk that again.”

“Yeah, that’s what’s holding me back from taking the leap. I’m terrified that as soon as I decide to give it all up, she changes her mind. I know she’s not like Ava, and I’m so much more invested and involved in her life. I mean, I know her sister and?—”

“You know her sister?” Rowan asked, his frown deepening. “How?”

I swallowed hard. “I met her. I took Lorraine to spend some time with her. I wanted to do something special since she’s been cooped up here against her will for so long.”

“That’s… really nice of you,” Rowan said. “Very different than the selfish, isolated SOB I’ve come to know.”

I chuckled. “Fuck you, man.”

“Hey, I’m just saying, you haven’t exactly been a treat to live with.”

“Yeah, I know,” I said, my laughter failing. “The thing is, with Lorraine, I think the chances of her just leaving me are slimmer because what we have is real. Compared to what I had with Ava, I was a fool to think it would work out at all. I’ve learned what it should be like.”

“It doesn’t sound like a problem to me, then,” Rowan said. “Well, it is, because if I do lose her, then it will be so much worse than losing Ava had been, because I’m this much more attached and involved. It’s not just straightforward anymore, and I’m not even talking about what it would mean to give all this up and live as a mortal on Earth.”

“Hmm,” Rowan said, nodding. “It’s a tough one. What does Lorraine say?”

“She’s upset I hesitated to say I would give it all up for her if I expected her to give it all up for me.”

Rowan frowned. “What does she mean, her giving it all up for you?”

Oh, right. I hadn’t talked to Rowan about that part yet. I hadn’t talked to anyone about it. “I went to the library and found a book about Nasia and Thalis, the immortal who brought a human here. They did it, so I thought if I could figure out how it worked—find them and ask them about it—then I could have Lorraine stay here with me instead of me going to Earth with her.”

Rowan narrowed his eyes at me. “So, you want her to give it all up to stay here, so that you can protect yourself in case it doesn’t work out? The less you sacrifice, the less you lose?”

“It sounds shit when you put it like that,” I said grimly.

It was pretty much exactly what it was, though. Rowan had hit the nail on the head, pointing out to me that I was a pussy. “Is it so wrong to want her to stay here with me?” I asked, trying to defend myself. “You want Clea to be here with you, too, right?”

“It’s not the same when we’re both enchanted beings,” Rowan pointed out, and I couldn’t argue with him about that. I let out a sigh so deep my cheeks billowed. “I just don’t know which way to turn. Stay here, leave with Dolus, or go to Earth?”

“What makes you hesitate about going with Dolus?” Rowan asked. “It was exactly what you wanted before.”

“Yeah, but something doesn’t seem right about it. I can’t put my finger on it. He doesn’t want to tell me what the new thing is he organized for me.”

Rowan was silent as he thought about it. “He is the god of deceit,” he finally pointed out.

“Yeah, but that’s not the reason he doesn’t want to tell me. He says it’s so I can’t just change my mind when I feel like it, since I keep flailing around. He wants me to commit because it’s what I want and not because it sounds better or worse than what I already have. I kind of get what he’s saying, because I have been fucking around. A lot.”

Rowan snorted. “I’ve been saying that for decades.”

I rolled my eyes. “I keep thinking that if things go south with Lorraine, it will be easier for me to just go with Dolus and get it over with, the way I’d wanted all along. If I leave her behind and do my own thing, then I can’t get hurt.”

“It seems like a cop-out to me,” Rowan said simply.

“What?”

“Leave her before she can leave you. Hurt her before she can hurt you.”

I bristled. “I’m not trying to hurt her.”

“What did you think was going to happen? You’re not the only heart in this equation, you know. If you’re so much as thinking of asking her to give it all up for you, she’s got to be as attached and invested as you are.”

Damn it, why was it so complicated? Rowan was right, of course. He always was. Fuck if I was going to say it to him, though. “I don’t know which way to go,” I said dully. “I don’t know how to choose.”

“Are you willing to lose her?”

I shook my head right away. The obvious answer was no; I didn’t want to lose her. I didn’t want to lose myself either, or I was scared that it would happen again. I was scared of a lot right now, which pissed me off because it wasn’t very alpha of me to be so fucking scared. “I think you’ll make the right decision in the end,” Rowan said.

“I was hoping you could point me in a direction,” I said. Rowan laughed. “That’s one thing I can’t do. I’m not here to make your decisions for you. I think Lorraine is good for you, but I also think it’s a big deal to become a human and to get tangled up in that world in the first place. We all told you not to get involved.”

I sighed. He was right; I shouldn’t have gotten involved. The thing was… I had gotten involved, and this had become so much more than me just fucking a woman and keeping her in my cabin until the assholes who hunted her were gone. My heart had gotten involved, and fuck, now it was a tangled mess. “I should get back,” I said, standing.

“Thanks, man,” Rowan said. I frowned. “For what?”

“Talking,” Rowan said. “You’ve been all locked up and not talking for a fuck long time, and it’s nice to see a side of you I was scared was long gone.”

I sighed. “A part of me wished it was long gone for good because it would have made everything easier.”

“Being dead on the inside isn’t worth it, man,” Rowan said. Maybe he was right. I just didn’t like the idea that doing all of this could cost me. I’d paid so fucking much already.