10. Emery

10

EMERY

I'm exhausted, and I know he is too. We haven’t done a lot. I only got up to fix him a sandwich and to use the bathroom. The rest of the time, we've sat next to each other on the couch, holding hands. I thought it would be awkward and uncomfortable, but it wasn't. We watched TV and laughed with the lights turned down low. But there's no more putting it off. I know he needs his rest.

"I'm going to go on to bed," I tell him. "I have everything set up upstairs."

He turns off the television with the remote. "Me too. I'm exhausted."

He goes to lock the doors, but I stop him. "I've already double-checked. Everything is locked up and the alarm is set."

He nods approvingly and follows behind me up the stairs. I can feel his gaze burning into my body, and I try not to let it affect me. I take a deep breath as I walk into our bedroom. I could have easily set him up in one of the guest rooms, but I thought he would be more comfortable here. I turn down the bed and then disappear into the bathroom without another word. My gown and robe are hanging on the back of the door, and I get ready for bed. When I come out, he is already lying down, and the only light in the room is the lamp on the nightstand.

I bypass the bed and go to the closet, pulling out a blanket from the top shelf. We have a large chair in the corner of the room, and that's where I plan on sleeping. I thought about just sleeping in another room, but I don't want to be far from him in case he does need me. "What are you doing?" he asks as I lay the cover on the chair.

Without looking at him, I answer, "I'm going to sleep here."

Out of the corner of my eye, I see him sit up. "You can't sleep in the chair. You won't be comfortable. Come to bed."

I look at him in our big king-size bed. It's so tempting to just lie down next to him. It's what I want to do, but I don't know if I should let myself. "I don't think it's a good idea," I tell him.

He holds both hands up. "Come on, Emery. I won't get any rest knowing that you're sleeping in that uncomfortable chair."

I know he's right. He will worry about me and most likely, I won’t get any sleep either. I take a deep breath, walk back around to the other side of the bed, and crawl into my space, making sure to keep on my side of the bed. He lies down on his side, facing me, and I lie on my back and stare at the ceiling.

Uncomfortable with his gaze, I reach over and turn off the lamp and then assume the same position. He's quiet for so long, I almost wonder if he's asleep. But when I look over, he's still watching me in the darkness. I roll to my side and look at him worriedly. "What's going on with you, Nash? I hate to bring it up, but I have to. The doctor is obviously worried with all of the injuries you've had within the last year. What's going on?"

He lets out a deep breath. "I don't have a death wish. I know that's what he thought, but I don't. I’ve been careless. My focus hasn't been there. And in my position, in the job that I do, that's not a good thing."

I search his face, looking for all of the answers. I know what he's saying is that the divorce, us separating, is what caused this. "You agreed to the divorce. I thought you wanted it." His hand comes up and slides across the bed and stops right before it gets to me. He clenches the bedsheets and holds it there. It's like he wants to hold on to me but is not going to push it.

"You were so sad, Emery. You told me that you were not happy with me, and that gutted me because more than anything in this world, I want you to be happy. You deserve more than me. I know that. And that's why I let you go. And even though I know you deserve the moon, the stars, everything, I also know that there's no one on this earth that could love you like I do." My mind starts to go a hundred miles a minute. Could it be as simple as that? He gave me a divorce because I asked him to, because I was unhappy?

I reach over and lay my hand on top of his on the bed. He turns it over and clasps our hands together. "You can't keep doing this, Nash. You're going to get yourself killed."

He yawns and then mutters, "I know that. I'm going to make some changes."

As soon as the word changes comes out of his mouth, it's like I freeze up. I don't know how many times I've heard him say that before. I've begged and pleaded with him in the past. It’s like I always wanted more of him than he was willing to give. I don’t know how much I can trust in him saying that he's going to make a change. "Go ahead and sleep, Nash. I'll wake you up and check on you in an hour. I have my alarm set."

His hand tightens around mine. His voice is soft and almost slurring with tiredness. "I know that you don't believe me right now, Emery. But I'm going to prove it to you.”

His words trail off into the darkness without a response from me. All I can do is hope that this time maybe it can be different.