13. Benji

I loved dogs. They were distant cousins to my wolf, and they weren't degenerates like cats. Like, if a dog plopped on their back, they totally wanted you to blow raspberries on their belly. With cats, it was just a ruse to fuck your face up. They did it because giving you an eyebrow scar or disfiguring your nostril was amusing to them.

I still kinda liked cats because even if they weren't distant cousins to my demon, they probably could be. Like, walking into someone's house like, I live here now and I'm going to poop in a box in your living room that you will clean to my liking or I'll shit on your bed was totally a demon thing.

Maybe I should do that to Sheriff Riddle next.

Anyway, I was dying to meet the Hound of Hades. Cranky dogs usually loved me. That rat dog that drew blood was an anomaly. I'm pretty sure it had rabies and wasn't in its right mind, but his owner insisted he was up to date on vaccinations and just hated men. Pbbbttt. Everyone loves me. That dog was just deranged.

We stepped through the entrance of a cave and that's when I finally saw him. He was the cutest thing I'd ever seen. He looked like a Cane Corso had conjoined triplets with some kind of weird bear. All three heads were growling at us. His lips were pulled back showing some razor-sharp teeth.

He was just so grompy. Every time I saw angry dogs, I just wanted to make them happy dogs. Sometimes, my attention span was shitty. Sometimes, people warned me about shit and I saw cute, really pissed off, three-headed dogs and forgot all about it.

"Puppy!" I shrieked, poofing myself right in front of him to introduce myself.

Medusa screamed my name right when three heads tried to take a bite out of me. Ooh, he was angry. Still, I didn't have to hide my magic here, and I had the reflexes of a degenerate cat. I just turned into smoke and all those teeth passed right through me. Cerberus tried to kill me again when I materialized by blowing fire at me, but I just disappeared again.

There was no sunlight in the Underworld, just a lot of lamps and a moon. Disappearing was easy. Cerberus just didn't know me yet, and that was why he kept trying to kill me. We were going to be besties after he scented me.

Right now, he was watching me warily trying to figure out how to get me, but we'd get past that. I could forgive him because he was so cute and pissed.

"Down, Cerberus. They are friends," Persephone said. "You have to be completely insane. Heracles lost a thumb to this dog."

Medusa ran over to me and before I knew it, she was kissing me. Like, really kissing me for the first time. If I'd known the trick to getting her to get kissy with me was trying to flirt with Hades's three-headed, fire-breathing dog, I would have made sure we got to the Underworld long before this.

Damn. She kissed like a wildcat and she tasted like strawberries. I wanted more, but I was only okay with fucking in front of people I trusted and I didn't want to traumatize Cerberus. Plus, she needed her answers.

Later, little monster. I had a three-headed hellhound to befriend.

"Can I give him treats?"

Because I didn't just poof to Louisiana to get beer, meat pies, and Doberge cake. I knew I was going to be meeting the best boy ever and he might be a little angry about that, so I stopped by this little shop run by a witch who made dog treats.

"I suppose you might as well now that he nearly bit your arm off and set you on fire. Are they organic?" Persephone asked.

"Duh. He farts fire. I'm not trying to upset his precious little stomach," I said, making kissy noises at Cerberus.

"I'm trying to decide if I should be uncomfortable or not," Hades said.

No dog could resist the lure of these treats. My strays loved them and fuck, even my werewolf side wanted to take a nibble sometimes. I was pretty sure the Hound of Hades was going to be putty in my hands soon.

Cerberus approached me slowly like he wasn't sure if he wanted to bite me or set me on fire again. Persephone called him off, but he still wasn't all that sure about me. I let him get a good sniff of me so he recognized my lupine half. I held the treats out and didn't move.

Yeah, these treats were made by a kitchen witch who happened to love animals. She ran a regular bakery, but she had a section for dogs. All the grompy fell out of Cerberus after he started chomping on the treats with all three of his heads. He completely forgot about chomping on me.

Yeah, we were besties now.

"Okay, now that I've befriended the Hound of Hades, I'm dying to see the rest of the Underworld and my woman needs some answers. Moving on."

Maybe I was just imagining it, but Hades seemed a little irritated with me. Maybe I should have gotten him some biscuits, too.